Chapter 5 — The First Steps of a Scared God
The crib was a cage. Aaron, three months into his second life, had mastered the "Cat Scare Technique" and could successfully communicate his extreme displeasure with solid foods, yet he remained fundamentally immobile. He was a strategic genius trapped in a potato body.
His current goal was simple: Crawl.
His motivation: Minato had left a bowl of ramen broth cooling just out of reach on a low shelf. A cultural landmark, a delicious broth, and an undeniable temptation.
The Theory of Accelerated Movement
Minato, who believed his baby brother was on a fast track to genius-level chakra development, was watching the effort with an intense focus usually reserved for decoding enemy jutsu.
"He's analyzing the friction coefficient of the tatami mat," Minato whispered to Kushina, who was hanging laundry. "See how he pushes with his elbow, then retracts? It's a calculation of minimal effort to achieve maximum speed."
Aaron was, in fact, just trying to remember how the human crawling mechanism worked. His mind recalled a dusty YouTube video on infant milestones, but his limbs were operating on a two-second delay.
"You're overthinking it, Minato," Kushina called back.
"He just wants the toy."
"No, Kushina. He's training his Chakra Acceleration," Minato insisted. "He's preparing for his first true speed technique."
Aaron internally groaned. No, Minato. I'm preparing for my first bowl of unauthorized broth.
He strained every fiber. He visualized the ramen. He pushed. And then, something clicked.
He lurched forward, dragging his body a full six inches across the floor in a low, determined scramble.
Success! He had initiated the Combat Crawl.
The Misinterpretation: Flash Crawl
Minato gasped. He didn't see an infant finally using opposing limbs; he saw pure, controlled speed.
"He's fast!" Minato yelled, whipping out a kunai inscribed with the Hiraishin seal. "Not teleportation, but close! A low-level Flash Crawl!"
Kushina rushed in, saw Aaron successfully dragging himself toward the ramen, and cheered. "Good job, Aaron! You can almost reach the noodles!"
Minato, meanwhile, was scribbling down notes at lightning speed. "The propulsion comes from a concentrated burst of energy in the hip flexors, allowing a smooth, almost frictionless glide! We need to document the seal sequence for this 'Flash Crawl' immediately!"
Aaron had almost reached his target. Just three more inches! The broth smelled intoxicating. He felt the pure, desperate Emotional Irony of the moment: he was doing the most normal baby thing, and his brother was rewriting the laws of physics to explain it.
Suddenly, a cold shadow fell over him.
The Rivalry of the Cradle
Kakashi Hatake stood over him, once again silent, stoic, and suspiciously holding his orange book.
Kakashi looked at the discarded rattle, the determined crawl, and the target—the bowl of ramen.
"His objective is food," Kakashi announced flatly, sounding like a grizzled detective solving a simple case.
"His objective is to master The Art of Accelerated Movement," Minato corrected sternly. "Kakashi, observe how he utilizes his small body mass to conserve inertia."
Aaron ignored them both. He was an inch from the bowl. His hand reached up...
Kakashi moved.
Not with a jutsu, but with the ruthless efficiency of a bored eight-year-old. He simply nudged the bowl one inch farther away with the toe of his sandal.
Aaron stared at the ramen. Then he looked at Kakashi.
The pure, unadulterated malice of that simple act—the single inch of distance that separated him from victory—ignited a fire hotter than any Amaterasu.
Aaron opened his mouth and let out the fiercest, most intimidating noise he had ever produced. Not a Cat Scare, not a Meow-Gaa. This was a direct, primordial threat, a true Culture Clash attack.
He screamed: "REEEEEEE!"
The sound was high-pitched, loud, and reminiscent of a thousand internet trolls being simultaneously triggered.
Kakashi didn't flinch. He simply raised an eyebrow.
"It sounds," Kakashi stated, "like an angry bird."
Minato, however, was in awe. "That is the Scream of Focused Intent! A pure-sound, chakra-less distraction technique! It's so absurd, no enemy would predict it! It's an A-Rank Gag!"
Minato immediately ran off to grab a fresh scroll, desperate to record the "REEEEEE-Jutsu."
Aaron, seeing his window of opportunity close as Minato's back turned, used every bit of strength he had left. He lunged, not crawling, but pushing his feet hard against the floor.
He wobbled. He straightened. He stood on two feet for a glorious, terrifying second.
Minato turned back just in time to see his three-month-old brother stand, take one majestic, clumsy step toward the ramen, and then immediately face-plant into the tatami mat.
He had walked, but only for a failure.
Kakashi, utterly unfazed, simply moved the ramen bowl back another inch.
Aaron, nose mashed into the floor, suddenly realized a profound truth: his greatest weapon in the ninja world wasn't his meta-knowledge. It was the fact that his failures were consistently brilliant enough to be mistaken for high-level jutsu.
Truck-san knew what he was doing, Aaron thought. I'm not a genius. I'm a prank.
End of Chapter 5
Next: Chapter 6 — The Leaf Village's First Meme