Ding!
[Tutorial Mission Assigned!]
[Objective: Order pizza and engage delivery person in conversation for minimum 30 seconds]
[Reward: +1 Social Interaction, Tutorial Phase Unlock]
[Time Limit: 2 hours]
Kai stared at the floating text like it had just asked him to perform brain surgery. "Are you kidding me? That's your big tutorial mission? Order pizza?"
[This mission is calibrated to your current skill level.]
[Analysis indicates pizza ordering represents significant challenge for User Kai.]
"Significant—" He stopped mid-sentence because in all sincerity, the system wasn't wrong. The last time he'd ordered pizza, he'd hung up three times before actually completing the call. And that was six months ago.
"I'm not doing it," he said to his empty room, feeling ridiculous for arguing with floating text. "I've got leftover... something... in the fridge."
He opened the mini-fridge. A moldy sandwich stared back at him like a science experiment gone wrong.
[Mission refusal detected.]
[Implementing motivation protocol.]
The headache started small, like someone tapping on the inside of his skull with a pencil. Then it grew. And grew. And kept growing until it felt like his brain was trying to escape through his eye sockets.
"Ow. Ow, what the hell—" Kai pressed his palms against his temples, but the pain kept building. Sharp, insistent, impossible to ignore.
[Compliance will result in immediate relief.]
[Refusal will result in escalating discomfort.]
The pain ramped up another notch, and Kai actually whimpered. This wasn't a normal headache. This was targeted, purposeful, like someone had installed a torture device directly into his nervous system.
"This isn't real," he gasped, but even as he said it, he was reaching for his phone. "Hallucinations don't cause actual pain. Right? Right?"
[Mission failure will result in penalty. Compliance is mandatory.]
The penalty word made his headache spike so hard he saw stars. Whatever this system was, hallucination, breakdown, alien technology, it had very real control over his pain receptors.
"Fine! Fine, I'll order the damn pizza. Just make it stop."
The pain vanished instantly, like someone had flipped a switch. Kai blinked, his vision clearing, and realized he was shaking.
[Excellent choice! Mission parameters: Order pizza, maintain conversation with delivery person for 30+ seconds. Timer starts now.]
[Time Remaining: 1:59:43]
A countdown appeared in the corner of his vision, ticking down like a bomb timer.
Kai picked up his phone with trembling fingers. The number for Tony's Pizza was still in his recent calls from six months ago. He hit dial before he could lose his nerve.
"Tony's Pizza, this is Mike, what can I get you?"
"Um. Hi. I'd like to... uh..."
Come on, brain. Work. Form words. Order food like a normal human.
"Yeah? You there, man?"
"Pizza. I want pizza." The words came out in a rush. "Large pepperoni. To 247 Oak Street, apartment 2B."
"Okay, large pepperoni to Oak Street. That'll be $18.50, about thirty minutes."
"Thanks, bye—"
[Warning: Delivery conversation requirement not yet fulfilled.]
[Conversation must occur at time of delivery.]
The line was already dead. Kai stared at his phone, then at the floating text, then at the countdown timer now showing 1:27:15.
"You want me to have a thirty-second conversation with a pizza delivery guy. A stranger. At my door. Where he can see me."
[Correct! This represents significant progress for User Kai.]
"I look like I haven't showered in a week. Because I haven't showered in a week."
[Appearance optimization not required for mission completion.]
"Easy for you to say. You don't have a physical form that can be judged by other humans."
Twenty-eight minutes later, Kai was pacing his room like a caged animal. He'd changed his shirt twice, then changed back to the original because at least it didn't have mysterious stains. He'd attempted to finger-comb his hair into something resembling human grooming, with limited success.
The doorbell rang.
[Mission Phase 2 Active: Engage in 30+ second conversation]
[Timer will track conversation length. Current: 0 seconds]
Kai's palms were sweating. His heart was doing something that didn't feel medically advisable. This was just pizza delivery. People did this millions of times every day without having panic attacks.
He opened the door.
The delivery guy was maybe nineteen, with a confidence that came from actually having social skills. His name tag said "Jake," and he was holding a pizza box like it was the most normal thing in the world.
Which it was. For him.
"Large pepperoni?" Jake asked, already reaching for the receipt.
"Yeah, that's me." Kai handed over a twenty, his hand shaking slightly. The timer in his vision read 3 seconds.
Jake started to count out change, and Kai realized this was it. The conversation was basically over. He needed to say something, anything, to keep it going for another twenty-seven seconds.
"So. Um. Busy night?"
Jake looked up, surprised. Probably because pizza customers didn't usually make small talk with delivery drivers. "Not too bad. Tuesday mornings are usually pretty quiet. You ordering from us before?"
10 seconds.
"Sometimes. Not lately. I've been... busy. With work. Computer work." The lies came easier than expected. "You been working there long?"
18 seconds.
"About eight months. Saving up for college, you know? Community college first, then maybe transfer somewhere bigger." Jake pocketed his tip, but he wasn't rushing off. Actually seemed happy to chat. "You work from home?"
24 seconds.
"Yeah, freelance... programming." Another lie, but it sounded better than "professional video game hermit." "That's cool about college. What are you thinking of studying?"
32 seconds.
[Mission Complete! Social Interaction +1. Tutorial Phase Unlocked!]
"Business management, maybe. Or computer science. Seems like everything's going digital these days." Jake shifted the empty pizza bag to his other hand. "Well, enjoy your pizza, man. Have a good day."
"Thanks. You too."
Jake headed down the hallway, and Kai closed the door with the pizza box in his hands. His heart was still racing, but not from panic this time. From something that might have been... accomplishment?
[Excellent work, User Kai!]
[Mission Analysis: Conversation lasted 45 seconds, exceeded minimum requirement]
[Subject matter: Career goals, education, industry trends - sophisticated topic selection]
[Social Interaction: Level 1 achieved]
[Tutorial Phase Unlocked: Advanced missions now available]
Kai set the pizza on his desk and stared at the congratulations floating in his vision. Forty-five seconds. He'd talked to another human being for forty-five seconds, and somehow survived the experience.
More than that, Jake had seemed... normal about it. Not horrified by Kai's appearance or social awkwardness. Just a regular conversation between two people.
When was the last time Kai had felt like a regular person?
[Tutorial complete! Well done!]
[The Entertainment System is now fully operational.]
[Prepare yourself, User Kai. Your real journey begins now.]
Kai opened the pizza box. It smelled amazing, and it was still hot. Real food, delivered by a real person, paid for with real money after a real conversation that he'd actually managed not to completely screw up.
If this was a hallucination, it was the most elaborate, convincing, and bizarrely helpful one in medical history.
Which meant it probably wasn't a hallucination at all.
"Damn it."