Chapter 9: The Serpent's Scorn and the Prank of Prophecy
[SYSTEM MESSAGE: ELEVATING IRRITATION. PREPARING FOR ACCIDENTAL DESTRUCTION OF PLOT-CRITICAL ITEMS.]
The air at the Tenchi Bridge was thick with tension, which, if you ask me, could have been cut with a dull butter knife. Orochimaru, the resident snake-themed drama queen, was still giving me the evil eye. Naruto was yelling about Sasuke. Sakura was trying to mediate. Sai was just… observing. And I was, naturally, fanning the flames of chaos.
My goal: push Orochimaru's 'Hate' meter higher. He might be a Sannin, but he was also a creature of immense ego. And nothing deflates an ego faster than a relentless barrage of mockery and a hint that their entire life's work is, well, kind of pathetic.
"Honestly, for a genius, Orochimaru makes some questionable life choices. He's obsessed with Sasuke, but clearly has no idea how to talk to teenagers. He wants immortality, but dresses like he shops at a haunted costume store. It's like, dude, pick a lane. Or at least hire a stylist. I'm just here to help him see the error of his ways, one sarcastic comment at a time. It's tough love, really."
The actual fight started, as most things in this world do, with a lot of yelling and dramatic posing. Naruto, in his initial fury, transformed into his partial Nine-Tails state. Orochimaru just watched, intrigued. But I wasn't going to let him just observe. Oh no. This was my show too.
[ADAM IZUKU: ACTIVATING VERBAL ATTACK MODE. PREPARING FOR COLLATERAL DAMAGE.]
[OROCHIMARU HATE METER: 40%]
As Naruto raged, I positioned myself just out of Orochimaru's immediate reach, but well within earshot.
"You know, Orochimaru," I called out, dodging a stray tongue flick that was probably meant for me. "This whole 'power of the Nine-Tails' thing is old news, darling. Seen it, done it, bought the T-shirt. You're a Sannin! The peak of ninja coolness! Where's your original material? Are you just recycling villains now? That's lazy writing, my friend."
Orochimaru paused, his golden eyes narrowing. "You speak as if you know the future, little worm."
"Oh, I do!" I chirped, making a show of looking at an imaginary watch. "In fact, if I'm not mistaken, in about, oh, five minutes, something utterly predictable is going to happen. Something involving a certain Uchiha and a whole lot of brooding. It's like watching a rerun, really. Can we fast forward to the part where you finally get a new hobby? Like, maybe interpretive dance? I hear it's quite therapeutic."
[OROCHIMARU HATE METER: 60%]
His focus visibly shifted from Naruto to me. Excellent. His snake summons appeared, hissing and slithering towards me.
"Your insolence knows no bounds!" Orochimaru hissed, lunging forward with a speed that was genuinely impressive.
"Neither does your commitment to questionable fashion!" I retorted, narrowly dodging a strike. I used a basic Puppet Master Jutsu to subtly trip one of his smaller snakes, sending it tumbling into another, causing a minor serpentine pile-up. "Honestly, those robes! And the makeup! Are you trying out for a rock band? Because you're failing. Miserably."
Orochimaru roared, a truly un-human sound, as he extended his neck, trying to bite me. I spun, activating my basic Sharingan precognition. Not enough to perfectly predict, but enough to give me a millisecond's warning. I leaned back, narrowly avoiding his fangs.
"See?" I said, pointing a finger at him. "Predictable! Always the same snake bite routine! You're going to give yourself neck cramps doing that, you know. Think long-term health, Orochimaru! Immortality isn't just about cheating death; it's about maintaining good posture!"
[OROCHIMARU HATE METER: 80% - ACQUIRABLE SKILLS: OROCHIMARU'S BODY-STRETCHING ABILITIES, SNAKE-RELATED JUTSU (BASIC)]
He was trembling with a mixture of rage and frustration. His attacks became more wild, less controlled. He was losing his cool. This was my moment.
I needed to deliver the final, devastating blow to his fragile ego. And I knew just the thing. Orochimaru was obsessed with research, with experiments, with pushing the boundaries of ninja science. He would have countless experiments, notes, and samples hidden away. And I knew roughly where they were.
As Sasuke, with his dramatic entrance and moody glare, finally appeared, the entire bridge seemed to shift. Naruto's anger turned to relief, then confusion. Orochimaru, for a moment, was distracted by his prize.
"Perfect. Distraction. My favorite kind of chaos. While everyone's busy having their emotional reunion/standoff, I'll just be over here, performing a little bit of 'accidental' sabotage. Think of it as spring cleaning for the soul. And also for his most important research."
Using the chaos as cover, and my basic Sharingan to avoid detection, I darted away from the main confrontation. I had memorized the layout of Orochimaru's temporary hideout beneath the bridge from the anime. I slipped into a hidden compartment, found the most elaborate, glowing, bubbling experiment I could see, and without a moment's hesitation, I kicked it over.
Glass shattered. Green and blue liquids mixed, fizzed, and then evaporated with a sickening hiss. A vile, metallic smell filled the air. This was clearly something important. Something probably very dangerous. Something Orochimaru had spent years on.
I emerged from the compartment, looking utterly bewildered. "Oh, my bad! Tripped! Clumsy me! Did I… spill something? Oops." I tried to look innocent, but a triumphant smirk kept threatening to break through.
Orochimaru, alerted by the crash and the sudden noxious fumes, snapped his head towards the compartment. His golden eyes widened in genuine horror. Then, they found me.
His face, usually so composed, contorted into a mask of pure, unadulterated, incandescent rage. It was beautiful. Truly magnificent.
"YOU… YOU FOOL!" he shrieked, his voice raw with fury, completely abandoning his usual calm demeanor. "MY… MY RESEARCH! YEARS OF WORK! YOU DARE?!"
[OROCHIMARU HATE METER: 100% - BLOODLINE: BODY MODIFICATION, SNAKE JUTSU ACQUIRED PERMANENTLY!]
"Oopsie!" I said, shrugging apologetically, though my eyes were dancing with delight. "Guess it wasn't meant to be, huh? Maybe stick to making friendship bracelets, Orochimaru. Less chance of accidentally destroying the fabric of spacetime. Just a thought."
Orochimaru let out a primal scream of pure hatred, a sound that probably peeled paint off the walls. He was absolutely livid. And I? I was practically vibrating with triumph. Body Modification and Snake Jutsu. Mine. All mine. And all it cost was a little bit of research and a whole lot of the snake sannin's sanity. Worth it. Absolutely worth it.