Every time I cry, my nose gets swollen.
It is annoying. Like my body insists on leaving evidence behind. I never want to cry, but some things ignore what I want completely.
I woke up feeling exhausted. My body still remembered how late I went to sleep. Karaoke last night completely ruined my sleep schedule. I almost regretted going. Almost.
I did not have fun. Not really.
I learned things I never wanted to learn.
After I got home, I barely had the energy to change before collapsing into bed. I did not even remember falling asleep.
The first thing I noticed when I picked up my phone was a message from Ichika.
It had been sent while I was still at karaoke.
"Kenji r u bsy?"
I stared at it longer than I should have. I wondered what she wanted. I wondered if she waited for a reply. I wondered if she was upset.
I typed back.
"Uh sry about that I was in karaoke last night and fell asleep after"
She saw it almost immediately.
"Oh good morning!"
"Good morning"
I hesitated after sending that. I never liked saying good morning to people. It always felt strange. Like I was claiming the morning was good for both of us. Who decides that.
"Are you coming to school?" she asked.
"Yeah I'll come"
"Wanna walk tgr?"
I paused.
"Sure"
I actually did want to walk together. That surprised me a little. I also felt bad for not replying earlier. What if she thought I ignored her.
Is she upset?
I hope she still wants to talk to me.
I got ready quickly and left the dorm.
"Kenji!"
Ichika waved at me in the lobby. Her voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
"O-oh hi Ichika"
"What's up?"
"Super tired…"
She smiled softly. "Tired? How was last night?"
The question hit harder than it should have.
Should I tell her the truth. Should I really say it was awful. Should I talk about rumors and fear and people wishing her dead.
I cannot hurt her.
I Won't Hurt You.
"I-it was fine," I said. "I can't sing though"
"It's okay," she said cheerfully. "We should go to karaoke together sometime."
"O-oh um y-yes we should"
I realized something then. I did not stutter around her as much anymore. Somewhere along the way, I got used to her presence.
"And Kenji," she said softly.
"…What?"
"Are you alright?"
We were close to my classroom now. My heart started beating faster.
"Yeah," I said. "I'm fine. Just some marks."
I felt the bruises on my face when I said that.
"Aren't those the couple??" I heard someone whisper.
"He harassed her or something."
"Did she forgive him that easily?"
…Just shut.. up…
"Don't pay attention to them," Ichika said suddenly, cutting through the noise in my head.
"Look at me."
I turned toward her. It felt awkward.
"They don't matter," she said. "Okay?"
"…Okay."
"Good," she said. "I'll see you later."
She walked away.
"Okay…"
I entered the classroom.
For the first time that day, I really looked around.
And then I saw her.
The devil.
Misaki Ishikawa glanced at me for a brief second before looking away, leaning toward her friend. They giggled.
I looked down.
I cannot do anything about it.
"G-good morning Ayumi…"
"Good morning."
Her tone was neutral. Nothing more.
"Um… okay…" I muttered, walking toward Kudo.
"Good morning Kenji!"
"Good morning," I yawned.
"Did you know there's this costume at fifty percent off—"
"No."
"But whyyyy. We could have another sleepover."
"No."
"Hmph."
He turned his head away, arms crossed, eyes closed.
Did he just hmph me like an anime girl.
"Anyway," I said.
"Oh good morning Kenji."
I flinched.
"G-good morning…"
"Are you free after school?" Nozomi asked.
"Yeah?"
Am I free after school.
Do I have a price?
"Yes."
Wait. I already said yes.
"Okay then I'll call you after school."
"Alright."
She returned to her seat.
"WHA-" Kudo whispered.
"She feels bad about what happened," I said quietly. "She wants to make it up to me."
"Don't cheat bro."
"What."
"Class, take your seats," Ms Takahashi said cheerfully.
She is a good teacher. Too bad half of the boys in class treats her like some kind of goddess.
I do not understand that at all. She is like twenty years older than us. That is scary.
She does have a… remarkable body. I get why they act like idiots.
But where is the self respect?
What if the person you are going to love in the future hears you talk like that.
I remember hearing something on a podcast. Something about being young and doing whatever you want. Multiple girlfriends. Sleeping with countless people.
I cannot relate.
If I ever give my love, even without understanding it fully, I want it to be to someone special.
"Yamamoto."
"W what?"
"Answer the question."
I froze.
I did not hear anything.
"What was the question..?" I asked quietly.
"Kudo." She turned to Kudo now.
"Yamamoto Kenji," Kudo said confidently.
What.
"Great answer," Ms Takahashi said. "If Yamamoto was listening, he would know the question."
Laughter filled the room.
"Pfff," Kudo laughed.
Great.
Everyone hates me now.
After the lesson ended, the pain hit.
A dull pressure in my chest. A sick, twisting feeling in my stomach. Like my body knew something bad was waiting for me outside this classroom.
I stayed in my seat longer than I needed to.
My hands were cold. I did not want to stand up. I did not want to leave. I was scared of what was waiting beyond the door.
I heard voices.
They were talking about me.
"Yo, Kenji, let's go to the bathroom," Kudo said, trying to sound normal.
"Not right now," I replied without looking up.
"Oh, alright then. I'm going myself. You'd miss the anime girls waiting there!"
He laughed and hurried toward the door, bumping into a girl on the way out.
"S-s-sorry!"
"Oh, it's okay," she said shyly.
The room slowly emptied.
I forced myself to stand.
The hallway felt different today. Every step echoed too much. Eyes followed me. I could feel them even when I did not look back.
How can you spread rumors like this.
Why am I the one getting stared at.
You hate Ichika, not me.
And yet…
I felt bad for her.
She does not deserve this.
It was my fault.
I deserve this.
Just hate me instead.
I kept walking and then I saw them.
The classic trio.
Minami, Ichika, and Misa.
"Yo yo, it's our boy Kenji," Minami said, grinning.
"H-hi?" I replied.
"Hello," Misa added casually.
"Hey Kenji, what's up?" Ichika asked.
Her voice was normal. Warm. Like nothing was wrong.
"I it was a boring lesson," I said.
"Maybe you should've gone home to study instead of getting beaten u—"
Ichika covered Minami's mouth instantly.
Minami's eyes widened.
"Say sorry," Ichika told her.
"Sorrry," Minami said, muffled. "I don't really think before I talk."
"Good."
"So petty," Misa muttered.
"Whaaa! Leave me alone!"
Ichika turned back to me. "I'll talk to you later, Kenji."
They walked away.
"…Okay," I said quietly.
Another boring day.
School ended.
Homework piled up like usual. I already knew I would ask Ayumi for the answers later. Or Ichika, if she was available. I hated that I relied on people like that, but right now I did not have the energy to pretend otherwise.
I was about to head back to my dorm when my phone rang.
"Hi?"
"Kenji, I'm at the gates. Come meet me there."
"…Okay."
I really need to stop answering everything with okay.
Maybe I should say sure. Or got it. Or understood.
Okay maybe not understood. That sounds like a robot.
I walked to the gates.
Nozomi was waiting there, cheerful as ever.
"Heyaa."
"S sure," I said.
Why did I say that.
"So coffee?" she asked, smiling.
"Understood."
She blinked.
"What?"
"Nothing," I said quickly.