In the Trial of Longing, there was no sound, no light, no life. Even feeling itself was obscure, indistinct within the dark abyss.
There was nothing else... no one else.
Only an unfathomable darkness, a reflectionless void that held no hope, desire, or feeling.
A place where a single thought was as though a sputtering flame, battling the currents of a boundless ocean.
What is happening? ...Where am I?
The place, whatever it was, was like the end, peaceful and yet horrifying...
The thoughts slowly grew in abundance. If sound were a concept in the depths, a loud shriek would have echoed, as, without understanding how, he fell forward and grounded his being.
Oren's vision blurred, as though he were not seeing with his eyes.
He did not know how, he did not need to know.
Oren could not comprehend it.
He was formless, relentless, and disturbing.
Yet he remained chained by his own desires.
While he dwelt within the trial, his physical body sat in the academy hall, deep in meditation before the haunting altar.
When his mind steadied, Oren was met with an uncanny darkness he could not describe with words.
The peculiar void was stripped of everything, as though it were missing what it should have possessed, as if the Trial of Longing was not meant to be like this.
How is this even possible? Is this the trial? He thought to himself, frozen in awe.
His consciousness was scarce, like an ant about to be trampled beneath the feet of towering humans.
Yet the fear Oren felt was as peculiar as the void itself. It felt unnatural.
Something is wrong here!
The thought for some reason faded almost instantly.
Still, Oren knew the trial was strange, it compelled him to look around, but at the same time urged him to close his eyes.
A shiver ran down his spine making him give into the external desire. Oren chose blindness and stillness for reasons he could not explain, because he felt that if he stared into the void, it would stare back at him.
Then he moved. Or at least, he tried to. Oren frowned. Moving through this place felt strange, as if caught in the currents of a vast ocean, unable to swim despite knowing how.
It seemed, Oren could not fully control his body here. A quiet chuckle escaped him, though nothing was funny.
It would take time to grow used to it. Time he could not afford to waste.
If only i could just... his arms twitched, then his legs, and before Oren knew it he had d broken free from the sluggish currents of his own consciousness, he took a step forward.
An odd thought surfaced in his mind.
Will my trial be peace… That is what I longed for?
Or will it be something else?
A single word almost formed in his thoughts.
It slipped away for a moment, then returned.
Nirvana.
What would have been his golden eyes gleamed faintly.
Does it exist? A place said to be as welcoming and holy as the heavens themselves?
He stepped forward again.
…Nirvana.
The word lingered in his mind.
Yes… that was it.
Oren's thoughts slowly became melancholic, overcome with a new unusual emotion.
Though nothing had changed, he felt something he had never felt before.
He was indescribably alone.
Yet he had felt alone many times... Even before the revos verum, he had left everything behind of his own free will.
It was all... his fault!
No!
Oren shook his head, that was wrong... it was simply incorrect, the thought was strange.
But everything felt wrong.
Perhaps it was because the trial held no sound, maybe it was because he was the only one here.
A sudden wistfulness traced his thoughts.
I am alone now… will I reach it without anyone else?
Will I be alone with it too?
He asked as though someone were there to answer.
Am I hallucinating?
Oren shook off the sudden somberness, or whatever the feeling was as he always did, but no matter how hard he tried, he could not.
It was as though he were incapable of feeling anything else, but why.
Why does this feel like grief…? I should not feel sad.
Am i forgetting something.
For a moment it felt as though Oren remembered something, but it was nothing useful.
It would certainly not help him beat the Trial at all.
He froze for a moment.
How could Oren reach it without anyone...
How will I reach...
…nirvana?
His vision blurred.
I am so sad… so pitiful. If I do not change quickly, the trial will condemn me, nirvana will run away. Everyone will hate me. And I will not make it back before the end of the Sunwane, no I must. If it dont i will… die here.
With that thought, he moved again.
But what moved Oren was not sadness.
It was desire, an indomitable longing.
A yearning that felt like his own, and yet he wondered whether it truly belonged to him.
As Oren drifted, the world reacted sharply.
He pushed off the ground and took his first real step.
Then another, even faster.
His posture stiffened as he looked around the bleak expanse.
Why was the Trial of Longing so empty? A strange warmth flickered within him at the thought.
Am I truly that dull… for my own trial to be nothing but a void?
He laughed quietly in his mind.
But the thought also troubled him. If longing was filled with emotion and desire, why was his supposed nirvana nothing but darkness and emptiness?
No. His mind roared as he moved through the trial.
If I keep questioning it, I will never reach it. …nirvana.
These emotions will only separate me from peace.
The peace he had yet to find.
The peace he believed he deserved.
He stepped forward again, confusion lingering in his thoughts.
Longing was desire, and desire was never empty. Everyone felt it, that restless emotion. Yet to pass the Trial of Longing, one must abandon longing entirely.
No goal. No ambition. No hope. Only then could one escape it. But without desire, there was nothing to strive for.
Nothing to endure for.
Oren glanced down at his feet and his cowardly thoughts fell silent for a split moment.
His legs looked strange.
Shorter than usual, yet somehow longer at the same time. Would that affect how quickly he reached nirvana?
His eyes darkened with unease.
Would he arrive too late? Or too early?
Moments later, he abruptly shook his head. As if for a second he had reclaimed his mind.
Why had that word even entered his thoughts?
…Nirvana.
Making him drift further down the currents of his mind, more memories flooded his consciousness.
His steps swayed, as he remembered the rigid texture of Mount Yie. It was though he could see rhe outskirt streets, and towering over the three districts like skyscraper, was the great border.
He recalled the conversation with C04.
The first assembly and sable, then the elders. Each memory unfolded within the void as though projected by his mind itself.
The scenes formed before him, as emotions flooded through him.
With time though, they slowly became blury and something indescribable happened.