Dear Diary,
As we walked from chemistry class to economics class today, I felt trapped in the school's crowded hallways. As I tried to push through the crowd, I found myself subconsciously counting the exits. My eyes scanned the green-lit signs above the emergency exits. As soon as I passed one, my eyes were already searching for the next sign, hoping it would be nearby.
I don't know why, the behavior simply overwhelmed me. Before I knew it, my mind was in a state of complete panic as soon as I stepped into those crowded hallways. As soon as we walked into the chemistry room, I hoped it would be over, but I soon caught myself with some other old tics suddenly resurfacing. So, without realizing it, I started counting the number of classmates already in the lab, and my eyes scanned for Mr. Lee.
During chemistry class, we're working on several small lab exercises. I'm very aware of my surroundings, and Maya has already asked me a few times if I'm okay. I try to hide it a bit, telling her I'm a bit tired and therefore receiving more stimuli. But in the midst of all the lab exercises, another group fails. I see a large flame shoot up, and before I know it, Mr. Lee is already there with the fire extinguisher for the children. I reflexively recoil, and before I know it, it's over. But the weight on my chest still feels heavy.
I hear my classmates talking about it the rest of the day. Most think it was cool and awesome that the flame got so high; some even say they wish Mr. Lee had waited a little longer with the fire extinguisher. But I'm still shocked. In math class, I can't concentrate well; I see Mr. Davis's worried look, but he doesn't say anything. Even when I go to my locker later, I still have some trouble adjusting to my surroundings. Jake even tried to talk to me, but I mumbled an apology and walked outside. I would have preferred to talk to him, but I just didn't know what to do.
That evening, I'm still scrolling through the internet for "how to stop panic attacks." But I don't see anything that can help me. Before I know it, the clock reads 3:24 AM, I hear my father walking to the bathroom, and I close my laptop in frustration.
- G