A/N: Self explanatory, I read this Chinese Fate fanfic that is full of Propaganda Bullshit, I hated it so much and hated the after taste of reading it that I wrote this out of spite to forget the bullshit that I just read. Made this also to make fun of the FF itself which i FUCKING LOATHE.
Also, reader's advise, I made this with limited knowledge of the Fate Series. I played the Visual Novel, but stopped after finishing Unlimited Blade Works.
***
I died. But I got reincarnated.
That's what I first thought after I woke up, staring at the unfamiliar ceiling filled me with thrill. People who usually got reincarnated are dropped into 'Zongmans' or their favorite anime.
I really hope that I get reincarnated in my favorite Anime, "Fate/Stay Night".
I stood up, but then notice something. I seemed to have gotten... Shorter? During my last life I was a 6'4 very handsome and get pussy all the time. Btw I got taller cuz i ate those Virgin Piss eggs that grant you magical "Guangdong Powers" that let you speak to your ancestor if you eat their Ashes and Mix your Ying Yang energy.
Enough of those nonsense, as I got closer the realization Hit me. I got reincarnated as Artoria...
I touched the mirror softly and muttered "How Beautiful..."
Just as i was entranced by my beauty, I got teleported to a random location.
*Shing*
I looked around and seemed to be surrounded by snow...
I am apperantly in Siberia?
How did I know that? Because I'm fucking Chinese that's why. Our school is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard, that's why we are CLEARLY SUPERIOR to the US and Japan.
Glory to Mao Zedong.
Just as i was daydreaming, a sudden booming sound was heard.
"WELCOME PARTICIPANTS TO THE FIRST HOLY GRAIL WAR!"
"AS YOU ALL KNOW, THE EARTH HAS NO RESOURCES BECAUSE CHINA'S GLORIOUS WINNIE THE POOH LEADER XI JINPING ATE ALL THAT SHIT UP TO MAKE VIRGIN PISS EGGS AND BAT SOUPS."
I stared at the sky absentmindedly... I wanted to be in Fate to CRACK Saber, CRACK Rin, and NOT crack Sakura because my glorious 1 inch penis isn't deserving to her "Used Pussy".
But here I am, participating in a Holy Grail War free for all with over 200+ masters. One for each country. And I seems to be representing the Glorious nation of CHINA.
The voice in the sky continued.
"SO, SINCE EARTH HAS NO MORE RESOURCES TO SUSTAIN THE CHINESE VIRGIN PISS EGGS MANUFACTURING, WE CREATED THIS HOLY GRAIL SO THAT CHINA WILL GET HUMBLED, BECAUSE THEIR GIGA CHAD BLACK TEETHED LEADER, MAO ZEDONG IS TOO STRONG. IN HELL, HE MADE A HAREM!!!"
"SO PLEASE DEFEAT CHINA WORLD, AND ALSO... GOD IS CHINESE."
As the voice fade, my face hardened. THIS ISNT JUST A GAME, THIS IS A FREE FOR ALL. THE BALANCE OF THE WORLD HINGES ON WHO TAKES THE HOLY GRAIL.
Meanwhile.
"Haiya... Thank God I was not chosen to be a master." Said a random hardworking Chinese student who clearly looks like an uncle due to the laws passed by Mao Zedong so all young people in the future will look like him.
"Dude, don't say the G.O.D. word, or else Xi Jinping, the concubine of the glorious Israeli leader, BenjaminNetanyahu will kill you."
"Oh shit." The Chinese student who looks like Mao Zedong said, while covering his mouth.
TOO LATE.
A mechanical voice can suddenly be heard.
"Negative -9999999999999 social credit points to student 'Jin Shihuang' for saying the "G" word. There are no Gods, only the Glorious Leader Xi Jinping and Mao Zedong are God's."
"N-no ple-." He was shot on the spot while begging like a dog.
"That's what you get for courting death to the 'Young' Masted, Xi Jinping ptoey..." His friends said with disdain.
***
As 'Artoria' (A/N: Called her Artoria because I said she looks like Artoria) is walking down the snowy, path she is suddenly greeted by a Live Stream that is in her watch.
"A girl representing our glorious nation?! Girls are for the kitchen! Not fighting! Go back and be my personal maid you..."
"Uncle at the top is right. Go back to the Kitchen!"
As various misogynistic comments flooded her Livestream, she finally realized the scope of this event...
"1.3 GAZILLION people is watching me right now..." She muttered.
She then looked back and saw the invisible camera following her. If you ask how she found it?
SHE'S FUCKING CHINESE, DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN MORE?
"W-whoa... Be my concubine!"
"Arf arf arf!"
"I'm totally gonna doxx her and stalk her for 3 days straight!"
As million of Chinese netizens are drooling after seeing her appearance, she can only roll her eyes.
"Heh, I knew it. Chinese people are full of simps, but sorry... I'll be a part of the harem full of young virgin girls by our glorious leader Mao Zedong." (A/N: Yes it's real, Look it up)
The whole of China clicked their tongue in Unison...
WHY DOES OUR GLORIOUS LEADER ALWAYS GET THE YOUNG 14 Y.O VIRGIN GIRLS AND NOT ME?!
As they are pondering about life, they are suddenly focused after a countdown appeared in the sky.
10...
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
...
2.
1.
Begin.
Just then, a command seal appeared in Artoria's hand. And successively, a summonic circle appeared near her and a blinding light suddenly enveloped her.
"Are you my master." Said Heroic Spirit Emiya...
It's Red A! We'll tots gonna win this Holy Grail War!.
"Yes, call me saber." Artoria said
Archer looked at her with mixed expression. She's totally Artoria, but something is wrong with her... She's like... More beautiful. Maybe that's the allure of Chinese women.
"Alright... Saber." Archer said.
Just as they were talking and making a bond, a sudden voice interrupted them
"YARE YARE DAZE... IS THAT A CHINESE WOMAN I SEE?" Said the Japanese man, his tone laced with Rapist vibe.
"Yes, I'm a proud Chinese woman, I joined the Civilian Functionaire back when I was a child, which brainwashed me into giving consent so China can spy on me." Artoria said.
"Bakayaroo!!!!! You Chinese man! I hate you!
I will fucking UNIT 731 your ass!!!!"
"Nani?! Did you say something to me you Japanese man? Yes I admit that I jack off to your hentai all the time, and me as a Chinese man always paints you as the bad guy in all the fanfic I make even though the fanfic I wrote is based on and written by a Japanese man. But that crosses the line!!!" Artoria said.
"Bakayaro!! Musashi! Attack this monkey Chinese ew subhuman!"
"Arigatou, master!"
Just as the blade is about to hit Artoria, something is blocking the way..
"Are you alright... Master?"
It was archer. When the Livestream saw archer blocking the attack, they were ecstatic.
"When can a Archers block a Noble Phantasm?!"
"OMZ!!! Archer is soooo HOT. Please Marry me!"
"Little sister from above, calm down a little bit."
"+"
"Big Brother Archer is SOO COOL!"
The. Chat. We're. Going. NUTS!!!
"Alright, Archer! Don't worry, I'll supply you in Mana that was taken from the Ching Dynasty in China!" Artoria shouted while clutching her hands.
"Taken from what?!" Archer was confused by what artoria was saying
Just then a surge of Power is felt by Archer.
"Is this the power of China..?" Archer muttered.
"Masaka..." Meanwhile, the Japenis guy was scared like a bitch.
"Musashi! Niguraundayooo!! We are Japanese and cowards in Chinese FF! We need to be spineless cowards who provoked the superior and OP Young Master!"
"Yes mas-"
Just as Musashi was about to answer.
He was killed by a Dao sword archer held.
And the Japenis master died like a dog.
I defecated and peed on that Japenis corpse because I FUCKING hate Japenis people and this is a Chinese Propaganda FF written by CCP.
Just as Artoria was savoring Victory a mechanical voice sounded in her head.
"2 masters remaining. China and U.S."
And coincidentally, they met.
"Yo, Chinese guy..."
"You filthy American! China is better than your stinky country because we SPY on our people openly!"
"But we have guns and freedom."
"China is better and will surpass you militarily!"
"But we have guns and freedom."
"And we will use this opportunity to prove to the world that China is better in everything the US does by copying your technology!"
(A/N: True Story, though Chinese copied Soviet Jets and tanks.)
"Heh, we will see about that... Jeffrey EPSTEIN!" The American shouted.
"Masaka..." Archer's eye constricted when he saw the figure.
Jeffrey Epstein, the strongest heroic spirit. He'll get a buff when he fights a child. Almost 20000000% buff.
"Jeffrey Epstein, use your Noble Phantasm... NOW!"
"ALRIGHT MASTER! CORRODE THE WORLD! DOMAIN EXPANSION: THE ISLAND OF INFINITE PLEASURES!"
This Reality Marble, called Island of Infinite Pleasure is a Noble phantasm by Epstein which spawns children nearby and buffs him exponentially.
"Jeffrey Epstein, attack that subhuman, yellow skinned, no eyes Chinese woman with your second noble Phantasm!"
"Alright Master, THE LINES THAT WILL ERASE EVERYTHING, THE EPSTEIN REDACTED FILES!"
BOOM BOOM BOOM
Archer hastily dodges the attacks. And Artoria Realizing she is losing decided to asspull and defeat this American man to not bring shame to the glorious nation.
"ARCHER, WITH MY COMMANDS SPELL I DEMAND YOU TO USE YOUR NOBLE PHANTASM!"
"Hai, master!"
"I am the bone of my sword.
Steel is my body, fire my blood.
I have created over a thousand blades.
Unknown to death, nor known to life.
Have withstood pain to create many weapons.
Yet, those hands will never hold anything.
So, as I pray...Unlimited Blade Works!!"
BOOM.
Archer overrides Epstein's noble phantasm because of Chinese mysticism.
"Do you have enough kids... King of Pedos?!"
Just then, a rain of sword hit Epstein, but he isn't damaged because he touched so much kids that he has so much powers now.
Archer and big Stein fought for hours but Archer lost.
"Kghr..."
"Master I'm sorry I lost.." Archer said, his face downcast.
"Weak. You didn't fully embrace China. That's why you lost." Artoria said, her words laced with disgust.
"Project a sword for me, I'll finish this guy up."
Just then, EXCALIBUR appear in Archer's hand, he gave it to Artoria.
"You faker... There is only 1 True Pedophile in this world and that is-...." Artoria cut off her words to maximize the impact.
"-MAO ZEDONG! EXXXXXXXX!!!!! CALIBAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
A yellow light illuminated in Unlimited Blade Works which destroyed it due to the overwhelming power of Chinese Mysticism and Medicine.
"WE ARE NOT FINISHED!!!!" Both master and servant screamed as they are turned to dust by Excalibur.
"You win." God said.
"Here is the Holy Grail, what is your wish?"
"I wish that Mao Zedong is resurrected and I become one of his concubine virgin kid."
"You wha-" God was too stunned to speak.
"What about the starving people? The lack of resources are killing your nation! And your resurrecting a mass murderer?!" God was furious.
"Don't care, plus I wanna lick his black teeth." Artoria was focused on his goals.
"Alright, I don't care, that's why I didn't help humanity because of shit like this."
***
"Thank you my child for Resurrecting me" Mao Zedong said.
"G-glorious LEADER!" Artoria shouted. Even though he is a man in his previous life, she wants Mao Zedong because it's his duty now that he is a she.
"Please impregnate me with your holy sperm!" Artoria said.
"Well said child, let us do it here."
And thus, China won the holy grail war.
Due to Artoria's selfish request, Mao Zedong was resurrected and he became the leader of china. His first order of business was to hunt sparrows. This program killed over 90% of the sparrows. But little did he know, sparrows eat insect who eats crops. Now there is a locust outbreak in China which devastated the crops. A famine broke out which killed 1 Billion people.
But hey, now there are no more famines because barely enough people live in China.
Glory to Mao Zedong. Such a view, he directly killed the population so that there are no more famine and resource deficiency.
This Artoria was pregnant and she gave birth to 20 children, 19 of which (16 of which were girls) were aborted because of the 1 kid policy.
The end.