3rd of January, 11:00 pm, Kana Arima's house
Kana is standing in the middle of her room, dressed from head to toe in black. The state of her room had worsened even further. Her trash can is filled with her makeup products, which she treated with utmost care until now.
Her formerly white pillow is smeared with black mascara and red lip gloss, which she tried to apply the day before without using a mirror.
But the doubt inside her grew every time she passed over her now uneven skin, until it was just too much for her to handle, so she gave up.
The only time she has left the house in the last 7 days was to get her stitching removed, she went alone, snuck out of her house without telling anybody, and was back before anybody noticed she was gone.
But that changes tonight. She wishes she could just stay inside for eternity, but she knows that if she did that, she'd just hurt Ruby and everyone else around her even more.
It wasn't easy at all; she had to mentally prepare all day, and even then, she only decided to go once the streets had emptied.
She puts on a balaclava she still had lying around from a photoshoot and pulls the hood of her hoodie over her head, her heart racing.
She looks back at her bed one last time, a sudden feeling of longing coming over her. Then she quickly climbs out of her window so she won't change her mind.
It feels weird, sneaking around the house, the soft and wet dirt beneath her shoes feeling unfamiliar compared to the hard wooden floor of her room.
Then she finally turns the corner of her house, reaching the end of her backyard. A few meters in front of her is a lone streetlamp — Most of them are shut off in that area during the night, but a few remain active.
Kana reaches the sidewalk, the craving of just returning to her bed steadily growing inside her. Then she breathes deeply, in and out, looking left and right. All she sees are dark houses, lonely cars, and the deserted road, not a single other human soul anywhere.
She turns right and takes a single step before she halts, a cat turning the corner just a few meters in front of her, it stares at Kana like she just caught it red-handed. Both remain perfectly still, waiting for the other to make the first move.
Kana slowly moves her foot, taking a step towards the white stray. She once heard that white cats are often not accepted into the clowder. The white is apparently too alien in nature, which would make them too easy to spot; therefore, it's a danger to keep them around.
Another step, a loud hiss, and the cat runs off, leaving Kana all alone once more.
She stands still for a few more moments, sad that the cat ran away from her. Then she continues walking, accepting that the cat probably didn't mean it like that. Her thoughts return to her own life, quickly forgetting about the encounter altogether.
I can't stay inside forever, Ruby is right.
But am I really ready to face this world?
Doesn't matter if I'm ready… My fans deserve to know the truth.
…But what if that makes them hate me again?
It would make everything I worked for crumble…
She turns a corner onto a slightly brighter street as she continues walking.
Yeah, then what, Kana? You already know how it feels.
You were always fine with people hating you.
So what changed? Why do you suddenly care?
Kana suddenly stops walking as she looks to the right into a window. The inside of the house is even darker than the world around her. The only thing she can see is her own reflection, staring back at her, face obscured by the black ski mask, just another nobody.
"I know why…"
She quietly whispers to herself, the air makes her lips hurt, it is so cold that her breathing is forming small, barely visible clouds.
"Nothing changed; it hurt all along."
Suddenly, just as the words leave her mouth, she feels like her heart is being squished together, making it hard for her to breathe — finally speaking out loud what she knew deep down all along.
I'm just too dumb to finally admit it to myself.
The fact that I want to be remembered.
The fact that every hateful comment felt like a stab.
Like, why would they hate me? I'm doing my damned best here…
I also know that my best is worse than others' best, but it's still unfair.
Why do people have to be like that?
Is it fun to diminish others? Does it make them feel better about themselves?
I don't get it…
Kana looks away again, touching the mask where her scar would be as she starts walking again.
But they deserve the truth either way.
I must do it… Not for the ones that hate me, but the few that always supported me.
I will make a post explaining what happened.
But there is no way I can show my face again.
I'm sorry for disappointing you, Ruby…
5 minutes later, Kana sees 2 people coming her direction in the distance, she barely acknowledges them as she goes on.
They come closer and closer until they finally pass by her. She initially wanted to just ignore them, but something prompted her to turn around and look at them.
She can't make out many details, but one of them seems to be approximately her height, while the other one is about 20 centimeters taller; they are holding hands without a care in the world.
Her mind remains blank for a second as she starts walking again.
I wonder what's Aqua up to right now.
I haven't heard anything from him since that day.
Even Ruby didn't really mention him that much.
I didn't think he'd really listen to me this time.
But did I really mean what I said?
Did I want him to stay away from me?
She stops walking once again, standing directly beneath a bright streetlight, the beam shining directly onto her head.
Of course I don't want this…
He is my friend, and he is the person I love.
…Do I love him?
I have thought about him so little,
and he thought about me even less, it seems.
All that was on my mind was acting.
Acting, acting, acting.
I wonder what I'd do if I had to pick one.
If I had to choose, which would I go with?
The warm feeling that Aqua's presence gives me,
or the ecstatic adrenaline I get from acting?
"This is all so damn much."
Kana quietly says as she steps away from the street light again, being engulfed by shadows all over again.
Acting…
It would be acting.