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"Son-of-a-bitch! You nerds!" Penny yelled furiously from next door, followed by the clatter of footsteps in the hallway. Leonard quickly took a sip of coffee to calm his nerves, but immediately realized something was wrong.
"How did Penny know it was us? Did Ron tell her?"
"Or maybe it's because of the note I left on the table yesterday with some housekeeping suggestions." Sheldon was still excitedly selecting his breakfast cereal when Penny burst through the door.
"Did you sneak into my apartment while I was sleeping last night?" Penny demanded.
Leonard quickly explained, "Yes, but we were just helping you organize your place."
"Technically, we were organizing your apartment. Your place isn't dirty," Sheldon explained seriously, completely oblivious to the fact that Penny's rage was practically setting the entire apartment on fire.
Penny was completely helpless against these two weirdos: "Give me back my spare key."
"I'm so sorry," Leonard handed over the key.
Penny roared, "Do you know how creepy this is?"
"Yes, we discussed it extensively last night." Leonard defended weakly, but it was useless.
"In my apartment, while I was sleeping..." Penny's tirade was suddenly interrupted by Sheldon.
"And you snore. I think you may have a sinus infection, but it could also be sleep apnea. You should probably see an ENT specialist."
"Well, what kind of doctor removes a foot from someone's ass?"
Penny approached Sheldon menacingly. She swore that if she hadn't been intimidated by Ron's entire suitcase of weapons and equipment, she would have wanted to shove her boot up Sheldon's weird ass!
Sheldon answered seriously, "Depending on the depth of penetration, either a proctologist or a general surgeon."
Leonard finally couldn't take it anymore and grabbed a piece of paper, wrote "SARCASM" on it, and held it up in front of Sheldon's face. Sheldon finally caught on and realized what had happened. He said "Oh" awkwardly and stood there, completely at a loss.
"Oh my God!" Penny realized for the first time that the gap between people was even greater than between humans and dogs.
At least dogs could follow human commands and respond in various ways, while some people couldn't even communicate using normal language. Maybe there was a "Sheldon User Manual" somewhere, like Ron probably had, so they could have proper conversations later. The older brother could compensate for the damage his younger brother caused with his... assets—it seemed like a pretty good deal.
Leonard quickly stepped in front of Penny, trying to salvage his image in the eyes of his dream girl.
"Maybe when you feel less... violated—well, I can't think of a better way to describe it—we can talk this over."
"Get away from me!" Penny pushed Leonard aside and stormed out.
"Well, there's another approach," Leonard said, looking completely defeated.
"Penny! Wait a minute," Sheldon called out.
"Just to clarify, are you upset that we entered your apartment while you were sleeping, or are you also upset about the organizational system we implemented?"
Penny was stunned. She finally realized that no matter how brilliant Sheldon was, he was a complete disaster when it came to social situations!
As she was leaving, she ran into Ron, who had come to watch the drama unfold.
"Keep your weird brother in check!"
Ron shrugged and greeted the eccentric scientist duo who had just been destroyed by Penny that morning: "Good morning, you two look just like the poor baby seals I used to club in Alaska. Do you need me to get you a mirror?"
"No," Leonard replied weakly, then stood up and faced Sheldon: "Now, go apologize to Penny!"
"Haha~" Sheldon chuckled as he walked past Leonard and continued making his cereal.
"What are you laughing at?"
Sheldon asked back, "Isn't that sarcasm?"
"No!" Even Leonard, who's usually a nice guy, was getting irritated, and Ron couldn't help but stir the pot.
"Leonard, believe me, I'm definitely not covering for my brother, but do you really think it would be wise to let Sheldon apologize to Penny?"
"Why not? He's obviously the one who caused this mess!"
Ron didn't answer Leonard's question, but turned to Sheldon who was watching the show: "My brilliant idiot brother, if you go apologize to Penny, what exactly are you planning to say?"
"Why should I, a person with two PhDs and a master's degree, apologize to Penny?" Seeing Leonard's angry glare, Sheldon helplessly raised his hands in surrender.
"I would say, 'I'm very sorry about last night's incident, it's entirely my fault and Leonard had nothing to do with it. I hope this won't affect your opinion of Leonard—he's not only a very good person, but I've heard he's also a very considerate lover with surprisingly impressive... proportions... that don't match his diminutive stature...'"
"Hahaha..." Witnessing this scene firsthand, Ron laughed until tears streamed down his face: "Leonard, how do you think that apology would go over? Think it might help you win the girl?"
Leonard clutched his head in agony and collapsed onto the sofa: "I should never have gone along with Sheldon to clean that apartment yesterday. I should have used your seal-clubbing bat to knock Sheldon unconscious and drag him back home."
Ron sat down next to Leonard, casually snatched Sheldon's freshly prepared cereal, and drained the bowl while offering comfort: "Buddy, I think you should start by setting simpler goals for yourself.
Like in that World of Warcraft game you play—you start by fighting low-level creatures, and once you level up and get better equipment, then you take on the high-level elite monsters."
"Ron, I didn't know you played World of Warcraft!" Sheldon's eyes lit up. For the first time, he realized he shared a common interest with his brother who had always bullied him.
Ron shrugged noncommittally.
That was a lifetime ago. Back in college, Ron had scraped together his living expenses, spending them on internet café fees and WoW subscription cards, wasting countless hours saving a fictional Azeroth. Thinking about it now made him a bit nostalgic.
But then he thought, with The Burning Crusade expansion coming out soon, maybe he could relive those good old days with the four scientists?
Leonard's muffled voice came from behind his hands covering his face. "What should I do, Ron?"
"Maybe you could start by writing an apology letter to Penny and asking her out. If you're not planning to level up by grinding some mobs first, wait until this afternoon because she's probably taking a nap right now."
After all, it was his brother who had caused the trouble, and it wouldn't be right for him to mess up Leonard's love life. Ron began offering Leonard advice.
"Me? Ask Penny out?" Leonard's eyes widened.
"Yes, and keep practicing that look in the mirror. Remember that expression. Trust me, Penny will be enchanted." Ron pulled a key from his pocket. "And if you need it, as compensation for dealing with this troublemaker, you can borrow my new car. It should be better than your family sedan."
He'd grabbed the keys from the mailbox when Penny had been confronting the two scientists. The car was parked in the apartment building's garage, and he hadn't even had time to check it out yet. Along with the keys came a cashier's check for the exact amount listed on the accompanying tax form.
The taxpayer's name was Miguel Santos, the de facto leader of the Latino gang in East LA.
When Leonard saw the key, he suddenly perked up, pointed at the Autobot logo on the keychain and asked excitedly: "Is this Bumblebee from Transformers?! We just saw that movie recently, and it's still in theaters!"
"I only know it might be a yellow Camaro. Maybe you can drive it and take Penny to see a movie. How about Transformers? I think you'll be the center of attention at the entire theater."
Sheldon also rushed over to Leonard and snatched the key, holding it up to the light to examine it carefully: "Oh my God, this really is Bumblebee's key from Transformers! Ron, you have to let me drive this car to the comic book store, and I want to take it to work too!"
"No way, this is dating equipment Ron lent me. I want to drive it on my date with Penny!"
"I declare this to be Cooper family property, and its usage should be prioritized by Cooper family members. What do you say, Ron?"
Ron shrugged nonchalantly, but his mind was racing. It seemed Mr. Santos, this Latino gang leader, was quite an interesting character. He had someone deliver the outstanding taxes early in the morning and compensated them with a collectible and priceless new car. It appeared to be a gesture of surrender,
but in reality, it was also sending a message: I know not only where you live, but even your family's preferences.
The implication of this threat was crystal clear.
However, judging by their approach, they probably didn't want to escalate things. They were concerned not only about the IRS's reputation for ruthless enforcement, but also about Ron's single-handed combat prowess in taking down their entire operation.
Ron's eyes narrowed, a dangerous glint flashing in them. He hated being threatened through his family. It seemed he needed to send this Santos, and the FBI behind him, another warning.
Meanwhile, the two nerds' argument finally ended with Leonard agreeing to take Sheldon to the comic book store in the morning and then use the car for his date with Penny in the evening.
(End of Chapter)
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