Kai was halfway through his third slice of pizza when the system decided to ruin his life again.
Ding!
[Tutorial Phase Complete! Accessing main mission parameters...]
[Primary Objective Unlocked!]
The text appeared larger this time, bold and pulsing like it was announcing something exciting instead of what would probably be his inevitable doom.
[Primary Objective: Achieve 10,000 followers across all social media platforms within 30 days]
[Current follower count: 0]
[Time remaining: 29 days, 23 hours, 42 minutes]
Kai choked on his pizza. "Ten thousand what now?"
[Followers, User Kai! Social media engagement metrics! The foundation of modern digital influence!]
The pizza suddenly tasted like cardboard in his mouth. He set it down, staring at the cheerful floating text that had just casually destroyed any hope of returning to his nice, safe, hermit lifestyle.
"You want me to get ten thousand followers. On social media." He laughed, but it came out more like a wheeze. "Have you seen my social media accounts?"
He pulled up his Twitter profile on his computer screen. @KaiTanaka_22. Fourteen followers, all bots. His last tweet was from two years ago: "just hit level 50 in shadow wars." Zero likes, zero retweets.
His Instagram had exactly three photos: a blurry picture of his first gaming setup from 2019, a photo of ramen that looked like prison food, and an accidental selfie that was mostly his nostril.
"This is impossible," he said, scrolling through his pathetic digital presence. "I'm a twenty-two-year-old shut-in who smells like energy drinks and crushed dreams. Nobody wants to follow me. Hell, I wouldn't follow me."
[Challenge accepted! The Entertainment System specializes in transforming unlikely candidates!]
[Previous success rate: 94.7%]
"Previous candidates probably weren't living in their childhood bedroom, surviving on pizza and spite."
[Incorrect! Many users began with similar baseline metrics.]
[User profile analysis indicates significant potential for viral content creation.]
Kai stared at the text. "Viral content creation? Me? I once posted a gaming video and got three views. One of them was my mom."
[Current assessment may not reflect true capabilities with system assistance.]
[However, objective parameters are non-negotiable.]
Something about that last line made his stomach drop. "Non-negotiable how?"
[Failure to achieve primary objective within specified timeframe will result in account termination.]
Account termination.
"What exactly does account termination mean?" Kai asked, though part of him already suspected he didn't want to know the answer.
[Account termination: Permanent cessation of user existence.]
The room went very quiet. Even his computer's fan seemed to stop humming.
"User existence," Kai repeated slowly. "As in... my existence. As in, me existing."
[Correct.]
"You're threatening to kill me if I don't become internet famous in thirty days."
[The Entertainment System prefers to frame this as powerful motivation for personal growth and achievement.]
"That's literally a death threat. With a countdown timer."
He looked at the corner of his vision where the timer had taken up permanent residence: 29 days, 23 hours, 38 minutes. Ticking down like a bomb.
[User Kai, please understand that the Entertainment System is invested in your success.]
[We provide tools, guidance, and enhancement protocols to ensure objective completion.]
[Previous users have found the experience life-changing in the most positive sense.]
"Previous users." Kai's voice came out flat. "How many previous users?"
[User privacy protocols prevent specific disclosure.]
"How many of them are still alive?"
[All successful users continue to thrive in their enhanced social positions.]
"That's not what I asked."
The system didn't respond immediately, which was somehow more terrifying than any answer it could have given.
Kai stood up from his chair, pacing to his window. Outside, normal people were living normal lives. Going to work, meeting friends, existing without mysterious AI systems threatening to murder them for insufficient Instagram engagement.
"This is insane. This whole thing is completely insane." He turned back to face his room, addressing the floating text like it was a person. "I can't get ten thousand followers. I barely have ten real-life acquaintances, and half of them are NPCs from games."
[The Entertainment System has analyzed your potential extensively.]
[Your gaming expertise, authentic personality, and unique perspective position you perfectly for viral content creation.]
[Additionally, system enhancement protocols will optimize your natural abilities.]
"Enhancement protocols?"
[Charisma augmentation, confidence boosting, strategic social guidance.]
[Think of it as... leveling up your real-life character stats.]
"And if I refuse?"
[Refusal is not an available option.]
[The Entertainment System contract was finalized upon tutorial completion.]
"What contract? I never signed anything!"
[Verbal agreement confirmed when User Kai stated: 'Fine! Fine, I'll order the damn pizza.' Legal binding established under sections 4.7 through 12.3 of the User Agreement.]
"That wasn't a contract! That was me trying to stop you from giving me a brain hemorrhage!"
[Nevertheless, agreement was reached and recorded.]
[Primary objective remains: 10,000 followers, 30 days, or account termination.]
Kai slumped back into his chair, the magnitude of his situation finally sinking in. Some kind of advanced AI system had hijacked his brain, threatened him with death, and was now demanding he become a social media influencer or face "permanent cessation of existence."
"This is a nightmare," he said to his pizza, which was getting cold while his life fell apart. "I'm going to die because I can't get enough likes on TikTok."
[User Kai, the Entertainment System believes in your potential.]
[Many users initially express similar concerns.]
[However, with proper guidance and system enhancement, success is achievable.]
[Your journey begins tomorrow. Please prepare accordingly.]
"Prepare how? I don't even know where to start."
[Enjoy yourself today. Tomorrow, your transformation begins.]
[Timer continues: 29 days, 23 hours, 31 minutes.]
Kai stared at the countdown, watching his life tick away in real-time. Thirty days to become internet famous or die. Thirty days to somehow transform from a social media ghost into a viral sensation. Thirty days to do something he'd never imagined wanting to do, let alone being capable of.
He took another bite of pizza, but it tasted like nothing now. Hard to enjoy food when you're pretty sure it might be among the last thousand meals you'll ever eat.
"Ten thousand followers," he said to his empty room. "Sure. No problem. Just need to become more popular than most small towns in a month. While living with my parents and having the social skills of a particularly awkward houseplant."
The timer ticked down another minute.
[Farewell, User Kai.]
[Tomorrow, we begin building your empire.]
Kai looked around his cluttered room, the empty energy drink cans, the pile of unwashed clothes, the seven different gaming systems that represented his only meaningful achievements in life. This pathetic cave was supposed to be the launching pad for internet stardom.
Either this system was capable of literal miracles, or Kai Tanaka was about to become a very obscure cautionary tale about the dangers of ordering pizza while having a mental breakdown.
"Well," he said to nobody in particular, "at least it can't get any worse."
[Challenge accepted!]
"That wasn't a challenge, that was—"
But the system had gone quiet, leaving Kai alone with his cold pizza, his crippling anxiety, and a countdown timer that was apparently measuring the rest of his life in days instead of years.
This is fine, he thought, taking another bite of pizza. Everything is completely fine.
The timer disagreed.