I spent the whole night locked in my room, trying to figure out a way to escape the castle. The tower was very tall, and suicide wasn't an option. I needed to get to Prince Emer to stop him from marrying someone else.
After hours of struggling to open the door, I fell asleep and woke up when it was already daylight again. I cried until my eyes burned and no more tears came out. The sound of the bolt on the door alerted me, and I hurried to grab my dagger, ready to attack whoever came in so I could escape.
— What nonsense are you up to? — Fortis says as he walks through the door. — Help the princess with her clothes. Hurry up! – he orders a couple of noblewomen behind him.
One heads to the bathroom and the other begins to take off my dress, but I push her away and prepare to leave the room. Fortis has locked me in the room, and I have no choice but to do as I'm told. – What is this? – I ask, seeing the garment on the bed. – The prince has chosen this dress for you – says one of the ladies. But I know Fortis couldn't have chosen this, since it's the dress my mother wore at her coronation. To delay the event a little, I ask to have my hair done, but both insist that I must wear it down.
— You must come with us, Princess — says the lady in the blue dress.
— I want to see my grandmother. Where is she? – I ask, but they remain silent — Where is my grandmother? – I ask the other one with blonde hair, but she stays silent too, so I slap both of them. — You're going to tell me right now!
— She's in the coronation hall waiting for you, Your Highness – says the lady in the blue dress with a displeased look. I have no choice but to follow.
During the coronation ceremony, I assess my chances of escaping. There are four doors, and two of them lead to a viable exit, but they're blocked by guards my grandmother surely ordered. It disgusts me to see Fortis gloating after being crowned. — Long live the king and queen! – the subjects repeat over and over. My grandmother motions for me to smile, which makes me burst into tears amid the applause and praise. The applause dies down while the murmurs grow louder. — The queen is deeply shaken and is still mourning her father's death. We will continue the celebration in the banquet hall – my grandmother declares – Go! – she orders them.
— I'd like to be alone with my wife for a while — says Fortis, gripping my arm tightly — I try to pull away, but he tightens his grip, and I can't help but sob.
— Manady — says my grandmother, placing her hand over Fortis's — What are you doing? Let her go.
— I said alone! — insists Fortis.
—You heard him — my grandmother says to the guards. As they leave, the woman kisses my forehead and wipes away my tears before leaving as well.
— You've put me through such an embarrassment, — says Fortis, pushing me aside. The mark of his hand throbs painfully on my skin. — All you do is cry!
— You're a beast, — I whisper, trying not to break down in tears once again.
— You'll come with me to Rubrum Vallem once we know whether you're pregnant or not. The masters don't recommend that pregnant women travel for so long.
— I'm not pregnant — I say, thinking of my last bleed.
— You don't know that — he says, looking me up and down — Or do you?
At that moment, I turn my back on him and leave the room. My grandmother is standing by the door with two guards, who then escort me to my room. — I don't feel well. I need the master — I say. The woman takes my hands, but I pull them away immediately. She nods and closes the door to my room.
When the master arrives, we sit in one of the sitting rooms in my bedroom, far from the door. — How did my father die?
— During the night, Your Majesty. Your grandmother tried to wake him one morning, but he didn't respond.
— Do you think something else might have happened?
— Your father was very ill. He held on longer than anyone could have predicted.
— Thank you, Master — I pace around the room to gather my courage.
— Is there anything else I may serve you with, Your Majesty?
— I'd like some tea to… ease my fatigue.
— Might the queen be pregnant?
— I might not. I don't believe that's of concern at this instant.
— If you're not sure, we can find out. Drinking tea if you're not pregnant can be very dangerous.
— Just bring it. Let no one know about this.
— As you command, Your Majesty.
After that day, I never heard from the Maester again. I realized I was pregnant a few weeks later. My breasts were tender and my appetite increased considerably, but I remained determined not to eat to prevent that creature from growing inside me. My grandmother made sure to bring me breakfast every morning once she found out about my pregnancy thanks to the ladies' gossip, since it was already starting to show. She would stay with me for at least an hour after watching me eat breakfast to make sure I ate, but this was useless because once she left, I would make sure to sniff the oils on my dressing table to make myself throw up everything. My only moments of absolute peace were when I took a bath and went to sleep. For days I thought about the possibility that my baby might be Emer's—maybe I'd already been pregnant before—but my calculations based on the last time I'd bled told me otherwise. The lack of food made me feel more sensitive; I'd get angry easily and have outbursts of rage where I'd throw everything around me, trying to get attention so I could be taken out of that confinement, and none of it helped.
Until today, when I stabbed myself in the abdomen to prevent this baby from being born. Just standing up made me feel dizzy, and I barely had the strength to hold the dagger, so I cut myself several times, which caused me to go into labor immediately. After hours of trying to get him out of me, he was born dead, a prince. I didn't even cry, and I don't think I ever will. — There won't be a scar if you apply the ointment — said the master who treated my cuts.
<><><> 1312 <><><>
Four years later, Fortis decided to drag me along with him to his country. I don't want to say goodbye to my grandmother, but she catches up to me before I board the ship. — Take care of yourself and don't forget to write to me.
— You betrayed me. You'll hear from me when I'm dead.
— Please — she pleads — let me hear from you.
— Then I'll come back when I get word that you've died.
Upon arriving in Rubrum Vallem, Fortis insisted that I be accompanied at all times and that it be by someone from the castle servitude. After thinking it over for a moment, I realized that Fortis would not hesitate to punish them if I stopped eating or tried to kill myself, something I could not do with members of the nobility. So from the start, I gave up on escaping and accepted that I would have to kill him, but not before having his heirs. That will secure my position in Rubrum Vallem, and its people will respect me.
A few hours before reaching the coast, I approach Fortis to ask if there will be a welcome ball. If no one recognizes my face, I still have a chance to flee. Fortis seems surprised that I'm speaking to him and replies that there won't be one. After a few moments of silence, he begins to talk about the castle, its age, and how long it took to build it, intending to impress me.
Upon arriving at the castle, we are introduced, and I see a line of young women from whom I am supposed to choose a maid and a lady-in-waiting. They are all scrawny and only moderately pretty when I approach to look at their faces, until I stop to look at a girl with black hair and soft features, as gentle as those of a lamb. When I ask her name, I know she is not as young as she appears from the tone of her voice, and her age confirms it. I choose her and another young girl with a similar face.
Fortis leaves after putting on his false display of affection. "Lady Valency, please make sure to give them new clothes and to place Miss Arteneses in a room next to mine," I say before being escorted by a noblewoman to my room.
The room isn't as small as I expected it to be, but the entire castle seems to be a miniature version of the Red Fortress, my home. I feel so tired that I decide to take a short nap. I wake up ravenously hungry and head to the balcony to get some fresh air, and moments later I hear the girl arrive. — You're quite the lady, Dotea — I say, trying to hide my surprise; she looks like a different person with more presentable clothing and hairstyle. — You can call me Queen Manady — I say, to put her at ease. She looks withdrawn and uncomfortable.
— I will — she says.
— What do you think? — I ask. Even though I'm standing on the balcony, I hadn't realized how beautiful the garden is. — It's a small garden, but it's lovely.
— It really is beautiful. I've never been to this part of the castle before.
This will surely be another prison for me. We keep talking as we look out at the garden, and then Fortis's whole speech about how polished this fortress is starts to make sense. The flowers remind me of the beautiful memories I share with Emer; every time we saw each other, she would brush the petals of a flower she'd picked for me against my chin. He used to tell me he was convinced that the flowers he gave me had a scent because of me, and not the other way around. Suddenly, I'm brought back to the present by the aroma of the food, and it's a relief for my stomach. The music after dinner helped me remember the nights when Emer and I would dance in front of my father and grandmother during their stay in Valgon while waiting for their ship to be repaired. To keep from crying, I decided to go to sleep. The sudden jolts in the middle of the night caused by storms that can arise out at sea had left me exhausted, and walking through the castle after resting for a while does nothing to improve my mood. I can't help but feel that I'm nothing more than a hostage here.