Chapter 3: Transmigration and the Golden Finger
Deadpool formed his hand into a blade-shape and tapped lightly on Colossus's pecs like he was chopping vegetables, producing rhythmic thump-thump-thump sounds.
"Never tried it, but it should work fine."
"Oh my God!"
Deadpool gasped, pressing his face against the metal and nuzzling it: "I'm in love~"
"What about hammering nails?"
"Of course I—" Colossus suddenly realized something was wrong and jumped back two steps: "Wade, stop changing the subject!"
"Fine."
Flicking Colossus's bicep with his finger, producing a crisp TANG, Deadpool dropped the coy act, stood up, and looked Colossus straight in the eye: "So what happens if I say I'm not going?"
Colossus said firmly: "Then I'll take you back by force."
The people Deadpool dealt with were all vicious criminals—that wasn't the problem. The problem was that he was too willing to use any means necessary and had zero respect for the law.
This was wrong.
He needed to be brought back to the Xavier Institute for proper training, then join the X-Men and uphold justice according to X-Men rules and regulations.
"Okay."
Deadpool ducked out of pec-crushing range and put distance between himself and Colossus, pointing at him: "So you want a fair 1v1 duel with me, is that it?"
"You're wrong, Wade. I don't want to. But if you insist, I won't object."
Colossus clenched his boulder-sized fists and waved them at Deadpool.
"Alright, ladies and gentlemen!"
Deadpool turned around and waved enthusiastically at the completely empty air: "Please enjoy the sacred duel between the highly anticipated superhero—handsome and beautiful in equal measure, wisdom and combat power both off the charts—Deadpool, Wade Winston Wilson, and the X-Men's Magic-ossus, Piotr Nikolaievitch Rasputin!"
"Man, that name is perfect for padding word count. From now on, I'm using your full name every single time."
After saying this, Deadpool turned back and added his commentary.
"You can just say Peter Rasputin."
Deadpool's expression became deadly serious: "No! You can be called anything—ANYTHING—except Peter!"
"Why?"
"No reason. Just no. You don't deserve it!"
"But I... Fine. Whatever you want."
Colossus cracked his neck, then his knuckles, producing sharp popping sounds: "Hurry up. After I take you back, I have other things to do."
He still needed to fix that door for the building owner.
"Of course!"
Deadpool instantly drew both guns, spinning them in his palms like tops at high speed, producing whooshing sounds.
Hearing this, Colossus lowered his center of gravity and assumed a charging stance.
His strategy for catching Deadpool had been worked out a year ago. Like putting an elephant in a refrigerator, it was simple—just three steps: charge forward, one punch down, pick him up.
Done.
CLATTER.
Deadpool's gun was spinning too fast. One of them flew out of his hand, hit the ground, and slid far away on its remaining momentum, bumping into the rooftop door.
"Wait, wait, I haven't said start yet!"
He quickly shoved the other gun back in its holster, made a time-out gesture, and ran with tiny steps toward the fallen weapon. He bent down to pick it up.
Colossus watched this scene helplessly, maintaining his pose as he turned in place to face Deadpool: "Ready now?"
"Of course."
Deadpool blew dust off the gun, aimed it at Colossus's head, then adjusted slightly to point behind him: "I'm ready. How about you? We agreed on 1v1, so shouldn't the person behind you step aside?"
Someone behind me?
Colossus's pupils contracted. A chill ran down his spine as he whipped around.
Nothing behind him.
He turned back. Still nothing—just the sound of rapid footsteps thundering down the stairs.
"DAMN IT!"
Colossus slammed his fist down and took off running.
This was the twenty-eighth time he'd fallen for Deadpool's tricks this year!
As the thunderous sounds of descending footsteps echoed, an intense chase scene unfolded in this New York City high-rise.
Deadpool ran at full speed in front, but every time he passed a door, he'd try the handle to see if it would open—a behavior that severely slowed him down.
Colossus followed two floors behind. Despite his massive build, his speed was excellent—even faster than Deadpool's. The distance between them was rapidly shrinking.
Without breaking stride, he shouted down: "Wade, stop running! You can't get away!"
Deadpool's snarky voice echoed up from below: "Piotr, stop chasing! We can never be together!"
After descending several more floors, Colossus finally caught sight of Deadpool's figure. At that moment, Deadpool finally found an unlocked door and charged through it.
In his urgency, Colossus couldn't worry about property damage. He leaped down from the stairwell.
BOOM!
Floor tiles shattered. The entire floor seemed to tremble.
Don't ask why he didn't drop his metal form. Last time he did that, Deadpool had absolutely wrecked him—just thinking about it made his fifth limb phantom-ache.
"AHHH!!!"
"That bastard!"
Hearing a woman's scream, Colossus's expression darkened further. He rushed into the apartment to see Deadpool standing at a bedroom door, one hand on the handle, the other waving at him.
The scream had come from inside the bedroom.
"Had enough fun yet, Wade?"
"Not yet."
Deadpool turned the handle.
"Damn it!"
Seeing this, Colossus rushed forward.
But Deadpool had already opened the door. In a flash, he slipped into the bedroom and slammed the door shut.
CRASH!
Colossus couldn't stop his momentum in time. The wooden door instantly shattered into pieces.
Inside the bedroom, a blonde, blue-eyed woman had already been scared half to death by the earlier crash. Now, with a metallic giant bursting through her door, she was completely terrified. Her eyes rolled back and she fainted on the spot.
"Damn it! Damn it! DAMN IT!"
Colossus had lost count of how many times he'd cursed today. After scanning the room and failing to find that red-and-black-suited bastard anywhere, he said it three more times.
Looking at the destruction all around, he sighed as the metallic sheen faded from his body. He pulled out his phone.
Great. Left him with a huge mess right before leaving. Deadpool seriously, seriously, SERIOUSLY needed more education!
...
New York, somewhere in Brooklyn. The antique cars driving up and down the street indicated this wasn't modern times—at least not post-2000.
Having changed clothes and now wearing a baseball cap and face mask, Deadpool sucked on a lollipop while internally sighing with emotion.
Man, leaving my bro with a sweet romantic opportunity before I go—I'm such a GREAT friend!
The clothes came from some punks who'd tried to rob him. The lollipop was traded from an adorable little girl using a bullet casing.
From those punks, he'd also made a small fortune. Not much, but enough to help out a few poorly-dressed homeless ladies in need.
The Deadpool he'd merged with was different from other Deadpools. This mutant universe was already riddled with holes—rebooted God knows how many times.
Deadpool's origin story had also changed again and again. Curses, mutant powers, healing factors, radiation mutations—all sorts of explanations mixed together. Now even he didn't know how he'd gained immortality.
Bottom line: he just couldn't die no matter what.
Plus, he had abilities the movie version didn't—a teleportation belt and the power to cross the fourth wall. If he wanted, he could open any door and travel to other worlds.
Bad news: no matter how his origin changed, Deadpool still looked like a severely burned ugly bastard.
The fourth-wall-breaking ability was uncontrollable. The world and location he traveled to were completely random. The only world he could reliably return to was Deadpool's original one.
Like right now—he had no idea which world he'd ended up in.
The teleportation belt was also unreliable. Sometimes it teleported him right in front of enemies. Sometimes right under their blade.
Sometimes it teleported his whole body. Sometimes just half—leaving some hands, feet, or lower body parts behind to give enemies a little Deadpool surprise.
Suddenly, Deadpool's ears twitched. Sounds in the distance. Was that... gunfire?
And screaming.
Let's check it out!
Deadpool ran toward the sound of gunshots.