Old Man Tan, the Dragon Prince of the East Sea, Lord of the Aquatic Realms, and purveyor of fine hotpot, looked at the mess in his restaurant.
He sighed again.
The fox demon, Mei, hissed, her eyes still streaming from the chili oil assault.
"Stay out of this, old man!" she snarled. "This doesn't concern you!"
Old Man Tan just looked at her with the infinite patience of a being who has seen empires rise and fall.
"You're burning my booths," he said, his voice flat. "And you're upsetting my best customer."
He gestured vaguely at Li Wei, who was still making little sobbing noises on the floor.
"That's bad for business."
He took a slow, deep breath.
But what came out wasn't air.
It was a cloud of shimmering, crystalline frost.
The frost washed over the demons.
It wasn't violent.
It wasn't explosive.
It was just... cold.
The fox demon froze mid-snarl, her flaming chopsticks extinguished, her body encased in a thin layer of perfectly clear ice.
The scaly demon, the horned couple, all of them were instantly transformed into very detailed, very surprised-looking ice sculptures.
The fire in the booth sputtered and died, leaving behind a smell of burnt vinyl and vanquished evil.
Silence descended.
**
Feng Yue stared, her phoenix-flame sword flickering uncertainly.
She had felt his power the moment he walked out of the kitchen.
It was ancient.
Vast.
Like the ocean itself.
This balding, unassuming hotpot owner was a dragon.
And not just any dragon.
The golden scales, the sheer pressure of his aura...
This was Ao Guang Jr., the Crown Prince of the East Sea Dragon Palace.
A being of immense power and legendary laziness.
What in the name of all the realms was he doing running a hotpot restaurant in the mortal world?
**
Ao Guang Jr. ignored her.
He walked over to the bar, pulled out a frosty mug, and poured himself a beer from the tap.
He took a long, slow sip.
"Ahhh," he exhaled. "Kids these days. No respect for small business."
He turned his gaze to Li Wei, who was now trying to become one with the floor tiles.
"You, kid," the dragon prince said. "You're a real piece of work, you know that?"
Li Wei peeked up at him. "I'm sorry about the soup."
Ao Guang Jr. chuckled. "Don't be. That was the most entertaining thing I've seen all week."
He took another sip of beer.
"I've been watching you for months. You're like my own personal reality show. 'The Clumsy Cultivator Who Doesn't Know He's a Cultivator.' Great stuff. Better than anything on Netflix."
Feng Yue finally found her voice.
She stepped forward, her sword held ready.
"Lord Ao Guang," she said, her tone formal and respectful, despite her inner turmoil. "This mortal is under my protection. He is vital to the security of all three realms."
Ao Guang Jr. raised an eyebrow. "This one?"
He pointed a thumb at Li Wei.
"The kid who just weaponized his dinner out of sheer panic?"
"The very same," Feng Yue said, her chin held high. "I must take him to Penglai for training immediately."
The dragon prince swirled his beer, a thoughtful look on his face.
"Nah," he said finally. "I don't think so."
Feng Yue bristled. "What?"
"He's my entertainment," Ao Guang Jr. said with a shrug. "He stays here. It's good for business. People love a dinner-and-a-show special."
"This is not a negotiation!" Feng Yue's temper flared, her phoenix flames dancing along the blade of her sword.
"Isn't it?" Ao Guang Jr. grinned, his teeth just a little too sharp. "Okay, how about this. A challenge."
He held up his beer mug.
"A drinking contest. You and me. If you win, you can take the kid. If I win..."
He looked at Li Wei.
"...he becomes my new dishwasher."
**
Li Wei had had enough.
He'd been electrocuted, chased, nearly stabbed, almost burned, and now two ancient mythological beings were about to have a drinking contest to decide his future employment status.
He was done.
While they were arguing, he started to crawl, very slowly, toward the shattered front window.
Just a few more feet.
He could make it.
He could get out, find a police officer, and try to explain that he was having a very, very vivid nightmare.
He put a hand on the window frame.
Freedom was so close.
He pulled himself up.
And smacked face-first into an invisible wall.
He slid to the floor, his nose throbbing.
Ao Guang Jr. hadn't even looked at him.
He just took another sip of his beer, a smirk playing on his lips.
"Nice try, kid."
**
Something inside Li Wei broke.
It wasn't the cold, logical snap from the alley.
It was a hot, furious snap of pure, unfiltered rage.
He was tired.
He was confused.
And he was sick of being treated like a prize to be won.
He shot to his feet, his fists clenched, his face red with fury.
"HEY!" he screamed, his voice raw.
Both the dragon prince and the phoenix princess turned to look at him, surprised by his sudden outburst.
For a split second, the world seemed to shimmer around him.
The terrified Yin and the cold Yang, for the first time in their fractured existence, were united by a single, powerful emotion.
Indignation.
Two voices, one high with panic and one low with logic, overlapped and spoke as one.
"I'M NOT A POKEMON CARD!"
**
The alley was silent for a moment.
Then Ao Guang Jr. started to laugh.
It started as a low chuckle.
Then it grew into a deep, rumbling belly laugh.
And then it became a full-blown, tears-streaming-down-his-face, can't-breathe roar of pure amusement.
"HAHAHA! POKEMON! OH, THAT'S RICH!"
He laughed so hard, he started to choke.
He slammed his beer mug on the bar, gasping for air.
His form began to shimmer.
The illusion of the balding, middle-aged man wavered.
He shrank.
His clothes melted away, replaced by shimmering, golden scales.
His form twisted and contorted.
When the light faded, Old Man Tan was gone.
In his place, on the bar, was a tiny, golden dragon, no bigger than a lizard.
It was still laughing, tiny puffs of smoke coming from its nostrils.
Then it hiccuped.
And fell over.
Right into the beer mug it had just set down.
SPLASH.
The tiny dragon was now stuck, head-first, in a pint of beer, its little legs kicking frantically in the air.
**
Feng Yue stared at the ridiculous sight.
Li Wei stared at it.
The frozen demons, if they could have, would have stared too.
Li Wei slowly pulled out his phone.
He opened the camera app.
He hit record.
"Worldstar," he whispered, a manic grin spreading across his face.
Feng Yue let out a long, suffering sigh that seemed to carry the weight of centuries.
She put her flaming sword away.
She walked over to the bar.
And with the dignity of a queen being forced to unclog a toilet, she reached into the beer mug to rescue the flailing, drunken dragon prince of the East Sea.
This was her life now.
This was her cosmic prophecy.
She was going to need more wine.
đź“Ł [SYSTEM NOTICE: AUTHOR SUPPORT INTERFACE]
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