Our ship departed for a new port, and I couldn't sleep. Since almost everyone was new, I went on the bridge to visit the 2nd Mate. The time was around 2 AM. When I entered the bridge, the 2nd Mate was seated in the navigation chair with his head leaned on the controls. I came closer and saw saliva from his mouth all over the switchboard. It looked like quite a feat for saliva to explore the new land of switches. Suddenly, I was surprised by the Cook and helmsman, who held each other and a bottle of wine.
The Cook threw his drunken body on me and mumbled, "Want a drink?"
I thought to myself, "Man, you are heavy." The helmsman collapsed on the floor and laughed.
I said to the Cook, "No, thanks."
The Cook mumbled, "Come on, drink. Be a man, not a wuss."
I barely held the Cook, and I managed with one hand to wiggle up the 2nd Mate. His head jumped up, and he made a long burp. He scratched his face with his arm and spattered the saliva all over his face.
I said, "2nd Mate, are you OK?"
The 2nd Mate looked at me and said with a smile, "Whoo, my friend. Ooo, need some fuel."
The 2nd Mate grabbed a bottle of wine from the Cook and took a deep sip, followed by another burp. The helmsman still laughed on the floor. The Cook leaned over the radar[1] and played with it like it was an arcade machine.
The 2nd Mate mumbled, "Bang, bang, whoosh!"
I really didn't know what to do. I thought to myself, "Should I call the new Captain or? Just my luck, to be in this situation."
The 2nd Mate waved at the window and said, "You will blink at me, huh? I will show you how to blink."
The 2nd Mate turned on a few switches and pressed a red button. For a second, I thought it was daytime. Soon, I realized that all the lights on the ship had turned on, making it look like a Christmas tree. It all went dark, then on again, and off in sync with the 2nd Mate's finger as he played with the red button. The 2nd Mate and the others laughed their asses off as the ship's lights went on and off. They even started to sing a song with the ship lights. They followed the rhythm, but they were too drunk to get on the same page. In the distance, a ship's horn echoed.
The 2nd Mate jumped from his chair and said, "Ohh yeah, really."
The 2nd Mate turned on all the searchlights on the ship and pointed them at some ship in the distance. Then he went on the bridge wing outside and showed the middle finger in front of the searchlight.
The 2nd Mate screamed, "Yeah, fuck you too, here take it, asshole."
I decided to pretend I wasn't there and hadn't seen anything. As I went to bed, a thought crossed my mind: 'If we crash, will it take a long time to drown, or will I die in my sleep?'
When I woke up in the morning, my brain whispered, 'Looks like we are alive, and the ship didn't crash.' I passed by the Cook on my way to the deck and saw him holding his head with his hands. On the deck, the new bosun, Brainless, washed the deck while, on the other side, a mechanic welded. The mechanic danced a little, as if doing an electro dance, shaking in one spot. The fuses blew, and the new Chief Officer, Lock, who preferred to be addressed as Chief Mate, ran to us.
Chief Mate shouted, "What is wrong with you, bosun! Can't you see all these electric cables!"
I checked on the mechanic, and he was OK, just a little confused.
The Mechanic said, "What happened? Where am I?"
Chief Mate said to me, "I'll take it from here, Cadet. You go keep an eye on that man that is hanging on the superstructure."
I nodded and walked further until I noticed a seaman seated on a wooden plank, hanging in the air on the superstructure. The plank was tied to the top by two ropes. While cutting some rusty sheet metal with a torch, the seaman accidentally severed one of the ropes. In the last second, he managed to grab the plank and call for help.
I shouted, "Chief! Chief Mate, come quick!"
Chief Mate ran to me and said, "Shit."
Chief Mate shouted, "Hold on!"
Chief Mate said to me, "Stay here."
Chief Mate ran away. I looked at the crew that had a hard time getting the sailor in trouble back up. Eventually, they threw another rope, and Chief Mate came down near the sailor in trouble. He reached the seaman and tied him up so the crew could lift the sailor in trouble up.
Later that day, I walked to the messroom and saw the Cook arguing with Captain Don Quixote in the hallway.
The Cook said, "I will not take this lamb; it is from WW2."
Captain Don Quixote said, "You will do as I say. I'm the Captain of this ship. If I want lamb meat, I will have it, understood!"
The Cook just walked away, all nervous, while he mumbled to his chin.
In the evening before dinner, the Cook passed by me in the hallway and whispered, "Don't eat the lamb."
I looked at the Cook, who walked back to his kitchen.
At dinner, I just picked some potatoes and salad. After one hour, 80% of the crew vomited and experienced the diarrhea of their lives.
I visited the Cook in the kitchen, and he said, "Did you see that? He can have his lamb meat now."
I asked, "What exactly happened?"
The Cook replied, "The meat was just too old. I bet not even the dog would eat it, but the Captain insisted that he always gets what he wants, so I guess he got what he wanted, right?"
The Cook laughed like crazy. The telephone rang in the kitchen, and the Cook answered, "Yes, he is here. OK."
The Cook hung up the phone and said, "The Second Mate wants to see you on the bridge."
I walked to the door, and the Cook shouted, "What lesson did you learn today!?"
I just shrugged my shoulders, and the Cook said, "Don't fuck with the Cook."
I smiled and said, "I know…or people that handle your food."
The Cook waved his big knife like an index finger and said, "You learn fast."
I left and walked to the bridge.
There was the 2nd Mate, who said, "Since almost everyone is sick, I need to step up and help us in navigational watch."
I was hyped to be able to keep a watch and navigate the ship, and I said, "Of course, Second. Show me everything."
The 2nd Mate showed me my new temporary duties on bridge watch since the ship operated on three to four crewmembers. All other crewmembers spent a week of their lives in the latrine, and they replaced food with pills. It was, after all, the Captain's will. I was so excited to be on a bridge watch. The week passed fast, and soon the crew finished their exploration of food poisoning. Things were back to normal—well, at least as normal as it can get on a ship.
Chief Mate called me down to the lower deck as he screamed over the portable VHF radio. I ran to him, and when I arrived, I saw Chief Mate looking down at bosun Brainless.
I said, "Yes, Chief Mate."
Chief Mate mumbled angrily with his jaw tightened, "Take the drill and make a hole."
I thought maybe I misunderstood and said, "Drill?"
Chief Mate took a deep breath and said with a strong voice, "Take the drill from the bosun and make a hole."
Bosun Brainless just stood there, his eyes suggesting that his brain must be on standby.
Chief Mate looked at me and shouted, "Why are you looking at the bosun? I told you to take the damn drill and make a hole."
Chief Mate snatched the drill from bosun Brainless's hands and gave it to me.
I asked, "Where do you want it?"
Chief Mate pointed out the spot, and I drilled a hole there. He nodded his head in approval. Then, Chief Mate looked at bosun Brainless and said, "You see that? That is how you drill a hole. Just go away, go away and do something useful."
Bosun Brainless said, "Aaa, Chief, I wanted to paint the walking line with footprints as you said, but I'm not sure how to do this."
Chief Mate did a facepalm and looked at bosun Brainless. He then walked to a bucket of yellow paint and stepped into it with both feet. As he walked around, his boots left yellow footprints in the shape of work boots. While Chief Mate walked, he waved his arms around and talked to himself. I think bosun Brainless was amazed by Chief Mate's antics.
Later on, as we prepared for port arrival, bosun Brainless saw me in the hallway and said, "Come with me. I need your help."
I said, "Ok, bosun." and followed bosun Brainless to the forward end of the ship.
We climbed below, and bosun Brainless said through his mustache, "We need to rearrange the ropes."
Bosun Brainless showed me a broken end of the rope and said, "We need to put this on the bottom, and when we restack the ropes on the other side, there will be a new loop."
I nodded and looked around; there were a lot of ropes to arrange and move around. I remembered from my father that the broken loop at the end of the rope must be repaired by a bosun. It requires expertise in knotting a loop from the broken end. I figured this bosun Brainless was special since he doesn't know how to do the knotting. We rearranged all the ropes and hid the broken ends on the bottom of the rope piles.
Eventually, we arrived at the port. I was with Chief Mate, who was watching the cars board the ship. Beside us, bosun Brainless was painting the ship's hull. Chief Mate glanced at him, and bosun Brainless noticed that both of us were watching him.
Bosun Brainless came to Chief Mate and said, "Uff, I'm tired. This paint is hard to stretch."
Chief Mate looked at me. He lowered his eyes and shook his head. Chief Mate walked to the big bucket of paint that bosun Brainless used.
Chief Mate grabbed his head with both hands and screamed, "What? What? What did you … Oh, my head. You idiot. What does it say in big letters on the bucket? Huh. Well?"
Bosun Brainless was out; he looked all confused, but eventually, he said, "Hmm, black paint."
Chief Mate shouted, "What? This is for covering tanks. It is dense like tar, and you can't paint over this, you idiot. You just ruined this part of the hull, not even to mention the price of this bucket. Just take this and go somewhere where I can't find you until my contract is finished."
Captain Don Quixote shouted at me from the bridge, "Jack! You are not the Third Mate, you understand? You are not the Third Mate!"
I shouted, "Yes, Captain."
I didn't get what Captain Don Quixote was shouting about. Who knows, he acted more strangely with each passing day. As I disregarded Captain Don Quixote's ramblings, I watched Chief Mate as he banged his head with his palm while looking at the painted hull. All these events with bosun Brainless reminded me of my father.
I said, "Chief Mate, can I call home from the nearby payphone?"
Chief Mate mumbled, "Just go and leave me alone."
I went to the nearby payphone and dialed father's mobile phone number. I wasn't sure if I would be able to get him because he also worked on another ship in the fleet. To my surprise, my father picked up the phone.
I said on the payphone, "Dad, it's me, Jack. I'm at some port and wanted to hear from you. I have so many stories to tell you."
I told him all about what happened with the love story of bosun Brainless and Chief Mate. My father laughed at these events.
My father said on the payphone, "I know that bosun from before. He is a cousin of the company crew manager. The man has two left arms with no logic or brain. Every time after his mayhem, they had to send a quality bosun to restore everything to proper working order."
As we talked more, I vented out another few of my colorful experiences that happened recently, and I realized I didn't ask my father anything.
I asked him on the payphone, "Dad, where are you? At some port or?"
My father replied on the payphone, "Oh, well, we were in drydock to have our engine rebuilt among other things, and guess what? The company inspector Mr. Cue showed up and told the dock that our people will rebuild the engine. Then he gave the crew orders to open the engine, clean it a little bit, and put back all the old parts. But in the papers, he wrote new engine parts and fabricated money values. After he divided the money with the people who signed the official papers, we departed. Halfway through the journey, the engine exploded, causing chaos everywhere."
I asked my father on the payphone, "What? How can they do this? Won't they get caught? Why would they do this anyway?"
My father replied on the payphone, "They do this all the time, son. They are experienced in what they do. This is not their first rodeo. They just want more and more money. The more you have, the more you want."
I asked my father on the payphone, "Was anybody hurt?"
My father calmly replied on the payphone, "No worries, everyone is fine. Well, except maybe for the Chief Engineer. When the explosion happened, he ran into his cabin and locked the door because he was partly to blame as he was paid off by Mr. Cue. The Chief Engineer never left the cabin as the mechanic was blamed for not tightening the cylinder head. One day, the mechanic came to his door and slammed a fire axe into it, screaming that he would kill him if he ever saw him again."
My father chuckled and said on the payphone, "It's always fun and games on ships, my son. It's never boring. Just like taking a roller-coaster ride with your head in a bag."
I said on the payphone, "I think I'm starting to get the picture of being a seaman. Where are you now?"
My father said on the payphone, "We are now at anchor, waiting for a scrapyard spot on the beach where this ship is finally going to meet its end. She really cut the waves like butter."
My father and I said our goodbyes. I went back to the ship, and luckily this port experience was over as we departed for our next destination.