If Jack had learned anything in the last few days, it was this:his life was no longer his.
Once, he'd worried about rent, ramen, and whether his ex was still using his Netflix account. Now? Vampires, werewolves, and hunters dragged him around like a prize-winning show pig at a county fair.
Tonight was no exception.
The Tri-Council, still buzzing from yesterday's brawl, had decided Jack needed to "prove his worth." Which was fancy code for humiliate the loser in public.
So they marched him into a torchlit arena, thousands watching from the stands, and one by one, the elders of each faction stepped forward.
Lucian whispered in his ear: "Survive this, Jack. Somehow."
Jack whispered back: "Buddy, I couldn't survive my student loans. What makes you think I'll live through this?"
The Vampire Elder and the Infinite Go Board
The first challenger shuffled forward: Elder Veyron, an ancient vampire with skin like old parchment and eyes glowing faintly red. His voice creaked like a haunted rocking chair.
"We shall play Go," Veyron croaked. "A battle of intellect, not strength."
The crowd murmured approvingly.
Jack sat across from him at a massive board carved from obsidian. Stones clattered like thunder as Veyron made his first move.
Jack stared at the board. He had never played Go in his life. He barely mastered tic-tac-toe.
"Uh… is this, like, vampire chess?"
Laughter rippled through the audience.
Jack, panicking, plopped a stone randomly. By sheer luck, it landed in the one spot that trapped three of Veyron's groups.
The crowd gasped.
Veyron's withered eyes widened. "Impossible…"
Jack shrugged. "Beginner's luck?"
Move after move, Jack kept blundering. Yet somehow, his drunken logic—"fill the empty spaces so it looks pretty"—consistently crushed the elder's strategies. Every time Veyron thought he had Jack cornered, Jack would sneeze, drop a stone in the wrong place, and accidentally dismantle centuries of perfected tactics.
At last, Veyron slumped back, defeated. "In five hundred years… no one has bested me. You are… a genius."
Jack blinked. "Really? Because I thought I was just doodling with rocks."
Veyron stood, trembling, and placed his cold hand on Jack's chest. "For your brilliance, I shall grant you the secret art—Energy Vampirism. The power to absorb energy, to preserve your youth, to live forever."
Gasps filled the chamber.
Jack whispered, "Wait… you're telling me I just earned vampire immortality by playing Othello wrong?"
The crowd roared approval.
The Werewolf Chief and the Card Table of Doom
Next, the floor rumbled.
From the wolf faction stepped Chief Ulric, a mountain of fur and scars, his presence so intense the air itself seemed to howl.
"No tricks," Ulric growled. "We settle this like men."
He slammed a battered deck of poker cards on the table.
Jack blinked. "Wait… poker? Like… Texas Hold 'Em? You guys have casinos?"
Karen shouted from the sidelines: "Shut up and play, mate!"
The table shook as Ulric dealt. His golden eyes gleamed with the certainty of a predator who'd fleeced every opponent for centuries.
Jack picked up his cards. A two and a seven. "Oh. Great. The Walmart version of luck."
Ulric snarled, pushing a mountain of gold coins forward. "All in."
Jack panicked. He had no money. So he tossed in the only thing he had—half a melted candy bar from his hoodie pocket. "All in."
The audience erupted in laughter.
The flop came. Somehow, impossibly, Jack hit three of a kind. The turn? Another seven. The river? Four of a kind.
Ulric's jaw dropped. His royal flush was worthless.
Jack stood, candy bar still in hand. "Hah! Read 'em and weep! King of the losers strikes again!"
The werewolves howled, unable to believe it.
Ulric slammed the table so hard it shattered, then threw back his head in booming laughter. "Never have I been defeated! You… you are no ordinary man!"
He seized Jack by the shoulders. "Take this gift, brother—the Golden Wereform. A transformation of pure might, skin like steel, body unbreakable. With this, you are kin to the wolves."
Jack trembled. "Wait, so… I just unlocked Super Saiyan Werewolf Mode by eating a Snickers at the right time?"
The werewolves howled in approval.
The Hunter Champion and the Punching Contest
Finally, the hunters stepped forward.
From their ranks emerged General Stonehammer Kane, father of Seraphina, a wall of muscle wrapped in scars and steel. His fists were so huge they probably had their own postal codes.
He cracked his knuckles. "Simple test. No games. We trade punches until one falls."
Jack's stomach dropped. "Uh… can we trade hugs instead?"
No answer.
The crowd cheered as Stonehammer planted himself like a mountain. "I strike first."
WHAM.
His fist slammed into Jack's gut like a freight train. Jack flew five feet back, gagged, and lay wheezing on the ground.
The audience roared with laughter.
Somehow, Jack staggered up. "Okay… my turn."
He wound up, stumbled forward, and swung with the force of a dying hamster. His fist barely tapped Stonehammer's jaw.
And then—CRACK.
The unthinkable happened. Stonehammer swayed… and collapsed.
The chamber went dead silent.
Jack stared at his own fist. "Did I just… did I just one-punch man the Terminator?"
In reality, Stonehammer had slipped on the puddle of wine Jack spilled earlier. But nobody saw it. To them, Jack had landed a god-tier punch.
The General coughed, kneeling. "Incredible… you've mastered the secret of accuracy. I grant you the ultimate hunter's technique—Hundred Percent Hit Rate. Every strike, every shot… will never miss."
The hunters saluted.
Aftermath
The crowd erupted into chaos. Vampires shrieked. Werewolves howled. Hunters stomped their boots.
Jack, dazed, raised his hands. "So let me get this straight… I just got: vampire immortality, werewolf invincibility, and hunter perfect aim… all in one night… by playing games I didn't understand?"
Love Dick laughed so hard she nearly spilled her wine. "Darling, you're either the luckiest man alive, or the universe's cruelest inside joke."
Karen howled proudly: "That's my mate!"
Seraphina smirked. "That's my man."
Selene purred, "That's my destiny."
Jack slumped back in his chair, half-terrified, half-thrilled.
Yesterday, he'd been a broke loser.Today?He was a broke loser with three god-tier powers and more unwanted attention than a cat in a dog park.
Jack muttered to himself:"…Please tell me this comes with dental."