"One for the deceased."
"One for your ancestors."
"One to the heavens who will take care of your loved ones."
I was placed at the forefront of the ceremony. Weeping spilled from the men and women behind me as we kowtowed to my parents.
At first, I didn't believe it. It must've been the poison or hallucinations, I thought. But it's real. My body, my sight, my hearing, my voice—all restored. Everything was playing out as it had been on the day my parents died. Even pinching myself didn't wake me.
Incense filled my nose. My arms and legs hadn't fully recovered from the coldness last night, so I moved stiffly. Nevertheless, I followed the motions and prayed diligently. I hadn't yet dared to look back at the rest of the family, nor did I have the courage. I wasn't ready to face her—Lu Zhi, my cousin.
--
"You'll join your son in the underworld soon...if you can find all his pieces, that is," her laugh echoed off the stone walls.
--
The motions around me blurred into a haze as everyone offered their condolences. Why am I here?
I could only stare at the closed caskets, the food and tea on the tables, and the characters that spelled the names:
Lu. Feng.
Qi. Hua.
Uncle had forbidden the household from mentioning their names after the mourning period. He took over as head of the Lu Family, removed all of their belongings, and I became the last reminder of my parents in the house. I was never allowed to make offerings in the years that followed. An orphan in my own home, I could do nothing but obey.
All at once, many footsteps began walking out to the connecting hall and I was left alone. Someone may have said something over my ears, but I couldn't hear them. I only stared ahead.
In the two caskets lay the bodies of those who had once loved me dearly. A parental love I shared to my child.
--
"Xiao Yue[1], don't climb that tree, you'll hurt yourself!"
My father's hearty laugh cackled through the spring air.
"Don't laugh! You're encouraging her!"
"But Mother likes plum, let me pick this one for you! It looks ripe!"
I was six and climbed up higher to pick the fruit. I reached and felt the fuzz right at the tips of my finger before my body plummeted downward.
"JIA YUE!" Both of them screamed, arms outstretched toward me.
--
I mustered my strength again and walked between them.
--
"Xiao Yue, guess what Father has for you?"
"Hmm...let me think," I played coy. "Orchids!"
He clicked his tongue and tapped my head, "Mischievous child, why pretend when you know?" He revealed the white orchids he knew I loved so much.
I pulled it from his hands and refuted with a smile, "Mischievous father, why ask when you know I know?" I took a sniff, "Thank you Father! It's newly bloomed. Mother would love this with our tea tonight!"
--
I touched the cold surface of the lacquer.
--
"Mother, can I have a little sibling?"
She let out a chuckle, "I don't know, our Xiao Yue is still too naughty. If your sibling is like you, your Father and Mother will be put to our graves sooner."
I exaggerated a gasp, "No! No siblings then. Father and Mother have to stay with me forever!"
She laughed even louder, "So you'd rather have no siblings than be less naughty?" Mother placed an apple slice at my lips.
I grimaced.
She sighed and ate it instead. I stuck the tip of my tongue out, and she pinched both rounds of my cheeks with a pretty smile, "Fine, our naughty Xiao Yue shall be our one and only."
--
How am I here? Who brought me? Am I truly alive?
My head felt restricted with all the questions I have.
Father, Mother, Yue is here, I called out to them. The caskets looked smaller than I remembered, and I wondered if they had enough space in there to lie comfortably.
I started to envision a third casket, wishing I could give Ruyi a grand send off as well.
--
"Mother, when I get older, I will take you to travel all over the country and help Imperial Father!"
--
My son only had fourteen years of life. Why couldn't he get to see more of the world? He was a bright and kind child. I was mere a woman who had done no good in my life.
My throat tightened, and tears threatened to spill.
I took the teacup and poured a cup full before letting it spill across the floor.
One for Father.
One for Mother.
One for Ruyi.
Then I poured one more cup; this one was for Consort Qi.
Streaks of wetness fell down my cheeks. I kowtowed continuously, trying to make up for the years I couldn't before. I begged for forgiveness: for failing as a daughter, as a mother.
Incense broke into ashes by the hour, and my knees and back slowed alongside it.
People were behind me again.
I know they were talking, but everything remained a distant hum. My knees continued to tuck to my chest forehead pressed against my fingertips on the floor. The ground threatened to shift beneath me, but I didn't stop. I took a step to stand and repeated.
One for Father.
One for Mother.
One for Ruyi.
My ears started ringing again. Black spots appeared and vanished.
My body moved on muscle memory, and I continued to pray.
One for Father.
One for Mother.
One for Ruyi.
The black spots started to win against my vision, and my head felt light.
Everything was at a side view before total darkness, yet again.
[1] "Little" Yue - endearment term