The loudspeakers of the Nexus Mall crackled, echoing with the smooth, infuriatingly smug voice of the new self-appointed CEO.
"Attention shoppers," Aizen's voice purred through the PA system. "The reality you perceive is merely my Kyoka Suigetsu. That massage chair? A lie. That Auntie Anne's pretzel? An illusion. Submit to my rule, and perhaps I will grant you a 10% discount on your inevitable despair."
Down in the concourse, Deadpool stabbed a katana into a nearby trash can out of sheer frustration. He looked directly into the camera, pointing a gloved finger at the lens.
"Are you seeing this, tum?!" Deadpool shouted. "We are the main characters of this franchise! Me and the Bald Guy! And this hairpiece-wearing Mother Fu* is up in the management office, hogging all the exposition! It's bad screenwriting, tum! We need to reclaim the narrative!"
The Parking Ticket Crisis
Saitama, however, was completely ignoring Aizen's omnipotent monologue. The Caped Baldy was standing near a directory map, staring blankly at a small, crumpled piece of paper in his yellow-gloved hand.
"Hey, Wade," Saitama said, his voice carrying the emotional weight of a wet sponge. "Do you know where the validation machine is? If I don't stamp this ticket in the next twelve minutes, I have to pay the full daily rate for parking. It's 500 yen. That's an entire week's worth of cabbage."
"Saitama! My smooth-headed sidekick!" Deadpool gasped, throwing an arm around the hero's shoulders. "Forget the cabbage! We have a mall to save! There are Super Saiyans throwing garlic knots at Ninjas! There's a guy with a rubber neck trying to eat the structural support beams! We have to go do superhero stuff!"
"No," Saitama replied flatly, turning toward the nearest escalator. "I am getting my parking validated. Then I am going home to watch the Sunday sales broadcast. If anyone gets in my way, I'm punching them."
The Parking Garage of Anguish
Deadpool and Saitama rode the escalator down to the subterranean Level C parking garage. The air was thick with car exhaust and the sound of muffled sobbing.
Sitting on the hood of a 2006 Honda Civic was Shinji Ikari (Evangelion). He had his knees pulled up to his chest, trembling.
"I mustn't run away... I mustn't run away..." Shinji whispered, tears streaming down his face. "But the pressure of the 'Back to School' sale is too much... I just wanted to buy a cassette tape..."
"Oh, great, we found the depression corner," Deadpool groaned, drawing a pair of submachine guns. "tum, get the sad violin music ready. Kid, move off the Civic! My buddy here needs to find a little machine that stamps—"
Suddenly, the concrete ceiling of the parking garage exploded.
A massive, terrifying creature dropped down from the floor above, crushing three minivans instantly. It was the Third Angel, Sachiel, a towering behemoth with a bird-like skull face and enormous, lanky arms. It let out an ear-piercing, otherworldly screech that shattered the windshields of every car in the sector.
The "Serious" Validation
"THE ROBOT IS SUPPOSED TO FIGHT THAT!" Shinji screamed, curling into a tighter ball on the Honda Civic. "I CAN'T FIGHT THAT IN A PARKING LOT!"
"DIBS!" Deadpool yelled. He sprinted at the Angel, firing both guns wildly while attempting a mid-air backflip. "Eat lead, you giant geometric pigeon! This is for the—!"
Before Deadpool could finish his catchphrase, the Angel's eyes flashed pink. A cross-shaped laser beam erupted, hitting the mercenary square in the chest. Deadpool was instantly vaporized from the neck down, leaving only his masked head bouncing off the hood of a Prius.
"Ow," Deadpool's disembodied head muttered. "tum, my healing factor is going to take at least ten pages to fix this. Tag the Bald Guy in."
Saitama slowly walked past Deadpool's regenerating neck-stump. He looked up at the towering, terrifying Angel, which was now charging up another cross-shaped laser, aiming directly at the Honda Civic.
Saitama held up his crumpled parking ticket.
"Hey," Saitama said to the Angel. "You crushed the validation machine. Do you know where the backup one is?"
The Angel roared, firing a massive beam of destructive energy right at Saitama's face.
The smoke cleared a second later. Saitama hadn't moved an inch. His cape was slightly singed, and his expression had shifted from 'bored' to 'mildly annoyed.'
"I asked you a question," Saitama said.
He pulled back his red-gloved fist. The air pressure in the parking garage seemed to vacuum into a single point.
"Normal Punch."
Saitama's fist shot forward. The shockwave didn't just obliterate the Angel into a shower of glowing red fluid; it completely vaporized the upper three levels of the parking structure, blew away Aizen's 'Kyoka Suigetsu' illusion, and sent every car in the garage flying into the stratosphere.
The Aftermath
Deadpool, now a fully grown torso with tiny, baby-sized legs, waddled over to Saitama.
"Did you see that, tum?!" Deadpool cheered, his tiny baby legs kicking in excitement. "That's why he's the main character! One punch! Roll the credits!"
Saitama stood in the massive, smoking crater that used to be Level C. He looked down at his hand. The parking ticket had been vaporized in the blast.
"My ticket," Saitama whispered, his eyes wide with genuine horror. "I lost the ticket. I have to pay the maximum lost-ticket penalty... It's 2,000 yen..."
Saitama fell to his knees in the rubble, completely devastated by the financial loss.