Serenity kept rolling from one side onto the other all night long: not quite asleep, not quite awake. The buzzing of a mosquito next to the ear woke her up round 5 am.
First things first: following the guidance from the Emotional Support Volunteer from last night I need to set some boundaries with my parents. That is why my mobile phone is going off for the day.
The phone got switched off. Serenity picked up a book that she was in the process of reading. It was a sunny morning again after days of quasi-continuous rainfall.
Time to get my rain boots out and go for a morning walk.
The dog walker with two shepherds have been on their way back from their "daily patrol" and reported nothing unusual along the footpath. The only unusual thing was that we had to walk in rain boots which hasn't happened for a long time. While thinking to myself that "those rain boots were a bit of a bother" I have noticed a charcoal dark (black) snake rapidly undulating away from under my boots through the flooded wild grass. I have never come across one on my walking trail for a decade. Hence, I assumed that there was none because "seeing is believing (at times)". There exist only two species in the locale: one is benign and the other one is venomous. The bite by the venomous snake might result in severe swelling of the affected body part. I have persuaded myself that this one has not been the venomous snake because the venomous one has a distinct zigzag pattern on their back and I wanted to believe that they (the venomous ones) preferred dry places. After double-checking with the search engine, I have discovered that the venomous snake can be of charcoal dark (black) color and is sometimes in the mood for a swim. The two species can be distinguished by the shape and look of their eyes. But how is one supposed to observe the eyes of a snake slithering at speed through the tall wild grass? The two species might be of different tones on the greyscale but my discernment of tones is rather weak. Not only tones but also most shapes in the surrounding areas go unnoticed by me.
Perhaps, it's time for me to start noticing the ephemeral manifestations of the external world and for that I need to cultivate my artistic spirit.
Upon return to their flat Serenity placed a pencil and some paper next to them and has opened the Drawing Manual received in the mail two days ago. It had a hard burgundy cover and no title. The very first task was to draw one's profile portrait.
Is this a starting point for a complete beginner? How am I supposed to profile-pose for myself? Using the mirror I can only achieve a three-quarter view of the face at best.
Then an enlightening idea came to Serenity's head: "Take a selfie and copy the likeness from the two-dimensional picture onto a piece of drawing paper."
I need a source of a very dim light in order to obscure all that I do not wish to see about the poor state of my face skin.
Despite all the meticulous effort to mask that which I do not wish to see, the unflattering chin line and the jaw tension were palpable while drawing the likeness. Exhaustion from drawing made Serenity succumb to a state of slumber on the floor.
An ethereal being bearing the likeness I've just produced on paper started slowly materializing in a corner of the room.
"Have you called upon me?"
"I don't think I did. First of all, I don't know how to summon a Ghostly Apparition. Second of all, why would I call you?"
"Because you want answers that only I can provide you with."
"... and what would those answers be?"
"Shall we travel to your past for a short while?"
"No, not really. What happened, happened. There is nothing one can do about it now. Can they?"
"It's up to you to try and seize the opportunity."
I wonder which one of my past traumas the Ghostly Apparition has in mind.
"Alright, I will trust you this once."
The Ghostly Apparition has teleported Serenity's astral body back in time.
It was a night time. A few meters from them there was a couple enjoying the panoramic views of the city's lights by night. They seemed happy, cozying to one another, talking about many things.
Oh, no. This is my university years when I was a medical student. Our family resided in the country side at that time so leaving for a city was a remarkable change; a new stage in life; a new chapter in my dream. I have been teachers' pet with no social life; drank over 10 cups of coffee during my revision month for the entry examination; scored among the top; was very excited about my future career of taking pulses, prescribing medicinal herbs, dietary modifications, self-reflections and nurturing the sick back to health. Our family lived a very isolated life and felt no need of "keeping up with the times". That's why learning what the modern medicine consisted of came as a surprise to me. Initially, I felt a little repulsed by the discovery of how things changed since ancient times but I was simultaneously resolved to "keep up with modernity" and with my dream. The only element missing in the picture was the "significant other". Once that "entry" had been checked on the list, I could easily focus on studies and professional development. The Law of Attraction worked: I met him soon after. Tall, dark hair, well-educated, reputable job and a sports car (as a bonus). We kept meeting in the late evenings and kept discovering the city by night. That was because he was busy with work and research during the day. I couldn't wait for us to "become official". That was a proof to me that one could overcome the trauma of an unhappy childhood in a dysfunctional family by making a sincere effort. Most of all, I wanted to show my parents what a harmonious relationship and suitable professional development looked like. After two years went by, my enthusiasm started waning. At university I went from top scorer to the one who failed a couple of exams. I kept wondering what his reasons for delay were? Then one day I met a senior student in the cafeteria who wanted to catch up with me. She was beaming with joy because she finally met someone wonderful and they had been dating for a while and soon were to "become official". I was very happy for her until she mentioned the name of that "wonderful guy". It was the same guy that was supposedly still dating me. At that point, I made an excuse and left the cafeteria.
Maybe, he made a mistake and finally realized that I am the One for him.
I needed to clarify the matter with him asap. At his office I enquired when we were "making it official". He pretended to be surprised and explained that he believed we were only "in for spending a leisurely time together". So long as both of us were willing, things could go on. Love? Feelings? Serious relationship? Those were just manifestations of chemical reactions, in his opinion. Feelings didn't matter to him at all.
After having failed a couple of exams, I was about to lose my scholarship for the following year and the "significant other" was only an illusion. I was toyed with and lost my professional future because our family couldn't afford medical school tuition fees. A state of complete emotional melt-down ensued: "I have lost everything. There is nobody that I can turn to for help. Everybody will put the blame on me for my poor judgement of character."
While walking on the random street in a mode of complete panic a question kept resounding in my mind: "What do I do now? What do I do now?" At some point I stopped and lifted my head up to check where I was. I was in the front of the gun store: "If "till death do us part" doesn't suit you, perhaps, "since death has joined us" will be more up to you liking?!" the thoughts were raging. However, I simultaneously managed to think realistically because I didn't even know how to hold a gun (plus it will take time to learn how to use it) and a very urgent solution was needed. As a consequence, I proceeded to the art supply store.
"How can I help you, Miss?"
"Please, give me the most permanent spray paint that resembles the color of pigeon's blood."
The next morning the cleaning staff discovered a red spray painted message in a monumental font on the wall of the University's Department where the "jerk Junior Lecturer exploiting many female students" worked.
Since my rage was not appeased I went to the very popular "Dreamer's Bar". Somebody has offered me a drink. While they went to the bathroom, I took a few sips and my head started getting dizzy. In need of some fresh air, I left the bar. The next thing that I remember was waking up in my bed with mother in a state of worry next to the bed. She told me that I collapsed to the floor after having returned home. She suspected a severe intoxication but abstained from calling an ambulance in case the nosy neighbors might wonder about the details of the story. In her younger days (before meeting my father) she worked as a pharmacologist (a pharmacist's assistant), hence, she knew how to handle intoxications. After the wedding, mother was forced to leave her client-facing job due to father's jealousy of the male clients and had to resort to doing unskilled odd jobs ever since.
The disciplinary committee decided that Junior Lecturer had to repaint the University's Department wall and that was that. I lost my scholarship and could no longer afford to continue my studies...