The evening air felt sharp and strong, the kind of bite that went through your bones rather than your skin. The gentle, regular beat of my footsteps resonated down the stone walkway as I exited the towering library building. Every step felt heavier than the one before, as if the cobblestones beneath me sensed my weight.
Behind me, Austen University's windows glowed with warm yellow light, producing long, eerie shadows across the peaceful campus. Most of the students had gone back to their dorms, caught up in their own worlds of studies or dreams, but here I was stuck between reality and memory.
With my hands buried farther into my coat pockets, the wool did hardly anything to relieve the tension in my knotted fists. Not the cold. I almost never saw the cold. It was something else. Storm forming inside me. A name that I hear echoing far too loudly.
zac.
The project had finished some hours ago. Alternatively maybe minutes. Time was twisting tonight, passing past me like water through fingers. Still, our interaction left an imprint. Though he told me that myth Orpheus and Eurydice were very sure when he said so, his voice still rang inside me, quiet and uncertain yet quite sure.
Unaware of it, every phrase he uttered felt like a symphony in my heart. Every glance, every smile drove me farther from the version of myself I had spent years trying to become.
He made me not Velyn Januz of Mirevia.
I wasnt the crown prince. The second heir. The secret desire of a nation about to go to war.
I was simply Januz with Zac.
Just a youngster looking to forget what was waiting for him beyond Earth and sit under the stars.
I slowed near the courtyard fountain, its soft trickle of water the only sound other than the wind playing among the trees. My reflection rippled on the moonlight surface. My eyes appeared older than I remembered. More exhausted. More terrorized.
For how long had I been living this way? Hiding beneath strata of fictitious names and little fibs. running while trying to appear motionless.
I shut my eyes. Let the chill permeate my bones. Perhaps if I stayed here long enough, the stars might tell me what to do.
Brrzt. . . Brrzt. . .
My phone vibrated against my chest. The unwelcome, sharp, and urgent shaking was felt.
Knowing what name Id see, I gently drew it out.
Elios: 7th Wing
Among my most devoted guardians. One shadow in my realms night. I pressed the phone to my ear, voice steady despite the quick thump in my heart.
Izthera sadoth, Elios? ( Are you safe? )
Marek nadar, Velyn. His voice sounded like static wrapped in steel. (No, my Prince. The northern seal has been broken. )
I froze.
Every muscle in my body stiffened.
Teyra sel? Talar dova tel miran? (By whom? Through whose passage? )
via your mothers route. Though the Queen is safe, she sends vital information. They are travelling more quickly than expected.
My hold on the phone tightened. My knuckles went white.
Have they located me?
A pause. Not now; but if you stay, they will. Prepare yourself. Take care.
My chest tightened.
And the boy's situation?
Elios understood who I was referring to.
Zac.
Yet another stop.
He is not involved. Keep it that way.
Swallowed, I digested. Hard. My neck stung.
I will try. But Elios, he sensed something in me tonight. I am not sure how much longer I can lie.
Velyn, then lie properly.
Click.
The call cut off. The quiet left behind felt weightier than the call itself.
I remained still; my heart hammered in my chest like a war drum.
The seal had come apart. The enemy was on the move. The Queen was hiding. I was thousands of miles away from home.
A residence perhaps not present upon my return.
And yet, all I could concentrate on was Zac eyes following me, gentle and hesitant, as if he was already starting to assemble the facts.
I had to stop him. Not at this time.
I walked away from the fountain. Quicker. Like warnings, my shoes hit the ground. Before I did something stupid, I had to slip off into the darkness.
Because every second I spent around him pushed me closer to a decision I couldn't afford to make.
If Zac ever realized who I actually am. . .
Should he ever learned the actual reason I was here. . .
I wasn't sure I could bear the sight on his face when he found out it had all been a deception.
It was not, however, a falsehood.
Not everything about it.
What I felt what I feel is genuine.
Gods are helping me; this is true.
I crept inside silently when I arrived at the dorm building and descended two stairs at once. As I walked by, the hallway lights fluttered; every door I passed seemed like yet another obstacle between me and the truth I could not outrun.
Inside my room I shut the door and leaned against it, the chilly wood pressed against my back. I released a breath I had been unaware of holding.
My coat fell off my shoulders and onto the floor.
I crossed the room and stopped close to the window. Drew the curtain aside ever-so-slightly to peek through.
Bathed in moonlight, the fountain was still apparent.
And next
A flutter of motion.
A likeness.
Still. Quiet.
Attending.
My breath hitched. I moved in closer.
Was he the one?
Was Zac tailing me?
Part of me wished to rush back outside. To locate him. To keep attached to that delicate thread that linked me to this passing fantasy of normalcy.
I remained though.
Methe royal knew better since the other part of the fugitive was liark.
Bringing him closer could mean I could never let him go.
People like me also cannot love freely. We adore in quiet. In darkness. Scared.
Zac should not have to get pulled into a war he is unaware of.
He looked at me and saw something worth keeping, so he doesn't deserve to burn.
So I let the curtain drop.
I turned away from the window.
And I murmured his name into the darkness as though I were never meant to say it out loud.
Zac.
He was the one thing I ought not to feel.
But here I am, feeling him in every rhythm of my treacherous heart.
Gods, please forgive me.
I am not ready to let him go.
But I will indeed.
Since I have to.
If I dont. . .
Hell view the star's shadows.
And the devil know the truth:
That I was never just Januz.
And loving me might be the one thing that kills him.