Naturally, the first thing Mo Ran did upon moving into his new university-sponsored flat (he still can't believe he got that scholarship) was calling up Rong Jiu and pay him for a not-so-quick fuck that probably disturbed his new neighbors.
Naturally, the second thing he did, was kick him back out because Mo Ran doesn't actually like him, and finish unpacking his belongings into a flat way too large for a single person.
Naturally, the third thing he did was pull up the university's website, google up the professor of his introductory classes, and jerk off to him fervently, multiple times in a row, until he nearly blacked out.
Maybe that wasn't Mo Ran's most lucid moment.
And maybe he's just a teeny tiny bit more fucked than he previously thought. Not literally, because Mo Ran is the one to do the fucking, usually, but oh, what he would give to fuck that professor of his – and dear lord is that bad.
Mo Ran didn't come here to fuck his professor. Okay, alright, perhaps he did, he's-
Unsure.
If Mo Ran has ever been unsure about anything in his entire life, it's this person. Just how long ago did he meet him at this point? How old was he? Five years, right? Give or take, given that Mo Ran doesn't know his actual birthday, too young to remember it when his mother died. Memories of her are blurry these days. He misses her.
Either way- back at the orphanage, he was alone. Too hurt after his mother's death, always trying to protect himself, no amount of therapy back then helping him. He doesn't blame the other kids for being scared of him after a while, with him acting out so much. He doesn't blame the nurses either, of course; they tried their hardest. Got him the best therapists they could have, but little Mo Ran, oh, he didn't take any of that therapy talk in.
He didn't want to get better.
Mo Ran was just about ready to wither away. Without his mom, what was the point? He could've just died, and yet-
Yet, he prevailed and survived and suddenly he was five years old already. Every kid hated him because he was violent, every nurse talked behind his back, saying that he wouldn't make it, that they've tried it all. Even their cook hated him, because sometimes he'd steal food, hoard it away, because that's the rule of the street – and how do you teach a three-year old who spent his first few years living on the streets with his mother that there's more than enough food to keep him alive?
A child won't understand that they're suddenly safe, and frankly, Mo Ran still doesn't feel safe sometimes.
Especially as a child though, he didn't understand that there were good things in the world at all. Not until that day, when suddenly, there was a teenager dressed in wide, beige pants and a white hoodie way too large for him. He was standing in the kitchen as if he's always been working there and didn't suddenly appear overnight, bathed in the light of the morning sun, making wonton.
In that moment, something for Mo Ran changed. He stood in the door, the first to be awake, ready to scavenge for food in the fridge another time, but the youth in front of him had captured him more than anything else. Every thought of food had left his mind, all at once.
He looked ethereal. His hair, his clothes, his hands making those plump, soft-looking wonton, and Mo Ran knew from the get-go that he needed them.
When he approached and their eyes met – his whole world shifted, okay?
And from then on out, it was just him and that seventeen year-old boy whose voice jumped every few sentences and who sometimes looked into the distance in the same way as the child clinging to his hand.
Over the span of a year, the boy taught Mo Ran a lot. How to make wontons even though he wasn't even at school yet. How to write his name, and how to write another few, easy characters. Carrying him around and playing with him when no one else would. Sometimes, Mo Ran heard the nurses talk badly about him, but usually, they were positive, glad that someone was helping out without even taking payment.
Mo Ran knew why he was there.
He saw the hungry gaze during the first few weeks in his eyes when he saw their usual cook make breakfast and lunch and dinner. Mo Ran knew that yes – the boy was there out of goodwill first and foremost, but food didn't not play a role.
And after that year, he was gone.
Mo Ran got told that he was going to leave, at least by himself. His voice was all quiet, and not exactly sad, but still regretful.
There was a promise made.
He promised Mo Ran that he'd come visit whenever he could, and that he'd always remember him and then?
Well, that's the part Mo Ran has obsessed over for the past fifteen years. He never came back.
He never saw him again, but at the same time, he saw him in his mind every single day. Always that small smile on his face as he patted his hair and then blew one of the cooked wonton for him so that Mo Ran could take it into his small, chubby hands and bite away at it. Those eyes looking at him with nothing but kindness, the first person to not stare at him in contempt apart from his mother.
Mo Ran thought of nothing but him when he got adopted, when he first met the guy who was supposedly his cousin (spoiled little peacock brat – ugh, Mo Ran loves the guy) and his uncle and his uncle's wife. He thought only of that raspy, insecure little voice when he changed schools and then came into middle school and then high school, his life suddenly passing in a blur with Xue Meng around. And other people who looked at him like they actually liked him, now that Mo Ran tried his best to be a nice person in some way after being shown kindness by that person.
Parts of it did admittedly rush by in attempts to forget those fingers touching his and taking his hand; long nights filled with alcohol and drugs and meaningless sex, just like the one he's had with Rong Jiu just a few hours earlier, usually ending with Ye Wangxi holding his hair back when it was still longer so that he wouldn't get his own vomit in it when he was bent over the toilet. Sometimes, Xue Meng got the honour. Nangong Si refused. Mo Ran loves the guy too, he swears, but he should've just puked on his shirt back then, really.
None of it was to any avail though, and he'd never leave his mind, even when Mo Ran started and finished an apprenticeship in half the time he was meant to because if Mo Ran knew how to handle anything, it was cars. So, when Xue Zhengyong brought up that he could look into universities and that him and his wife are totally ready to finance it, and well, that's how he got here.
Because Mo Ran took it to heart, apart from the money part, so in his last six months of apprenticeship, he did his best to get the highest grades, and then went to apply to several universities and their respective scholarships.
He got accepted for three, and only then did he look into them more.
It was quick research though, because when Mo Ran typed in the name of this city and 'Mechanics', the first thing to pop up was a newspaper article about the youngest professor the university has ever had. Out of pure curiosity, Mo Ran clicked – after all, he would have to know whether a professor this young could provide good quality classes so that Mo Ran can make his adoptive family proud.
Well.
There was a picture attached to that article. Not that Mo Ran needed that picture after seeing the name, but-
It matched.
Chu Wanning looked exactly the same as he did back then. Okay, not exactly the same, of course. He'd grown up, and visibly had top surgery, considering the picture featured him wearing a well-fitted white button-up, and back then, Mo Ran distinctly remembers thinking 'huh, this doesn't feel like the chests of other guys', although it took him a while to understand. Not that he cared. Hell, Mo Ran couldn't possibly care less about whether Chu Wanning is trans or not, but there's no binder below that white button up, and the slightest shimmer of skin right below.
But his hair was exactly the same, and so was the shape of his face and the look in his eyes and the stern expression topped off by his thin lips, and Mo Ran-
He'd never been that hard in his entire life, and he accepted the university application in a single second.
Apparently, Chu Wanning is thirty-two now. Thirty-two. He started working at this university already several years ago, the news article having been old, but the maths was done quick.
So, after accepting the application and scholarship offer and making a mental note to prepare for any kind of conversations he'd have to have about it, Mo Ran, ahem, well, he beat his meat, and then stared at the ceiling with a whole turmoil of feelings inside of him.
Does Chu Wanning remember him? Is he still as kind? Did he not come because life got in between, or did he make the conscious decision not to come see him? Would he let Mo Ran dick him down until he's all out of breath and his chest is splotched with red? Would he let him kiss him until his lips are as plump as the wontons he's made?
Ever since finding out that Chu Wanning could be his teacher, it's been two months; the scholarship and everything was a last chance kind of thing with them miraculously still having a spot. He got a flat, and he moved into this flat, then had sex with Rong Jiu, then pulled up this specific picture of Chu Wanning instead, and got off.
And now, he's lying on his new bed, staring into space, and wondering just what exactly led him to make the decision to become Chu Wanning's student when this is the man he's been obsessing over horribly, the only person he really and truly wants to see. When this is the guy he's been jerking it to at least twice a day for the past two months.
When this is the man who never came back when little Mo Ran was always waiting for him, sitting at the window every free minute of his day hoping to see the familiar fluffy white hoodie appear behind the bushes of the orphanage's gateways.
No one ever came.
He's still trying to catch his breath from his last session when suddenly, he hears very distinctive sex noises from the apartment over.
Well, it's nice to know that his neighbours are also going at it like animals because he'd already felt bad about having made his introduction fucking Rong Jiu into his new mattress until he was screaming and crying, Like this, however, he supposes everything is fine. He disturbs the neighbours, and the neighbours disturb him, fine.
Nevertheless, he swiftly reaches for his phone that he dropped somewhere during his last orgasm, just for the picture of Chu Wanning being plastered on it still.
This is either the face of the man who's never forgotten him, or never remembered him.
And Mo Ran doesn't know which, but when classes start in three days, he will at least see him. He can decide then whether he's going to dedicate his life to supporting him or destroying him.
For now, all Mo Ran can do is hope that Chu Wanning remembers.
Kissing him and fucking him be damned – if he remembers him, that'd be more than enough for Mo Ran to make his entire life worth it.
Mo Ran's heart hasn't beaten this fast ever since he stole a large sum of money from that stupid kid in his middle school class who kept insulting Xue Meng for literally no reason, so Mo Ran decided to sneak back into the classroom during break and steal all the money from his wallet.
Which was a lot.
What sane parent would ever give so much money to their kid? And send them to school with it on top of that?
Once he had gotten ahold of it, Mo Ran bought himself and his little cousin ice cream, then hid the rest in the depths of his sock drawer.
Once he turned eighteen, he pulled up at Rong Jiu's with it multiple times and had a lot of sex for a lot of nights in a row. Rong Jiu is a good fuck, to be fair. Just…
A despicable person. No that Mo Ran himself is much better, so maybe that's hypocritical. In fact, he's genuinely pissed at his deskmate right now, who seems so calm compared to him, as if they aren't about to meet Chu Wanning.
Not that his deskmate would already know him, of course. There's no way this random guy was also an orphanage kid Chu Wanning took care of or something.
"What's your name?" the guy suddenly asks, a small smile on his face. To be fair, he does look very pretty. All soft, long hair, and Mo Ran gets distinct trans guy vibes from him. He can't tell why exactly, but Mo Ran has enough trans acquaintances to just know. Not a gaydar, but a transdar.
"Mo Ran," he says, "yours?"
"I'm Shi Mei. It's nice to meet you! Is this your first seminar?"
It's nine on a Monday morning. Of course this is his first damned seminar, what a question.
"Yes. Is it not yours?"
"Ah- I studied pharmacology for a semester. So I get being a little nervous. I changed to a doble major of mechanical engineering and biology now though."
Oh. Alright. So this guy is an academic weapon – funnily enough, Mo Ran isn't. He excels at mechanics, hence finishing his apprenticeship early and everything, but all the other subjects he totally sucked at. Only for his last year did he put in the effort to get good grades. That paired with his apprenticeship grades got him the scholarship, but that's about it.
"Hmm. Not really nervous about that," he shrugs, "it's whatever. Was pharmacology too hard?"
"A little," Shi Mei admits, "I was interested, but not enough."
Something about that smile on his face is a little off-putting. Mo Ran can't quite pin it down, but he will keep a look out. Maybe this Shi Mei guy is one of those students his uncle warned him about, who single out good students and then use them to help them with their own work so that they can go party instead.
(Little does Xue Zhengyong know that Mo Ran is probably going to be this kind of student.)
"I see," Mo Ran says, and while the conversation is sort of distracting, it's also getting on his nerves. Goddamnit, he doesn't give a single damn about Shi Mei. All he gives a damn about is Chu Wanning, and it's just five minutes till class starts. Just where is he?
A voice in Mo Ran's head tells him that he's seen his name on the list and decided not to teach this class or something, that he realized who he is by name alone and hated the pure thought of seeing him. And, even though he knows that's completely irrational (he's been in therapy, okay? A lot of it), it still manages to make him angry at Chu Wanning.
It's then that the door flies open.
And there he is.
And wow, all the pictures Mo Ran found of him at three in the morning last night did not do him justice.
Chu Wanning is ethereal. If Mo Ran was in any way religious, he'd think that the man in the door was an actual God. But no, he's human, and thirty-two years old, yet looking the age of a student. The only thing that makes him seem older is the way he holds himself. His head is held high, his long hair bound together in a strict ponytail, much neater than when he was seventeen. There's a sharp glint in his eyes that is equally cold and warm, his nose as angled and straight as Mo Ran remembers. His jawline is still defined, although he's definitely put on some weight ever since Mo Ran has last seen him fifteen years ago. He's wearing a white button up of some flowy material, and matching grey dress pants and a suit jacket, paired with a black leather belt and black leather shoes. Everything about him radiates an aura of strictness, diligence, and knowledge. He appears completely calm as his gaze sweeps over the students, appearing to count them, and then giving a quick nod, clearly having the correct number.
And oh, by everything Mo Ran can swear on – he wants this man destroyed. He wants to see his hair all splayed out on the mattress, those pale cheeks dusted pink, forehead sweaty. Mo Ran wants to hold his hands that quickly stroke down his button-up before walking over to the desk right in front of Mo Ran and Shi Mei. He wants to take those hands and push them right into the mattress alongside his hair, feel them tremble below his. Kiss him until his thin lips are all red. He wants to tear these stupid shoes and pants and that stupid jacket and button-up right off him and honestly just stare at him for a good hour before even doing anything to him. After that, Mo Ran can still mark him up all prettily.
Then stare at him again.
Repeat a few times until Chu Wanning has successfully forgotten his own name and only knows Mo Ran's.
His dick twitches in his pants, so he crosses his legs, and gives a cautious glance over at Shi Mei in the hope that he doesn't realize he's getting hard about his professor. Shi Mei looks much more relaxed than Mo Ran; he does also have his legs crossed, but Mo Ran doubts it's the same reason as him, and he just kind of puts his face into his hands, looking up at Chu Wanning in a probably much more normal way.
Chu Wanning's gaze flies over all of them. It stops at him and Shi Mei, funnily enough, and he gives another nod. No way. Did he recognize him? Considering that his reaction appears completely neutral, Mo Ran would assume not, though.
It's okay.
He's sure he would be able to tell.
"Alright," Chu Wanning starts, and oh, if only Mo Ran got to hear his voice in any other situation, really-
He's ought to get a grip. He won't survive the introductory seminar, the introductory lecture, and the other seminar he chose which are all taught by Chu Wanning if he gets horny at the pure sound of his voice. God.
"My name is Chu Wanning, and I'm your teacher for this class, as you probably know. As you can see, we're a small group, since it's the summer semester, so it's less people starting now. I suppose some of you have switched majors after your first semester."
Mo Ran doesn't see people nod because he's sitting first row, but he already knows it's the case for Shi Mei, so he's probably not the only one.
"Usually, it's beneficial to you that the class is small, because that way we can concentrate better on the areas you might need help with, and checking your assignments will take less time. Although, don't worry, I'm effective about feedback."
He acts so much like a teacher, and that-
That thought is so weird to Mo Ran. He's not that lanky teenager from back then anymore. There's this refined air about him, none of that insecurity left, at least at first glance. There's no oversized sweaters, no worn-out shoes, no obviously too tight bandages below whatever he was wearing.
And he can't take his eyes off him. Chu Wanning hasn't visited him in all those years, and he's probably forgotten all about him, and yet- how could he hate him? Mo Ran wants to hate him just so he can blame someone who isn't himself, but just seeing him again, in the flesh, someone so different yet undoubtedly the same?
Swallowing, he opens up a new document on his laptop. This still is a class. He will still have to do the work, because he has to keep his scholarship, and he doesn't want to risk disappointing his new family.
(Because maybe the reason Chu Wanning never came back was Mo Ran disappointing him in some way, just like he'd disappointed all the other kids and nurses and therapists.)
"I'm going to be taking attendance first thing as soon as class starts. If you come in too late and know in advance, write me an e-mail. If you don't know, I expect you to have a good explanation. Take an earlier bus if needed. If you miss too much, you will have an extra assignment at the end of the course, unless you get a doctor's note and catch up in due time."
Chu Wanning leans down to grab his own laptop from his black leather bag, some hair falling into his face that Mo Ran so direly wants to stroke out of it. His heart hasn't ever calmed down, but this isn't going to make it any better, either.
"You will get credit points and a grade based on in-class assignments and an exam at the end of the semester," he continues, "but I will explain more on that later. Today, I will go through attendance, the contents of this class, and what I expect of you, which should take up only half the time. Then, I'm taking you to the library, because you will need to know your way around it. Understood?"
Mo Ran feels himself nod mechanically as the beamer above their heads gives a tired beep, and a few seconds later, Chu Wanning's laptop screen is being shared on the wall behind him. He turns around once to check whether it's visible, and then-
And then, he reaches into his bag again, and retrieves a pair of the ugliest glasses Mo Ran has ever seen, that somehow manage to make him look even hotter. All oval and this weird bronze colour, but it still manages to compliment the colour of his narrow eyes, and Mo Ran wonders whether he could fuck him hard enough to break these glasses if Chu Wanning kept them on during sex.
"Alright. I'll take your attendance first. If I mispronounce any of your names, make sure to tell me."
He sounds all harsh and cold, but isn't this very considerate of him? A lot of teachers don't care about even learning the names of their students, let alone how to pronounce them correctly. Mo Ran's name is relatively easy, luckily, but he's had students from countries that the teachers hadn't even heard about and well, it went about as you expected. A lot of awkward fumbling, no effort made to say the name, and-
Chu Wanning might be doing the bare minimum, but he's doing it.
So, he starts going through the list, and with every letter getting closer to 'M', Mo Ran's throat gets a tiny bit more parched. That's partly because he's absolutely terrified of Chu Wanning possibly recognizing him, and partly because now, he gets to concentrate on his voice so much more. It sounds so much deeper than back then for obvious reasons, namely, Chu Wanning definitely having started to take testosterone. However, at the same time, it's still a tiny bit high; the perfect kind of high that makes it sound all soft and kind, even when his tone appears to be biting and cold.
"Mo Ran," finally resounds his name through the classroom, and Mo Ran quickly raises his hand, and says that he's there. Chu Wanning does furrow his eyebrow a little, as if deep in thought, looks at him just a bit longer than at the others, but maybe that's just Mo Ran's imagination. And, even in the case that he remembers, it's not like he could say now.
A few seconds later, he carries on.
"Shi Mei," he says, and Shi Mei perks up next to Mo Ran, with a little smile on his face.
"Yes, I'm here."
"I can see that," Chu Wanning says, and he gives a quick nod. "It's good to see you again."
Oh.
"I feel the same," Shi Mei answers, "it's been a while."
Oh.
"Hm."
With that, their conversation is over in theory, but most certainly not for Mo Ran. What the fuck do those two mean – seeing him again? It's been a while? They know each other?
Alright, Mo Ran knows he's a jealous and possessive person, and all his friends have very much told him when he got too much about both them, and about Chu Wanning, since he did tell Ye Wangxi about him, for example. But this is a whole new kind of jealousy erupting from deep within him, and the pure hatred he immediately feels for this stupid fucking 'Shi Mei' guy is a whole other level, too.
Mo Ran tries his best not to stare at him or anything, because that'd be rude, and he can be better than that, at least, but he feels so actively terrified right now.
They know each other.
He's still stuck up on that when Chu Wanning actually starts the class.
*
"How do you know him?"
Mo Ran knows that his smile probably looks very fake, but that's okay, because Shi Mei's smile also looks kind of fake when he looks up at him at the whispered question, considering they're in the very back of the small group of students that Chu Wanning is currently leading through the library. Shi Mei doesn't need the instructions, so Mo Ran doesn't feel bad about distracting him, and he can have Ye Wangxi or Nangong Si explain things to him if needed.
"You mean Professor Chu?"
"Yes. You were acting like you know each other earlier."
"Ah, it's kind of an embarrassing story," Shi Mei whispers back, "you see, my parents died when I was quite young."
No. This is not the direction Mo Ran was hoping this was going to go into. He was hoping for an 'oh I helped out at a university festival last semester and we happened to talk for five seconds', or an "ah I met him in the bookstore the other day and bought the book he wanted and made him hate me', both of which were not at all in line with the conversation they had in the classroom, but if Mo Ran wants to be delusional, then he'll be delusional – please and thank you.
"So I lived at an orphanage ever since I was young and I didn't get adopted, so we met when I was in middle school and he did charity work at the place for a bit. He moved for his PHD later, though."
So that wasn't too long ago, and Chu Wanning very clearly remembers him and-
What the fuck? Why the actual hell does he share his whole damned backstory with this random guy who just so happens to be in his Mechanical Engineering Introduction class?
Mo Ran stops dead in the track and just looks Shi Mei up and down once. He's much shorter than him. Almost frail. Mo Ran did later on see the small trans flag badge on his jacket even before he put it on; now, it's visible, attached to the collar of the green cord jacket. So yeah, Mo Ran's transdar was on point, but whatever.
Not the issue at hand.
The issue at hand is that both of them know Chu Wanning for the exact same reason, except that Shi Mei met him a lot later than him, and that Chu Wanning only remembers one of them.
Or, maybe, he does remember Mo Ran, actually, and is just acting like he doesn't because he doesn't want to bother.
Given the cold air around him, that might just be the case, and Chu Wanning might actually just hate the thought of that grimy little kid who kept urging him to make him more wonton.
(But could that small smile on his lips every time Mo Ran asked for more of them really have been fake?)
"…I see," he responds, absolutely not caring about how cold is voice might be sounding right now. It's hard to get himself to care when Shi Mei also just looks so-
Well, not obnoxious. He doesn't look obnoxious or anything; it's just that, in Mo Ran's eyes, he now is obnoxious simply because he also knew Chu Wanning once.
He really had the worst of luck.
"Alright, class," Chu Wanning's voice suddenly resounds from where he's circled back to the library's entrance. "We're going back to the classroom, so you can grab your stuff and leave. I'm assuming I'm going to see you all again tomorrow for the introductory lecture."
Slowly, everyone nods; while Chu Wanning was introducing the library, some got a bit intimidated by him, and Mo Ran gets it. He looks a little scary and cold, but Mo Ran has seen too much of him to be scared. He's seen him come out of the toilets with red eyes. He's seen him be way too early for work one too many times, as if he was waiting to get into a warm house. He's seen him smile just a little when his voice suddenly started breaking.
He's had him pat his hair before when Mo Ran nearly reached for an uncooked wonton, telling him that he still has to wait.
So how could Mo Ran possibly be scared of him?
…Except he's scared of the fact that Chu Wanning hates him and doesn't want to remember him, and these thoughts accompany him all the way to the classroom. Everyone picks their stuff up, and Chu Wanning says his goodbyes once more, except he adds something else.
"Shi Mei, Mo Ran, do you two have roughly ten minutes?"
Mo Ran freezes from where he had just grabbed his laptop in order to close it and stuff it back into his bag. Instead, his hand stops mid-motion and just hovers awkwardly above it.
"Of course," Shi Mei answers, and Mo Ran only manages a mechanical nod. He feels like there's a joke to be made between his mechanical nod and what he studies. He doesn't have that joke in him right now.
"Good. Sit down."
The other students slowly but surely leave the classroom, and Mo Ran and Shi Mei sit down in their respective seats, Chu Wanning right in front of them.
"I quickly wanted to talk about your scholarships with you."
Okay. So it's not about personal life at all. Does Chu Wanning genuinely not remember him? There's no hint of recognition in his eyes at all. And – well. Mo ran was five. Well, six in the end. He was young as hell. It's been fifteen years, almost. Not even his name is still the same. Well, his given name is, but just how many 'Ran's are out there, really?
He can't blame him, but maybe he can, and the fact he doesn't know is driving him wild.
"Yes!" Shi Mei says immediately, and Chu Wanning's face does soften a little bit, but he appears to not give him any more special treatment for now. If they catch up, they better do it in private, because otherwise, Mo Ran might have to kill a man.
And that would definitely endanger his scholarship.
"I'm not going to treat you in any special way just because you've received the scholarship, but I need you to be aware of the fact that you need to get the correct grades in order to keep it. I suppose you are both aware of that."
Once more, Mo Ran can just nod. With Chu Wanning's eyes fixated on him, it's like everything flies straight out of his mind. He swallows, and feels their eyes meet until he jolts.
"Yes, of course," Shi Mei answers for both of them, a little too eagerly. He clears his throat once. "I'll be trying my best obviously."
"You changed from pharmacology, right? What made you change your major?"
"Ah," Shi Mei starts, "I started it because it seemed like something I'd like at first. My bigger brother studies pharmacology, and it seemed very interesting but… it wasn't perfect for me. I didn't get into medicine, either, so I chose biology and mechanical engineering in the hope to still work in the field and maybe provide some kind of new inventions."
Chu Wanning nods, although he furrows his eyebrows a little bit.
"I hope you'll still apply yourself even if this isn't your first choice. You might still be able to study medicine once you've finished even just biology. If you put in enough effort, you can do a double major, though. You might take a semester or two longer, but overall that'd still be shorter."
"I know," Shi Mei says, and Mo Ran can't help but think that he's just yapping. He narrows his eyes a little and gives him a sideglance, hoping that neither Chu Wanning nor Shi Mei will notice. "I have enough savings for a year if I have to. I'll be saving up the scholarship money, too. My big brother might be able to support me if needed, too. I'll work very hard."
Once more, Chu Wanning nods.
"That's good. You, Mo Ran? Is Mechanical Engineering your first choice? I see you're already twenty?"
"Ah-"
Suddenly, talking feels weirdly hard. This is Chu Wanning. It's still so hard to wrap his head around. Chu Wanning, in the flash, right in front of him. He needs to get a grip.
"Yes I- did an apprenticeship first. But my employer, teachers, and my uncle all agreed I should go to university. I'm not sure I really needed the scholarship but, uh- I didn't want my uncle to have to pay, since my cousin is going to university next year, too. So I applied and got it."
"Did you finish school early?"
"…I finished the apprenticeship early. I know my way around cars and that stuff."
His voice sounds all stumbled and meek, and Mo Ran hates it so much. Chu Wanning once more furrowing his eyebrows doesn't help. Has he said something wrong?
"That will probably help you. Practical knowledge is a good thing. Either way. Both of you will be under more pressure regardless of how good your grades are. I cannot tutor you personally because that would be unfair, but there's upperclassmen that are willing to tutor first-years, so if either of you feels the need for one, you can contact me and I'll ask around. Apart from that, if you need self-study resources, I can help find them."
…Would this man really have ignored him on purpose? Surely, he's actually forgotten, right? He doesn't remember Mo Ran. He's still the same. He acts all cold and everything, his voice all monotonous and harsh, which was the reason some of the kids really didn't like him – but… he cares.
Chu Wanning cares, and he clearly cares about his students, too. It's so hard to be mad at him so unfairly, when-
When he could just be mad at Shi Mei instead! What a genius idea.
Mo Ran mentally claps himself on the shoulder, then redirects his attention to the conversation, because Shi Mei has long affirmed that he will gladly accept any help once he needs it, while Mo Ran has-
"Mo Ran."
He snaps out of it, staring right at Chu Wanning's throat all openly. Chu Wanning very pointedly rearranges his collar a little as if made uncomfortable by his stare.
"Yes?"
"Do you need any help right off the bat?"
"Uh… probably not," he says, "I'll try myself. If not I'll- let you know."
"Hmm," Chu Wanning makes, then reaches for his bag. "I expect you both to study hard to stay in the program, be this your first choice or not. I will still have to grade you fairly, so don't expect me to treat you any differently just because you have scholarships. You're excused."
And with that, he just gives them another nod, and leaves the two of them to awkwardly stand around in the room with exactly no chance to ask him about anything else at all.
Something inside of him is urging him on to chase after him, hearing the footsteps disappear in the hallway, but he's too stunned. And too scared.
Because as much as Mo Ran keeps trying to hate Chu Wanning for not remembering him, he doesn't manage, and deep down, he knows that he's just scared that he has completely forgotten him, that this isn't about recognizing him but having erased him from his memory, when Mo Ran has been the one clinging to the memory of Chu Wanning just so he could survive.
And how would he survive if Chu Wanning doesn't remember that child clinging to his legs anymore?
"I had a feeling you'd come here directly after class. Come in. Anything you need?"
"Alcohol? A joint? Cocaine?"
"I have exactly none of those at home," Ye Wangxi replies, and steps aside to let Mo Ran into the room. He walks in, although mildly dejected now that he knows that past the doorstep, there's no mood-altering substances that could take his mind off things for even just half an hour or something.
"Usually you have at least some wine."
"Not today. We just drank the last of it yesterday," Ye Wangxi explains, "Nangong Si is gonna buy some on his way home from class. So if you're still here by then..."
"Hopefully not," Mo Ran grunts, "need to go shopping myself, I haven't gotten to do that yet. I've been living off instant noodles, and I miss cooking."
Admittedly, cooking is perhaps his only positive coping mechanism, and he probably should be doing that instead of getting wasted on a Monday night when he has class again tomorrow morning. Given Ye Wangxi's little concerned glance, he's probably right. It's fine. He will just cook and then jerk off to the mental image of Chu Wanning looking at him in person for at least three times, probably.
Ugh, he hates himself.
"I won't buy anything for Mo Ran to get himself wasted with," Nangong Si sighs from where he's putting on shoes at the kitchen table, tying them up next to his packed bag. "Been there done that, ended in poor Xue Meng getting vomited on."
Yeah, Mo Ran would rather not get reminded of it. Every time him and Xue Meng argue, all Xue Meng has to bring up is when Mo Ran threw up on his expensive button-up, and he automatically wins.
His mom and dad just laugh it off these days, like it's a funny memory of fourteen-year-old Mo Ran being a little stupid and not knowing his limits when really, it was just good old self-destructive behavior. Well, nowadays, he cooks instead of getting wasted.
Most of the time, at least.
"Stop bringing this up," Mo Ran says, taking off his own shoes and placing them neatly next to Ye Wangxi's. "I didn't do it on purpose."
"I know," Nangong Si replies, getting up, grabbing his back, walking towards Mo Ran, and then ruffling his hair once. "You love him too much to throw up on him, that much's obvious."
Mo Ran doesn't like it when Nangong Si actively acts older than him, even though he obviously is. It's still annoying as hell. He'd prefer to be the older one out of the two for the sole sake of having yet another annoying little brother, but apparently, he has to make do with Xue Meng.
"Alright, I'm off, you two. Please deal with his crisis to the best of your ability. Call his dad over if needed," Nangong Si instructs his girlfriend, who just looks at Mo Ran very tiredly, as if she's already got enough of whatever he's about to say now that he's seen Chu Wanning again; then, he's out of the door.
Ye Wangxi and Nangong Si are the only ones who know of the whole deal with Chu Wanning, namely because…
Well, because they were the ones to take care of Mo Ran and ask him why he overdid it so much the night he puked all over Xue Meng's expensive fucking shirt. They also sat on the ambulance with him when Ye Wangxi eventually called it against Mo Ran's will because he was fading in and out of consciousness.
(Effectively, the hospital didn't do anything, and they just let him sober up and throw up all over the hospital's white bedsheets, too.)
And well, Mo Ran spilled the entire backstory, so now that they know anyways, he might as well bother them with it.
He hasn't even told Xue Zhengyong yet. He hasn't even managed that much.
"…Sit down," Ye Wangxi says though, giving him a little smile and gesturing at the table. "Can I offer you something that isn't a drug? Apple juice? Water? Coke? The drinkable kind, I mean."
"…I'll take apple juice," Mo Ran says, because everyone who knows Mo Ran even just a little knows that he loves apple juice a lot.
Chu Wanning would know that, too, if he remembered him.
"Alright," she says, grabbing the bottle from the fridge and then pouring Mo Ran a glass. He doesn't let his guard down around a lot of people; barely even around the people that consider him family. Mo Ran would love to consider them family, too, but he knows that he doesn't deserve that much.
But with Ye Wangxi, it's always been okay. He met her when she was right about to start her transition and they hit it off pretty well – mostly because sixteen-year old Ye Wangxi was a bit worried about a thirteen year-old being at the queer club, so she took care of him already back then. However, she then got attacked by some transphobic asshole twice Mo Ran's size, and Mo Ran very well got that guy the fuck into hospital.
(Not that he needed to. Ye Wangxi can beat up people by herself just fine.)
They met again a day later at the police station to file reports and stuff, and a week after, they met at the doctor's office because they managed to have an awful stomach flu on the same day, and exchanged their numbers thinking it was fate that they'd met again that day.
"How'd it go with him?"
"…He doesn't remember me."
"Because you're suddenly an adult man. He spent a year taking care of you, of course he still remembers you."
Mo Ran takes a sip of the apple juice and just lets it run down his throat for a bit. It tastes really good.
"Still. Clearly he remembers… Shi Mei."
"…Shi Mei," Ye Wangxi echoes, the name resting on her tongue for a few seconds until she shakes her head, clearly not recognizing it. "Who's that?"
Mo Ran grits his teeth and drinks his apple juice a little more aggressively still.
"Some- guy. Also on a scholarship. Used to study pharmacology but definitely switched to flirt with Chu Wanning. Apparently he's also an orphan who happened to be in an orphanage that Chu Wanning worked at later. Don't make friends with him, he's trans."
"…Uh," Ye Wangxi starts, staring at Mo Ran a bit dumbfoundedly, "I don't make friends with people just because they're trans."
Mo Ran is too tired to discuss that everyone in her friend group is trans apart from him and Nangong Si. And it's not the topic at hand, anyways.
"Either way, he's got the same damned villain origin story as me and I'm not liking that at all. And Chu Wanning- he remembers him. He does. But not me."
"Mo Ran, you don't even have the same name anymore," she tries to argue, reaching out across the table to manually peel his fingers off the glass of apple juice since she doesn't exactly want it destroyed, or wants the apple juice to spill out all over the table given how much Mo Ran is starting to tremble.
Once she's succeeded, she grabs his hand instead – good that Nangong Si has already left, because Mo Ran feels like the guy might just have freaked out at that. A bit possessive and stuff, but he's a good guy. He knows as much.
"Probably because he met him way, way later and he still looks the same. Also I doubt he's got the exact same background as you. And you're not a villain, that's your Borderline Personality Disorder talking."
"Don't weaponize my diagnoses against me, it's not my fault I've got those."
Ye Wangxi pats his hand a bit and then grabs his other, too.
"It's alright, that's why I'm here to rationalize your thoughts a little. He doesn't remember you because you were five years old, Mo Ran. That's all. If you talked to him about it, he'd remember you. He took care of you for an entire year. Of course he'd remember you."
Mo Ran grabs his phone from his pocket, not really ready to accept his best friend's attempt at rationalizing his thoughts and feelings quite yet. He knows she's probably right, but it won't sink in yet, so he just has to sit his feelings out first.
He taps on his photos and quickly retrieves the one photo he has left over from that time; the picture frame holding it is hidden away in his wardrobe, but he made sure to take a few pictures of it that he's saved to several online clouds, just to make sure that he doesn't lose it. Chu Wanning is on the photo, looking all soft in one of his big white sweaters and dark grey jeans, holding Mo Ran in his arm. It's one of the few photos Mo Ran has of himself where he's smiling. Chu Wanning isn't smiling, but he doesn't look unhappy by any means, either. And yeah, maybe Ye Wangxi is kind of right. Chu Wanning doesn't appear like someone that could genuinely hate someone, right? Unless he's changed, but he probably hasn't.
He cares a lot about his students, no matter how strict he sounds, and Mo Ran just-
He just-
"I need to fuck him so bad it actually hurts. I had a boner all through class."
Immediately, Ye Wangxi retracts the hand she still had on Mo Ran's and chokes on her own spit, breaking out into a whole coughing fit.
"Listen," Mo Ran says, raising both of his hands as if to defend himself, "he's so hot. Even when he speaks a bit condescendingly, he's so beautiful, he's actually ethereal, he looks like a God, you wouldn't understand."
"…No. You're right," she concedes, "I wouldn't understand that, because I'm not in love with him. Seriously, Mo Ran – he recognized Shi Mei, right? He talked to him about it briefly, I assume?"
"He- said that he's glad Shi Mei is there."
"See? I'm sure they'll even catch up or something-"
Mo Ran punches the poor, innocent kitchen table for something it's never done.
"I sure hope they aren't."
"Let me finish, Mo Ran," Ye Wangxi sighs. She brings both her hands to her head and rubs her temples for a while before actually finishing, clearly done with him already. "What I meant to imply is that – well, first of all, those two are also allowed to catch up."
"No, they're not. Shi Mei is a false little bitch."
"Mo Ran- you've met him one single time. God, drink some more apple juice, maybe that'll calm you down."
As obediently as a dog, Mo Ran does take another few sips. It calms him down just a tiny bit, actually, and he huffs out a small breath.
"Anyways. Shi Mei aside, what I meant by mentioning him is that I'm sure Chu Wanning would love to catch up with you if only you talked to him about this. He's basically right here in front of you. Just tell him that you have something to ask him after class, on your own. Or send him an e-mail if you don't want to do it in person."
"…No," Mo Ran says, forming his hands into fists again and glaring at his apple juice as if it's what tore Chu Wanning and him apart. "I can't possibly do that. I just- I can't. I can't."
"And why?" Ye Wangxi asks, her voice going all soft. Now, seemingly recovered from Mo Ran saying that he wants to dick Chu Wanning the fuck down, she clasps his fists in her hands and smiles at him. "Because you're too scared that he's going to reject you because he secretly hates you? Because you're scared that he sees you as the same weak child from back then, and even finds out that you are?"
She says the last part with a lot of love, and that means a lot to Mo Ran. That someone is willing to like him even if deep down, he's just a wounded child. If anyone but her was saying this to him, he'd probably beat them black and blue.
"No," he says, but both of them know that she's hit the nail right on the head with this one.
*
Right when Mo Ran starts cutting up an eggplant for dinner, the doorbell rings. He's in a better mood now that he's talked it over with Ye Wangxi, even if there's no solution; or well, there is. He's decided to just keep observing Chu Wanning for now and not… outright hate him from the start. Wow, all of his previous therapists would be so proud of him. So, he even whistles a little as he makes for the door.
If he's honest, Mo Ran is totally expecting his neighbour. Well, one of them either way; he's just never really seen the other one.
Only heard them yesterday. Both of them, to be exact. It's fine; Mo Ran wasn't exactly quiet with Rong Jiu, either, so it's whatever. At least they don't fuck to classical western music like the neighbours from his apprenticeship dorm room.
The neighbour he has talked to is quite chatty, but definitely very nice from what he can tell. One of these days, Mo Ran should make sure to invite them over for some food, considering that cooking is his favourite hobby these days.
(Only after seething quietly, though. Only then is cooking fun.)
However, when he opens the door, he isn't met with that beaming smile, but another one.
"Ran-er!"
Before Mo Ran can even greet his uncle back, there's already a large hand coming down on him and reaching for his hair to give it a good ruffle.
"Alright, alright, sorry for not being able to help you much with the move, but now show me your flat! Your auntie's already berated me for not having visited you yet, but ah, I've been giving my new assistant an introduction over the past few days an the regular introductory events, so it's been busy."
"It's fine," Mo Ran says, and really, he never expects Xue Zhengyong to do anything for him at all. He's not his dad after all. Not his biological one, at least. He doesn't have any responsibilities towards him, and Mo Ran treats everything he does do for him as a present. Ye Wangxi scolds him for that a lot. Xue Zhengyong scolds him for it a lot. His aunt scolds him for it a lot. Even Xue Meng scolds him for it sometimes – in a mean way, but Mo Ran knows it's meant with love. Doesn't mean it doesn't rile him up in the moment, though.
"Nah, it isn't, but I'm glad you understand anyways," he says, ruffling his hair once more, then letting himself in and closing the door.
"Alright, show me your flat, Ran-er."
He's so warm. Mo Ran still isn't sure he deserves this warmth, but if it's offered to him, then what's he meant to do? Reject it, when the other possibility is clinging to it for as long as he's allowed to instead?
"Well, here's the kitchen. I was just about to cook. You can stay for dinner if you want to?"
"Ah, I'd love to take you up on the offer, but I'm already meeting up with a friend today, so we're going out. Any other day though, feel free to invite me over!"
"It's alright, you can just drop by. I'm planning to cook for two days each, so you might as well just drop by whenever and you're going to be there at the right time. Where are you and your friend going?"
"That Japanese place down the road. He's not that good with spicy food, so I figured Japanese would be fine."
"Have you told me about that friend yet?"
Suddenly, Xue Zhengyong grins a little bit.
"Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever mentioned his name. But you've met him today."
If Mo Ran was holding anything, he'd drop it. Well, at least his hands open up automatically.
Met him today. Bad with spicy food.
There's no way.
"You're friends with Chu Wanning?"
It comes out a little harsher and angrier than he means to; rationally, Mo Ran knows that Xue Zhengyong isn't at fault for any of this, but his brain is still trying to convince him that's the case somehow. He takes in a deep breath. No acting out. He's not doing himself a favour by doing that, and he's long grown sick and tired of hurting people. He's worked on this.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to sound angry," he manages to push out from between clenched teeth. He gets his hair ruffled again for that – he really has to comb it.
"No worries, no worries. Angry with him already? Did he already manage to piss you off?"
Oh, pissing him off is an understatement actually; in fact, Chu Wanning left him with only a short information the day before he left, and then he just… left. And never came back, despite promising him to do so.
That's more than pissing him off.
(It's been tearing him apart from the inside for the past fifteen years, to be exact.)
"I know he can come off as really harsh and cold," Xue Zhengyong says, voice a bit quieter now, "but he's a good guy. I met him because he took one of my German courses, actually, because there was a kid in one of the orphanages he works at over the weekends that only spoke German, so he wanted to be able to converse with them at least a little bit."
Of course. Because it's Chu Wanning. Because of course he'd try to learn an entire language for a single child.
Because he hasn't fucking changed and Mo Ran so desperately just wants to talk to him and make sure he knows that he saved his life and kiss him and pound him into the mattress until he forgets his own name.
"Yeah. He sounds a bit harsh sometimes."
Mo Ran knows that it's because he's autistic. He couldn't care less. He's fully aware, and he knows that Xue Zhengyong is trying to imply exactly that right now without saying anything against Chu Wanning's will, but Mo Ran knows.
Xue Zhengyong just isn't aware that, before he adopted him, Chu Wanning worked at his orphanage, and he talked a bit to Mo Ran about being autistic and the like. So he knows. He's always known.
"He doesn't mean to be. He's quite strict though. So make sure to study a lot, alright? But anyway, yeah, he's a good guy deep down, and a very good teacher. You'll learn a lot from him. So make an effort, alright?"
This time, his hair gets spared, and instead, his shoulder gets pat.
"I will," Mo Ran says, "I swear. I don't think- he's a bad person or anything like that."
Just someone who broke his promise. And even if he didn't break it voluntarily, he still did break it. That doesn't change.
He has a right to be upset, no matter what.
"Alright, alright, enough talk about your professor, you'll get to know him well enough in the next few years all by yourself."
Oh, Mo Ran quietly thinks to himself, his uncle has no idea just how intimately he'd love to know Chu Wanning because holy fucking shit has he grown up to be beautiful.
So, instead of disclosing the details of just how Mo Ran would like to finger the professor that also happens to be his adoptive father's friend into literal oblivion, he starts introducing said adoptive father to his new student accommodation.
It's been two weeks ever since the start of the semester, and Chu Wanning has never been that stressed in his entire life. Okay, that's a lie for so many reasons. First of all, he had it much worse as a teenager, and in general, he should be very grateful for having a stable, well-paying job that he enjoys doing. The issue is just that it's been a lot more stressful than usually.
He's supervising five separate theses this semester, because he couldn't bear to not accept any of them when the students were so adamant on having him do it, so he's out and about just meeting those students every now and again to talk to them. All of them are doing well though, so that's great.
Then, he's also been working overtime at the orphanage he's working at because one of the actual workers that's there for the money got a sinus infection, and Chu Wanning has accepted to work overtime for no money because he absolutely refuses to accept money for this job.
Alas, he hasn't slept a lot in the past two weeks, and his only sanctuary has been Xue Zhengyong. Not that Chu Wanning likes spending time with a lot of people, but Xue Zhengyong is weirdly fine. He still returns home a little tired and worn out when he goes out to eat with him, but he at least has a good time with him. The guy does nothing but boast about his two sons these days. Xue Meng is apparently trying to apply to the same university in order to study business so he can take over his mother's company one day, which Chu Wanning agrees is a great aspiration. And Mo Ran-
Chu Wanning would rather not think about Mo Ran.
For so many reasons.
First of all, he's a bit of a nuisance simply because of how much Xue Zhengyong talks about him, but it's all just pure and utter nonsense and nothing that actually teaches Chu Wanning anything about what the boy is meant to be like when he's not in class.
Not that he's interested.
But no, it's mostly just him being proud of his cooking, him being proud of Mo Ran having gotten a scholarship, him being proud of Mo Ran having rescued a squirrel when he was ten years old and well… Chu Wanning isn't sure whether that's enough for him. Again, though – not that he's interested. Because why would he be interested in his twenty-years-old student?
Why would he be interested in his very hot twenty-years-old student saving a little squirrel with those large hands of his?
…And why would Chu Wanning have really weird dreams about that student and said hands?
"Prof!"
Chu Wanning feels himself flinch when he hears that voice, and he turns around to see the culprit of whatever those godforsaken dreams have been about. It's that beaming smile that usually, he sees as a snarky one when he dreams; teeth glinting almost dangerously before they lower themselves towards his neck and bite, before fingers find places on Chu Wanning's body that he has only ever touched out of pure necessity back when he started HRT and he would otherwise not have been able to concentrate.
And he certainly has never had these kinds of dreams before.
"What."
Truly, he doesn't mean his voice to come out this cold and judgy, but it's the only way he can hide the embarrassment below that extra layer.
Because he's thirty-two years old, and he shouldn't be having those kinds of thoughts about his student who's twenty. His only consolation is that Mo Ran is at least not freshly eighteen – but still. He's way too young.
"Huh? Uh, nothing in particular. Just fancy seeing you here."
"Of course you're seeing me here. We have class in ten minutes."
Mo Ran gives him another one of those smiles that send shocks right down Chu Wanning's spine, before he grabs his energy drink from the vending machine. Chu Wanning has no idea why kids these days drink this stuff. He tried it once, and even though he's very, very partial to sweet stuff, it just made him kind of sick. He doesn't see the appeal. Also, if Mo Ran just slept properly, he wouldn't need an energy drink. He seems like the type of guy who plays video games past midnight.
Chu Wanning would love to ask. The fact that he would love to ask scares the living hell out of him.
"Yeah, yeah, obviously, but you know, makes professors seem more human, buying drinks and stuff."
He chooses not to comment and just steps towards the vending machine once Mo Ran has taken a safe distance from it to get a single bottle of water that he pays for very swiftly.
Makes him seem more human. Chu Wanning has heard that one often enough. All about how cold he is, how he doesn't display emotions the way he should, all of it. He's heard it all. He's equally bored and sick of it.
(And tries to convince himself that he doesn't care, but he knows for a fact that he does care. It does hurt, the comment, but he chooses to act like it doesn't hurt at all.)
"We going to the classroom, then?" Mo Ran asks, apparently waiting for him, and ugh – Chu Wanning can't do this.
"I am going to the classroom," he announces, refusing to even look into Mo Ran's eyes because – what the hell is he meant to do? Admit to himself that the usage of a plural pronoun makes him feel all fuzzy on the inside? That it makes him long for something that reasonably could never be, given the fact that he's himself, and that this is his literal student?
"Alright. Then I'll follow you," Mo Ran says, as if he's so completely undisturbed by his demeanor. Now, Chu Wanning can't help it after all. He throws a little glance over his shoulder to take a look at the man.
His short hair is gelled back just a little bit today, his dimples showing with that stupid smile that's still stuck on his stupidly handsome face. He's wearing a dark blue button up and a black pullover above it, but both of those clothes articles are still very… tight. Very much putting on display that Mo Ran appears to be working out regularly, given how well-toned his chest looks even below such dark clothing. His jeans are light blue, and he's rolled them up a few times so that they're far above his dark blue sneakers.
He looks good.
Upon realizing that Chu Wanning literally just checked out another man, he feels a very awful blush surface onto his face, but since he's still walking in front of Mo Ran, it doesn't matter that much, since he can just turn around to make sure Mo Ran doesn't see.
…He'd still have seen him looking him up and down though.
This is bad. All of this is so bad.
"Hey, prof."
"What?" Chu Wanning spits, absolutely refusing to turn around this time, given that teasing edge in Mo Ran's voice.
"You drink only water in the morning? No coffee, nothing?"
Why the hell should he answer him? He's his student.
Alright, he's his very hot student that Chu Wanning has had very explicit dreams about; specifically about his fingers because he keeps seeing them type away on his laptop and it's very distracting during class. It makes Chu Wanning imagine where else these fingers could be and- God.
Those are not things he should be imagining about his student. He's thirty-two, for hell's sake. He's a university professor with a pretty high position by now. He works weekend and night shifts at the local orphanage because Chu Wanning has been doing that ever since he was a teenager, because it's one of the reasons he left home, so he was going to live up to his words and actually help people.
(He wonders where that little kid from back then is. From the first orphanage he's ever worked at. He was very attached to him. Chu Wanning still thinks about him a lot. No one has ever appreciated his… mediocre cooking ever since then.)
He has his own flat. He has his own cat, too, and she's probably missing him direly.
(Much like that small boy from back then, Plum is attached to his hip. Not that Chu Wanning minds, because she's a cat. She's very friendly, barely ever scratches him, hasn't tried to escape not even once, and he does take her on walks since she loves being outside so much. She doesn't drain him like most people do.)
So, summarized – Chu Wanning is an independent, thirty-two years old man. He has exactly no reason to have a crush on his student.
Even just the thought that he does, in fact, have a crush on his student, is horrible.
But it's been two weeks, and Chu Wanning doesn't think that he can reasonably hide it from himself. Even on the first day, he came home, unable to think about anything but Mo Ran, and he felt like he was being very unfair on poor Shi Mei, who had probably been looking forward to seeing him. It's okay, because he's caught up a little bit with Shi Mei by now, but admittedly not a lot.
Professors interacting too much with their students doesn't look very good a lot of the times.
"It's none of your concern what I drink in the morning," he eventually answers, because whether he has a crush or not doesn't matter – it shouldn't concern Mo Ran whether he drinks coffee or tea or water for breakfast.
…He doesn't even have breakfast most days.
"Ah," Mo Ran says with a little laugh in his voice that Chu Wanning could almost delude himself into thinking is a disappointed laugh, "that's fine, that's fine, you don't gotta tell. Was just trying to make conversation."
Oh, so that's why he was asking the weird question.
Now it's Chu Wanning's turn to actually be disappointed. For a second, he almost let himself believe that Mo Ran is actually interested in him. Of course he's not, because why would he be?
Chu Wanning needs to stop assuming that people care. He knows that Xue Zhengyong cares, at least, even if… not in a way that is more significant than a loose friend, probably. Maybe he does care more. He's not exactly going to ask.
However, that stupid disappointment does quickly turn into some weird kind of anger just because-
Because Chu Wanning wants him to care. He wants him to care about this so much. Which is stupid, because he's only known Mo Ran for two weeks. He's his student. Twelve years younger than him. And no one is ever going to love him, and it's stupid that he'd ever dare assume otherwise.
"Green tea," he spits out between gritted teeth, embarrassment soon flooding him since he's actually giving an answer to this pointless question, "usually. I don't like coffee much. I've already had green tea at home, so I'm having water now."
"Ah, I see," Chu Wanning doesn't dare turn around even when it sounds like there's a huge smile on Mo Ran's face as he says that, "green tea is very good. Admittedly, I prefer black tea, but I overslept a little today, so- Energy drink it is."
"Go to bed earlier."
"…Huh?"
Ugh, he's already overstepping his boundaries, so whatever.
"If you go to bed early enough, you're not going to oversleep. Young people these days."
Sadly, they've just reached the door to the classroom, so Chu Wanning fishes the keys for it out of his pocket, which means that he has to come to a stop, Mo Ran very close behind him.
It feels like he's looming over him or something; he's so much taller than him. Probably a lot stronger, too, given how buff he looks like this. He could so easily trap him beneath him and-
His hand twitches, still in his pocket, and Chu Wanning thinks that he actually just might want to die. These thoughts need to stop. All of these thoughts very much need to stop.
So, he rips out the key with the sole goal to shut his mind up, opening the door as fast as he can.
"I did go to sleep early," Mo Ran sighs behind him, "but then I wasn't able to actually fall asleep, so there was nothing I could really do about this. Hence, the energy drink is going to save me today, or else I might just fall asleep during your seminar."
That one makes Chu Wanning turn around to him again, even though he's just snapped the door open. It creaks a little as it opens up.
"If you fall asleep during my seminar, you will have to do extra homework."
Mo Ran's smile is all teeth and dimples again when he looks down at him, raising the red-and-green can of energy drink and dangling it in front of Chu Wanning's face for a few seconds.
"And that's why I've got this baby."
Chu Wanning steps through the door to not deal with the fact that his mind desperately wants to insert a comma into the sentence and make it 'and that's why I've got this, baby'.
He has never felt that way about anyone. He wouldn't call it 'love', but it's… yeah. It's probably a crush. A very bad crush.
Because his smile is straight up killing Chu Wanning right now.
"Just make sure not to fall asleep," he grumbles, then drops his bag at his desk and starts booting up both his laptop and his beamer.
Mo Ran settles down in his usual space right in front of him, also taking out his laptop and turning it on apparently. He also grabs a notebook and a pen, since his laptop seems to be an older one that you can't draw on with your hand.
He is a diligent student, from what Chu Wanning can tell, to be fair. Always paying attention, and even when he seemingly doesn't pay attention, looking kind of distracted sometimes, his notes and homework from the first two weeks were very much perfect. Well, there were some small mistakes, but it's mistakes that Chu Wanning is used to, and that students get over latest after their second semester because they'll constantly be faced with them, so he's not too concerned.
Like this, he at least gets to look at him a little bit, with Mo Ran doing something on his laptop, and other students slowly walking in.
Something about him looks a bit familiar, actually, which is probably the fact that he's lived with Xue Zhengyong and his family for ages by now. Chu Wanning does know that he's adopted, but he must've also adopted some of their mannerism after a while.
"Good morning," another voice suddenly says, as Shi Mei drops down next to Mo Ran, a coffee in his hand as opposed to Mo Ran's energy drink. He does also look a bit tired, but still smiles when Chu Wanning nods at him.
No, seeing Shi Mei is weirdly grounding to Chu Wanning, because first of all, he's known him for several years now, and secondly, he doesn't make him unreasonably…
(Horny. Chu Wanning does not dare think of himself as 'horny'.)
"Good morning, Shi Mei," he says, and watches as Shi Mei scrambles to grab his laptop, since he only has a minute left until class starts.
All students come in on time, except for one, but Chu Wanning received an e-mail in the morning about the student being sick, so he's excused, as long as he can provide a doctor's letter for him during the next class.
"Alright, I'll be taking attendance, then," he says grabbing one of the printed sheets this time because he likes to do both, and he forgot to open up the digital one before class, so for time's sake, he'll stick to the printed attendance sheet this time.
His eyes fly over the first name, and he raises his hand, only to realize that he does, in fact, not have a pen.
For a few seconds, he just stares at the sheet. He could pull it up on laptop, but that would arguably take more time than just asking the first row for a pen. Gritting his teeth, Chu Wanning forces himself to ask for the sake of this class.
"Can anyone lend me a pen? I seem to have forgotten mine."
"Sure," Mo Ran and Shi Mei say in utter unison, but it's Mo Ran who first stretches out his arm towards Chu Wanning, so he takes it automatically, even when Shi Mei tries to do the same a second later.
His and Mo Ran's fingers brush, and it feels uncomfortably hot to Chu Wanning. He swallows quickly in the hope that it'll help (it doesn't), then looks at the actual pen. It's regular white, but there's a little dogface attached to the top; it's a dalmatian, he thinks, and it's even wearing a little red cap.
Chu Wanning does not know what to make of the fact that Mo Ran owns such a cute pen when he looks like the epitome of masculinity to him. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. Masculine guys are allowed to own cute pens, the issue with this is just that it makes Mo Ran about ten times more endearing than he already is.
And Chu Wanning – right now – only has a crush on him. He's not full-blown in love with him.
…Or at least that's what he's hoping.
Still, he takes it and starts taking attendance, pointedly ignoring the fuzzy feeling in his chest.
*
Once class is over, Chu Wanning packs up his stuff and says goodbye to all of his students; then he waits for all of them to leave the room so that he can lock it back up. Shi Mei is the second to last to leave, with a confused little look at Mo Ran, who's looking up at Chu Wanning, his pencil case still on the table.
"What?" he asks, and Mo Ran just gives him a little smile.
"My pen."
"What about your pen?"
"You packed it into your bag. You want to keep it?"
Immediately, Chu Wanning feels like he's going to combust actually, because yeah, now that he's thinking about it, he definitely did pack that pen into his own back, and that's embarrassing in so many ways, but it would be slightly more bearable if Mo Ran hadn't asked him whether he wants to keep it.
"Obviously not," he replies, and reaches into his bag to retrieve it, finding it relatively soon, then handing it back to Mo Ran.
"Ah, then thank you for giving it back! Didn't want to ask in front of everyone."
Only then does Mo ran zip his bag back up, stand up from his chair, and shoulder his bag. He's put the can of energy drink back into his bag; probably taking it to his own trash at home or something. Chu Wanning isn't entirely sure.
(And he's not the best at handling trash to begin with.)
"Alright, Professor Chu, I'm off then! Goodbye!" and with that, Mo Ran waves at him, and leaves the classroom.
For a few seconds, Chu Wanning remains stunned because of his godforsaken smile. Then, he tells himself to get it together and get the hell out of here and the hell back home since it's his one day where he only has one class and nothing else.
Alas – it's his one day he can actually properly spend with his cat Plum, so he should head home to her.
Right when Chu Wanning leaves the building, his phone gives a short notification sound. It's a smartphone, since Xue Zhengyong bugged him so much about getting an actual smartphone and not using his old flip phone anymore; and he half expects the message to be from him, too.
However, when he actively pulls down the small notification, it's from someone completely else.
He doesn't have his number saved anymore, but even just the address of 'Hey, Wanning' is more than enough to know exactly who it is. Because only a single person would address him that way.
He stops walking dead in the track.
With trembling fingers, he pulls down the rest of the notification, and then clicks on it, because Chu Wanning isn't above leaving him on read.
It's not a very long message; just asking him whether he would like to go for a coffee at one point. He doesn't even know that Chu Wanning doesn't like coffee enough to actively drink it. Although maybe it's just a figure of speech; not like Huaizui ever cared about what Chu Wanning understands and doesn't understand. What he loves and doesn't love.
Who he is and isn't.
However, the three dots appear again, and Chu Wanning can't get himself to walk on. So, he stands on the sidewalk, at least stepping aside enough so that people can walk by still; and waits for the next message to come in.
'I'm glad you're reading the message. You don't have to respond to any of this if you don't want to.'
Oh, that's a new one. No begging him to answer like the past few messages at least.
'I just wanted to say that I really am proud of you. I just saw the news article from some years ago, about you being a professor now.'
That means he actively looked up his name. Chu Wanning isn't sure how to feel about both that, and the fact that he said he's proud of him. That might be the first time ever since Chu Wanning so much as mentioned not wanting to become a lawyer or doctor or at least a priest like his adoptive father that he's said he's proud of him.
And after he said that he might actually be a guy, there were no positive words from him anymore anyways.
Still – he does say that he's proud of him. So surely that… accounts to something? Chu Wanning is just not sure whether their relationship can still be fixed. Not after everything that's happened. Frankly, he doesn't think he could ever forgive him.
'I won't apologize to you, because that's something that would have to be done in person. If you want to meet me at any point, let me know.'
And only then do the three dots disappear.
For a bit longer, Chu Wanning stares down at the messages he's received, and then wills himself to answer.
'I don't want to meet,' he types, because not a single cell in his body wants to meet this man right now. He mutes the contact and deletes the chat so that he doesn't have to bother with it on his sort of free day, when he could be spending that time with his cat.
Who needs a father when you have a cat, anyways?
(And who needs a father when you're falling in love with your twenty-year old student with a cute dog pen who you definitely shouldn't be falling in love with?)
He pushes his phone back into his pocket and tells himself that he'll just wind down for today, and he can think about his toxic adoptive father another day.
He has more than enough problems this semester already.
And Mo Ran might just be the biggest of all of them.