46. "AS I STAND HERE"
I've been in the same space for way too long, I've written thousand of pages since my life took an ugly turn, when things started feeling like a highway, I could only turn to writing. As I stand here today, I been struggling with lust, I've searched for one girl in so many girls and addictions, I've even gotten used to the path of self destruction and sabotage.
I'm still trying to find myself, I'm still trying to mend a relationship between myself and faith, I'm still trying to be comfortable in my own skin, I'm still trying to learn to accept my flaws, mistakes and sins.
47. "Y?"
Why can't I get her out of my mind, why do I keep seeing her in my dreams, why do I get excited when I get communication from her, why do I still see her as the most beautiful girl I've ever laid my eyes on, why do I define her as the girl of my dreams, why does my heart, mind, body and soul want nobody else but her, why can't I move on from the past, why is she still the focal point of my mind even when she has moved on from me, why does she still have that old effect on me, why can't it just end if we are not meant to be?
Why can't I simply get along with the change, why can't I find a way forward and if she still loves me, why can't we be together, the angels in the sky know that my heart wants her, why can't my desires win because my intentions are pure, why do all these things occur in my path, all of this confusion and frustration about the same damn thing?
Why do I still love her if that's not who I'm supposed to love, why do I keep coming back to "I love her", why can't I stop feeling emotions about her, why did I have to fall so deep in love with her if she would have to leave me, why did I find this love if it would hurt me like this to feel it, why did we share moments like that if she would eventually leave me all alone with the memories, why?