When I open my eyes in the morning, I feel a heavy weight on my chest. Dotea asks me what I'd like to wear— A red dress would be nice. We could agree to wear warm colors this week.
— Of course, my queen — she replies, glancing at the dressing table.
Once she has finished choosing the jewelry, the maid motions for us to follow her to the bathroom. As I take off my robe, I feel a little uncomfortable. After so many days of starving myself and even though I've regained some of the weight over the past two years, I haven't been the same since.
At breakfast time, the daylight, though warm, brings a touch of freshness to my soul. I think it might be because I've given in and am finally letting my soul rest from resentment for a while.
The food is delicious, but my companion doesn't seem interested and makes me feel guilty.
— Why aren't you eating? — I ask, putting down my utensils — You're so quiet. What are you thinking about?
— In the tribe, you'd certainly be a beauty — she says suddenly.
—What do you mean by 'the tribe'?
— I'm sorry, it's just that I'm not used to so much adornment. Sometimes I wonder what would have become of me if I'd stayed in the forest with my whole family.
— In the forest? — This reminds me of the indigenous tribes in my kingdom; I wish I hadn't forgotten their languages.
— Yes, I'm from the Ettary tribe, who were massacred by King Emer a few years ago — she continues talking about her tribe throughout the meal.
I'm a little surprised to learn that their customs are similar to those of the tribes in my kingdom. For example, instead of the birth ceremony taking place at a waterfall where you have to survive, it's held in an underwater cave, which the children must swim through until they reach the surface, where the sun god also welcomes them. Women also hunt in the tribes of my country, and it pleases me to imagine how this girl would have hunted a deer — You would have been a formidable hunter; the daughters of leaders always possess many outstanding skills and qualities. It is said that they are chosen by their own gods — I say, placing my hand on hers to comfort her — I wish you hadn't had to endure such a tragedy.
— Thank you — she says, apparently trying not to cry — Remembering my past is like a daily dream, but I'll never stop being an Ettary, and I feel like I can move forward.
— Of course you can. Everything you've been through makes you strong — I say with a smile to encourage her. In the afternoon, we go out to see the field of flowers, which has a wide variety similar to those at my castle. I'm surprised to learn that they come in different colors — Is it true what you told me? Is it true what you said about me, that I'd be a beauty in your tribe? — to which she nods, but looks away when she sees me smile.
— I certainly had never seen a beauty like yours, if I may say so.
I caress her chin with the flower I've been twirling between my fingers during our walk—You are a beautiful sight.
— My queen— Dotea smiles nervously and looks down. I find her reaction endearing, as if no one had ever praised her beauty before.
— Have you ever been in love? — To think that such a beautiful girl has no suitors is simply ridiculous — either in the castle or, even at such a young age, in the tribe.
— No, I've always tried to keep myself busy with other things.
— I suppose there must have been someone you found attractive at some point. There are plenty of men in the castle who could catch your eye.
— Yes — despite my silence, she doesn't elaborate on it.
— Are you in love?
— I don't think so, no — she hesitates a little before saying — I was much more interested in learning how to use a sword.
She's just full of surprises — And did the master ever teach you?
— No, I often read his books when he wasn't around — she says with a smile.
— I wish I had a hobby as interesting as yours — a fleeting memory flashes through my mind: the memory of Emer and me in the library, the memory of his painting — I was always reading, and I think I learned to ride a horse because I'd read every book in the library — I say, laughing as I recall a time when Emer fell off his horse.
— You must know a lot about the world from your books.
— Not really, I've only been to two places in the whole world. My grandmother used to say that reading should be a pleasure — I say, opening a flower with my fingers to show Dotea, then dabbing her nose with it as if it were a handkerchief. She smiles and links her arm through mine as we walk — Romance, adventure, sensuality. You find all those kinds of things in books; they can broaden your horizons.
She doesn't say anything else on the way back to the castle. I like to imagine what it would be like to kiss her—if it would somehow make her feel a tingle, or if it would make her laugh.
— I'd like to read something you recommend — she says while we're still in the carriage.
We arrive at my room, and I show her the books my mother used to read when she was young. — These are books from my country. I hope you'll treasure the one I'm giving you and return it when you've finished it.
— Your Majesty, the king requests your presence — the maid announces as she enters the room.
— Thank you, Merana — I say, and I go with her to the king's chambers. On the way, I notice we're moving away from the bedrooms — Where are you taking me?
— We're going to a private place — Merana says, handing me an unsealed envelope. When I open it, I find a drawing of me sleeping under the sheets, and my heart begins to race — Please, come with me.
Merana gives me a cloak to hide myself, and I ride alongside her until we reach a cabin in the forest surrounding the castle — I'll make sure no one comes.
I enter the cabin and only pull back my cloak when I see him turn his face toward me. I open my arms to draw closer and kiss him, but he pulls away from me — No, it's better not to — he says, barely audibly.
— What's wrong? — His face is downcast so he doesn't have to look me in the eyes; his expression is melancholy — Emer?
— I don't think our meetings are getting any safer. Look where I am, look how far we've come.
— I haven't seen you in years — I kiss him. Amid caresses, we make love once more. His touch takes me to the peak of arousal, and I end with a sigh to the heavens — Don't worry about a thing, my love — I say as we get dressed — I'll kill him once I have his children, and then we can get married if you leave her.
— You can't kill my brother; no one will believe you're innocent, Manady — he says, lowering his gaze with a sigh; it seems like he's hiding something.
— What do you suggest, then? — I ask. He still hasn't lifted his face, so I move closer to him. He seems to want to avoid my embrace, but finally decides against it, so I rest my head on his chest and slip my hands under his shirt to caress his back — Do you want us to run away? — His silence makes my heart race.
— She's pregnant — he says, breaking the silence. My hands drop, and I try to catch my breath as my eyes fill with tears and I step back to distance myself from the one who's just hurt me. I sigh with a smile, hoping I've imagined it all. When I look up, he meets my gaze; he's cut through the veil that had kept him at a distance from me — I thought you loved me — I say.
— I do love you, Manady.
— You slept with her — my voice cracks.
— What did you expect me to do? It's been years, years, Manady. This isn't something we can talk about with anyone.
— This? I thought you called it our love — I try to swallow the knot in my throat, but I just feel like I'm going to sob —You chose her. You used me and chose her.
— She's having my child; I can't abandon her!
— But you can abandon me?! After sharing a bed so many times, didn't you think I was too? — I turn my back on him to leave, but he stops me from opening the door. He kneels in front of me and wraps his arms around my waist.
— Tell me it's not true. Tell me your pregnancy wasn't mine.
— You damned! — I sob. He stands up and strokes my face.
— I love you.
— Don't you dare say that again.
As soon as I step out of the room, Merana approaches with a candle — Your Majesty, I have a request.
— We'll talk later…
— You're going to help me find my daughter, or I'll tell King Fortis about your adultery — she says with an expression that doesn't hide her fear.
Back at the castle, I wipe away my tears as I walk toward my room. I run and bury my face in the pillows to stifle my painful sobs — What's troubling you? — Dotea asks.
— You don't have to be here. I wish I were dead!
— Don't say such things! — she says, and pulls me close to her chest to comfort me with a song whose lyrics I don't recognize.
— Thank you, Dotea — I sigh and let myself fall onto the bed.
— I can stay with you if you'd like.
— Don't feel sorry for me. you're not obligated to.
— Yes, I am — she says, looking me in the eyes — You're crying. I can't leave and leave you like this. How could I possibly ignore your tears?
Her words touch my heart. I decide to go to sleep, so I turn my back to her so she won't keep looking at my tear-stained eyes. Dotea tucks me in and stays by my side until morning. I invite her to take a bath with me because I don't want to be alone.
— Are you feeling better? — she asks once we sit down to breakfast.
— I feel better — I say, still remembering Emer's words.
— What's troubling you so much?
— I thought he loved me — I say, gazing at the horizon, thinking about the path to that cabin, his caresses from last night, and the coldness with which he decided to end it all after I had his sperm inside me. I turn my gaze back to the table, and Dotea looks at me, waiting for a more complete answer, but I can't tell her the truth — It's been a while since we got married, and we still haven't consummated the marriage — If I don't have a child by the time winter returns, the marriage could be dissolved.
— I thought royalty married for life.
— Yes — I reply, trying to come up with something else — The life that's going to end will be mine. He can say I'm not fulfilling my duty as his wife and have me beheaded.
After a silence, Dotea suggests holding a ceremony so that I can have children. That will give him something else to think about, and that way I won't have to talk about Emer ever again. I wouldn't be surprised if Fortis found out from Merana that I slept with his brother recently, but maybe he wouldn't say anything. He would know he lost and that all his efforts to keep me just for himself didn't work.