Curls
Oh no no no... Is he coming here? Why? No!! I'm so not ready for this, I just wanted to clear the air, clear my conscience, no my conscience is crystal freaking clean, I wanna clear my name, it's infuriating to imagine what he might think of me, and that was before all of this...
When I told dad what happened, he looked at me like I'm some kind of idiot "and what did you expect was going to happen?" Like it was something so obvious. If it really was... Why didn't he say something before all this mess! Why didn't anyone say something! Anything!
Oh no! Jay is already here! Did he run?? Frack! I need more time to think!!!
"Ey..." His voice has changed, it sounds like gravel, my entire body shivers. I am so not ready. "So... Do you have, like, a really really specific type or should we talk?"
"What? Now?"
"Fuck no, not right now, I've got ice cream waiting for me, dude. It's mango!!!"
"Knowing you it's probably double mango"
"You don't know me anymore... But of course it's a double mango, Mark, I'm not an idiot" ugh I hate it when he calls me Mark... Or anything other than Curls. "Just give me your number and we'll set up a date. A DAY. A date like a day I meant, not like a date date, fuck!
I am laughing?! After all the crap I've been through today, he can still make me laugh? I'm so screwed.
"Relax James " ha! I saw that! You don't like it when I call you by your name either. "You're not that irresistible"
"Ha! Like hell I'm not! Have you seen all this!" He waves at his body... He has a point. Asshole!
That's not his Jay attitude...he was never so... So... In-your-face kinda guy... Well, he was, but not in a queer way. "You've changed a lot"
"Not really, if anything I'm more me than before, like the me you knew wasn't the real me, you know? Like, I was just pretending, all the time, it was fucking exhausting!"
"We were all just pretending..."
"I guess..."
"And that's kind of related with what I wanted to talk about, not about that other thing" damnit "I didn't even notice that until the two of you were standing right in front of each other"
"Do you need glasses? Cause it's so fucking obvious."
"Oh fuck off"
"Ha!!!" He points at me "I got you cursing! You owe me a beer!"
"I never agreed to that!" He really hasn't changed...
We have an awkward laugh, he gives me he's phone, so I call mine, now we both have our numbers.
"Ok, well, we'll talk..." He is scratching the back of his head... Is he flexing? Really??? And he kind of looks relieved? "You know this" he points at him and me "it's never gonna happen right?"
"Ha! Don't get so full of yourself, I don't want that to happen either" liar.
"Ok, cool, cool cool cools so" he turns around and walks away "just keep telling yourself self that"
"Oh fuck off!"
"That's two beers!!" He pumps his fist.
"I missed you." He stays still a second, and keeps walking away.
Saying nothing. Of course...
I am so screwed...
I see him reunite with the others, his tiny boyfriend(?) keeps throwing glances at me. It kind of makes me feel good to be able to make someone so jealous, I am a horrible person. When did I turn into this?
And where the hell is that bus!
A text from Jerr! "Don't come back" that's all it says. I try calling but he has me blocked again.
And now is when the bus shows up, damn my life. So I stand up, and start walking to dad's house.
So Jerr is at home... Sarah did say to take the week. And I think I need time as much as he does... But damn, I hate doing nothing to solve this... thing... I don't even know what to call it... A misunderstanding? A mess is what it is...
I should give him time, I should do whatever he tells me to... I don't want to get a divorce! We have a life together, Jerr and me, not Jay! I don't want that with Jay... right? He is just a memory, not even that, a fantasy... the memory of a fantasy...
I'm in love with Jerr.
Right?
"Just keep telling yourself that"
Fuck off.