"Join us."
The words hung in the air, colder than a tomb.
Zombie Chen smiled, a grotesque parody of the arrogant smirk Li Wei knew so well.
"The math is so much clearer when you're dead."
He raised a hand.
The air around him warped, not with golden light, but with an eerie, purple-black energy.
Equations formed.
But they were different.
They were theorems of decay.
Formulas of entropy.
The elegant, beautiful mathematics of death itself.
"There are no messy variables here, Brother Wei," Chen's dead voice explained. "No emotion. No doubt. No fear."
"Just pure, perfect, ice-cold logic."
"The universe is just one final, beautiful equation. And death is the answer."
**
Up on the balcony, Feng Yue felt a chill that had nothing to do with the night air.
This was bad.
This was very, very bad.
She could fight a thousand jiangshi.
But she couldn't fight an idea.
And Zombie Chen was offering Yang Mode the one thing he craved more than anything.
Perfection.
Order.
An existence free from the chaotic, screaming idiot that lived in his head.
**
He's lying! Yin Mode shrieked from the depths of Li Wei's mind. Don't listen to him! Zombies are gross! Their skin is all weird and they probably smell bad!
Yang Mode ignored him.
He was... intrigued.
He watched as Chen demonstrated his power.
The other jiangshi in the courtyard began to move.
They hopped in unison, their movements forming the components of a massive, complex theorem.
One group formed a perfect integral sign.
Another became a flawless representation of a Fourier series.
They were living mathematics.
"There is no pain," Chen continued his sales pitch. "No illogical attachments. You could calculate the heat death of the universe without shedding a single, inefficient tear."
Yang Mode's golden eyes glowed brighter.
He began to run the numbers.
[CALCULATING: Benefits of Voluntary Zombification]
[PROS:]
+ Eternal Processing Time
+ Elimination of Emotional Glitches
+ Full Access to Necromantic Calculus
+ 100% Reduction in Annoying Roommate Complaints
[CONS:]
- Probable Skin Decay
- Subservience to an Unknown Master
- Inability to Taste Spicy Hotpot
- Termination of Primary Consciousness (Yin Mode)
He analyzed the data.
The pros were compelling.
The cons... were mostly acceptable losses.
Except for one.
Termination of Primary Consciousness.
He couldn't just delete the idiot.
Their souls were fractured, but they were still one entity.
"There is a flaw in your proposal," Yang Mode stated, his voice as cold as the grave. "My existence is a duality. I cannot be zombified without my other half."
Zombie Chen's smile widened.
"Oh, we know," he said. "We're not just offering this to you."
"We're offering it to him."
**
NO! Yin Mode screamed. NO THANK YOU! I AM VERY PRO-SKIN! I DO NOT WANT TO BE A ZOMBIE! I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY FAVORITE TV SHOW YET!
Feng Yue had to do something.
She could see the conflict in Li Wei's eyes. The terrifying logical appeal of Chen's offer.
She swooped down from the balcony, landing between Li Wei and the undead horde.
Her phoenix flames flared, creating a wall of fire.
"Li Wei, don't listen to him!" she yelled, her voice desperate. "This isn't you! You're not a monster!"
"From a purely logical standpoint," Yang Mode replied, his voice eerily calm, "becoming a zombie would increase my operational efficiency by 4,700%. It is the most rational course of action."
"Love isn't rational!" she shot back. "Friendship isn't rational! Hope isn't rational! Does any of that matter to you?"
"They are inefficient variables," Yang Mode stated. "Glitches in the system. They impede progress."
She's right! Yin Mode sobbed internally. Feelings are great! Like that time Chen got dumped and we stayed up all night playing video games and eating chips! That was a great feeling!
The memory hit Yang Mode like a system crash.
A sudden, unexpected data packet.
Late-night gaming sessions. Input: Greasy controllers. Input: Salty snacks. Input: Shared frustration at a poorly designed final boss.
Output: A feeling... of camaraderie.
Inefficient.
"Remember that time," Yin Mode's voice whispered, not just in his head, but in his very soul, "we tried to cook a steak in the coffee maker? And we almost burned the whole dorm down?"
Another data packet.
Input: Smoke. Input: The sound of the fire alarm. Input: Chen's panicked screaming.
Output: A feeling... of shared stupidity. Of being in it together.
Illogical.
"Remember complaining about girls?" Yin Mode pushed, his voice getting stronger. "Remember how you always said you'd never understand them, and I said I'd never understand them, and we agreed that they were beautiful, terrifying mysteries?"
Input: Mutual confusion. Input: Shared admiration. Input: The quiet, unspoken bond of two clueless idiots trying to navigate the world.
Output: Friendship.
A variable that defied calculation.
A glitch that couldn't be quarantined.
A messy, beautiful, and utterly human piece of code.
The golden light in Yang Mode's eyes flickered.
The cold fortress of logic began to crack.
And for the first time, the two halves of Li Wei's soul didn't fight.
They agreed.
Chen is our friend.
And we don't let our friends stay zombies.
**
The golden light and the panicked darkness swirled together.
Li Wei stumbled forward, his eyes a strange mix of calculating gold and emotional brown.
He looked at Zombie Chen.
"Chen," he said, his voice a weird blend of Yin's waver and Yang's confidence.
"You're right. The math is clearer when you're dead."
"But the noodles taste better when you're alive."
He took a deep breath.
"I challenge you."
Zombie Chen laughed, a dry, rattling sound. "To what? A duel of theorems? I have studied the mathematics of the void for centuries. You cannot win."
"No," Li Wei said, a slow, stupid grin spreading across his face.
"Not math."
He held up his hand.
"I challenge you to our old tradition."
"Rock. Paper. Scissors."
**
Silence.
The entire jiangshi horde seemed to pause.
Feng Yue stared, utterly bewildered.
Zombie Chen's smile faltered. "What?"
"You know the rules," Li Wei said, his grin widening. "Whoever loses pays for dinner. Best two out of three."
Zombie Chen's undead brain tried to process this.
Rock. Paper. Scissors.
It was a game of pure chance.
Of illogical, unpredictable human choice.
There was no algorithm.
No theorem.
No perfect, logical answer.
His dead eyes began to flicker.
"Does... not... compute," he stammered.
"Come on, bro!" Li Wei yelled, pumping his fist. "Rock, Paper, Scissors, SHOOT!"
He threw out a hand.
Paper.
Zombie Chen's arm twitched.
His fingers spasmed.
He was trying to calculate the optimal move.
He was trying to apply logic to chaos.
His jaw opened and closed, making a clicking sound.
A wisp of purple smoke trickled from his ear.
"Error," he whispered. "Stack overflow."
And then, his eyes rolled back in his head.
He collapsed.
And as he fell, every single jiangshi in the courtyard fell with him, their systems crashing in a wave of shared, logical failure.
They lay on the ground, twitching, defeated not by power or magic.
But by the dumbest game ever invented.
**
Li Wei stood there, his hand still outstretched in the shape of "paper."
He looked at the field of unconscious zombies.
He looked at Feng Yue, whose expression was a perfect mix of awe and exasperation.
"So," he said, his voice now fully back to his normal, idiotic self.
"Does this mean he's paying for dinner?"
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