The message is there, right in front of me, glowing on the screen. I stare at it. The words swirl in my mind, but no images form. There are no more images, only fragments of memories, shards of silence, and echoes of past laughter.
The light from the screen casts a shadow over my face, as if trying to reveal a truth i've spent so long avoiding.
Had i really been that blind?
I begin to read, almost forcing myself, searching for what still eludes me.
"Hi! How are you today?"
It begins with that, gentle on the surface, but only a thin veil hiding the inevitable. That greeting hits me harder than it should. That simple today makes me falter, as if this seemingly insignificant word contains everything I've overlooked in days past.
Today... as if yesterday, everything was still possible, as if there was a chance for things to be different. But no. Today, it's already too late. She's elsewhere, and I'm here with unanswered questions.
Does love end so easily?
The following words unfold like abandoned promises. She speaks of what she understood, of what she saw.
"I realized that my heart had grown tired of waiting for something that never seemed to come…"
It's like a dagger. My heart tightens, my breath shortens. She waited, she hoped, and I failed. Every word that follows resonates within me. She waited, and i was never truly there.
I said words, made promises, but they hung in the air, nothing concrete.
And now, she tells me. She states it simply, like a fact. She grew tired. And i never even grasped the meaning of that word until now. This is where I see it.
This is where i realize how love can become an unbearable waiting.
She continues, "…something that never seemed to come or, when it did seem to, was always held back by reasons i never understood."
She speaks of unknown reasons. She suffered in uncertainty. And i left her in that uncertainty. Those reasons i let float without ever explaining them, those doubts that piled up without me making a move to clear them away.
It was as if i believed love could thrive on its own without effort, without the need for clarity. But she tells me it wasn't the case. And the pain of that truth is a cold, hard slap.
Love also requires the courage to be clear.
So why did I wait for her to leave before understanding that?
Then she says: "I even felt like i was chasing after you…"
That phrase shatters me.
I tried to run from her in every form, believing that attachment was something to resist, out of fear of being too vulnerable.
But she... she exhausted herself chasing a mirage. She chased after a promise i never kept. I was never truly present nor able to meet her needs. Was i ever the man she hoped for?
She goes on, more direct this time: "Now everything is clear to me."
The blow is harsh.
Clear, she says.
And i'm drowning in confusion, lost in the turmoil of my own mind.
She knows what she wants. She has sorted her life. And i'm still here with my hesitations, my endless questions.
But the worst of it all is that she accepted the end before i could even understand what was happening. She found clarity in this situation while i was too paralyzed to see anything; too stubborn to accept what's obvious, even when i didn't want to see it...
She adds, almost as if in release: "From a sentimental standpoint, i'm no longer waiting for you, and you can no longer hope for anything from me."
I smile, but it's not a happy smile. It's bitter, cruel, almost cynical. She's right. She's been more patient than i deserved. She understood before me. And i feel like i'll never fully understand, never find the right words, never find the right moment.
I knew there were cracks, but I didn't know how to fill them. And here we are.
It's over. The end of everything. There's no more room for me in her heart. No more space in her mind. I'm just another memory now, one that no longer hurts, one that time will erase.
There's a void in me, but it's too late to fix anything.
She's made her decision. She expects nothing. She no longer expects me. And that hurts. But it's also what wakes me up.
Finally, she ends on a softer note, almost nostalgic: "It was a pleasure trying to build something solid with you, and even if it led nowhere, we did our best."
That sentence wounds me in a way i can't describe. Because it's not just a farewell but it's the acceptance of failure. We did our best. Yet, our best wasn't enough. I feel like I'm drowning in those words.
Loving is also knowing when it's time to let go.
I let the message linger on the screen. It's there, in front of me, like a shattered mirror. And in every shard, i see a bit of her, a bit of me. I need time to process everything.
I breathe deeply, over and over. The words suffocate me, but i must face them. Because they're all that's left of us.
I'll respond, but for now, i can't find the words. Not yet. Not while this question lingers: How do you say it's over when everything has already been said, yet nothing feels precise enough to honor what we once were?
And so, my monologue begins. In the silence of lingering words. In the search for an answer i'm not sure i want to give. But endings must come. This story needs its final word.
In every word she wrote, i see a reflection of all that failed. And in my response, I will search for a truth; a truth perhaps neither of us ever found together.
And so, i finally begin...