Chapter 8: The Snake and the Sarcasm: Orochimaru's First Impression
[SYSTEM MESSAGE: ENGAGING LEGENDARY SANNIN. PREPARING FOR VERBAL DESTRUCTION ON A GRAND SCALE.]
The journey to the Tenchi Bridge was less about bridges and more about Sai slowly, agonizingly, learning what "irritation" felt like. My puppet army was working wonders. He was now capable of a full-body flinch when they appeared, and occasionally, a very subtle eye-roll. Progress!
But the real meat of this mission, besides the whole "find Sasuke" thing, was Orochimaru. The snake sannin. The guy who thought body-hopping was a perfectly normal way to spend a Tuesday. My personal goal: push his 'Hate' meter. I wanted to be the reason he woke up in a cold sweat. The reason he questioned his life choices. The reason he considered a career in, like, competitive flower arranging instead of global domination.
"You know, I've always found Orochimaru fascinating. Not in a 'let's grab a coffee' way, more in a 'let's analyze his psychological quirks from a safe distance while armed with a flamethrower' kind of way. He's got that dramatic flair, the constant monologuing, the inexplicable fondness for snakes. It's like a supervillain bingo card, and he's checked all the boxes. And now, I get to be his personal, sarcastic tormentor. This is truly a dream come true for a guy who spent his last life complaining about slow internet."
We reached the Tenchi Bridge. It was exactly as I remembered: dilapidated, foreboding, and just begging for a dramatic showdown. Kabuto, Orochimaru's loyal lackey and surprisingly competent medical ninja, was already there. He had that smarmy, too-polite smile that screamed "I'm secretly judging your life choices and probably have a syringe full of poison hidden somewhere."
[ADAM IZUKU: PREPARING TO OFFEND A SANNIN. INITIATE CONNECTION PROTOCOL.]
[OROCHIMARU HATE METER: 5%]
"Oh, look!" I stage-whispered to Naruto and Sakura, loud enough for Kabuto to hear. "It's the budget villain and his perpetually annoyed sidekick! I knew this was the place. My 'prank-dar' was tingling. It always tingles when there's an overwhelming aura of bad fashion choices and questionable life decisions."
Kabuto's smile tightened. He probably thought I was just some dumb civilian. Good. Let him.
Then, the ground rumbled. A massive, grotesque snake head burst forth, and from its mouth, stepped Orochimaru. He was as theatrical as I remembered, all pale skin, golden eyes, and a terrifyingly long tongue. He was also wearing a rather ridiculous purple rope belt. Seriously, who styled this guy?
"Naruto-kun," Orochimaru hissed, completely ignoring everyone else. "It's been too long."
Before Naruto could even launch into his usual "Sasuke!" monologue, I stepped forward, a look of profound disappointment on my face.
"Is that it?" I drawled, crossing my arms. "Seriously? A giant snake entrance? So… predictable. And frankly, a little unoriginal. I mean, where's the innovation? The pizazz? The dramatic flair? I was expecting, like, a shower of rose petals and a gospel choir, not just… slithering. What are you, a B-movie villain?"
[OROCHIMARU HATE METER: 15%]
Orochimaru's golden eyes, which had been fixed on Naruto, slowly, dangerously, swiveled to me. His long tongue flickered. "And who, pray tell, is this… curious little worm?"
"Worm?" I scoffed, feigning outrage. "Excuse me, I am Adam Izuku, connoisseur of fine insults and purveyor of uncomfortable truths. And frankly, your aesthetic needs an overhaul. That purple rope? Darling, it clashes. And those scales? Seriously, are you going for 'slimy chic' or 'ancient reptile that needs a good loofah'? Because you're nailing the latter."
Orochimaru's eyebrow twitched. A full-blown sannin eyebrow twitch! This was a good day.
"You speak with a boldness that suggests either profound stupidity or a death wish," Orochimaru hissed, his voice dropping to a low, menacing register. "Which is it?"
"Oh, a little of both, probably," I admitted cheerfully. "But mostly, I just have very strong opinions on questionable fashion and even more questionable life choices. And yours, my serpentine friend, are a goldmine. I mean, seriously, body hopping? That's your grand plan for immortality? You know, there are these things called 'vitamins.' And 'moisturizer.' They do wonders for longevity without all the painful organ harvesting."
[OROCHIMARU HATE METER: 30%]
Kabuto, standing behind Orochimaru, actually choked on air. Even Naruto looked stunned into silence. Sakura had her mouth agape. Sai, bless his stoic heart, looked utterly fascinated.
"This is fantastic! He's actually looking annoyed! Not just 'I'm going to kill you because you exist,' but 'I'm going to kill you because you're actively questioning my life's work and my wardrobe choices.' It's a subtle but important distinction. This is where the magic happens, people."
Orochimaru's face contorted into something that was not quite a smile, not quite a sneer, but definitely malevolent. "You amuse me, little worm. Perhaps I shall keep you. As a pet. Or a particularly entertaining lab specimen."
"Oh, I'd be a terrible pet," I said, waving a hand dismissively. "I shed. And I refuse to be housebroken. As for a lab specimen, my internal organs are strictly for internal use only, thank you very much. Besides, your lab probably smells like formaldehyde and broken dreams. Not exactly my preferred ambiance."
He let out a low, guttural chuckle that sent shivers down everyone else's spine. Mine too, a little. But mostly, it was a chuckle of challenge.
"We shall see, Adam Izuku," Orochimaru purred, his eyes gleaming with a predatory light. "We shall see."
And with that, the stage was set. The snake sannin had been provoked. And I, the master of annoyance, had officially entered the ring. This was going to be a fun fight. For me, anyway. Probably not for everyone else.