Okay, I know I have mentioned this before, but let me add a few on it.
Me not talking doesn't mean I don not talk, I talk a lot! Call me loquacious and you'll be right.
But when it comes to my personal life and comfort, it's a bit too hard to get a word out of me!
Ask me all the questions in the world and I will only answer a few of them with a 'hmm' or 'I don't know ' it's always that simple.
But the Crux of it all is that I hate sharing! I can't share anything with anyone because I can't share myself with more than one person.
But of course, there are different factors that triggered this chain reaction in me.
Change happens in different states: nurture, hereditary and environmental factors.
Okay, I know you may or may not have wondered why I didn't put peer group right? I know most of you have followed me till this moment and knows that I have a few friends to one. So at my tender age, I never had any peer group pressure at all!
My nurturing is amazing, now that I am looking back at it. I had parents who care, love and provide for me without making me feel imprisoned. I had a supportive siblings who never let me feel alone or not wanted. I had the faith I needed to keep me straight.
Hereditary, you must be kidding me. I have no hereditary disorder or any family related issues. I'm not saying I have a perfect hereditary chain line, I'm saying there is nothing wrong with it that affects me, okay?
Environmental factor is one delicate matter that one has to look into carefully.
In my case, my environment was perfectly carved that it made me assume that I was made for it. This happens in all the environments I have ever been in my life.
Everyone and everything along with everywhere I found myself, I feel like I belong there but abruptly, I feel different. This 'different' that I feel makes me insecure.
I may be insecure about so many things but one stood: Belief.
I used to talk, share all my experiences with others. But it stopped when I told my mom that I had a dream where I saw my dad in white overall cloth walking from our extended family out. But she didn't believe me, no one at home believed me! This was early July, 2017.
But when my sister had a similar dream to mine regarding my late grandma, my mom believed her. I didn't think much about it until when my mom said that her dream means someone's death.
My mom asked my sister to pray about it but not to me. On the seventh day of July, my dad died and that was it for me. This made me who I am, both the good, the bad as well as the ugly.
I had this thing with dream, whenever I dream, they came to pass. Once I dreamt that I was inside a well and the next day, I was asked to fetch water from the well. I opened the well but when I wanted to close the well when I was done fetching the water, all I saw was darkness and my hand gripping on the latch that holds the well's cover. I was inside the well, really!
But with my dad's death, I guess I blocked the world out, because I thought that they are responsible for my dad's death!
Of course who will I have spoken to about it? No one, so I made a habit of going to my dad's grave all the time; when I'm angry, when I'm sad, when I'm happy, when I have a boyfriend. It was that worst.
That made me happy and hopeful and pray of his protection. Now I have a guardian angel.
So I decided to do what my father would've done and be where you'd be. I wasn't that much of a deep Christian from that time, but I became better.
Those decisions I made, for my dad, they made me this strong. I guess I relied on my late father more than my entire alive family.
Now I have what I want and why, where I want to go and why, why I need to go and why. I based the next chapters of my life out of him, and trust me, I do regret some of it but the journey is worth it.
Imagine how many people have problems that no one is listening to. Imagine the decisions they take and how their lives became afterwards.
Belief, you don't believe me, why should I continue telling when no one is listening? So I shut up, and I have my ruin to content with, now I have a chance to make amend, imagine how many people are not as fortunate as me?