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==============
After the school festival ended, for a while, I was eating lunch alone in the student cafeteria. Today, too.
After Iroha Isshiki's acting confession and Amane Sakura's serious confession, something big changed. Despite being so actively involved, Isshiki stopped contacting me completely. We didn't even see each other at university, and she didn't come to my house anymore.
"Oh, alone again today?"
"...Oh."
It was Tsuneshi who called out to me. Seeing that the hot-blooded guy, Nikaido, who usually acts as a set, wasn't around, it seemed he was also alone.
"What's up lately? I haven't seen you with Isshiki-chan at all."
"Nothing... It's not like we're together every day."
When I answered, Tsuneshi placed his tray on the seat in front of me. I hadn't given him permission, but it seemed he intended to eat with me.
"No, no, it was almost every day, wasn't it? Did something happen?"
"Something... huh."
It seemed that Isshiki's change in behavior looked unnatural to others as well. As I muttered, Tsuneshi began to munch on his minced cutlet set meal.
"Even if something did happen, I don't know what it is."
"Well, it's probably because you didn't answer her confession from the stage, right?"
I flinched at the immediate reply. Tsuneshi must have seen that stage too. Certainly, I was confessed to. But that wasâ
"...That was acting, right?"
"Who knows? It looked like a serious confession to me."
Tsuneshi said that and then calmly shoveled white rice into his mouth, but it was just a matter of what "it looked like." Isshiki's confession certainly had a desperate quality to it, a strong sense of truthfulness. However, reacting too much to it wasn't good. My thought process, built up from past events and various other things, was sounding an alarm.
"Even so, wouldn't it be strange for me to reply?"
"Then why don't you ask, 'Was that for real?'"
Instead of replying immediately, I crunched on the pickled daikon radish that came with my boiled fish set meal. He says it so lightly, I thought. What if I asked, and she said, "Yes, it was for real"? What then?
"I'm being too self-conscious..."
"No, I think it's better to be overly self-conscious."
Tsuneshi muttered and then bit into his minced cutlet. I put white rice in my mouth.
"How much more can I be?"
It was already strange that I was unsettled by Isshiki not approaching me anymore. I was the one who had originally kept an abnormal distance. And now, just because things had returned to how they should be, I was like thisâ
"In that case, can I go after Isshiki-chan?"
"Huh?"
Tsuneshi's sudden words made me blurt out that sound. I tried to ask what kind of joke it was, but Tsuneshi's expression was utterly serious.
"She probably got fed up. You don't want to go out with her even though she's so pushy. If you're not going to care about her, can't I go after her?"
Even as I continued to stare, trying to ascertain his true intentions, Tsuneshi's attitude didn't waver. I noticed that I had narrowed my eyes, but I couldn't look away.
"...Don't mess with me."
A voice filled with irritation, surprising even myself, came out. Still, Tsuneshi continued to stare at me without changing his expressionâand then, all of a sudden, he broke into a crumpled smile.
"That's your answer, isn't it?"
In front of me, dumbfounded, Tsuneshi devoured his meal as if in a final spurt.
"See ya."
Having finished his lunch in no time, Tsuneshi stood up and said that. Even as I watched him walk away briskly, he didn't look back.
"...I don't get it."
What the hell, seriously? I stopped myself just before letting out a curse that was about to burst forth, and then let out a big sigh.
â------------
The greatest pleasure of campus life was lunchtime. The lively student cafeteria. If I looked for a quiet place there, I could almost always find Senpai. Because that was pretty much the only point of contact I had with him at university.
"..."
But now, I'm eating alone. I don't go looking for Senpai myself. In fact, I come at a different time than usual, so there's no way I'd meet him.
"Oh, this is rare. At this time."
I looked up at the sudden voice. Standing there was Sakura-chan.
"...Hello."
"Still so formal, aren't you?"
Sakura-chan said that and placed her tray on the seat in front of me, sitting down as if it were obvious. She wasn't as awkward as meeting Senpai, but honestly, she was the next most awkward person to meet. Even if it was by chance, I had peeked at Sakura-chan's confession.
"Um,"
"I confessed to Senpai and got rejected."
Just as I was about to speak, that answer came back. I was surprised because I hadn't expected Sakura-chan to say it herself, but it was convenient for the flow of the conversation.
"I know. I overheard it when I was looking for Senpai. I'm sorry for peeking."
"Really?! Oh, how embarrassing... But well, if you know, then it's quicker to talk."
Sakura-chan waved her hands vigorously as I bowed my head. The fact that she didn't get angry about this made me think she truly had a big heart.
"I knew it was probably impossible, but it still hurts when you get clearly rejected."
I couldn't immediately reply to her honest thoughts. I probably wasn't able to think as rationally as Sakura-chan. The resolve to be rejected, or the resolve to be hurt. I probably lacked that.
"So, why are you avoiding Senpai, Iroha-chan?"
The sudden, direct question made my chopsticks, which I was carrying, stop. After taking a breath, I answered.
"...Because I was also rejected."
When I answered honestly, Sakura-chan's expression hardened. ...What's with that reaction? It's not what I expected.
"Eh...? Ah, hmm... I see."
Whether she understood or not, Sakura-chan nodded as if forcing herself to accept it.
"Hey."
As I was searching for an answer to this reaction, Sakura-chan suddenly spoke up. Her eyes were firmly fixed on me.
"It might be unfair to say this now, but don't you think we could become good friends?"
Sakura-chan's eyes, as she asked that, were surprisingly clear. They were a beautiful color, unmixed with lies, deception, or pity.
I took Sakura-chan's words with both hands, and then I thought. But it didn't take long for me to speak the answer.
"Yes, I suppose so."
"Still using polite language~!"
Sakura-chan exaggeratedly leaned back, then immediately brought her gaze back to me.
When our eyes met again, Sakura-chan had a slightly serious expression. That somehow felt funny, and we both laughed.
â---------------
The boisterous chatter and the clinking of glasses.
"I'll tell you this first,"
Tetsuya-san, who had placed his mug on the izakaya counter, said while looking at the golden beer.
"I'm not the type to do things like this."
"Well, that's true..."
Why were we drinking together like this? It was because Tetsuya-san had suddenly invited me to go for a drink. Of course, I had never received such an invitation before, and it was rare for us to meet just the two of us. Besides, Tetsuya-san himself wasn't supposed to be very fond of going out for drinks.
"But still, I was curious about various things."
"...Did you hear something from Nene-san, or something?"
"No. Not particularly."
The conversation was vague about the subject, but it was undoubtedly about me and Isshiki. Naturally, given how much time we had spent together, Isshiki's change in attitude would be a question even for Tetsuya-san, who was close to us.
"Did something happen? Aside from what happened at the school festival."
"Nothing happened. ...Well, that's probably the cause."
The hint Tsuneshi had given me earlier had almost certainly solidified in my mind. If there was a trigger, it could only be that incident, so there was no room for doubt. But there was also a part of me that thought, "It's just that..."
"So, Hikigaya-kun, you don't think this is okay, do you?"
"That's right, it's not."
That answer came out surprisingly smoothly, even to myself. If she had lost interest, then so be it. The situation was a result of my actions.
But I... I'm finding it unbearable to live without Isshiki by my side. Based on a calm analysis of my current self, I could only conclude that.
The absence of her sometimes calculating, sometimes innocent smile felt incredibly empty. The time I had grown accustomed to spending alone now brought an unbearable sense of emptiness.
"It would be quicker if you just dated normally, wouldn't it?"
Tetsuya-san's somber voice permeated to the depths of my chest. Truly, he was absolutely right.
"How do you get good with girls, I wonder..."
I drank about half of my beer in one go, then placed the mug on the counter and muttered. When I said it aloud, it sounded so effeminate and trite.
"In Hikigaya-kun's case, I think you just need to make up your mind."
"That might be true, but I don't mean it in that sense."
"Eh, so you just want to get laid?"
"Eh?"
"Eh?"
At the unexpected words, we looked at each other. What is this person suddenly saying? I didn't mean "get good" in that way.
Was he drunk? I looked at his hand, and indeed, his mug was already empty. To fill the strange silence that had fallen, I also finished the remaining beer, and we both ordered refills. We grabbed the mugs that were soon brought to us and both drank about half in one go.
"Now that I think about it, I might have had a popular phase in high school."
"Suddenly bragging? Explode, normie."
"Tetsuya-san is popular too, aren't you?"
"I just need to be popular with Nene."
"You're the one who should explode, normie."
Thinking it was a terrible conversation, I reminisced about the days gone by. After school, empty classrooms, the scent of tea, their voicesâI recalled them gently, like taking out a photo from an album.
"...At that time, I couldn't decide. Who I should truly cherish."
A self-pitying voice escaped me, and a sigh leaked out. At that time, sheâYukino Yukinoshitaâwished for Yui Yuigahama's wish to be granted. But I couldn't grant it. Neither Yukinoshita's wish nor Yuigahama's.
"That's why I don't have the right to date anyone."
The Service Club was gone, and Yukinoshita and Yuigahama, who had been so close, grew distant. I had no regrets about losing the club. But I still couldn't forgive myself for destroying the relationship between those two.
"Can you still not decide? Who to cherish the most?"
That question was gentle, but it was like a spear. A sharp tip that pierced to the core.
But I already knew. What I should really do.
"...I can decide. Or rather, it's already decided."
"Then, that's good."
Tetsuya-san said that and tilted his mug. I also let out a breath and relaxed my shoulders, then drained the remaining beer.
I'll go cool off for a bit, I said, and stepped outside. The air was quite chilly. I had gone out to sober up, but I regretted leaving my jacket inside as the wind was cold.
Leaning against the wall of the shop and looking at the street, I noticed that some eager shops were already lighting up their illuminations. With mid-autumn behind us, I truly felt that the season was steadily heading towards winter.
As I was idly thinking about such things, at that moment.
"...Ah."
I unexpectedly encountered some people. Walking from across the street were Amane Sakura and Isshiki Iroha.
"..."
When I averted my eyes, which had met perfectly, Isshiki tried to walk past.
However.
"That's not good, Iroha-chan."
It was Sakura who stopped her by the arm. To Isshiki, who looked as if she was pleading to be let go, Sakura shook her head.
"What a coincidence~! Since we've met, how about we grab some food?"
"Wait... We already ate, didn't we?"
Sakura smiled brightly at me, and Isshiki pulled at her arm. The atmosphere felt different from before.
"No, I'm drinking here right now..."
"Hmm, I see. That's a shame."
When I pointed to the shop, Sakura readily backed down. I glanced at Isshiki, and our eyes met again. Then her eyes immediately dropped.
At her reaction, which I had never seen before, I felt a strange sensation, as if a hole had opened in my heart. My spirits sank, and it felt as if sand was trickling out of that hole.
âBut this won't do.
"Um, well... I'll contact you again."
I said, continuing to look at Isshiki, who wouldn't meet my gaze. Isshiki's shoulder trembled slightly.
"...I see."
It was a curt reply. She still wouldn't look at me. But for me, it was enough. Because I felt that I had taken a definite step forward for myself. And because Isshiki's answer wasn't a rejection of me.
"Let's go."
Sakura said that and waved, and I also gave a small wave back. As their backs grew smaller in the distance, I clenched my fist.
============
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