At times, I wonder if being alive is worth it. Every day, I have to see lucky people who are cared about, who are loved, who can share everything with someone. I have no one to trust, no one to share my pain with. Neither do I want to date, for I have insecurities about putting someone else in pain. I don't want to hurt anyone; I just want to escape.
Maybe when I was young, that was the reason I enjoyed being in water—I escaped from reality. I hated swimming but loved the touch of water, for I felt I was being embraced by someone. I looked at others with hate and envy, for they had everything they could wish for. I had no love, nor parents. All I had in my arsenal was the information that I was mentally disabled with ADHD and was adopted because I was unwanted. They kept giving me excuses and blamed me for everything. Any time I tried expressing myself, they shut me down. They forced me on a path I didn't want to take. I was lied to, and my brothers blamed everything on me. No one trusted me, for they thought I was a liar due to my brothers' lies.
I remember the times I was given no food, when I was locked in my room, and when they purposely starved me. When I cried, they told me to suck it up. When I pleaded for help, they pushed me to a psychologist. When I was angry due to being treated like this, they made me take medicine.
School was no better than home. I was bullied from P1, and when I fought back, I was the villain in their eyes. Time and time again, I realized no one supported me due to me being underage. My adoptive family put on different masks and played the victim. They turned everyone against me. They told the world that I was loved and that they cared, when I saw none of it.
I remember clear as day when Sarah (or Reilly) told me, "If you want to call the police then call, you'll go back to Po Lueng Kuk, and if you think this is child abuse, you got it wrong. For all I need to do is feed you and clothe you, and that's it." That was shouted at me when I voiced out my anger, when I told them my feelings. They told everyone that I was mentally unstable, that I was uncontrollable in my anger. In reality, all those outbursts were with my clear head; I remember, for it was always me trying to defend myself.
I learned to never trust anyone that day. From when I was young, I tried to keep to myself. I only smiled when I was forced to, and deep down, I was boiling in sadness and hate. I hated that the world didn't care when they weren't affected. I hated that every time I tried asking for help, I was ignored. They called me spoiled due to my family having money, when I, in fact, received nothing. Clothes were handed down, no phone, no laptop, and no toys. They refused to give me an allowance, refused to provide me with anything but necessities. When I hear others saying how fortunate I was, I really wanted to tell them I would 100% swap with them.
If you have ever had the experience of being abandoned at birth and then living a loveless childhood, then I think you have every right to judge me. But if you think just because you have no money or [have had a hard time], then leave. I know you have different sufferings and trials, but in my eyes, nothing hurts more than me being forced to live in a house where my family doesn't love me, when I wanted to cry but was told to shut up. And yet they expected me to do things that they wanted.
To be honest, I would give my life if I could just have five minutes to be truly loved and cared about. I wanted my mom and dad but felt conflicted when I heard they abandoned me. I looked at others smiling, and deep down, my thoughts were sad.
That was when I was abandoned yet again to the government. I met a doctor, and she was nice, but to this day, I still feel that I can't open myself to her. In my heart, every day is just pain; every day is just wasted. I feel like I'm living in a cycle of eat, sleep, and shit, with no colors. And now, deep in my heart, is more pain knowing that my doctor will leave me when I turn 18.
I can't turn back time, but even if I could, it's pointless. There's nothing I could do, nothing I could change, for if I went back and acted like a perfect child and sucked it all up, I would still be unhappy and sad every day. The only comfort I have in this world is reading novels because it temporarily takes me away. And at night, I lay in bed and just dream of one day leaving this world.
My one wish in this world that I truly want is a family, and in this life, I was shunned. No matter how much I feel pain, the day goes by. I plan to end myself on the day that I become 18, to symbolize becoming an adult and escaping from my past.
I love you. I don't know who, but I love you. I wish that no one will suffer like I did. I hope that when I die, I will be thrown into the sea, for I will be embraced by my one friend. I love all the music artists who kept me from crying; you gave me the strength to push through these events, and now I am nearing the finish line.
Thank you, doctor, for at least pretending to care. I now write this to read for when I feel sad, for it will give me motivation to keep going until the day of my death. On that day, I will return back to the place I came from. I love you. I really love you.