My eyes opened to the same room. It wasn't a dream?
I scanned my surroundings, and everything was all too familiar: vases with the flowers that my father used to gift me, the jade tea set on the round table I once shared with my mother…am I still dreaming?
It's the childhood room I had when my parents were alive.
Wait.
I shifted my gaze down to my hands. My vision...I slowly lifted my fingers to find my eyes. I closed my lids and moved my eyes around, trying to confirm that I was feeling it correctly... But how?
Something was in my mouth. I tried to pull it out, letting it scrape through my teeth. Then, like spikes of cotton had filled my mouth, I coughed. Water... A whimper from behind me startled me into turning around.
It was just a pillow.
I moved my legs over the edge of the bed and tried to stand. Immediately, my knees buckled under my weight, forcing me to the floor, "Ah!" A strained, high-pitched yelp came from my lips, scaring me to place both hands beside my head.
Did I make that sound? My ears... are here too. I caressed the ridges, still unable to believe this was real.
My mouth opened to say 'water', but only a weak breath came out. Did I hear wrong? The knot in my throat refused to release, so I kept trying until finally, "Wa…wat…er…wa…ter." My heart skipped a beat at the sound. My voice.
I grabbed the chair in front of me to support my upper body and tried to stand again. My joints tensed with each step towards the shelf by the window. The teapot, I narrowed my focus to grab it and poured out any liquid from the spout into my mouth.
Warm tea. Jasmine. It soothed my throat.
Curiously, I opened the windows, and snow fell endlessly. I leaned my weight against the wall, staring out at the white hills, then lifted a hand into the cold. My bones immediately ached.
A creak of the door broke my trance. In came an older woman followed by two younger girls, maids it seemed. "Good morning, Miss. I have prepared a warm bath for you alre- Miss! Goodness, please stop exposing yourself to the cold. You'll get sick!" The older woman rushed toward me, a blur of white dress filled my vision before she quickly shut the windows.
"Let's warm you up," she quickly pulled me to the bed and proceeded to pull the gown and undergarment off of me. I avoided looking into her eyes and moved to the motion she desired, too weak to resist. What was the worst that can happen? The worst already came.
"Miss," her voice choked, "Master and my Lady would feel pain in the afterlife if they knew you were suffering too. Please don't get hurt, don't get sick..." She continued speaking, but my mind was focused on this voice, familiar yet locked away like a hidden box in the back of my thoughts. Hesitant, I slowly lifted my head to see.
Nanny?
Shock dominated my body, so I averted my eyes again.
Nanny Gu had been my mother's maid before Uncle sent her back to her hometown after my parents died. Why is she here? My vision grew blurry with running thoughts. What am I doing home? In my childhood room? Is this real? How did they give back my eyes, ears, my tongue, myvoice? Is she going to come in and take it away again? Do I run or wait?
I felt the tightness rise within my chest. An all too familiar feeling of constant panic. Dear God, why won't you let me die in peace already. Why play this cruel game?
"Miss?" The warmth of Nanny's arms wrapped around me. "Please don't cry anymore," her voice trembled.
I don't know what is real and what isn't anymore.
Nanny pulled me out from the hug and softly brushed her thumb across my cheeks. I could only stare at her blankly as my vision recovered from the blur of tears.
"Come, let's make you the prettiest girl for your parents." My parents? My curiosity was interrupted when she carried me into a large bath. Heat stung against my skin, but my limbs went soft, surrendering to the warmth. It felt almost too good to be real.
My arm loosely floated besides me, then to the front—my hands...they're young?
I squeezed and released my fingers in the water. Rose petals floated about here and there.
These hands were supposed to be callused, and it had wrinkled long ago from being constantly soaked in water while cleaning the commode buckets. By nighttime, I was no longer living in luxury to have hand cream, so it couldn't help but crack and bleed. Rinse and repeat for a whole year until she ordered my imprisonment.
But these hands...they're not even mine from before my labor. No, they're child-like. I looked down to my chest, and it was gone too. Did it disappear? Or had I never noticed?
Nanny and the two maids dressed me in a modest white dress, tying a fur cloak tied around my neck. They oiled my hair and combed it straight. Finally, a white hood was placed over my head.
"You're ready, Miss."
I offered no response and could only follow her instructions.
We walked out to the Main Hall where two lacquered caskets took up the space. In front of them, two offering tables stood, each bearing a nameplate.
As Nanny helped me walk to the cushion, I read the names clearly:
'Lu Feng' and 'Qi Hua'
My father and mother.
And the final puzzle piece fell into place. I was back to the moment my parents died.