I was walking, left then right, left then right. I found that this made things easier. It gave me a small goal to focus on, just moving my feet. I had learned a lot of little things in the past year of this life. I had learned how to transform, how long I could go without a kill, and how to use my senses and abilities in human form. The things I could do now were impressive compared to where I started, but it still wasn't anything I wanted. Yet, I had gotten very confident in myself over the last year. Enough that I thought I might be able to try something. To see what happened and go from there. My end goal was always to go home, back to Vicky and my family. I missed them all: my twin brother, my sisters and their husbands, Mom and Dad, and all the little ones. They all thought I was dead. They had for a year. I bet they had probably made some sort of peace with it. Found a way to live on. How would they react when I came back from the dead?
My family was all I thought about; I wanted Vicky back again. I needed her. I had to see my brother and tell him that I was okay. He needed to know I was alive. I couldn't imagine the pain he must have felt; that any of them had felt.
I felt more in control than I ever thought possible, and I thought I could keep them safe from myself. The only question was if they would accept me for what I was. Would Vicky want a life with me? What would she do once she realized that I had been out there, alive for the past year?
After all, I was dead and forgotten. They never found a body, evidence, and never learned any answers. To the cops, my family, and my friends, I was just… gone. I disappeared in a bloody scene of carnage. Pulled from my backyard like I had been abducted by aliens.
Now, I was back in Dallas. I walked, hitchhiked, and hopped trains all the way to my hometown. It only took a few days to make it there. Before I knew it, I was home, skulking through my old neighborhood. I was thinking about what I was going to do.
I came in the cover of night, taking the usual precautions I had come to know over my time in St. Louis. The first thing I had to do was to make sure she still lived in the same house.
I turned the corner and saw the same familiar house perched in front of those detestable trees. The place where I was changed. I gazed through the backyard in between the house and shed, reliving the events of that fateful night.
My heart skipped a beat. The feeling of being this close to my old life, to my home, was indescribable. The black truck was parked in the driveway, just like it always was. The grass, the bushes, the tree, everything was just as I remembered. It felt safe. It felt like home. After all this time of running, killing, and hiding alone, I was finally home.
I hid in the shadows of the once-feared trees, moving around the perimeter of the house. I peered through the windows, looking and listening for movement. It was dark inside. There were no lights on. I silently climbed up to the roof to look through the bedroom windows on the second floor.
I worked my way around the house like a burglar and came to my old room. I hung down from the roof and looked through the window. I saw her. Vicky's blonde hair crept out from beneath her covers. I could hear her breathing rhythmically, in and out. Every few minutes, she would take a deeper breath, filling her lungs all the way. I watched her forever, locked in fear on the roof. I was scared to go in, scared to find out what would happen once she saw me. I was terrified for her to see what I had become. To see what that thing had made me into.
After about an hour of creeping around the window, she rolled over and revealed her face. She looked exactly as I remembered. Actually, no, she didn't. She was more beautiful than I remembered; her lips, her cheekbones, the one ear I could see. Everything about her was beautiful. I wished I could look into her eyes, witness the intense blue that I remembered. Everything was coming back, all of the emotions and feelings that I had repressed for the past year. It was all rushing back like it had never left. I wanted to be in there. I needed to hold my wife again and feel her love me back. I still wanted my family.
My thoughts were cut short by something I saw. An arm reached out from under the covers and wrapped itself around Vicky's shoulders, pulling her back to the far side. I couldn't see a face, just the arm.
"What… Vicky…" I could barely whisper as I hung from the roof.
My whole world was crumbling around me, and all of the fantasies and hopes I had were slipping away.
I felt the change. My eyes pulsed, turning the darkness to light, followed by the burning in my face and hands.
"No… no!" I growled to myself.
I was losing it. I couldn't stop, not after seeing what I saw. The monster took advantage of the holes in my focus. I could feel it clawing its way out.
I pushed off the roof, soared over the backyard, and landed near the shed. Then I took off, sprinting into the darkness between the trees.
It was light out once I had recovered. It was morning. It was a struggle, but I finally pinned the monster back in its cage. Finally, I was able to think again.
I wanted to know who the person beside her was, why they were there, and what it meant for me. I still clung to any sort of possibility of regaining my old life.
I was back outside the house, but I waited in the upper area of the tall pines behind the shed. I could see perfectly through the window, and I focused my hearing on listening to the conversations.
"What time do you want to go to the store?" Vicky asked.
"I got a few things to do on the computer, but we can go after. It shouldn't be too long," the man answered. He followed up his response with a quick kiss on her lips.
A rage was growing inside. Nobody had the right to do this, not to my wife, not to me! Who the fuck did this guy think he was?
He left for another room, and I adjusted myself in the trees to see through another window. I could only see the back of his head while he sat at the computer desk typing. What a fucking asshole. He was sitting in my old chair like he fucking owned the place. Then, he spun around, and I saw him. Ben's face appeared.
Ben Wood, my old best friend. He was the man living in my house, sleeping with my wife, living MY life. It was uncontrollable this time. In the branches of the trees, the monster ripped out. I shifted in an aggressive rage, expanding and growing. My fangs and talons ripped out like switchblades. I locked my legs in place as I turned, keeping control of at least one part of my body. The trees shook and convulsed as I went through the metamorphosis, probably drawing attention to my area.
I wouldn't do what I was aching to do. I wanted to kill him… and her. No! I wouldn't. The monster wanted to, but I wouldn't let it.
I tried to think of it as a separate entity, not the darkest parts of my own mind. It made it easier to live with. I fought off the thoughts and tried to regain control, but it was fruitless. The change had happened, and I was primed for the attack. My emotional state was too stressed.
Only one question raced through my mind. Why? Why was Vicky with someone else? It had only been a year. How had she moved on so fast? What was happening?
My thoughts raced and raced, questioning everything I was seeing. Why would these two, my best friend and my wife, do this to me?
Then, everything changed. I heard the cries of a baby. The rage washed away like it was never there. Now, only silence filled the space in my head. The baby's moans got louder and louder. Vicky came into view through one of the back windows. There in her arms was a baby girl. The solid pink onesie was the giveaway.
"Ben, can you take her for a second? I have to pee really bad," Vicky urged, handing her off to Ben.
"Yep… come here, little bug," he sang to her. He cradled her in his arms and tickled her belly.
I shrank down, back to my human form. Everything faded away: the claws, the fangs, and the rage. I was struck by what I was watching. So many questions…
I was a statue in those trees. I just watched the little baby girl. She had to be only a few months old. She was so small. I started doing the math in my head, and things weren't adding up. I figured she was at least two months old. Whose kid was this, why did Vicky have her, and again, why the fuck was Ben there. Then… two months old, plus nine months…
It didn't make any sense. Depending on how old she really was, she was conceived right around when I… when I disappeared…
No, it can't be. She can't be… mine. She had to be Ben's. This was his little girl. As soon as I thought it, I knew that couldn't be true either. The only way that would be true was if Vicky had slept with Ben right before or after I vanished… and that didn't add up. I knew Vicky and knew for a fact that she wouldn't do that. So, if I was right, then that meant she was… mine.
We had been trying, but… I didn't know… Vicky must have been pregnant from the night I was attacked, the last time we were together.
I prayed that there was some kind of explanation that I didn't know. Hopefully, this was someone else's kid. Maybe they were babysitting. Yeah, that had to be it. My mind was a flurry of chaos.
It was night again. I was stalking through the woods beside my house. I just wanted to go home. I ached for it, yearned for it. I felt so tired, mentally, from living this new life, and I just wanted to be home again. When I left St. Louis, and the shithole factory I lived in, I thought I was saying goodbye for good. I thought I was leaving the shadows, the loneliness, and the pain behind. I didn't even look back; I was so sure of my plan. I could feel the pressure of tears building in my face. I knew what was happening. My home was slipping away.
I spent all day pacing, thinking about what this meant for me. I thought I could come back now that I had control, but what I learned was that I had no control. I almost killed Vicky and Ben again when I saw them together. I couldn't stay the way I had hoped. Now, things had changed drastically. The girl, the innocent baby, was mine. I could see it in her face. She shared features with me; her blue eyes were my shade, not Vicky's. Her hair was a light brown, not blonde like her mother's. I could see it, feel it, I knew she was my daughter.
Everything changed. No matter how much I wanted to come home, I couldn't. Just being around her would put her in danger. There were still too many unanswered questions about what I was, let alone what else was out in the world. I knew that, if I were in her life, I would only cause her pain and suffering. That was the only thing I brought to people since becoming this creature. I couldn't do that to her, not even for Vicky, my family, or my old life. If I came back, they'd have to hide me, lie about me, and keep themselves safe from me. Maybe things were better the way they already were. They already had to go through the pain. If I came back, they'd only live it again. Vicky had someone now, but my family… I couldn't come back. Once they knew what happened to me and what I was… it would have been a more significant pain than they already had.
I cried as I realized that I had to leave again, for all of their sakes. The best way I could keep this little girl safe was to stay away from her. I didn't even know her name, but I felt an intense love already growing for her. I'd give everything to her, even the life I wanted back so badly. But, before I left, I had to know her name.
I waited until Vicky and Ben put her down for the night, and then for the two of them to go to bed. Then, I quietly entered the house through the upstairs office window. They really should have locked it. They had no clue what lingered in the world. I snuck through the house, avoiding the creaks I remembered in the floor. I made my way down to the guest bedroom, which was now the baby's room.
I pushed quietly through the cracked door and clenched my fists. I walked into the fresh-smelling room. It was clean, colorful, and all but silent. A mobile of stars and moons hung over the crib, which was playing music. I slowly stepped over and stopped at the crib. There, wrapped snuggly in a pink blanket, was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. My reflection in her features made my knees weak. My daughter… she was mine. Tears started to silently stream down my face. I fought the knot in my throat, struggling to maintain my crumbling wall of blocked emotions.
I hurriedly looked all around her room, searching for any kind of clues. I found a thin book, specially printed with pictures of the little girl on the cover. It said on the front, Caydee Sam Roberts... she had my name.
It was a small photo album, explicitly printed to remember the day she was born. I opened it, peeking over the top at Caydee every few seconds, and looked at the pictures. Vicky had such a big pregnant belly. She was so beautiful. Ben was in multiple photos with her, helping her in various settings. Most of them were on the day she delivered her in the hospital, and then a few on the first day home after they were released. All of my family was there that day. My brother sat with Vicky in most of the photos. I knew him, and I knew he felt connected to little Caydee. She was my child, and I knew he thought he had to keep her safe for me.
Tears started coming out faster. The knot in my throat grew more extensive, more painful. It was hard, but I remained silent.
There were little paragraphs in the back where people had written something for Caydee, for when she was older. A larger one stuck out to me.
Caydee,
You have no idea how much you are loved. So many people watched you come into this world and can't wait to see the person you will grow into. We all love you so much, sweetie. We have been through a lot, but we have so many people in our lives who are helping us through this time, and they want nothing more than to see us happy. Your Uncle Seth has been here for you since before you were ever born. Always remember that, sweetie. I know that your Daddy is looking down on you, Caydee, wishing he were here. I will always love you, little bug.
Forever and Always,
Mom
I saw everything so clearly. Ben had helped Vicky after I was gone, and couldn't leave her by herself. He made sure she would be okay, and she could keep going. He took care of her when I couldn't, and somewhere down the line, they fell in love. It wasn't their fault, they found love after loss. Once I navigated through the fog of my own accusatory thoughts, I could see that Vicky was happy. That's all I wanted. She had a life again, Ben had a life with her, and now they had little Caydee. They were a family.
I put the book down and went back to Caydee. I hovered over her crib, trying to memorize her face. I wanted to be with her forever, to be there when she needed me, to take care of her, to raise her. I reached in and grazed my hand over the top of her head. She was so fragile, so soft. Her quick, shallow breaths were adorable, so adorable it hurt to watch, only because I knew I would never see them again.
I stayed with her for as long as I could that night. I watched and grazed my hand against her little head of hair. I had been in there for almost two hours until I heard someone else start to stir down the hall in another room. It was probably time to feed her. This was it. This was goodbye.
I leaned over her crib and stuck my face down to hers. I kissed Caydee on her soft little forehead as she lay silently in her bed. I started crying again, wishing for more time. My heart ached as I knew I had to leave her. I didn't want to. I touched her little chest, feeling the rise and fall of her small lungs.
"I love you… I'm sorry…"
I went numb, cold like a soulless demon. I pushed everything down as far as I could so I could pull myself away. I climbed out of the second-story window and fell to the ground below. There was no trace of my presence left behind. I could have been a ghost.
Once I was a reasonable distance away from the house, I let it all back in. I cried, not like I did inside her room, but loudly, unrestricted. I wailed in the early morning hours of the forest. I swiped at trees with clawed hands. I punched anything solid that was in my reach. I had to get it out. The fiery rage was eating me up inside as I loathed myself for what I was.
I came back to Dallas for a second chance at my old life. I found that I had left more behind than I initially thought, and… I had to leave it all again. Vicky, Seth, my family, Ben, and most importantly, Caydee, would never know the truth. They couldn't know, not ever. If they ever found out, it would ruin what they had built together. The family after the tragedy. So, I couldn't exist. Not to them anyway. Not anymore.
I died a year earlier, and it would stay that way. The only way I knew I could protect Caydee from the monster was to stay away, forever.
I walked through the darkness, through the cold, dead trees, branches creaking and swaying from the brisk wind in the night sky. There was no home for me back in Dallas. The dark, the loneliness, and the shadows were my life... and it had to stay that way.