A high-pitched noise pierced my ears, head throbbing against my skull. My eyelids fluttered open, revealing a blurry room.
My double vision painstakingly readjusted. It was unlit…dark, yet the moonlight filtered through.
Cold. My chest…it ached. Something crawled up my throat that was desperate to spill out. Why do I feel such sadness?
Dark room. Cold…the Cold Palace. Ruyi…Ruyi…My heart froze.
Ruyi, my son.
With the strength of sheer will, my arms gathered the fabrics close to me and pulled it around myself.
I need to get to him. I need to see him.
One foot after the other, I sped out. The floor's biting coldness numbed my feet, shooting agony up my legs, but I forced myself to keep moving.
--
Her malicious laugh echoed. "Your vile son was poisoned, quartered, and thrown for pigs to eat, bitch!"
A screeched cry tore through the room in response.
She squeezed my cheeks tightly between one hand, so hard that I began swallowing blood as skin broke against my teeth. Leaning close to my ear, her hot breath whispered, "And he was all alone."
My yearn and agony grew as I endlessly sobbed.
"You deserve this! You all deserve this! You stole my husband, you tried to take my crown away, my son's throne!"
--
A gargled cry escaped my mouth. My son. The image of his lifeless body, eyes wide as they tore him apart coursed through my mind. No, I don't believe you. Not until I see it.
The snow swirled around me, fresh and fluffy, sinking from my feet to my knees with every step. My thoughts scrambled, clashing with the images, sounds, and searing pain that coursed through me.
Bulbs of ice covered more of my vision as the blizzard grew stronger. The biting cold tore at my ears, head pounded as if it would split. My son…Mother is coming.
"Miss!"
"Miss!"
"Miss!"
A voice grew louder. Someone else was near, but it didn't matter.
Keep going. Run. Escape. Escape where?
--
"Mei mei,[1] wait! Wai—" My head was whipped over my shoulders. The entirety of my cheeks stung.
"It is Madam for you! In this household, you are nothing but a lowly concubine, and your children will be nothing more than bastards. How dare you marry my husband! He is mine!"
"I didn't, mei—" Another slap cut me off.
"Keep holding her! I will teach you this lesson until you learn, slut!" She rolled up her sleeves.
"But I really didn't—"
--
Memories splintered into jagged, relentless fragments. The sides of my head pierced with needles.
--
"Thank you for giving me a son. His name shall be Ruyi—for him to live life as he desires."
"Ruyi, it's a wonderful name. Thank you, my Lord."
--
My breaths were sharp and slow.
--
"Cut her tongue. Tear away the sweet words she once used to bewitch the Late Emperor." She turned her back, and her long, gold-embellished robe followed her before a rusted shear filled my view.
--
My hair fell forward, frosting and sticking to my face as the warmth of my body melted it, only for the cold night air to freeze it against my cheeks.
--
Rough hands held my jaw, prying it open until my teeth ached. The sour tang of rust touched my lips before the cold iron forced its way inside. A spike of panic shuddered through me as the pointed blades pressed against the root of my tongue.
The shears closed and a wet crunch tore through my skull. Pain exploded, hot and white.
--
Wetness spilled from my eyes before it too, froze on my cheeks.
--
"Take her eyes," I heard from the far corner of the prison entrance. Immediately, two guards stepped in.
My head was yanked back, hair tearing at the roots as my face was forced upward. A large shadow loomed over me, and then I saw it—the iron spoon, edges blackened from the fire, glowing faintly with orange from the heat.
I thrashed, but another rough hand pinned my shoulders. Skin began to sizzle, getting cooked as pain suffocated my face.
--
"Here, your beloved son." A thump hit against the stone floors.
I could only use my hands to feel him. My fingers trembled to find his face as I searched for the birthmark under his eyes.
A small bump—it's him! I pet his hair frantically, unable to speak comforting words. My hands moved down, searching for his chest.
But there was nothing. Only emptiness filled between my palm and the floor.
Like a string that snapped, my sanity shattered.
--
My knees gave out, forcing me to fall forward into the cotton snow. The heaviness of my limbs returned. I was limp, but the chilling sensation to my face woke me entirely.
What is going on? I thought I died already. Why was I back at the Cold Palace? Did she heal me to torture me more? Was it not enough?
"Miss!"
"Miss! Miss, what are you doing out here barely dressed!?" Concern dripped from the woman's words. The voice from earlier was near me now. Lucky, the girl had someone out looking for her, I di—my shoulders got lifted up.
"Please wear this." A furry warmth engulfed me, and I couldn't help but relish this brief luxury.
I think you have the wrong lady… No words dared to leave my mouth though.
"Hurry, let's get you home. Master will be upset if we present you ill at the funeral."
Funeral? For who?
Because she would never do that for Ruyi.
The woman pulled me to my feet, and my frozen joints ached as supported my weight. I'm tired. I don't know what's going on. Please, just let me leave me be with my son again. I don't care for anything else. But my plea went unheard.
As we reached closer, I realized this was not the Cold Palace…but my home? The Lu Manor?
The gates of my old courtyard stood open, and we were headed toward them. Why am I here?
Suddenly, I caught a glimpse of a small shoe peeking from the bush. The leaves shifted as he burrowed further into it. Oh, sweet child.
I tried to enter the gate, but my knees could only lift so far, so the lady helped pull my leg up. With her distracted, I hesitated before deciding to drop the fabrics around me onto the ground.
I pray this blanket help you stay warm instead, child.
Child. Ruyi. I still hadn't found him yet. I frantically looked around, and I struggled to grasp onto air again, but the lady pushed me down onto the bed.
"Miss, please! I understand your heartache, but you must be alive to mourn!"
She guided my head down onto the pillow and changed my wet clothes. I had no strength left to resist her. My iced eyes melted in the glow of the candles that warmed the room, and a wave of exhaustion washed over me.
I let my eyelids fall, covering my vision in darkness—a view I had once feared, but now clung to for comfort, for it was the only thing I knew to be constant.
[1] (little sister)