Chapter 2: Colossus Gets a New Nickname
Colossus's composure instantly shattered: "Damn it, Wade! What are you doing? He's already dead!"
Holstering his gun, Deadpool replied in a tone that suggested this should be obvious: "I'm giving him another shot. Isn't that exactly what you were expecting just now?"
"But I expected you to shoot YOURSELF in the temple!"
"But I said I'd give HIM another shot. Never said anything about shooting myself."
"I just can't die. Doesn't mean I'm a masochist. Why would I randomly shoot myself for no reason?"
"Then why did you put the gun to your temple just now?"
Deadpool spread his hands and tilted his head: "Because I felt like it. You gonna stop me?"
Colossus: ...
"We really need to have a talk, Wade."
"About what? Our relationship?"
Deadpool cupped his face in his hands, looking delighted: "You've finally come around? Darling!"
"No. About how you shouldn't kill people, and DEFINITELY shouldn't desecrate corpses."
"Damn it!"
Deadpool pointed his gun at the corpse again: "You're seriously going to lecture me about this fake priest who molested little boys under the guise of performing exorcisms?"
"Use that big brain of yours and think about it. During his 'exorcisms,' this priest held a cross and a Bible, thrust his hips, and shouted at the demon: 'Demon, come out of this child!'"
As he spoke, Deadpool demonstrated with an exaggerated hip thrust: "Then the demon roared back at the priest: 'Damn it, the one who needs to come out of him is YOU!'"
"Do you have any idea how horrifying that scene is?"
"He still shouldn't have died by your hand."
Thinking about that scene, Colossus paused for a moment before recovering. He pointed at the corpse, his emotions running high: "And you DEFINITELY shouldn't have shot his corpse!"
BANG.
Another spray of blood erupted from the body.
"What are you DOING, Wade?!"
Colossus nearly lost it, shouting: "Why did you shoot him again?"
"I swear to God, the gun went off accidentally."
Deadpool held up four fingers with gaps wide enough to fit the universe between them: "And why are you so worked up? It's not like he could be your father."
"I heard with my own ears—the guy couldn't even roll his R's."
"He's already DEAD, Wade! You're desecrating a corpse!"
"Yes, he's already dead. He can't feel pain. So these two shots caused him approximately zero harm—probably less harm than you kicking down that door caused the building's owner."
"What?"
Momentarily confused by Deadpool's example, Colossus pointed at the door he'd just smashed through in his urgency: "How is that possible? It's just a door. I'll fix it and pay for the damages."
"What if this door was a gift from his deceased grandmother?"
Deadpool spread his hands: "How would you compensate for that?"
"How is that possible? What grandmother gives her grandson a rooftop door?"
"Who knows?"
"Maybe grandma gave him a regular door, but after this kind old lady passed away, the grandson moved it to the rooftop to keep her closer to heaven."
"Oh my God, what a touching display of family love! I'm going to cry!"
Deadpool walked over to the door, bent down, and pointed at the top side facing away from Colossus, reading aloud: "In 1985, from my dear grandmother—Stefan Kapicic."
"Stop lying. That's obviously a man's name. And it's not even a good one."
"I'm not lying. Come see for yourself if you don't believe me."
"Damn it. If that's really true, I'll need to apologize properly to the building's owner."
Seeing Deadpool's serious demeanor without any hint of joking, Colossus started to panic.
He quickly walked forward and looked at the spot Deadpool was indicating.
At the same time, he began calculating in his mind how he should compensate the building's owner.
Due to the conflict between mutants and humans, the X-Men's public reputation had always been mixed—especially since Magneto had recently caused chaos in New York with his Brotherhood over some incident.
Colossus didn't want to tarnish the X-Men's reputation at such a critical moment.
Gently picking up the door that had been bent into a U-shape, Colossus carefully scanned the area Deadpool had been looking at and asked: "Where is it? I don't see anything."
Deadpool spat twice into his hands, rubbed them together, then rubbed his shin: "How could you not see it? Look harder."
Hearing the voice behind him, Colossus's instincts screamed danger. He dropped the door and was about to turn around when he felt a heavy impact between his legs.
CLANG!!!
The sound of metal striking metal echoed across the rooftop.
"SHIT! FUCK! DAMN!"
Colossus scratched his crotch, watching speechlessly as Deadpool hopped backward on one foot, clutching his leg and cursing up a storm.
That leg looked like a broken chopstick, dangling limply—clearly snapped clean through.
"Sigh. Wade, this is the seventeenth time you've done this this year. When are you going to learn?"
"Hsssss~"
CRACK!
Deadpool gritted his teeth, grabbed his shin, and twisted hard. The bones snapped back into place as his healing factor kicked in, rapidly mending the injury: "I just wanted to see if everything stays that hard when you're transformed. You know, in ALL situations."
"Unfortunately, yes."
"Oh my God, Piotr, then how does your..."
Deadpool clapped his hands together in shock, producing crisp slapping sounds: "...girlfriend handle it when you're doing the deed?"
"I don't have a girlfriend."
"Not always, though."
"Actually, I've never had one."
"Oh. That's really sad, buddy."
Colossus: (ー`´ー)
"Listen, you really need to find a girlfriend. If you don't take care of this situation soon, you're going to auto-class-change into an Archmage."
Something occurred to Deadpool as he stroked his chin: "Mmm, how about you just change your name to Magic-ossus? I like that name. Sounds delicious."
Colossus: ...
He rubbed his head in frustration: "Seriously, Wade, I preferred you from a year ago. Back then, even though you had a dirty mouth, at least you apologized after insulting people."
Deadpool straightened up, clasped his hands in front of him, and bowed deeply: "I'm sorry. I apologize for touching on such a sensitive subject, Mr. Magic-ossus."
"Are you done? If you're done, let's go."
Colossus decided to block out Deadpool's nonsense and cut straight to the point.
"Go where?"
"The Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters."
"I'm sorry, I apologize, Mr. Magic-ossus."
Deadpool bowed again: "While I am indeed a genius and look quite youthful, unfortunately I'm over thirty—no longer that young wind-chasing teenager. You'll have to find someone else."
"Listen, Wade. You're too dangerous."
Colossus stepped forward, getting close to Deadpool and speaking seriously: "You're like a child—a fully armed, utterly reckless, dangerous child!"
"Oh! My God! Look at this steel-like sheen, this steel-like hardness, this magnificent girth!"
As overwhelming masculine energy washed over him, Deadpool went limp against the railing. His hand trembled as it caressed Colossus's exaggerated bicep, his eyes glazing over: "Do you use it to sharpen knives?"
Colossus clearly hadn't fully adapted to Deadpool's wildly jumping thought patterns and answered reflexively: "Occasionally... I guess."
"What about chopping vegetables?"