"Is this yours?"
The sentence can be regarded as an inquiry on the surface level, but only I could understand the malice hidden in between.
I paused in front of the occupied stall, slightly panicking.
My mind went through all the events that occurred this morning till this moment.
I woke up early as usual after studying for half of the night.
I didn't want to cross paths with my roommates, but it seemed they were more pissed than usual.
It seems the friend responsible for buying makeup for them—also known as the pushover in the group—was sick.
Apparently, she was in the clinic, and this occurred after I was forced to wash her clothes.
Though she was known as the pushover in the group, to me she was the person who loved to bully me the most.
My other roommates were more casual, like rude remarks or insults about everything I do.
But the sick one would drag my hair and beat me up whenever the others sent her on an errand.
To put it simply; I was the perfect punching bag to take her frustration out on.
I guess my pleading and begging satisfied her.
Or maybe it's the fact that I didn't even dare look her in the eyes.
Pathetic of me, but what can I do.
This is just the kind of person I am.
Has I really want to leave this world.
He he.
I can help you with that.
Anyway, they were rough for once and I was slapped around for a bit.
I remember hitting my bed after quite a heavy hand.
I might have revealed my hiding place then.
I looked through the rest of the day after that, but the only thing that stuck out was the time I went to the clinic.
There were a lot of people there and I'm nervous around large crowds, so I abandoned the idea of taking ice from the nurse.
The students in the clinic seemed to have black spots on their bodies, while there were some others who didn't.
Those people who didn't were convulsing with foam in their mouths.
Actually, they looked much scarier than those with black spots, because at least the latter were peaceful in their sleep.
After the clinic I came to the girls' bathroom to hide and wait for the swelling to reduce.
Then I noticed that the person in the stall hadn't moved for a long time.
"Not answering." The female voice belonging to the other person brought my attention back.
"Ah… yes, it's mine," I said, hesitant.
"You must have taken that much time to say something is yours.
You're getting bold, Onee-san." She dangled the hairpin in front of me.
I flinched as she used the term "older sister" at the end.
That means she was getting angry.
The events of this morning must have put me on edge.
Especially since there were a lot more that went to the direction of the clinic after I left.
"No… no, I just need that hairpin," I said back.
"You need the hairpin." She emphasized the word need to the point that I thought she would burst out laughing.
I flinched because I was sure of it now—that she wouldn't give me the hairpin.
But I still wanted to try, even though I knew the result would be futile.
But that hairpin is very important to me.
"It's just that the hairpin is old and rusty.
It doesn't suit someone as beautiful as you.
That's why it's more appropriate for someone like me," I said, trying to convince her.
"But it doesn't matter if it doesn't suit me, because I want it," she said, smiling at me.
"Unless you want to keep it all for yourself and be selfish.
You don't want to be selfish now, do you, sister?"
Selfish… is it really selfish of me to want something that's mine?
Isn't that just ridiculous?
I said all this in my heart, but my mouth said something else.
"I'm sorry," I apologized sincerely.
Yes, even though I know otherwise.
But does that really matter?
What I know or feel?
The answer is not at all.
It doesn't actually matter.
So it's better to bow my head more earnestly.
Because I don't have the capability to convince myself to do anything.
Pathetic.
I can send all these feelings away so that you would no longer be pathetic.
After all, feelings pass away in death.
"So stubborn," she said.
"I can work more jobs and pay for more expensive alcohol," I said. But honestly, I don't think it's humanly possible to work more than I do.
And I can't work in clubs due to the harassment that usually occurs.
"No need, I can easily get that at my regular clubs," she said that.
But I remember her forcing me to work at a club so that she could get in.
Was that all a lie to make me suffer?
Now that I know that, can I be angry?
"I'm sorry." My mouth apologized once again, as if telling me the answer to that question.
Honestly, those were one of the days I was desperate for an escape.
He he.
I can help you escape.
"You should be apologizing to Mom and Dad instead.
Don't you know that they would be disappointed in you?"
I thought—for what reason should they be disappointed?
I've already removed myself from their lives on the premise that they don't abandon me.
I've already disappointed them with my disease, so what else could I possibly disappoint them with?
Honestly, what else do you want me to do?
"I'm sorry," I apologized with my head down.
There was reasonable progress in our interaction, because they managed to look me in the eyes for a minute.
One full minute and not as an expression.
"Maybe it's your work that's getting to you," she said, all sad and remorseful for me.
She was being sarcastic, and we both understood that.
"Not at all," I said. But my body still aches from the labor.
I still get nosebleeds when I study and I'm addicted to energy drinks.
All these little things tell me that yes, my work has passed the stage of just getting to me.
But I can't say that.
I would just be told that I was whining.
I mean, my parents also work hard too, but they don't whine.
My parents that are adults, while I'm a child.
Sometimes I wish I was the one who was under the rubble instead of my grandma when we still lived in Japan.
When Japan still existed.
Now it's just the nobles and the elites.
The rest of the land is decimated rubble that the government can't be bothered to clear.
And the new living area is half controlled by the government and the other half by the nobles.
One of the pillars of said nobles are the Mori family, which are my parents and my sister.
They discovered an ore that provides a high amount of energy for various purposes.
All of us moved to a suitable place and we managed our small community.
I wish I could go back and sit under the peony garden while my parents had a picnic.
But life changes, and so do people.
"You're right, just treat it as a joke," I said with an awkward smile.
"My Onee-san has quite the bad taste in jokes," she said.
It seems like she wasn't satisfied, so I looked around the bathroom on how to appease her.
My eyes settled on the bucket of mop water behind me.
I wasted no time and brought it over to my former position.
I passed by the occupied stall and heard muffled sounds from the toilet that were mixed in with the water sloshing in the bucket as I brought it close.
I ignored it and poured the dirty water all over my uniform.
"Don't you think this joke is funnier?" I said.
"You're right." My sister said while taking photos of me.
It seemed like she was no longer angry and began to operate her phone while laughing at the picture she just took.
I timidly walked to the sink and heard someone slip outside.
I realized there was a lot of water and the bathroom was flooded.
At least my sister won't stay here for long, I thought.
But now I have to worry about how to make my blazer uniform dry.
I have an important class that I go for on behalf of my sister.
In fact, I go for most of her classes and write her exams instead.
As a pillar of the nobles, the Mori family only welcomed excellence.
That's why a monster like me is not accepted.
I looked at my transparent skin that displayed all my blood vessels at the surface.
Vessels that throbbed due to normal bodily function.
My hair that resembled straw and had to be partially dyed black so that it could be one color.
This also included my bangs that covered most of my face.
Honestly, the figure in the mirror was creepy and depressing.
So I really can't blame my parents.
Even I think I'm disgraceful.
I stared some more and realized that the door to the occupied stall was being opened from the inside.
I turned around to see the student lunge at my sister.
My sister was somewhat athletic due to training from the family.
A daughter of the Mori family also had to keep in shape.
She dodged the student and rolled to my side.
While I stared in disbelief and shock.
"I don't know who you are, but you better stop this now," my sister said.
Well, she had always been more arrogant than others, but arrogance and bravery can go hand in hand.
Just like now.
The student growled at her in response.
"Distract her," my sister told me.
I looked at her in fear.
I couldn't even move at this point and I stood there trembling.
My sister saw that I wouldn't budge, so she "kindly" helped me forward by pushing me to the student.
The student bit into my shoulder while my sister ran out the door.
I screamed and cried for her to save me, but she didn't even look back once.
The last thing I saw was the hairpin that had fallen to the ground.
Soon my voice was replaced with the sound of me choking out blood.
I was crying due to the pain.
Then, when my senses were gone, I smiled as I felt myself slip away.
At the end of the day, I was still so…
He he.
Ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
It's all coming to a close.