Unfortunately for the semi-sluggified cultist and the billion-year plan of Glarthulor, the Fear Eater, several things were about to coincidentally go horribly wrong.
At that split second, on the planet Telerion, Grand Archmage Zulu ka Xulu was finally attempting the culmination of his life's work. In his spell chamber at the top of his wizarding tower floated a spell matrix of mind-boggling complexity. He had first postulated a multiplanar temporal resonance spell several decades ago when he had been barely a young acolyte, and it was finally time for his theory to be tested.
Every parameter was rigidly controlled within a 10 mile radius of his tower. He had consulted the greatest diviners to determine the optimum time for his test to take place, and now that the time was come, he was finally ready. The spell matrix hung in the space before his triumphant figure, a glittering complexity of glowing mana. With a flex of mental effort, he began the ritual.
Its effect was felt more than heard, in that strange way volatile mana interacts with the psychic plane. A build up of ethereal tension as energy collected until saturation was finally reached and the matrix twisted into its final form. Unfortunately for Zulu ka Xulu, who was the closest to achieving stable time travel in the known multiverse, a single iron atom had displaced a single copper atom in one of the countless arrays lining the tower itself.
Due to his otherwise perfect aseptic technique, even the quantum fluctuations were at a minimum. This had the unfortunate effect of coalescing the entire energy of the ritual onto this single aberrant iron atom. Due to the sheer energy present, on the scale of a google-boogle magijoules and the fact that the object contained all the mass of a...single atom, the stretched fabric of space time shooting back into its normal position slingshot that iron atom several billion years into the past.
Perhaps this could be considered a successful test. Unfortunately, the residual energy had exploded the solar system where Zulu ka Xulu once resided. A pig appeared in the now empty void, accompanied by a strange looking potato that looked around curiously before they both disappeared, but this wasn't important or worth mentioning.
And so our story turns to this iron atom which, through sheer chance once again, had found itself in the core of a silicon-fusing star several billion years ago. The presence of this iron atom several nanoseconds before it would have naturally formed, sped up the cascading process of the stellar supernova by an infinitesimal degree. This meant that a single neutrino released from the eastern pole of the star was released very slightly earlier, and at a different trajectory, than expected.
As a result, it narrowly avoided colliding with several helium and hydrogen atoms as it passed through multiple nebulae on its long journey. Several billion years later and at the present day, this neutrino collided with a copper atom in the wire of a rotary phone that just so happened to have been involved in an ancient ritual at the behest of Glarthulor, the Fear Eater.
As a result, the very sensitive interdimensional call was diverted from its intended recipient, to a strange signal that had appeared as though from thin air on a red planet in the same arm of the galaxy.
And so it was that Ziriothrax was interrupted from his enlightenment, and Jeffbob received a phone call for the first time in a while.
"Hello?", said Jeffbob curiously. "Who is this?"
"Hello", a robotic voice sounded out. "This is a courtesy call to inform you that your vehicle's extended warranty is about to expire. This is your final notice before we close the file. To renew or speak to a representative, please press one"
With a worried look on his brow, Jeffbob quickly punched in the number one, while Ziriothrax stared blankly, contemplating where it all went wrong. With a beep that sounded suspiciously like someone screaming out in horror as their fear was eaten by an eldritch monstrosity beyond sentient comprehension, the call cut before another voice spoke.
"Hey there - thanks for pressing 1! This is Victim Harvester with Universal Auto Coverage. Just following up about your extended warranty. I'm checking the system and it says here that you're eligible for a further extension of up to seventeen demi-cycles. I just need the make, model and year of your vehicle please?"
"Ah one second. I can't remember at the moment. I think I put my memories down and forgot where I left them."
"No worries take your time", the voice responded cheerfully. "If you can't, we'd be happy to include our Amnesiac Amnesty package for you that should cover any future temporal, spiritual, psychic or eldritch disturbances involving your vehicle as compensation?"
Jeffbob mused seriously, his horns glowing in multicolour light before his eyes flashed with inspiration and he clicked his hooves.
"No need, I just remembered. It was a cabbage aeroplane, a three-series from the Great Old War era".
The voice whistled in genuine appreciation. Or maybe screamed in existential horror. It really was hard to tell in the vacuum of space without an atmosphere to carry the sound.
"That's a real antique beauty you got there. Just to check, if you are the original owner, would you mind stating your name, species and passkey?"
Jeffbob grinned. He had no idea how he knew what an 'aeroplane' was or why saying 'Great Old War' out loud had caused rumbling and ominous thunder in a sky without an atmosphere, but he knew how to answer these questions at least.
Whatever force had conspired to trap Jeffbob in that supra-axial information lock had most likely been of incomparable might and majesty. To so thoroughly eliminate all signs of his life and existence from the universe without and from his mind within.
Yet, for one of Jeffbob's ilk, all could be eliminated except three things. Their cabbage, their name and...their race. And so Ziriothrax covered his ears as he had a bad premonition of what was to come as Jeffbob replied with pride.
"I am Jeffbob the Bobjeff, first of my name. The passkey should be "Schrodinger's Cat Yet Lives". And my race...is Trinacornagon".
Ziriothrax flinched, but nothing happened. The thunderclouds above dispersed rather anti-climactically and a lone tumblewood rolled by.
There was the clacking sound of a keyboard before the voice responded.
"Huh, that's strange. There's already a pre-existing account under your name here."
"How peculiar. What does it say?"
The voice grew quiet, as though mumbling to itself.
"This file is old, very old. What's this? Oh, I see. I understand."
He cleared his voice before continuing.
"It appears you had signed up for our trans-planar vehicular delivery system. The key to your vehicle is about to be sent over shortly. Once again, from everyone here at Universal Auto Coverage, I'd like to extend our gratitude Sir Jeffbob, Guardian of Insanitus. Alongside the key should be an envelope as per your instructions."
"No, good sir, thank you for your help. Glad to see customer service standards as high as ever - not that I remember anything about customer service standards.", Jeffbob replied politely as his mother (?) always raised him.
Abruptly static sounded and the voice garbled into something deeper and more ancient.
"With this, the vows of olde have been fulfilled, Trinacornagon. We have repaid our debts. Let us part in good faith and meet again, if it is so Willed."
Jeffbob's countenance took on a solemn look as though reminiscing. For the first time, something deep within ached with the phantom pain of memories lost. Soon enough, he forgot all about it though. At this rate, I'm starting to think this memory thing might just be his own stupidity. Oh well, whatever.
"Very well", Jeffbob replied, the words coming instinctively to his tongue. "Let the way of cabbage grow your path".
With that the line clicked to silence, and Jeffbob stared out at the horizon with the forlorn gaze of someone trying their hardest to look cool.
Ziriothrax scoffed, but internally his rusty gears were turning. Plans within plans. If there were any being that could cook up a monstrosity of a scheme to astound even a Trinacornagon, it would be him.
He laughed maniacally and rubbed his insect legs together for the fifteenth time as many microseconds.