The orange glow of the setting sun bathed Konoha in a warm, deceptive light. To an outsider, it looked like paradise. To Kenji Sato, walking home with his hands jammed into his pockets, it looked like a gilded cage run by a senile old hypocrite.
He turned the corner into the run-down civilian district. The wooden tenements here groaned under the weight of poverty and neglect.
[DING!]
The sound wasn't a happy chime. It was a harsh, jarring buzz that vibrated against his skull.
[WARNING!] [Surveillance Detected.] [Targeting Source: 45 meters Northwest. Rooftop.] [Intent: Monitoring / Suspicion.]
Kenji stopped mid-step. A cold sneer curled his lip.
"What?" he hissed under his breath. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
His mind raced, piecing together the logic instantly. It had to be about Naruto.
I didn't even approach him, Kenji raged internally. The kid came to me! What did you expect me to do, Sarutobi? Spit in his face? Kick him away like the rest of this trash village? And it's not even a day. And there's already a tail behind me.
He unclenched his fists, forcing himself to keep walking.
That old dog, Kenji thought, venom dripping from every mental syllable. He preaches the 'Will of Fire' while he deliberately isolates a six-year-old boy. He wants Naruto lonely. He wants him desperate for affection so that when the Hokage shows him a sliver of kindness, Naruto becomes a loyal weapon. It's grooming. Pure and simple.
He reached his apartment door. He didn't go in. Instead, he stood on the small, rotting wooden porch that overlooked the back alley.
[DING!]
[Emergency Mission Triggered: Privacy is a Human Right] [Target Identified: Yūgao Uzuki (ANBU Black Ops)]
Kenji blinked. The name hit him instantly.
Yūgao?
An image flashed in his mind, clear as day. A kunoichi with long, straight, deep-purple hair that cascaded down to her waist like a silken waterfall. Warm brown eyes that could turn steel-cold in a second. And that signature dark red lipstick—a splash of maturity on a face that was undeniably beautiful.
The future girlfriend of Hayate Gekkō, Kenji thought, a brief pang of sympathy hitting him. The guy with the cough and the dark circles. She's going to watch him die during the Chunin Exams in a few years. Tragic.
He looked toward the northwest rooftop. The sympathy evaporated instantly.
But right now? Right now, she's just a peeping tom spying on a six-year-old boy because the Hokage is paranoid.
[Mission Objective: Mental Damage]
Details: The ANBU are elite, disciplined, and stoic. Break that composure. Do something so erratic, so vulgar, and so confusing that she questions her life choices. Teach her that spying on a healthy young man comes with risks.
Reward: +25% Maximum Chakra Capacity Increase.
Kenji's eyes lit up.
25% increase?
His heart hammered against his ribs. Holy shit. That's a quarter! If I increase my reserves by a quarter now, my growth rate will snowball. That's huge! That's the difference between a Genin and a Chunin!
Greed took over. The sympathy for Yūgao was gone. She was now just an XP mob.
"Alright, Lady ANBU," Kenji muttered, unbuckling his belt. "You want to see what this boy is made of? You want to report my activities to the Hokage? Fine. Write this down in your little scroll."
He walked to the edge of the porch railing. He knew she was watching.
Kenji dropped his pants.
The cool evening air hit his bare skin. He pulled out his "micro-excalibur"—which, to be fair, was currently just a small, innocent-looking worm—and stood with legs wide apart, establishing a power stance.
"Artistic Integrity," Kenji shouted at the empty air, knowing she could hear him. "Style: The Golden Dragon Swings its Tail!"
He unleashed the stream.
But he didn't just pee. That would be amateur.
Kenji swung his hips. He gyrated with the passion of a drunk salsa dancer. The stream arced through the air, creating a chaotic, glistening pattern against the dusty ground of the alley below.
"Take this!" he grunted, swinging left. "And this!"
I'll draw the Hokage's face, Kenji decided, his face twisted in concentration. Two dots for eyes. A line for that stupid hat.
He wiggled his hips frantically, trying to control the pressure.
"Oh, yeah! Look at that range! Look at that arc!" Kenji yelled, putting a hand on his hip and thrusting his pelvis forward for the final few drops. "This is the Will of Fire! Burn, baby, burn!"
****
[Meanwhile: On a rooftop 45 meters away]
Yūgao Uzuki, elite ANBU operative, code name 'Neko', crouched in the shadows of a water tower. Her porcelain mask was clipped to her belt, revealing her striking face. Her red lips were pressed into a thin line of concentration.
Her mission was simple: Observe the orphan, Kenji Sato. Assess if he had any malicious intent toward the Jinchuriki.
She watched through a small pair of binoculars.
"He's stepping onto the porch," she whispered to herself. "What is he doing?"
She saw him unbuckle his belt.
Then, the pants dropped.
Yūgao froze.
She watched the boy spread his legs. She watched him scream about a "Golden Dragon." She watched him... helicopter his hips while relieving himself off the balcony.
"..."
Yūgao slowly lowered the binoculars.
A vein throbbed on her temple.
"What the fuck is this little bastard doing?"
She looked back. The boy was now doing a victory pose, shaking his hips at the moon.
"And I am watching a child play with his..." She couldn't even finish the sentence.
A wave of profound existential dread washed over her. Was this what her life had come to? Was this what the village needed protecting from?
She felt dirty. Not physically, but spiritually.
Then her eyes lowered to the ground below the balcony. She squinted.
On the dust, drawn in wet, dark lines, was a crude caricature of the Third Hokage.
"Mission log," she muttered, closing her eyes tightly. "Subject... urinated. With... enthusiasm. No threat detected. Mental stability of subject... questionable."
She turned around and flickered away, body flickering out of existence faster than usual. She needed a shower. A long, hot shower. And maybe a drink.
*****
[Back on the Porch]
[DING!]
[Mission Complete: The Trauma of the Peeping Tom] [Target Yūgao Uzuki has fled the scene in disgust.] [Psychological Damage Dealt: Critical.]
Kenji zipped up his pants, a satisfied smirk on his face. "That's right. Run away. Don't look at the sun if you can't handle the heat."
[Reward Delivered: +25% Max Chakra Capacity.]
Kenji closed his eyes, waiting for the surge. He expected a rush of power. He expected his veins to bulge, for the chakra to overflow like a bursting dam. He expected to feel like Naruto.
Here it comes...
He waited.
And waited.
He felt... a slight tingle. Like when your foot falls asleep, but in his stomach.
"That's it?" Kenji opened one eye.
He pulled up his status screen.
[Status]
Name: Kenji Sato
Chakra Capacity: 100 (Base) + 25 (Bonus) = 125 (Pathetic - Rank E)
Note: For reference, an average Genin has 500. Naruto has roughly 100,000.
Kenji stared at the number 125.
Silence descended on the balcony.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!"
He kicked the wooden railing, nearly stubbing his toe.
"Twenty-five points?! That's the reward?! That's not a power-up! That's barely enough to cast one extra Clone Jutsu if I squint really hard!"
He grabbed his hair in frustration.
"I just helicoptered my junk at a Jonin for twenty-five chakra points?! This System is a scam! It's a Ponzi scheme!"
He stormed back into his apartment, slamming the door.
"Scam! Absolute trash! I demand a refund!"
[System Notification: Refund request denied. The artistic performance, however, has been saved to the 'Highlight Reel'.]
"Delete it!" Kenji screamed at the air. "Delete it right now or I swear to god I'll switch sides and join Orochimaru!"