They said boarding school would change me.
That I'd learn to make friends, that I'd toughen up, that I'd finally find my place.
But no one ever mentioned the silence.
The kind that crept into my chest whenever I sat alone in the dining hall. The kind that followed me into classrooms where laughter floated easily between others but never seemed to reach me.
For a long time, I thought blending into the background was safer. To keep my head down, to stay invisible.
I never thought growing up would feel this messy.
All I wanted was to survive, make good grades, stay out of trouble, and maybe find one or two friends to sit with at lunch so I didn't look like a ghost floating around the campus. I wasn't searching for love, if anything, i didn't even believe in it.
But life has a strange way of writing stories you don't expect.
It started with Bryan.
The boy with the lazy smile and the kind of confidence that made every girl in school whisper his name.
And then Sarah came along with her sharp smile, loud laughter, and a way of dragging me into her world before I even realized it. Through her, I met people who chipped away at the walls I'd built. People who confused me, challenged me, noticed me.
Then there was Jessie.
Sarah's older sister. A storm wrapped in soft eyes and sharp edges. She was everything my parents warned me about confident, unapologetic, unafraid to live loudly in a world that wanted her to shrink. She was different. And somehow, without saying a word, she made me question everything I thought I knew about myself.
I never grew up with love.
Not in my home, not in my parents' voices, not in the way they looked at each other or at me. Ours was a house full of silence, sharp words, and doors closed louder than they were ever opened. I told myself that one day, when I found love, it would feel different. Warm. Gentle. Real. Or i wouldn't.
But no one warned me about the lies.
No one told me that sometimes, the boy you give your heart to only wants what he can take, leaving you with nothing but the echo of his laughter in the halls.
And no one prepared me for her.
Jessie. The girl with sharp eyes and a careless smile that saw through every mask I wore. She wasn't the story I was meant to live. She wasn't safe, or proper, or anything close to what my parents or society would call love. But when she looked at me, I felt more myself than I ever had before.
Being around her was dangerous. Not because she hurt me, but because she made me want to stop pretending. And wanting her felt like stepping off the edge of everything I'd been taught was right.
Bryan pulled me with his charm. Jessie pulled me with her truth.
Two different worlds.
Two different versions of myself.
And I was caught in between, torn between a boy who played with my heart and a girl who awakened a part of me I wasn't ready to face.
People say the hardest battles are the ones no one sees, the quiet wars we fight inside ourselves. For me, that war was between love and desire, between right and wrong, between who I was expected to be and who I was becoming.
Some nights, I lay awake thinking of Bryan's hands, his voice, his touch. Other nights, I closed my eyes, and Jessie's laughter echoed in my chest, her stare leaving me breathless. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. Not at sixteen. Not in the walls of a school that preached rules and morality. Not to me.
But it did.
And maybe that's the thing about growing up. It doesn't wait for you to be ready. It throws you into messy friendships, forbidden feelings, heartbreak, shame, and desire until you have no choice but to face who you really are.
This is not the story of a perfect girl in a perfect romance.
This is the story of how I learned that sometimes, the heart wants what it shouldn't, and that the line between love and desire is thinner than anyone dares to admit.
It's about first kisses that taste like fire.
About friendships that feel like lifelines.
About secrets whispered in the dark.
About loving someone who was never really yours and desiring someone you were never supposed to want.