CHAPTER 14
Intake would have been dull, if Breastman hadn't refused to sign documents as anything other than BREAST MAN. The put-upon functionary looked like a ripe tomato by the time the duo left.
All the bureaucratic bullshit was dealt with and now Breastman's legal name was Breastman BREAST MAN as far as AEGIS was concerned.
They'd also gone over the Guardian compensation package. All in all, Cait felt they'd made out like bandits. The rent on a place like they'd been provided alone would have been more than she made in a month previously. In addition, the food installations on campus were all free for Guardians. It honestly left Cait wondering what she'd spend the generous stipend they'd receive on, to say nothing of the percentage deal on any merch should they get popular enough to warrant any.
Actually gonna be able to get Dad that vintage Mustang he was always talking about back when they thought I'd be a doctor, she thought with a smirk.
They were split up after they reached the bunker for medical. Cait was led into a high tech exam room, and Meta-brains swarmed over her, attaching all kinds of devices or grabbing some random reading.
"We'd like to take a blood sample, Miss Smith," said one of the medical personnel, Cait wasn't sure they were actually doctors, or that it really mattered where Meta-brains were concerned. "Is that alright?"
"I mean, it's alright," Cait shrugged. "I wouldn't use your favorite needle though."
A pretty good session of unintentional improv comedy followed. The increasingly frustrated 'doctors' tried more and more drastic means to pierce Cait's skin, but the only blood they got was some of their own when an unlucky man took a piece of bonesaw in the arm. The tool had just ripped itself apart on contact with Cait's impenetrable flesh, and at those speeds, there was shrapnel. She winced, but the man only cursed, shot himself with some kind of injector, and the wound stopped bleeding instantly.
"If you need DNA, you could just ask Lira for a semen sample," Cait joked. "She requested a pretty large donation yesterday."
Cait quailed under the flat looks the staff gave her. They huddled, whispering heatedly between themselves. The same guy that had spoken earlier turned back to Cait.
"We need to make sure that wasn't just a joke." He stated. "You had vaginal intercourse with Miss Light last night?"
Welp, put one more mark in the column for 'boned before you knew their last name' Cait.
"Bold of you to assume it was vaginal." Cait grinned wide. When she just got more blank stares, she muttered, "Yes, wasn't a joke."
They huddled again, shorter this time, before the guy turned back.
"And you used a penis for this?"
"Wha–YES I used MY penis." Cait's mind boggled a bit that they were asking this. They huddled again.
"You aren't Cait Smith by any chance, are you?"
"Of course I am! How many other indestructible Amazonian dickgirls are there on campus?!"
The 'doctor' remained remarkably deadpan in the face of what seemed like gross incompetence.
"Ah, we were wondering where the unique features described in the file were." He nodded like everything made sense. "Johnston, would you go tell exam room 2 to change their exam battery? I doubt Dawn would survive the planned examination for Miss Smith."
He turned back to Cait like this was all perfectly normal.
"I apologize for the mixup." He smiled, holding up the shattered bone saw. "I suppose that explains this!"
The other 'doctor' ran back in, pushing a cart full of what looked like nothing more than high-tech torture instuments. "We actually very much would like a semen sample–"
"Well you ain't fuckin' getting it with those!" Cait cringed away from the cart a little. Invulnerable or not, plenty of them didn't look fun. The 'doctor' actually politely laughed as though Cait had told a pun, shaking his head like she was a rambunctious child.
"Of course not Miss Smith, these will be used to fill in the gaps in Metric's reported readings and results! You will have to provide the sample manually." He smiled gently again, which in context was sinister as fucking hell. He grabbed what looked like a plant bulb from the cart. "We noticed that there was very little data included on physical damage to your internals!"
He turned a knob on the bottom of the bulb and with a terrible metallic squeal it expanded as if spring loaded.
"Fuckin' nope!" Cait yelled, and jumped off the exam table, racing out the door.
"Miss Smith! This is for your own safety!" He said, waving the device after her.
"That's what they said about condoms and I never listened to them about that neither!" She yelled, not breaking stride. Cait passed another room where she could see Gwyn had come to Breastman's aid, a buzzing cloud around her fending off weak assaults from a number of other Meta-brains. The next door burst open as well, and a very strange figure joined Cait's escape.
She was taller than Cait, even without the elegant antlers that curved up above her large tawny ears. The powerful thighs that propelled her along next to Cait belied an otherwise slender graceful frame.
"Huh," Cait said. "Dawn's a fawn."
The deer lady turned a gentle smile on Cait, amusement in her big brown literal doe eyes.
"The kids used to call me Dawn the Fawn, Cait Smith." Her voice was high, and a little singsong. It sounded vaguely Asian to Cait but she wasn't sure if that was racist. The full sprint Cait was running at seemed to be a relatively leisurely jog to Dawn as she bounded along. A crash from behind them was quickly followed by whipping tentacles, Breastman's body, and finally Gwyn wrapped up behind him.
"Accessibility bay! Now!" She yelled, indicating a direction as Breastman swung and slung them both along. Exchanging a glance, Cait and Dawn followed, sliding through a door as Gwyn slammed it behind them.
"Whew!" Gwyn exhaled, pressing her back against the door as she slid down it. She smiled sheepishly at the group. "Sorry about that folks!"
"What the fuck was that!?" Cait's blood was still up thinking about that bulb. "Were those Altered Madmen? Should we sound an alarm!?"
Gwyn shrugged.
"Yes and no. A lot of smarter Meta-brains get reeeaaalllly weird." She gestured towards Cait. "That guy you were dealing with actually cured rectal cancer. The advances the MediCorps make are insane, but so are they. They are, as such, not allowed near actual patients.
She sighed.
"Unfortunately, they are pretty damn hard to effectively control, hence you guys getting Shang-hai'd." Gwyn smiled at Breastman. "Lucky, Breastman texted me or I'd have just thought you were running late!"
She rose from the door, made sure it was locked and went to one of the workbenches. "This was just supposed to be a basic physical that my 'bots could easily handle. They must have been reeeeaalll interested in 3 edge cases like you coming in. Gotta admit, you are all very interesting."
Cait noticed her glance at Breastman as she said that last bit.
Huh. The cutest nerds are the kinkiest, I guess.
"Anyway, I can get the basics done with a push of the button. You all might feel a bit of buzzing, heat and maybe a slight sting as samples are collected. Well, not you Cait. It alright if we get started?" They all nodded, and a grey cloud flowed out of one of Gwyn's pockets, swarming around the trio.
"I am ever more shocked by the technology on display here," came Dawn's musical voice. "The settlement near my dwelling, New Davenport, was so basic."
Gwyn nodded sympathetically. "It's really hard to distribute this stuff. Logistics is one issue, and sharing is another. Some things also just aren't scalable. Plenty of people just want me to solve every issue with nanobots but apparently no one at AEGIS has played Zero Dawn."
Cait looked up at that, and Breastman's tentacles waved excitedly.
"Oh shit! You game?" Cait asked.
Gwyn blushed a bit.
"Mostly retro," she answered. "My parents had a huge pre-wave collection."
"Mmm," Cait nodded sagely in agreement with herself. "Back when games had soul."
"Anyway, Cait, I actually am very interested in your penis." Gwyn started.
Cait's eyes shot wide, and the shit-eating grin that accompanied it could have consumed all of last night's shit-monster.
"Wait, no, dammit," Gwyn turned red so fast it was like someone had painted her. "I mean it's in your file as an Altered change! You know what I mean!"
"If you say soooo," Cait teased in a sing-song voice. "But yeah, I do know. Only supposed to happen once. To be honest I think the doctors just guessed wrong. It was 50-50 if it happened to me in the womb or to one of my parents had their gametes altered."
Gwyn bit her lip and played with an earring in a remarkably cute thinking pose.
Breastman you lucky dog.
"Makes sense. If you don't mind, could I get a semen sample anyway? I've got some tests in mind and I'm sure MedCorps will too once they calm down." Gwyn rummaged around on a workbench and somehow produced a sample cup. "Bathroom's two doors down on the left."
"All you had to do was ask!" Cait took the cup and made for the door. "For the record I recommend it over some fava beans with a nice Chianti."
"Ass!" Gwyn called after her, running some sort of scanner over Dawn.
Cait picked a stall and sat down, opening the internet app on her phone before thinking better of it and opening messaging.
C: Gwyn neeeeeeds my cum
C: For real, I gotta do the ol' sperm bank spank, help a girl out?
Lira responded almost immediately.
L: lol u dick
L: one sec
A minute later, Cait's screen was filled with a work of erotic art. Lira's sports bra was pulled up and held in her teeth, revealing the freckles on her pert breasts. She had both thumbs hooked in her waistband, pulling it down to reveal her puffy pussy and neatly trimmed fiery pubes. Maybe sexiest was the look in her bright green eyes as she barreled the camera, containing a threat as much as they did a promise if Cait didn't reciprocate this favor somehow.
That'll fucking do. Porn is so much better made-to-order. One question though.
C: Who's holding the camera?
C: also thanks and goddamn
L: ;)