Aqua doesn't know what day it is, nor the time, but it's dark outside, Miyako's house
Aqua hasn't left his room in the last 24 hours. The last time he left his room was to eat something in the middle of yesterday's night.
Ever since Kamiki died, he hasn't felt any real motivation to get up. Akane comes over from time to time, but he knows she has her own problems, problems he can't solve for her. Ruby was already cold towards him before their last conversation, but in the last few days, he hasn't seen her even once, much less spoken to her.
And then there's Kana… Aqua tries not to think about her, but thoughts of her shoot through his head every few hours anyways, usually alongside a pang of guilt and something else he can't quite define.
…
He is lying down on his bed with earbuds in his ears, but he isn't listening to any music. He is just looking up at the ceiling in silence. From an outsider's perspective, it would look like he's asleep, but his eyes are wide open.
The lights in his room are turned off, but there is a faint glimmer coming from a streetlight, shining right through his window against his wall, illuminating a poster of Ai, which Ruby had gifted him years prior. On his desk, opened right down the middle, a collection of past entrance exams for the University of Tokyo.
The only person I wasn't able to save.
If I had been stronger back then.
If my body had just been a bit bigger…
Aqua slightly raises his head to look at the poster of Ai, right below her, illuminated by the flickering light, the slogan: "Never lose hope." Aqua raises his two hands in front of his eyes, looking at them.
Her dreams, hope…
Something she never achieved.
All because these hands were too small.
They are all big now-
…Now that it doesn't matter anymore.
"You know that this is false."
Aqua isn't impressed by the sudden voices anymore, ever since he killed Kamiki, they appeared more and more frequently.
Aqua initially planned to ignore them, but he quickly realized that they only leave once he replies… Once they are satisfied.
"How can I make this stop?"
Aqua's voice is quiet, all of his former sharpness gone. Buried deep under a well-constructed web of deception by his hallucinations.
"You know what needs to be done. You already thought about this idea 6 months ago."
The voices reply in unity. They are louder than before.
"But it was impossible. No matter where I searched, I couldn't find leads."
Aqua replies without moving. He had analyzed this topic over and over again before, but he always came to the same conclusion.
"You are wrong. Go to her grave on the 7th of January at 5:00 am and you will obtain the information you crave so desperately."
With that, the voices and shadows are gone just as quickly as they appeared. Leaving Aqua all alone once more.
This is so insane.
Maybe I should really see a psychiatrist.
Maybe I could-
No, I almost forgot…
Aqua raises his head once more, looking at the poster of Ai.
She is right.
You should never lose hope.
Even if it is only a small one.
Maybe I really overlooked something…
4th of January, 2:00 am, Kana's house
Kana just returned from her stroll through Tokyo. Her mind feels a little bit clearer now, although the clouds are already threatening to return.
Ichigo Productions still hasn't publicly said anything about what happened to her. But her fans are worried regardless. She was scheduled for one last fan meet-up as a member of B-Komachi alongside Mem-Cho and Ruby two days after their concert, but this was canceled, and nobody knows why.
Speculations started to appear online when people spotted Ruby dragging Kana through Shibuya weeks prior. Ever since that day the internet has been on fire, filled with various theories.
Kana sits down on her chair and turns her PC on. She opens Twitter and logs in. She deliberately doesn't look at her notifications or her feed, fearing she could see something that would change her mind.
Instead, she presses on 'create post' and starts drafting up what she could say.
Miyako once said that if I ever get in such a kind of situation that I should just let the management handle all of it… That they are experts and know what to do… But that's total bullshit, only I know how I truly feel, and my fans deserve to know the truth, and not be lied to by some business cuck.
After sitting still for a few minutes, she decides to keep the text plain and simple.
I just hope they don't pity me; I don't need anybody's pity.
'Hey everybody. I'm sorry for not posting recently. I was attacked and injured a week ago while spending time with @RubyKawaii. I'm posting this without consent from my agency... sowwy Miyako^^. But I feel like it is the right thing to do. The doctors said I might never fully recover, so I guess this could be a goodbye.'
Kana hits *post* and shuts her PC down instantly after it finished posting. She is scared of the responses, like a teenager who just confessed to their crush via text.
So, that's that.
I just hope Miyako won't be too mad.
I hope she can understand me.
That I just wanted to tell them myself.
Kana gets up from her chair and walks to her bed. She lets herself fall onto it, the soft cussions send recoils through her body. The dirty pillows make her feel strangely comfortable, a comfort which she thinks she doesn't deserve.
I just wanted to say goodbye on my own.
Hm… Goodbye… That sounds oddly final…
Suddenly, a wave of fond memories Kana had locked away deep inside her mind came flooding back, memories of how excited she was to open her first-ever fan mail as a child.
She remembers that it was a letter by another child, telling her that Kana is their role model. She remembers how it made her feel. Like she was actually making an impact, helping people battle their own anxiety by just... having fun.
"Am I crying…?"
Kana's voice is quiet and somber. The realization is slowly creeping up deep inside her, threatning to hit her like a freight train as she touches her face.
Why am I crying…?
Isn't that exactly what I wanted?
To say goodbye on my own terms…
More memories of her past come flooding back, about the first time she was recognized in public, and the first time she saw somebody smile because of her performances.
More and more tears flow down her face; by now, she's using both of her hands, desperately trying to make it stop. Every time she feels her hands go over her healing wound, she feels a new wave of pain crash over her.
NO, I DON'T WANT THAT.
I DON'T WANT TO SAY GOODBYE.
I WANT TO STAY…
She is full-on sobbing by now, holding a pillow to her face to quiet it down.
Please heal face.
I know I don't deserve it.
But I want it
I want it so bad…
I want to be an actress.
I want the people to love me.
To see me for who I am.
Not for who I was or who I could be.
Just like Kamiki said. I don't deserve anything…
But it doesn't matter, so I should just take it.
Please… Gods in which I never believed…
Listen to me and fulfill my only wish.
Let me shine...