Jack was still standing at the altar when the first missile hit.
The explosion rattled the ground, sent chairs flying, and blew the wedding cake into a smoking pile of frosting and fire. The crowd screamed. The preacher bolted faster than any man of God had ever moved.
Jack staggered, clutching the bow tie someone had forced onto his neck. "Oh great. Not only am I in the world's dumbest wedding, but now it's a war zone. Just once, I'd like to have cake before the apocalypse shows up."
Chad Thunderbullet's voice boomed from outside the town square. "Blood Moon Loser! Step away from the altar! By order of the Hunter Guild, you're finished!"
Armored vehicles rolled into view, headlights cutting through the night. Dozens of hunters in black tactical gear fanned out, rifles raised, rocket launchers locked. They looked ready to obliterate everything in sight, including the half-drunk marching band still playing in confusion.
Jack muttered, "Why does it always feel like I'm in the wrong movie? Everyone else gets Lord of the Rings, I get Die Hard: Small-Town Wedding Edition."
The brides were the first to react.
Karen ripped off her wedding dress sleeves, revealing arms bulging with muscle and claws. She growled, "Nobody interrupts my damn wedding!" and charged headfirst at the armored convoy.
Lucian's eyes flared crimson. His cape whipped as if alive. "Pathetic mortals. You dare ruin my ceremony?" He leapt into the air, tearing a hunter drone out of the sky with one hand.
Love Dick smirked, tossing her bouquet aside. "At least something exciting is happening. Let's make this a night to remember." She snapped her fingers, summoning scarlet flames that engulfed the nearest squad of hunters.
Seraphina raised her crossbow and fired. Every shot hit a weak point: exploding tires, rupturing fuel tanks, weapons snapping in half. She didn't miss once.
The townsfolk, inspired by Jack's accidental heroics the night before, joined in too. Drunken dads hurled folding chairs. Teenagers pelted hunters with hot dogs. Grandma Jenkins swung her rolling pin like a medieval mace, dropping two soldiers before they knew what hit them.
Jack stood frozen on the altar, eyes wide. "Oh my God… I'm watching the world's dumbest Avengers assemble. And somehow, I'm the reason this is happening."
Then Mr. Snuggles leapt from his shoulder.
The red panda landed softly on the altar rail, tiny eyes glowing with unholy light. It squeaked once, and the ground split beneath the advancing tanks. The machines toppled like toys, hunters scrambling as the beast wagged its striped tail.
A hunter commander shouted, "Target the animal! It's a divine-class beast!"
They fired rockets. The panda sneezed. The rockets turned into fireworks mid-air, bursting into glittering sparks that rained harmlessly across the town. Children clapped like it was the Fourth of July.
Jack gawked. "My pet just rewrote physics. What the hell did I feed him?!"
The battle turned into utter chaos.
Karen wrestled two hunters at once, tossing them into the punch bowl. Lucian impaled a tank with a steel beam ripped from a lamppost. Love Dick laughed maniacally as she turned bullets into roses that exploded on impact. Seraphina vaulted across rooftops, every arrow she loosed dropping another soldier.
Even the preacher came back swinging, Bible in one hand, fire extinguisher in the other. "The Lord is my shepherd, but tonight I'm the damn wolf!"
Through it all, Jack ran in circles, dodging gunfire, screaming at random intervals. At one point he tripped, rolled, and accidentally knocked a hunter unconscious with his microphone. At another, he slipped on frosting, slid across the square, and crashed into a rocket launcher, somehow firing it directly into the Hunter Guild's command van.
The van exploded in flames.
Everyone stopped and stared.
Jack stood up slowly, covered in frosting and soot, holding the empty launcher like a confused toddler holding a toy. "Uh… surprise?"
The brides all screamed at once."That's my man!""That's my mate!""He's mine!"
They rushed toward him in the middle of the burning battlefield, claws, fangs, and crossbows still dripping with chaos. Jack yelped and backpedaled. "No! Not now! We're literally under attack!"
Mr. Snuggles jumped back onto his shoulder, squeaking proudly as if to say: Yes now. They want you. Good luck, idiot.
The hunters began retreating, dragging their wounded, shouting orders. Tanks burned. Vehicles smoldered. Civilians were cheering like they'd just won a football game.
But Chad Thunderbullet wasn't done.
He strode forward through the smoke, armor dented, face grim. His eyes locked on Jack with the fury of a man whose ego had been shattered. "You think you can embarrass the Guild? You think you can steal the spotlight? This ends tonight, Loser."
He leveled a massive weapon, glowing with arcane energy. It hummed like a nuclear heart ready to burst.
Jack, still dripping in cake frosting, groaned. "Why is it always me? Can't someone else be the chosen one for once?!"
The brides all shouted at once, forming a shield around him. Karen growled. Lucian bared fangs. Love Dick's hands glowed with fire. Seraphina drew her bow. Mr. Snuggles crouched, tail blazing with cosmic light.
The crowd held its breath.
Jack's heart pounded. He raised his hands weakly. "Uh… I guess we're… married to chaos now?"
Chad pulled the trigger.
And the world lit up.