Bella once had an alter ego, one that she had called Nyx.
That was after the divorce, about a year and some months after she had just started modeling. Even though she had the looks to keep her in the industry, her confidence and her strut weren't there yet. And it showed every single time her heeled feet took a step on the carpet. Or once she was under the glare of the LED panel lights.
A golden ticket, one agent once said, too beautiful to let go even with her rather lacking confidence and catwalk.
And now, as she entered the huge lounge, she felt like that girl again.
Bursts of camera flashes and the glare of lights blurred her sight.
The mummurs were deafening as she felt heat caress her skin. Her heart pounded, her throat dry. Her legs felt like stone as she forced herself to put one foot in front of the other. To smile even though she felt the trembles build up in the muscles of her face. She felt the absence of Miles and Alice who posed as her bodyguards, the familiars in this situation, more than ever before.
Distracting herself, her eyes slid to the walls which were layered with glass and there she could see herself as the centre of attention. A shimmering blue sequin gown, a sleek up do with not a hair in sight and an effortless smile to match the whole attire.
I am beautiful.
She allowed that reassuring smile resurrect as she fell into a slow, deliberate catwalk as though this were the runaway.
She allowed that confidence to keep her going through the guests littered across the armchairs. To keep her making eye contact even though she knew the mummurs words they exchanged. To keep her moving even with the subtle glares and narrowing of eyes.
But just a single question slithered through it all, almost, halting her in the process.
And that's all there is to you, isn't it?
The thought was cold, a murmur in her head. Yet, she could only manage to keep herself from bristling in response to it. Especially in front of the people who were already judging her.
But even then, in that split moment, she forced herself to remember how she encountered Nyx, this fierce, confident, unyielding girl in a book she read. Someone she had wished she could be. A persona that she embodied on the fashion show that her very career depended on.
In that moment, she straightened. Her fast beating heart became less erratic. A burst of confidence surged through her as she covered the last few steps.
Bella was no longer in sight as she walked into the main hall, where the starry lights scattered across the marble floor and the concoction of expensive perfumes barely overshadowed the humane aroma of roses.
When she stared down from the stairwell that overlooked the hall, she tipped her head back and a knowing smile formed on her face at the increased whispers and weight of all eyes on her.
Now, Nyx had come to play.
This was going to be very fun.
Bella took slow steps down the stairwell, her hands gliding across the wooden, gold gilded railing. The sounds of her stilettos clacking against the steps echoed in the silent hall. The familiar tingles sported down her arm. The feeling she got when those led lights pampered her chocolate skin. Or when the rhythmic synchronized clacking of shoes was the only sound she could hear.
Bella shivered.
As soon as she had climbed down the last step, the mummurs began.
Someone handed her a drink to which she accepted. She didn't take a look at them.
They aren't worth your attention.
She held her shoulders high as she walked through the first sets of guests. Nameless, unimportant, unattractive.
She silenced the thoughts that were provoked at those harsh statements like she always did. But one escaped, one that stemmed from a little girl that had cried after a party. A little girl that couldn't seem to make friends at her first gala.
I don't belong here.
Her hold on Nyx faltered. The stares began to get to her. The whispers. Her hand on the stem of her glass tightened.
But she did what any celebrity would do when faced with hundreds of gazes, silently judging.
Fake it.
That was when a figure of the past walked her way. One that she wouldn't have ever expected to see, especially in a dinner that she had considered to be very low profile. Which had grossly been proved otherwise.
"Bella, darling, it's so good to see you once again." The musical lilt to her words only gave evidence to the incredible voice that she commanded. Most of the world knew her for that, an incredible singing career.
But, for Bella, all she could see when she saw her was a high school friendship gone terribly wrong.
Bella slipped into a relaxed, lazy smile though she felt her eyes narrow just a fraction.
Short gold digger.
Nova moved in for a hug but Bella stopped her with a little shake of her head.
"I see you still sound as melodious and beautiful as ever.... Pity that I can't say the same about your height. I thought you had been training to change that?"
Nova's eyes sharpened and her unfazed smile went lax, just a little. But in the end it was gone before she even knew it.
Bella took another sip, masking the smirk that held her lips. The inner little girl didn't take too kindly to it, especially knowing how insecure Nova had been about her height, but Bella nipped it in the bud.
After all, blood had to be shed. Either yours or someone else's.
There was a small pause as Nova smiled to herself, tossing her black braids over her thin shoulders.
"It's quite funny though....." She let it hang in the air.
Conversations slowly died down, the clinking of glasses and tapping of shoes reducing to a low mumble in the large room. Even, the soft, melodious music played by the orchestra was distant. A faint drip against the boom of the incoming storm.
"It's hilarious that you bring up something so insignificant, especially considering the elephant in the room." The knee length golden sequin dress she wore swayed as she walked, heels clicking against the marble.
Now, the room was silent as if all life had been sucked out of it. The only remainder was the weight of their piercing gazes, their scrunched noses and curled lips
. But she wouldn't allow herself to fall. To become a victim. They were nothing. But she, she was Bella, Nyx even. An ethereal beauty. One like no other.
The lies we tell ourselves to keep ourselves strong.
Nova finally looked at her. Her once hazel eyes had been replaced with green eye contacts. Now with a maliciousness that Nova should never have known. That both of them should never have had. But that was what this side of life could do to you. Bella held onto Nyx tighter than before.
"It is quite surprising that you are on this side of the continent. I mean, aren't you usually tagging along with your mother? You know, it isn't so bad living in someone's shadow..."
"After all, some people just can't help but suck from others." Nova pouted before fluttering her eyelashes at her.
The whispers rose because of that, a low rumble of voices.
Bella's fingers dug into her palms even though she still appeared unfazed.
Is that what they thought of her? As her mother's shadow?
"But I, you know how these things are.." Nova laughed to herself, the whispers around them declined.
"Grueling schedules, shows and festivals to attend. Autographs to sign, it's quite burdensome if you ask me. So, when Alicia-" She nodded at Alicia who was listening intently to their conversation before turning back to Bella.
"-invited me while I was on tour in the nearby cities, I jumped on the train. After all, our body isn't wood, we all need to rest sometimes. Even if not everyone understands this." Bella felt the familiar clench almost gather her fists together.
This was nothing.
The hit hadn't come yet.
Instead, she analyzed Nova who had become smoother. More subtle. Bella took another sip, well two could play at that game. Still, her heart skipped a beat.
"But, why are you here?"
Bella was about to speak but Nova cut her to it.
"Oh, wait, I know!" She clapped her hands, eyes wide as if the whole moment was utterly preposterous.
"You ran away! When I was younger, I once thought the most beautiful people were the sweetest people you could ever meet. That idea, however, lacks gravely in this world."
Indignation filled her eyes as she nodded towards me, addressing the crowd.
"She took to her heels, leaving behind all who cared about her. You'd think the ladies being sought after, would humbly take the opportunity once a good man comes knocking."
Bella gritted her teeth under her tightly pursed lips.
The fool! She didn't know half of what she was saying, Blake had always been a jerk!
"But despite knowing that a man's heart was at your mercy, you still chose yourself. Yet, you think you can just waltz in after the crime you committed? After the person you left behind?"
Blood roared in her ears. Of course, Nova still liked the idiot! It was as plain as day. It was so hard to restrain herself from throwing the glass at the short pest. The mummurs rose.
"Crime?" Bella finally scoffed after the noise died down.
"Are you trying to play ignorant?" Nova laughed, her knee length sequin dress seemed to catch onto the light of the crystal chandelier, golden stones reflecting them onto the marble floor.
"Let me spell it out to you since your favors lie more body-wise."
The statement translated to something she thought about everyday, something she hated herself so much for.
You're pretty. That's it.
But Nova wasn't done yet.
"After you took off, did it make you feel ecstatic that you finally made headlines? Did you feel good that the whole world finally recognized you for being something more than an accessory?" Nova walked closer to her.
Bella casually smoothened her dress, masking her tension.
A single statement was all it took. And Nyx would shut Nova's running mouth but Bella remained silent. Patience was key even if she felt like squirming somewhere underneath a table.
"How did you feel about leaving a man who cares about you with all his heart?"
Bella chuckled. But, the barest hint of sweat claimed her neck despite the large, well functioning, cooling system.
"You don't feel ashamed?"
Nova shrugged, her smile cruel. "Well, I shouldn't expect much. A girl without fatherly love wouldn't understand how to love a man."
That hit her.
That was a lie that her mother had spun to elicit sympathy. Little did they know, her father had never abandoned them, instead her mother had taken her from him.
She almost gave into the anger in her system. The collective regret, sadness, anxiety, insecurity that had swallowed her for the past few weeks. She almost gave into the violent thoughts that came to mind, to the buildup of pressure in her chest and the vibrations in her hand.
Instead, she inhaled.
One last push, Nyx.
One last time, Bella.
"Firstly, are you supposed to be the one lecturing me about love?" Bella smiled wider at the hypocrisy.
"Would your black heart even allow that? I mean weren't you the one who dumped all of your boyfriends because they were too needy of your attention?"
There were some gasps and laughs. Nova's lips parted but before she could catch herself, Bella cut in.
"Secondly, being beautiful in itself is a spotlight, especially since you seem to prioritize so much.... What's that phrase they commonly use?" Bella pouted her lip before tapping her chin thoughtfully.
"Many are....neglected but, few are chosen. However, there's no need to worry, darling, you aren't defined by it. There is more than one sensory perception and everyone should just stay in their lane.." Bella shrugged casually.
Nova's eyes widened and she looked embarrassed now that everyone was now staring mostly at her, probably seeing through her right now.
"And for my crime... Fleeing is a strong term to use, isn't it? I'd say taking time off is a better way to put it."
"You did say our bodies needed rest, didn't you?" Bella walked closer, relishing the glare that Nova was giving her.
Vulnerable and exposed.
How delightful.
"Lastly," Bella leaned towards her, bending so that only Nova could hear her.
"At least, I have Blake around my finger, at my mercy as you say. Now, do tell, what do you have?"
Nova's sharp intake of breath made the smile become wicked.
"And do pick on someone your own size next time. I don't fancy wasting my time with little girls." She laughed at the glare Nova turned to shoot her, anger now so evident in her mousy features.
Even though Bella knew this would probably be a very long night. At least she knew one thing, she had won this round.
As she turned to walk away though, she suddenly felt empty. Her ears rang and her fingers ached from gripping the glass for too long.
What had she actually gained?
She took a second glance at Nova. Nova was looking down, humiliated and the ridicule of everyone around her for a moment.
She inhaled sharply, a lump in her throat.
Bella had once been that.
An object of mockery.
Insignificant, miniscule, until she climbed the ladder of success.
The image in her head was so strong that she suddenly felt even more suffocated than before in this fitted dress.
She felt... trapped, stuck in habits that she wasn't able to fight because she was afraid.
Afraid to be different.
Afraid to not meet the mould.
The mask may have disguised it but she still was the insecure girl that had cried over and over again.
You either eat or be eaten.
And then, Bella heard a voice that caused her heart to skip a beat.
"Oh, Bella, I'm so glad I finally found you."
Her shoulders froze and she inhaled sharply.
And the worst thing that could have happened, just happened.