I laugh. "At least that itch of yours gets scratched whenever you want."
"That is true. But Ace… he is one guy I have never been with. Probably never will be."
"No? I figured a star on the football team would go through girls like water."
"Oh, he probably could, but he has never looked at me twice, and that is fine. No sweat off my back. Still, he has played the lead role in a few of my fantasies."
I shake my head, amused. "Let me guess. He is a bit full of himself."
"Is it really egotistical if you are actually elite and you know it? He doesn't just talk big. He backs it up."
I shrug and realize campus is suddenly quiet. Hardly anyone else is walking now.
"You have one minute," Ruby says confidently as she gestures toward the building ahead. "Want me to walk you all the way to the door?"
"No, I've got it. I'll see you around, Ruby. You seriously saved me."
On impulse, I give her a quick one-armed hug and then take off running. It takes me the entire minute to actually find the classroom, but I manage to slide into my seat right as the professor begins. A rush of relief shoots through me. I try to ignore the fact that everyone else seems to have a backpack. Even Ruby had hers.
Quietly, I open my purse and pull out my small notebook and a pen.
College begins today.
A whole new chapter.
A chance to start over.
I should feel excited, but instead, fear coils in my stomach. My recent past has been hell.
Can I really step out of that darkness and make it through the other side without falling apart?
….
The syllabus is insane. Completely insane. I have no idea how we're supposed to get through all this material. Holy shit. I knew college would be harder than high school, but this feels almost cruel.
And my next class? Just as overwhelming.
At least both classes are in Dooling. Now I finally have a break, and after that, I have to find my next class in a totally different building. So I decide to head outside and walk around, try to get used to the campus a little more. It would be great if I ran into Ruby again. Why couldn't she have been my roommate? I know they wouldn't put a freshman with a junior, but still. She's fun, she's easy to talk to, and she actually made me feel at ease. Unlike Lauren.
I try not to dwell on that, but doubt is already sneaking in. I'm trying so hard to hold it together. I know I can do this.
I have to.
The darkness is not going to take me. It didn't take Ericca.
Still walking, I pull out my phone and call her. She might be in class, but maybe I'll get lucky.
Two rings, three, four… I'm about to hang up when she finally answers. "Kate!"
"Ericca." I can't help laughing. Just hearing her voice makes me feel lighter.
She's had just as much darkness—maybe even more—in her life, and somehow she's coming out the other side happier than ever. I root for her more than anyone. She's incredible. Strong in a way most people can't even imagine.
"How's it going?" I ask.
"I'm good," she says, a little breathless.
"Were you in the middle of something?" I ask pointedly.
"I have no idea what you're talking about!"
"Right," I tease. "Because you don't live with four guys."
"I do, but—"
"And you're not dating all four of them," I add, because if I don't, she will.
"Yes," she whispers.
I shake my head even though she can't see me. Ericca deserves all the love in the world, but four guys? I'm not judging, but how does she handle that? One guy is exhausting enough. Four? By the time one is done, another is ready. And from how satisfied she always sounds, I'm guessing her guys have stamina for days.
"You don't have to feel ashamed," I remind her gently.
"I'm not ashamed," she says quickly. "Why would I be?"
"I'm just saying."
"Well, how's your day? Today's your first day of classes, right?"
"Yeah. It's… going. That's the best way to put it."
"Seriously?" Now she sounds worried. "What happened?"
"I just…" I close my eyes and shake my head. "This isn't how I pictured it."
"When we go to college, we're going to be roommates, right?" thirteen-year-old me had asked her, both of us just starting high school.
"Of course! I'm not even applying to a school you're not applying to. What's the point?"
We'd hugged, laughing with ice cream dripping down our fingers.
God. If only things had stayed that simple.
Yeah, that never happened. Ericca ended up running away from Texas and finishing high school in another state. California, I think. She's still kind of vague about where she met those guys she lives with now, but that's where they all go to college.
And me? I'm still in Texas, just nowhere near the place I used to call home. I'm so far north now that I could practically walk into Oklahoma. Sinking Springs used to be home for both of us, but that's in the past. It's gone. And even if the past tries to claw its way forward and pull me back into the dark again, I'm not hiding anymore.
"I'm sorry," Ericca says quietly.
"Why are you apologizing?" I ask.
"We planned to be roommates," she reminds me.
"Yes, but everything got messed up because of our fathers."
"I know, but…" She exhales slowly. "I still want to be there for you, and I still think you should—"
"Even if I transferred to your college," I cut in, shaking my head, "it wouldn't feel the same."
She goes quiet for a moment. "I didn't want things to turn out like this."
"Ericca, stop."
"Stop what?"
"I'm happy for you," I say softly. "Really. We can't be roommates. Life happened. People grow apart."
"No," she says, suddenly firm. "We aren't going to grow apart. I won't let that happen."
I laugh. "Oh, so whatever you say goes? Is that how you manage four cocks at once?"
"Kate!" she squeaks. "You're outside, aren't you? Will you quit—"
"No one here knows you," I tease. "And even if they did, no one would care that you have a very… enthusiastic harem."
She giggles. "I want you to come visit and meet them."
"I am curious," I admit. "And this is a serious question. You can't actually marry all of them."
"Not legally," she says, "but that isn't important."
"Ah, of course. Love solves everything."
"Yes," she insists. "I hope you find a guy too."
"One," I say dryly. "Because I definitely don't think I could handle four."
"The right two or three or four…"
"How about just one?" I counter.
And then, without warning, I start thinking about Robb again. Great. Maybe I'm just not the type for one-night stands, or maybe it's because that one night had been so insanely good.
What if that's the best sex I ever have in my life and everything else from here on sucks in comparison? What if I ruined myself? Because if every guy falls short next to Robb, I am screwed.
My mom always claimed she never slept with anyone other than my father. I don't know if that's true, but part of me gets it now. If you only ever have one partner, you don't spend your life comparing everyone new to the one guy who blew your mind.
Not that Robb and I were lovers, but God, he knew what he was doing with my body that night…
"Kate? Are you still there?"
"Yeah, sorry."
"You totally weren't listening to me," Ericca accuses.
"No," I admit. "I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?" "What's going on, Kate. Talk to me. Please." "It's just a little terrifying."
"Terrifying?" Ericca sounds alarmed. "What's terrifying?" "Maybe terrifying is the wrong word," I mutter. "I've
been dealing with some stuff. That's all." "Already? Like what?"
"My roommate. We didn't get off on the right foot." "You can still work things out with you, can't you?"
"Yeah, I suppose, but I don't know. I did meet one girl who seems cool, so there's that."
"Seen any hot guys?" "Why? You want a fifth?" "No!"
I burst out laughing. "That was very emphatic."
"I'm just happy with things the way they are," she says defensively.
"Good, I'm glad."
"But I want you to be happy too."
I open my mouth to tell her something like I will be or some kind of bullshit like that, but Ericca can read me like a book, even over the phone, so there's no point in saying that.
Instead, I clear my throat. "I can't see how you can satisfy four cocks and make their owners happy."
"Kate!" I laugh.
"I'm glad you can find a way to be amused at my expense," she murmurs. "Your roommate probably isn't as bad as you think. I'm sure you can get along with her. You're so easy-going and laid back."
"Not anymore."
"Oh, Kate." Ericca's quiet for so long that I expect her not to say anything, but then she finally says, "How's your mom doing?"
"I should check in on her, but considering she isn't hounding me, I have to think she's doing well."
"She loves you."
"I know," I mumble, even though I can't help thinking that she loves my father a little too much. Opening her eyes to the truth—that our father was unhinged and ready to do anything and everything for the Thunder Crows…
"The Thunder crows are no more, not like my father had them all organized," Ericca says firmly. "They're gone. Your father, what is he up to?"
I rub the back of my neck. I don't want to get into all of this, but I should. I have to. I owe it to Ericca.
Ericca's father had been the leader of the Thunder Crows, a motorcycle club in Sinking Springs, Texas. Or, at least, that's what he wanted everyone to think. As it turned out, the Thunder Crows were actually mafia.
Yes, Ericca's father was a mobster. But he's dead now, dead and gone. Which is a good thing.
But I'm not sure it's enough. I really don't think it is.
"My father is unhinged," I whisper. "I have no idea what he might do, and that is why my mom has to stay in Europe. She will be safe there."
"And what about you?" Ericca asks. "Are you sure he will not come after you?"
"How can I be sure about anything?" I reply quietly.
"Kate, I hate seeing you like this. I thought you were excited about the future."
"I was," I say.
And I mean it. Right after I returned from the cruise, I felt full of hope. With Ericca's father dead and the Thunder Crows falling apart except for the members who chose to follow Ericca, things seemed better. Her father had taken many of them to California because of the rivalry with the Savage Reapers, another biker group mixed with a mafia ring. Ericca and Brett, one of her men, joined the two groups together until they became a normal motorcycle club with no mafia ties anymore.
But whenever I am not having a dream about Robb and his mouth and his hands and every wicked thing he can do, I am having nightmares about all the terrible things you would expect from a mafia. People who try to leave, people who know too much, people they want to control. My mom and I were never part of the Thunder Crows, but my father was.
And I cannot stop thinking about what he might do.
Because I never told Ericca something important. She once asked me to find out who her father left in charge of the Thunder Crows when he went to California.
The answer had been my father.
There is no way the remaining members would follow him willingly, not after everything that happened with Mr. Slade. My father can be terrifying, but he is not a leader. Mr. Slade must have chosen him because he knew my father could never take his place.
Right?
I also do not know if my father will ever sign the divorce papers. My mom already signed them. Can a divorce in Texas go through with only one signature? Maybe, but it would probably take a long time and a lot of money. And if it means my mom has to return to Texas, then it is not worth the risk. She is living in Europe with a new identity. She can rebuild her life and forget her first husband completely. If she ever decided to get married again, technically it would be polygamy, but who cares. Look at Ericca. She has four men, and if she could marry them all legally, she would.
"Do you need me to come out there and visit you?" Ericca asks.
"Visit me? No way. Your semester just started, and you are already busy with all those cocks…"
I slam into someone so hard I almost drop my phone.
And when I look up and see who I ran into, the phone nearly slips from my hand again.
I blink. Then blink again, and again, and even pinch my arm, but he does not disappear. He is still standing there with that messy black hair that is just long enough for me to tug, and those sharp blue eyes that cut straight through me.
My heart trips over itself.
How is Robb standing right in front of me?