My birthday was around the corner.... I had bragged to all my friends about bringing my dad with me... I became so much brighter.... talking and laughing in class... talking all about my dad
They didn't believe me.... "Ha!! I'd show them" I thought
"I can't wait to see the look on their faces" " I wonder what he'd get me for my birthday"
I was so excited
Not life isn't a bed of roses
He disappeared... right before my birthday
The timing was brutal
No calls, no texts, no sign of my "dad"
That was the first crack in my heart.... I was so heartbroken
A father is to be his daughter's first love... I didn't get a chance to feel the love before it crumbled....
My very first heartbreak....
One day he was there buying me food and taking me to water parks and restaurants
Giving me so much hope that I'd have a complete family and my classmates would have nothing to mock me about now.... only to dash all my hope..
I still watched though
I believed it was a set up... "Oh probably he'd show up on my birthday as a surprise
But it never happened.... No happy birthday, no call, no balloons, no cake.... Nothing
I stayed home and cried all day
I even fell so sick but still wondered why he left
"Did he die?" " Did something happen to him?"
I never wanted to go back to school
I would die of embarrassment
"What would my classmates say?"
I went back to school a shell of myself
the mockery was too much for me to handle.... I lost so much weight
I lost my spark
I stopped playing around in school, I stopped playing with the chickens
I just walked around a shell of myself.... I felt dead.. only that I was still breathing... unfortunately.
I told myself not to cry anymore that maybe something had come up, but as time went on i realized.... no
maybe I wasn't just good enough for him to stay
That had to be it
I wasn't a good daughter
I didn't feel good enough
I wanted to prove I could be better.... but I already lost my chance
The first time I felt not good enough... I wanted his validation and it was killing me inside
I felt disappointed.... I felt unaccomplished... I felt not good enough.... a hollow feeling inside.... I didn't do enough.... all I did was hope
and for the first time I realized how fragile hope really was.