[Configuring Windows updates...]
[99% Complete]
[Do not turn off your computer]
...
All Sawada Hiroki wanted from life was to exist like a houseplant—peaceful, quiet, and completely unremarkable.
Soak up some sun, zone out, mind his own business, and quietly photosynthesize until his time was up.
This was the life philosophy a transmigrator had crafted for himself after nine years of watching that damn progress bar stay frozen at 99%, and nine years of observing just how deadly this world could be.
Damn it all! Nine whole years!
From the moment Hiroki opened his eyes and realized he'd gone from being a nearly-forty office drone to a war orphan in Konoha Village, that cursed progress bar had been floating in his mind, mocking him.
[Configuring Windows updates...]
[99% Complete]
[Do not turn off your computer]
At first, he'd been ecstatic. This had to be his golden finger! His cheat system! His ticket to survival in this nightmare world!
Then came the waiting. And waiting. And more waiting.
One day passed. A week. A month.
The bar didn't budge.
A year. Three years. Five years.
That "99%" might as well have been carved in stone, taunting him day and night: Look, you've got a superpower! Too bad it's broken. Mad about it?
Now Hiroki was nine years old, and he'd been waiting nine years. Even actual Windows updates didn't take this long! At this point, he'd completely given up hope.
This was just a bug—some defective piece of his soul that got scrambled during transmigration. A corrupted file that would never, ever load.
If he wanted to survive, he'd have to do it the old-fashioned way.
And as a nobody orphan with no fancy bloodline, no special clan name, and definitely no protagonist hair color, his best bet was simple: keep his head down and stay the hell away from trouble.
Especially the kind of trouble that walked around with "main character" practically tattooed on their foreheads.
"Hey! Sawada Hiroki! Stop spacing out in the hallway!"
The cheerful but ear-splitting shout snapped him back to reality. He didn't need to look to know who it was.
That unmistakable bright red hair, wild and vibrant as the girl herself.
Uzumaki Kushina—the village outsider, his classmate, and Public Enemy Number One on his "avoid at all costs" list.
Future Nine-Tails jinchuriki. Future Hokage's mom. Future dead woman whose death would traumatize the main character and kickstart the entire plot.
She was basically a walking disaster magnet.
"Watch where you're going, Red." Hiroki didn't even glance up, smoothly sidestepping as she barreled toward him. He used the nickname everyone else did—no point standing out by being different.
"Don't call me Red, you walking stick!" Kushina exploded, just like he knew she would. She hated when people commented on her hair or her round face.
She planted herself in front of him, hands on hips, looking like an angry kitten. "Sensei wants everyone at the back mountain for throwing practice. You're not ditching again, are you?"
"I prefer 'strategic avoidance of group activities,'" Hiroki said, pushing up glasses he didn't have in a gesture of mock wisdom. "It's essential for maintaining inner peace."
"I don't care what you call it!" Kushina grabbed his wrist with surprising strength. "If you sneak off today, I'm gonna pluck you bald!"
The warmth of her grip made him frown. This was exactly what he was trying to avoid—getting tangled up with main characters!
Their class was bad enough already, packed with war orphans and future plot-important people. Having both Uzumaki Kushina and Namikaze Minato in the same room was like sitting on a time bomb.
He tried to shake her off. No luck—Uzumaki genes were no joke, even at nine years old.
"Fine, fine. Let go. I'll walk myself."
Getting involved with Kushina was the worst possible deviation from his master plan.
As fellow war orphans, they should have been natural allies. Instead, he'd deliberately made himself forgettable while she'd become the class punching bag—outsider status plus that red hair made her an easy target.
He never joined in the bullying, but he never helped either. He was determined to be Switzerland: neutral, boring, and invisible.
But somehow, this stubborn little girl kept dragging him into her chaos anyway.
Maybe because he was the only kid who didn't look at her like she was some kind of freak. Or maybe misery just loved company. Either way, she'd made him her unofficial sidekick, and there wasn't much he could do about it.
With a resigned sigh, he let her pull him toward the academy's back mountain.
It's just throwing practice, he told himself. What could go wrong?
Famous last words, as it turned out. He'd seriously underestimated how much trouble followed main characters around.
...
Practice went exactly as expected—boring and uneventful.
Hiroki deliberately performed at the most average level possible, perfectly camouflaged among his mediocre classmates.
Kushina, trying too hard to impress, botched every throw and earned mockery from the boys.
When practice ended and dusk started falling, she ran off crying into the forest, away from the village.
"Forget about the crybaby," one classmate said.
"Yeah, let's just go home."
Everyone else left in groups. Even their supervising teacher had family obligations and headed back early after a quick safety reminder.
Hiroki stood alone, staring at the trees where Kushina had disappeared.
Every logical part of his brain was screaming: Walk away! She's a trouble magnet! Get involved and your quiet life is over!
He turned around. Took a step. Then another.
Then stopped.
He couldn't get the image out of his head—Kushina shoving bread at him during lunch, grumbling, "You're skinny as a twig—not that I care or anything!" Or the way she'd wipe her tears when she thought no one was looking, then puff up like an angry hamster the moment she spotted him.
Damn it. He was still an adult inside, even in this kid's body. And adults couldn't just walk away when children were crying alone in dangerous places.
"...This is so stupid."
Seriously, what kind of kid runs into the woods every time someone hurts her feelings?
Grumbling under his breath, he changed direction and headed into the forest.
Just think of it as watering a plant, he told himself.
The deeper he went, the dimmer it got. Soon the only sounds were his footsteps and wind rustling through leaves.
He wasn't really worried about Kushina—she was tough as nails with stamina for days. His concern was more about what kind of stupid stunt she might pull while having an emotional meltdown.
A faint whistling sound from the tree canopy made him dive sideways without thinking.
Thunk! Thunk!
Two kunai buried themselves exactly where his head had been a split second earlier.
His heart stopped. This wasn't some woodland creature—these were ninja.
Three figures dropped from the trees like shadows, surrounding him in a triangle. Their gear was unfamiliar, and their headbands bore a symbol that made his blood freeze.
Three parallel lightning bolts. Cloud Village.
"Well, well. Looks like we missed one," the leader said with lazy amusement. "Tough luck, kid."
Hiroki's mind went blank, then started racing.
Cloud ninja? Here? But that meant—
Oh God. The kidnapping attempt. They were after Kushina.
In the original timeline, Cloud Village had tried to abduct her, hoping to turn her into a jinchuriki for the Eight-Tails. Human weapons for their village.
And he'd walked right into the middle of it.
What were the odds? In a village of hundreds of thousands, how did he manage to be in exactly the wrong place at exactly the wrong time? His luck was either astronomically bad or—
"Grab him. Keep him quiet," the leader ordered.
The other two moved in.
Hiroki's entire body locked up with terror. He was nine years old, barely competent with basic academy techniques, facing three adult enemy ninja.
There was no scenario where this ended well for him.
"Stop!"
Kushina's voice, shaky and tear-stained, came from the bushes nearby.
No, no, no! If she'd seen what happened, why wasn't she running for help? Why was she—
She stepped into view, clutching a kunai with white-knuckled hands. Her face was ghost-pale, but she positioned herself between Hiroki and the Cloud ninja.
"Don't... don't hurt him!"
The lead ninja's eyes lit up with predatory glee. "Red hair... Uzumaki bloodline. Perfect. This saves us the trouble of hunting you down."
We're dead.
That was Hiroki's only coherent thought as he stared at Kushina's tiny, trembling form trying to protect him.
This was it. This was exactly why you didn't get involved with main characters. They were walking plot magnets, and now he was about to die in someone else's tragic backstory.
One ninja vanished and reappeared behind Kushina in an instant, chopping the back of her neck with surgical precision. She crumpled without a sound.
"As for the witness..." The leader's gaze turned back to Hiroki, cold as winter. "Bring him. We'll dispose of him once we're clear of the village."
Another ninja approached, kunai gleaming in the fading light.
This was it. Nine years of careful planning, nine years of keeping his head down, and he was going to die anyway.
How pathetically ironic.
The progress bar in his mind—the one that had tortured him for nine years—suddenly flickered.
[99%...]
Became...
[100%]
[Completing updates, please do not turn off your computer, this may take some time.]
Ding!
A cheerful system chime exploded in his head like a gunshot!
Reality turned deep blue. Time slowed to a crawl. The ninja's murderous grin froze mid-expression, his movements becoming sluggish as molasses.
[Hello]
[Getting things ready for you, this might take a few minutes]
A loading animation spun peacefully on his mental screen.
Hello? Hiroki wanted to scream. I'm about to DIE! A few minutes? I'll be corpse by then!
But after nine years of disappointment, this was his only shot. Whatever this thing was, he had to make it work.
[Is this the correct country/region?]
["Naruto" - Land of Fire - Hidden Leaf Village]
Yes! Yes! Please just hurry!
[Is this input method layout suitable? '(>^ω^<) Thought Input']
Fine! Whatever! Next!
[Let us connect you to the network!]
['Shinobi World Chakra Internet 1' connected]
[Please review the license agreement:]
[Last updated: (>^ω^<) Year 1, June]
An absolutely massive wall of legal text appeared, dense enough to choke a lawyer.
Are you KIDDING me right now?
He didn't even skim it. Straight to the bottom, slam that ACCEPT button like his life depended on it. Which it did.
Sell my soul to Microsoft for all I care! Just WORK!
[Let us name your device]
[Hello, Sawada Hiroki]
[Next, let us add your '(>^ω^<)' account]
Why do I need an account to not die?!
The setup process dragged on with agonizing cheerfulness. Password creation. Privacy settings. Experience customization.
Gaming? Sure! Family features? Why not! Business applications? I'm nine and about to be murdered, but absolutely!
Each screen felt like an eternity. Every option got a frantic YES as Hiroki blazed through the setup, driven by pure desperation.
[Use (>^ω^<) Hakimi 365 free trial for premium office applications]
[Free trial]
I don't need office apps! I need to not be stabbed!
Click. Next. Accept. Agree. Whatever it takes.
Finally...
[You have completed setup]
[Checking for updates]
[Almost finished, please keep your device on and plugged in]
[Almost there]
Almost there...
Hiroki held his breath, watching those final words like they contained the secrets of the universe.
Then time snapped back to normal speed.
And the ninja's fist connected with his skull.
Everything went black.