"And what the hell is going on here?" an irritated, painfully familiar voice came from above. A bright, almost blinding light hit my eyes, and Lucifer himself, in his full demonic form, began to slowly descend, for some reason fixing his annoyed gaze specifically on me! Hey!
"Speak of the devil…" I drawled, barely suppressing a satisfied smirk. But only one thought, one that gave me no peace, was spinning in my head: that asshole showed up in the same fucking hat he always wears! What the hell?! "Oh, I said that out loud, didn't I?" I smiled awkwardly and scratched the back of my head.
"Ahem, Lucifer?" Satan finally joined the conversation, looking at the Lord of Hell with visible surprise, and apparently still trying to figure out if he was an illusion or not.
"The one and only. But now is not the most opportune moment for a friendly chat," Lucifer hissed, turning for a moment to the judge of Hell. "So, what the fuck is going on here? What the hell, Adam?"
"Why is it always Adam?" I protested, while quickly wrapping up the fallen cherubs. These guys, as it turned out, were quite dangerous and had already tried to slip away from me three times. And I still had a bunch of unforgettable hours to spend with them, mu-ha-ha-ha-ha! "I had nothing to do with it, actually. Just passing by."
"He burst into the hall, attacked everyone present, said that you were the one who invited him here, and then revealed that we have fucking cherubs working in our police force…" Satan ratted me out completely… Traitor!
"Hey, I was just apprehending these three. The fact that my power accidentally affected all of you is just a coincidence. I overdid it a little, it happens, right?"
"Alright, fuck! Now, explain to me, in order, what the hell are cherubs doing here?! And why the fuck couldn't you wait for me?!" Lucifer wearily rubbed the bridge of his nose.
"So, it all started when I arrived here…"
For the next hour, a certain large, scaly lizard and I desperately tried to defend ourselves before the Fallen Seraphim, and at some point, it all turned into a playful, almost friendly banter. Neither I nor Satan himself were at all afraid of Lucifer, but from the outside, I'm sure it all looked as if two naughty little boys were making excuses to their strict daddy for a broken vase.
Judging by the faces of everyone present, their brains were tying themselves in knots, so, literally after a couple of minutes, almost all the representatives of the Goetia family left us, not counting, of course, the Deadly Sins and Paimon. Mammon, Queen Bee, and Leviathan also made a move to get the hell out of there, but at that point, I told them about the importance of their presence, and Lucifer, deciding to play along with me, politely asked them to stay. Belphegor, by the way, continued to sleep through the whole thing, paying absolutely no attention to what was happening. Damn…
The result of all this… circus? Farce? Fucking mess? In short, the result of it all was a heartily laughing duck-lover and a noticeably calmer atmosphere. Which, apparently, was what the Lord of Hell was aiming for; otherwise, why would he push us towards such a jocular form of dialogue? One should not forget WHO he really is. I've been getting a bit too relaxed lately, already falling for such primitive manipulations…
"Ahem-ahem…" a tactful cough came from behind. It was Stolas.
"Stolas?" Yes, I had definitely relaxed. Big time! Not noticing Stolas, who wasn't hiding in any way but had just been standing silently behind me this whole time… Yeah, this is unacceptable. I need to be much more attentive. Also, I could finally try out my new sensory ability…
So what? Yes, it didn't really exist in this damn universe. God, it seems, just didn't add such a useful feature to this world, but that's why I'm the most badass guy in the world—to bypass all such minor limitations.
My sensory ability worked on the principle of active feedback—almost like echolocation in bats, but instead of sound, it used energy. In my case, Light in Heaven, and Darkness in Hell. It was just less costly that way. The sensor emitted a thin, almost imperceptible "pulse" of power—it could be in the form of tentacles or a simple wave, it all depended on the purpose and the desired cost, including mental effort. This energy, upon contact with various objects or beings, underwent certain changes: it was reflected, absorbed, distorted, resonated. And all this was immediately returned to its source.
The interpretation was what mattered next: right now, I could only determine which energy my field had touched (Light or Darkness), and also understand the total number of living objects. But with experience, I was sure I would be able to capture not only "is there something there or not," but also the shape, size, density, emotional background, and even the unique "magical signature" of the object. For now, I could only detect the most fragmented, simple signals—the feeling of "obstacle ahead" or "living being." The finer the tuning of my senses, the more details I could distinguish, but this, of course, came at a price—the energy costs grew significantly (though, am I one to complain about that?), and strong energy sources could "wash out" the entire background so that all the small details would simply disappear.
In short, this thing was still super raw, but it was already something… They're going to give me such a bonus for this development later…
"Um, yes… I was supposed to be executed, wasn't I?" the owl answered me and immediately shifted his gaze to the judge, casting admiring, almost fanatical glances at Lucifer… And what exactly is there to admire? Unlike me… Okay, I can stop joking now. In fact, now was the perfect time for… many of my plans…
"Executed?" the Fallen Seraphim perked up, his face becoming serious again. "Satan, what the hell?" (He's been using that phrase a lot lately, the poor guy…) "What are you all doing here while I'm on vacation?"
"Executed?" Satan shifted his surprised gaze from Lucifer to Stolas, and back. "We weren't going to execute anyone! I mean, we were, of course, but not him, but that imp we let go a long time ago!"
"You weren't?" A genuine surprise was heard in the owl's voice. "So, I… I can go?" He pointed to the door behind him.
"No, execution is, of course, going too far. But you still need to be punished…" Satan mused.
"Maybe mandatory visits to a therapist?" I suggested, thinking about it for a second myself.
In the canon, Stolas was an extremely… peculiar personality: first, he was forced to marry a woman who craved power, but instead of immediately showing who was the head of their family, Stolas was always subservient to her, which earned him nothing but contempt from the demoness, and then he went and slept with some imp… while being married to a despotic, powerful aristocrat who didn't even consider imps to be sentient…
In short, Stella would probably have tolerated it if he had cheated on her with some other member of the Goetia family, but such a public slap in the face she could not endure. And because of that, she hired some fucking assassin, supplied him with an angelic weapon in the form of a sniper rifle, and set him on her own husband… Considering that we had long since returned all the angelic steel to Heaven, it's obvious that the idiot wouldn't have stood a chance. And now, as far as I understand, this was one of Stella's many attempts to get revenge on her hubby, even if it was through the court… to be honest, I remember the second season very poorly, at the time of its release I was already… busy with other things.
Stolas, Stolas, why the hell? He had just made this sacrifice, thinking he would be executed, thereby simply abandoning his own daughter, whom he had not so long ago sworn he would never leave. And after that, he was supposed to be stripped of all his powers, status, and all that, for a hundred years, and only after some time would he, perhaps, realize what he had done, and maybe even regret it… No, I don't really give a damn, he's a grown man, it's his own fault. But a certain very sweet girl would definitely be upset by this, which I was not going to allow, so I was simply obligated to do something about this owl. A therapist will definitely help him… I hope. I've already said that I don't understand the minds of such strange entities at all, so, let's pawn it all off on a professional. At the same time, we'll save him from any stupid punishments…
"A therapist?" almost everyone present asked in surprise. Except that Belphegor was still sleeping, Asmodeus was silently looking at me with unconcealed shock, and Paimon, who had been pretending he wasn't here this whole time, started laughing silently but heartily. Ha, what a cunning bird.
"Well, why not? Let him figure himself out. Why take away all his duties with some kind of imprisonment, for example? Let him continue to work for the good of Hell. At the same time, he won't cause any more problems, everyone's happy, and the punishment is quite sufficient. He didn't even manage to do anything that bad, RIGHT, Stolas?" I address the prince, showing him with my whole demeanor what he was supposed to say now.
"Huh? Y-yes! I didn't get to do anything, yes!" Thank God, he understood. So, the verdict of "now you must see a therapist" was quite possible.
"Hmm… does everyone agree with such a punishment?" Satan returned to his role as judge, while Lucifer, meanwhile, discreetly flew up to his small, dust-covered throne, which was located above all the other Sins. After which, with a single snap of his fingers, he got rid of all the cobwebs and… started squeezing his rubber ducks, which, it seems, had been lying there for quite some time… Fuck, and this clown is the King of Hell… Okay, there was a certain special charm to it. Maybe I should ask him for a couple? To troll Lute…
"Well then, since everyone agrees, then Prince Stolas of the Goetia family is sentenced to… attending therapy… for the next five years… is that okay?" At first, Satan, continuing to blaze with his pomposity, faltered a little at the end of his speech and turned back, as if asking Lucifer if he had done everything right… He… he wasn't supposed to be like that, was he? Like a straight-A student, unsure of his answer, in front of a strict teacher… Yes, I just called a giant, draconic demon a schoolboy, and Lucifer, the Lord of Hell and all that, a teacher… Fuck, why couldn't I have said that out loud? Missed such a golden opportunity…
Stolas, with a surprised face, looked first at Satan, and then shifted his gaze to me. And I… I briefly placed a small illusion on my eyes, making them exactly the same as in my Baal form, and discreetly winked at the owl, who stumbled over nothing on his way to the exit. No need to hide my nature from him, and I'll remember the look on his face for a long time… Because an invisible drone took a picture of it… Yes, I am evil itself, bow before me!
"Well then…" when Stolas finally left us, Lucifer spoke again. "And now I would like to hear a more… normal version of everything that happened. And, Adam, you seemed to want to tell us something, didn't you?"
"Yep, and this is going to take a while, you master of ducky affairs," I smirk. "However, before that, I'll move these three somewhere, and I'll be back very soon." Not listening to any objections, I immediately open a portal to my "Death Star" and throw the three cherubs into the very same cell where Asmodeus was before. See, I didn't build it for nothing. It's nice that it came in handy again. "Rest up for now, I'll be back for you soon…" I throw at them, and then instantly find myself back in Hell. "Now, where was I?.."
Oh, the shitshow that started after that… No, I mean, I expected to spend a lot of time here, that I would be blazing with the desire to kill all these idiots, but… Four hours. Four, fucking, hours of mutual reproaches, accusations, and desperate attempts to get rid of me from some of the Sins, in the style of: "Lucifer, what the actual hell is he even doing here? Get rid of him, and let's continue our meeting." And that was from Beelzebub… Not counting the still-sleeping Belphegor (a strange creature, seriously) and Asmodeus, who had shoved his tongue up his ass (NOT literally), that was the… "nicest" comment in my direction. Which, in principle, was quite logical, but still, incredibly, fucking, annoying…
I began my story with Eve, her actions, and the possible consequences of her "victory." Surprisingly, literally everyone immediately agreed that she was a real, common problem, and that no one was going to serve her. It was nice to realize that they weren't complete idiots. After that, I briefly told them about specific options for opposing her, laid out a little about her possible location (somewhere here, in Hell, yes…), and even managed to… enlist their support, in case of her attack, promising that we, in turn, would be ready to help them, in case she attacked Hell itself… Yes, everything was going super well, and I even relaxed a little, starting to think that everything would go smoothly, and that, in general, these demons weren't as scary as they were painted. But then…
In short, my brilliant idea, to accept an archangel into their family, was not at all to the liking of Mammon, Satan, and Leviathan. Lucifer, as usual, had a laugh and agreed (I can already see that asshole laughing at me, calling me "son" or something… Yeah, I didn't quite think that through…). Asmodeus just silently raised his hand, as if to say, I agree too. Belphegor, although she was sleeping, also raised her hand. So, she was listening after all, and for some reason, she liked my idea. And Beelzebub, it seems, decided that this was an excellent opportunity for future jokes, so she was also in agreement. Paimon, whose existence everyone seemed to have forgotten about, also offered his candidacy as Baal's father. In short, under the indignant, disgruntled muttering of Satan and the loud, profane shouts of Mammon, I was finally accepted into their family…
It may seem childish and stupid, but this was just the first, small brick in one, more global plan of mine, which I had been thinking about for a long time, but never dared to execute. To be honest, it looked VERY risky and foolishly naive. And it was based on the fact that all the Deadly Sins, in essence, were just the same rational, thinking creatures, and even though their own concepts affected them, it didn't deprive them of the same simple, almost human desires, like the need for friends, for family, and so on. I wanted to make Hell not a place of punishment, but a place of redemption, redesigning this world so that all the "worst" of humanity would end up in my "Abyss." Hell, of course, worked before, when it had just appeared, but now it was just a gathering place for all sorts of trash, who lived here for centuries, denying themselves nothing. It was complete shit. And I will change it. And for that, I needed the support not only of Lucifer, but also of the other Sins. They could, in many ways, screw me over, and I didn't want to waste extra energy and time on solving this problem.
But since these "esteemed ladies and gentlemen" did satisfy my seemingly absurd request, then I could finally start thinking in this direction… I'll give them a chance too. Yes, that's what a good boy I am, almost a Saint. Although, why "almost"?
And so, when this matter was finally settled, and I was already happy that the worst was over, another fight started, which consumed all the rest of my remaining time… Fuck, I want a vacation…
America. Secret base of the Demon Hunters Organization Responsible for Killing Shit (D.H.O.R.K.S.)
"Why don't we just start cutting off pieces of them? That way, they'll definitely tell us everything they know…" a young, handsome man, with a deceptively naive look and bright, ruby-red eyes, sat on a chair, his arms crossed over his chest, watching with interest as the three cherubs were tied up and seated on chairs behind the one-way glass.
"Abaddon…" a brunette with a light, week-old stubble wearily rubbed the bridge of his nose. "To put it simply, under torture, they'll start saying anything just to make it stop. I don't know how to do that, and I don't want to. And these… 'geniuses,' their specialists are far away, in the Vatican… we could, of course, bring them here by portal, but I'd just be disgusted watching something like that…"
"Well, I suppose I could try…" Abaddon suggested thoughtfully, looking at his brother with interest.
"I said I DON'T want to watch that. It's disgusting," Sif, after rummaging in his pocket, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and, putting one in his mouth, immediately lit it with a snap of his fingers.
"But isn't that too unreliable of an option? This 'truth serum' works very erratically. And the scientists are only just now calculating the approximate dosage for them, but even so, it might not work correctly. And then we'll have to wait until their little fun trips are over, for a second attempt…"
"Fuck, where did you even learn all this?" Sif covered his face with his hand. "Come on, let's go for a walk. Anyway, this will take another hour and a half. And Azura is already worried…"
"She's always worried about you," Abaddon replied with a warm smile.
"Let's go, you little troll…" Sif exhaled a thick, gray cloud of smoke, leaving the room.
Heavens. Suburbs of the Golden Gates (Capital of Heaven, a reminder)
POV Adam
"Ugh…" Sleep. I want to sleep. To say I'm fucking exhausted is an understatement. If all these meetings and assemblies in Heaven were just a headache, then in Hell—it was a pain in the ass. A total one!
I handed the prisoners over to Linda so they could use their "truth potion" on them, or whatever they called it. I had absolutely no desire to bring them to Heaven, nor to send my girls anywhere, because then I would have to be present at the event myself. Eve isn't sleeping, after all (although, sometimes I think she does sleep, and more than Belphegor) and she could very well attack my exorcists, which I could not allow.
Arriving in Heaven and waving to a worried-looking Peter, I decided to get some fresh air, to collect myself a bit and not bring my exhaustion home. A leisurely flight through the Heavens slowly restored my mental health, but of all my desires, there was only one—to get home as soon as possible, hug my valkyrie tightly, and fall into a deep, serene sleep. But I didn't relax. There had already been enough moments that showed my carelessness; luckily they were not dangerous, but it would not happen again. I constantly scanned my entire surroundings. Maybe I'll find something? Yes, I was in Heaven. But Eve, in principle, didn't give a damn about that.
Flying towards my house, my vigilance was finally rewarded: dozens of some kind of living creatures were inside. At the same time, the lights in the house were off, and no voices could be heard. They're hiding! What bastards dared to infiltrate my own home?! There are no thieves in Heaven, which means… Eve! But my "eye" didn't react at all, and I didn't feel any Darkness either. Agents? Yes, that must be it! But what about Lute?! If they did something to her, I…
I burst inside, kicking the door open and preparing to immediately strike the attackers with something, when suddenly, the lights in the house turn on, and I hear the sound of many small but loud explosions, and some kind of colorful petals are immediately thrown at me.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!"
"Huh?"