(This entire chapter takes place within a single 35-hour period max , if not less.)
(Serial Designation J)
Outside the Corpse Spire, the distant sun shined down upon the ruined streets of Minerall City. Within a mound of corpses… actual… real… corpses… I lost my train of thought as the realization of the workers having achieved sapience… possibly the older generations being sapient as well… sunk in some more than it already had. We weren't living in a towering spire of scrap from malfunctioning sub-sapient droids that survived their masters' deaths. We were literally living in a mass grave of our own making. If I hadn't been sitting at my desk in my office in the upper part of the spire, I'd have fallen to the ground.
The workers were sapient. I couldn't deny that. I'd trusted the Company… but they were wrong. The proof had been in my face during that last encounter with the Scrapper. I wasn't decommissioning malfunctioning, corrupted drones, as the Company's top performing team for 10 years running-- minus that one quarter where another team broke into one of their bunkers, but I'm not counting that, I thought… and then felt another wave of crippling guilt at being jealous of another team being better at genocide than me. The workers were alive. I was killing them. We were killing them. We lived in a mountain of the dead that we'd forged ourselves from bodies we'd made, families we'd wiped out… I felt a pang of nausea erupt as I realized we'd been killing kids. The UNNs were infants. V had eaten one of them once, and had killed dozens. So had I. I'd ripped one in half once, in front of their parents. I gagged and doubled over, fighting down the urge to puke.
We'd been committing a genocide. I was committing a genocide. I was breathing heavily. I hadn't gone out to hunt in three days. We were so far ahead of quota-- how many people have I killed ? --that I could get away with it. We had enough oil stockpiled from all the kills that I could wait well past the next two fiscal years , never mind the next quarter, without killing a single worker. But… I couldn't wait that long, because the next quota period would come up well before then, and I'd need to add more oil to our stockpiles to keep numbers up. The oil… that came from living workers. I gagged again, doubling over as I heaved and fought down the urge to vomit again. If I threw up, I'd need to drink more oil. I wouldn't be able to force myself to swallow it down right now.
I had another realization wash over me. "Oh sweet Corporate ," I whispered, "N doesn't know he's killing people . He's gaslit himself into thinking they aren't alive. I encouraged that." I clutched my head in my hands, facial optics hollow rings. I glanced at my desk, and saw the terminal on top of it, waiting for me to submit numbers to the Company, and I suddenly staggered to my feet, stumbling from the room and winging for my quarters. I couldn't stay there anymore. I couldn't sit with the Company looming over me like the mound of corpses I was inside of. I'd been contemplating asking the Company if they knew the workers were sapient… but our pod was broken. They'd never even acknowledged that when I reported it with every submitted quota fulfillment I'd sent. I was starting to think… maybe the Scrapper was right . Maybe the Company did intend that we kill all the local workers and then just die . That the Company, at best, wouldn't care that we were killing sophont beings. And at worst, wouldn't give me a choice on doing it. I had autonomy, but I didn't have administrator privileges over myself. I couldn't even access who my administrator actually was ( Why did I feel like I knew the answer? Like I'd known it before? ).
I had to lean on the wall in my quarters as I doubled over and fought back the urge to vomit a third time as another realization hit me. I'd been proud of the size of the Spire we'd made. The bodies I'd piled up (like Cyn ordered us all to) as a monument to all our sins. I felt a spike of pain in my processors and physically reeled as I stumbled across the room, tripping and scrabbling on the wall as I went down. I pulled something out as I went. I waited a few seconds for the room to stop spinning before I looked at what was in my hand. It was a visor from a corpse in the wall. I dropped it and curled into the fetal position as I felt oil surge up my throat, and choked as I forced it back down. My breath stank of it (and something organic). And I looked to where I'd yanked the visor from intent to at least try to put it back and pay some modicum of respect to the people I'd killed.
But the head was hollow. There was a black journal, with a branded pen, and actual paper, hidden inside the emptied out head. My own dread, nausea, and guilt washed away for a moment as I looked on, confused, and reached for it, taking the journal in my hands. It felt… familiar. But I didn't recognize it. Taking a hesitant breath, I flipped it open, and saw neat, concise entries written in my own handwriting . But I couldn't remember actually writing any of it . It was a dream journal of all things. I feverishly read through entry after entry as the minutes ticked by, the need to try and sleep despite the nightmares I knew were waiting for me forgotten as I tried to figure out what in the stock crash this was. The dreams I couldn't remember having nor writing about evidently pertained to a human woman that I couldn't recall, but had been fond of. She wore a… black bow… I rushed to the spot where I hid my bow that I slept with. And that part of my memory wasn't faulty, evidently, because it was , in fact, a black bow. Was it the same bow the human wore? Or just one reminiscent of it? And why couldn't I remember this human, or those dreams, or writing for over a hundred pages in this journal? There were dates in it. An entire year went by that I recalled, but couldn't recall this ? It was almost like--
"I'm not my own administrator," I whispered as the horrifying realization dawned upon me. "The Company partially wiped my memories in the past. They might have done it more than once, and I wouldn't know if they did or didn't."
I paced the journal into a drawer from a night table I'd looted. I sat down against the wall, still clutching the bow that reminded me of a woman I couldn't remember . I drew my legs in, tail flopped limply to the floor, wrapping my arms around them while still holding the bow as a lifeline. I felt numb . "Did… did I figure this out before? Did I ask the Company about it before, and that was when they wiped my memories?" I shivered, but not from the subzero temperatures. Could I even look into this without risking another reset? Should I even look into this?
"You know, despite everything , I don't hate you. If you stopped the genocide, I'd stop fighting you," the Scrapper had told me.
I'd told him we'd die without oil… it was the only defense I could have offered at that point.
"We have oil to spare. We could donate it," the drone with the green optics had suddenly cut in.
Had he been serious? Did the Scrapper actually not hate us? He appeared to be the ringleader of his growing band. Was he actually willing to help us? Could he even help us? Could I even try to reach out? Would the Company reset my memories if I tried? I pulled back from the ball I'd curled up into as I lifted the arm not holding the bow and shifted the hand to a weapon I'd never actually used. A virus jack. I went through my… my tampered-with memory files and pulled up a directive from ( Cyn ) Corporate. It detailed what it would do to a drone that it hit, and informed me that I was supposed to use it on V if she ever went rogue. I then recalled a time two years back when I'd found out that N had spent an entire night befriending literal rocks instead of hunting, and how I'd had the dark thought of using the virus jack on him . And the realization that I'd even had that thought that disgusted me. I shifted away the virus jack.
N is my squadmate. He's an idiot, but he and V are all I have on this damn rock, and that I thought of killing him at one point? My optics widened. If I got reset or had memories wiped, would I forget that being nice to N made him do better at his jo-- being nice to him made him kill people , I realized. I was horrified enough by this point that the roiling guilt-induced nausea didn't actually threaten to spill up my throat this time. I was rewarding N for mass murder and genocide, and had helped him gaslight himself into believing he wasn't doing that, and I couldn't even try to turn that around without risking a reset-- what if he was reset in the past as well? I thought. N… N and V could both be in the same mess I'm in. Our whole squad could be in this mess of repeated resets of our memories for a Company that was using us as tools. We were stuck down here until we were killed, or killed all the workers and died from oil loss after that… and with the Scrapper and his growing band that was fighting us… the former might actually be plausible…
Except the Scrapper and his band didn't want to actually kill any of us… they've had multiple opportunities to do so and deliberately avoided it. The Scrapper said he knows where our cores are and how to kill us. But they've offlined us and then chose to not kill us dozens of times by now. They apologized for nearly killing N… and that hurt to contemplate, that despite everything we've done to them, they still didn't want to kill us back. We… we were really monsters, and I'd have to keep hunting workers if I wanted to make sure Corporate didn't come down on me and reset me again .
Which hurt even more when I thought to the increased oil supplies we had since that last encounter. They've been leaving us the stuff , for Corporate's sake! I'd found a barrel of it just sitting atop a ruined skyscraper on my patrol route last night. With a note in a weighted box atop it that read "From the Scrapper: Felt a bit guilty about just how bad we shook you up, even if you needed a wake-up call. Offer to help you defect is open. We'll stop shooting you, and have a long term ethically sourced supply of oil waiting."
He wanted to help us. He actually wanted to help us, but my own mind wasn't my own. I literally didn't have a choice but to try and kill him, because if I ever tried to stop, I was positive the Company would reset me again. For the first time in a long time, I was feeling long term doubt and fear, mixed into a single brutal concoction. I couldn't not do my job… but… was the Scrapper right ? Did Corporate leave us to die? They never sent anything or anyone to fix our pod, after all. I bet that it'd take less than a day for T( essa ) to--
I gasped as I felt a spike of pain in my processors. Less than a day for who to fix the pod? I wondered. There was a feeling of fondness. I looked down at the bow I was still clutching. A bow like the one Tes( sa ) had--
I groaned as I felt another spike of pain. This was something I'd forgotten. But was it something that would result in a reset? Should I even try to figure it out? Was a name worth it? Something instinctual told me it was , and I had a feeling I'd stumbled onto it before, only to be wiped again. Whoever it was must have been deeply important to me. But… shouldn't the memories have been wiped ? Because if I kept remembering but it kept getting forgotten, then that meant the memories weren't being deleted, but repressed by whoever was my admin. But why would they leave the memories there without deleting anything concerning Tessa entir--
"Who's T--" I cut myself off and forced myself not to think about it, and felt a spike of fear throughout my systems. I felt something stir in the depths of my OS as I desperately fought to keep my mind blank. My thoughts wandered anyway.
A human whose name started with a T. An impression of fondness. Something to do with a bow. A big black bow that I loved. Someone I'd dreamt about before my memories were reset. Memories that were repressed. An image of an Australian girl in a black dress wearing a bow with brown eyes full of life --
I shot up straight and shoved everything of the past memories that I'd dredged up from the last ten minutes of thought into the repression folder N sent me. I was breathing heavily. There was something there. Something… Someone I'd forgotten… more than once. And I got the feeling that if I'd dug any deeper, or had even finished that word, or consciously acknowledged any of those thoughts, or that if I'd waited even a second longer to shove whatever I'd just figured out into that repression folder, that I would have tripped another memory reset. Something was being hidden from me. I couldn't even risk consciously acknowledging what was being hidden. I couldn't risk fully reading that journal I couldn't remember writing. I gave a short, broken laugh. Go figure N's repression folder had saved me… and by extension, maybe even him. A reset would have made me start… abusing him again. He deserved better than that. But still, I had something , but it was now shoved into that folder and I couldn't even check it without risking a reset. I couldn't even know what I figured out, and didn't know what else could trip a reset beyond a vague hint that locked memories caused spikes of pain when they were close to coming up. This entire situation was so ludicrously stacked against me that it wasn't even funny. I blinked. Because "stacked against me" reminded me of something else.
" Truth is… The game was rigged from the start. "
The Scrapper was right. The game was rigged. I wasn't supposed to be a player. I wasn't even supposed to be aware it was being played . I didn't think the Scrapper was supposed to be a player or aware of the game either . But Corporate was playing something here on Copper 9, and they'd stacked the deck so far in their favor it scared me. The Scrapper seemed to know more than he was letting on. Did he know about the memory resets, and was trying not to trigger them? He had cameras spying on us. It wasn't outside the realm of possibility that he'd borne witness to a reset on one of us that we couldn't remember ourselves. He'd figured something out, for sure, and I think he was attempting to flip the game board entirely. He… likely even wanted our help to do so. But as long as the Company was my administrator, there wasn't anything I could do about it. There was something deeply wrong going on with this planet, and I needed to be careful trying to get to the bottom of it. For the sake of a woman whose name I couldn't even consciously acknowledge without possibly getting reset again. For my squad. For my own mind and soul. I didn't think I'd get another chance if I got found out.
___
(Aly)
It's a fragile state of mind
Like I'm losing sense of time
And the world is moving on while I am left behind
Frankie had a record playing from some song by an old Earth music artist named Derivakat-- Headcase , that was the name! I remembered --while he was relaxing in the music store during the bright mid-morning sun. I was vibing to the music while trying to doodle its cover art. Actually complicated stuff, but I was mostly doing a sketch for now. If Frankie told me he really liked the art though, I'd try to do a full rendition of the cover, maybe with a Drone-sona version instead. So he could hang it up in his room… like he did a lot of my other arts. I… it wasn't even a crush thing, the fact that he hung up my art made me feel special and wanted … and that was really nice.
It's a never ending wait
For a sign to change my fate
Like I'll never reach the end of this forsaken chase
"Hey, Aly?" Frankie asked suddenly. I looked up from my artist tablet as he looked at me over the rims of his sunglasses-- robo-god he was hot --and met his gaze with my own. "You ever actually finish that human-sona art you were doing of us?"
I flushed and looked away. I'd blurted out that I'd been drawing a detailed, full color art of us both as humans when we were talking last week, and Frankie had actually been interested in it. I was almost done with it too, but he kept inquiring about it, and not even in a mean way, but like he was actually curious, and that flustered me.
"Almost, Frankie," I mumbled.
So don't tell me there's no, no reason why
There's no, no finish line
No journey I'll enjoy along the way
He smiled at me, and I had to fight really hard to keep the red hash-marks off my visor. "Cool," he said, like it was the simplest thing possible, and I just wanted to scream into a pillow because why did that sexy man have so much rizz! It wasn't fair !!! "I don't personally get your fascination with drawing human-sonas of us, but I'm happy you like it, and your art is always great regardless."
My feet stuck in the sand
My heart left in my hand
These symptoms taking hold won't go away
I pouted, and worked really hard to come up with an amazing comeback for that! "Y-yeah? Well, you have a really good taste in music!" Frick that was terrible! Darnit! Alyke, you stupid horny drone!
Frankie raised an eyemote, and then looked away and… blushed himself? "Thanks," he said. I blinked. Once. Twice. That actually worked?!? I thought.
They say that I'm a classic headcase
Diagnosed with terminal velocity
Just can't escape
'Cause I'm uninsured
Frankie coughed. "A-anyways," he said, seeming to regain his cool in real time, "Someone in Outpost 3 has been posting a bunch of old metal songs from the early 2000s and late 1900s on the Internet on JCJ-tube. Posted whole albums from a band called Sabaton, and they made some really cool stuff. Don't think I would have stumbled on them without that, and I'm thinking of binge-listening to a couple of their albums later."
I'm a classic headcase
A victim of the world's relentless apathy
Bound to my fate
And I can't be cured
"Cooooool!" I told him, and then asked, "Do you have any songs that you think would be nice to have in the background as I draw?"
"Not off the top of my processors, but I think there's some neat lofi and K-pop stuff for whatever kind of mood you want as you draw over in that part of the store, Aly," he said, gesturing over to it. I slumped ever so slightly at the dismissal, even if I knew it wasn't intentional on his part, enough that I knew he wouldn't notice it, and shifted my shoulders to rub his jacket against me as I put a smile on my face and went to go check.
It's the stars I don't wish on
It's the way I don't move on
And the constant thought that one day we will all be gone
"K Frankie," I told him, as I turned and went to walk over to there.
"If… if you find something you like, we could listen to it together?" I stopped when I heard his voice from behind me. My smile suddenly reached my optics.
I turned around and beamed at him, suddenly jogging forwards and giving him a hug. "Okay, Frankie!" I told him. "I'm looking forward to it!"
It's the fleetingness of life
Burning time and wasting nights
Like I'm balanced on the edge then plunging from the heights
He suddenly hugged me back, and I stiffened for a moment before I started to feel embarrassed. "So am I, Aly," he told me. He was cool against me. His shirt was soft against my fingers. His arms around me made me feel safe. Wanted… and not in a sexy way! Just… someone wanted me in general… and that felt really nice.
So don't tell me there's no, no reason why
There's no, no finish line
No journey I'll enjoy along the way
Reluctantly, I pulled back, and gave him a big gremlin smile, before turning and jogging off to the other side of the store, delving through old records. I was feeling like making some peppy art! So maybe K-pop? Or pop in general? I skimmed over cover arts looking for something that would catch my optics. Frankie would totally scold me for judging an album by their covers , I thought, and I gave a little gremlin giggle to myself. Maybe he'd tell me I was being a naughty girl , and pin me down and--
My feet stuck in the sand
My heart left in my hand
These symptoms taking hold won't go away
Bad Aly! I reprimanded my horny thoughts. He doesn't like me that way. We're just friends. He just likes having me around because I don't bother him too much when he listens to music and I draw some stuff he likes. I slumped, mood ruined… in more ways than one. I glanced back to the other side of the store.
They say that I'm a classic headcase
Diagnosed with terminal velocity
Just can't escape
'Cause I'm uninsured
I couldn't see Frankie from here, but I knew he was happily vibing to the music right now. He doesn't like me that way , I thought, an ache in my core. I'd just make things weird between us. My thoughts kept spiralling. And then he'd ask for his jacket back, and then leave, and then I'd be alone again. I… I should just be happy with what I can get.
I'm a classic headcase
A victim of the world's relentless apathy
Bound to my fate
And I can't be cured
I dejectedly glanced to the side, and saw something shiny, forlornly going over to investigate. The music played an instrumental while I shuffled to it. The album cover had some pretty human… ish? girls on it, clearly K-pop of some sort. One of them was blonde and had a a fan of pretty crystalline blue fox tails fanning out behind her. This one was a single record, but there were other ones behind it. I took it off the rack, wiped a bit of dust off it, and read the title.
And oooooooooooooooh
I'm running in the same place
Going nowhere too fast
" K/DA POP/STARS ?" I mumbled, looking it over.
"Hey Aly!" Frankie called.
And oooooooooooooooh
I'm burning 'neath the surface
And I know this won't last
"Yeah Frankie?" I called back.
"You wanna sit next to me to listen to whatever you found?" he asked.
They say that I'm a classic headcase
Diagnosed with terminal velocity
Just can't escape
'Cause I'm uninsured
I had a feeling that this wouldn't be the best of songs to draw to, probably a bit too fast-paced, but I think Frankie's wide tastes in music would like it, and sitting next to him while he enjoyed it and I just sketched whatever came to mind as a quick and dirty piece would be a great way to pick up my mood. I shifted the record in my hands to make sure I had a good grip, and then started to walk back to the other side of the store, a hopeful smile on my face. Even… even if he didn't like me that way, Frankie was still my friend. He let me wear his jacket all these years, after all. And I could be happy with that, even if I wanted more. "I'm coming!" I told him.
I'm a classic headcase
A victim of the world's relentless apathy
Bound to my fate
And I can't be cured
I ran over to Frankie as the song came to a close, holding the record in hand with a grin on my face… and then tripped at the last second as I got to him. I fell straight into him, seeing the alarm in his eyemotes as we both tumbled to the floor. I had my face directly in front of his. I could kiss him right now…
"You okay?" he asked me as we came to a stop.
I pinged him with a DM by instinct.
ThatOneWanderingArtist: dasonj ckjamckmkjdskv knvkjsd
"Did you just… randomly mash your keyboard in thought-to-text?" he asked.
" Shut up! " I squeaked out. "You stupid seeeeeeeeeeee-- sentimental friend!" I barely saved myself.
"That's kinda adorable," he said.
My eyemotes widened as my face lit up with a blush, and I rolled off him (making sure not to roll over the record that survived our fall). " AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! " I groaned as I buried my visor in my hands and kicked my legs against the floor. WHY DID THIS STUPID SEXY MAN HAVE TO BE SO STUPIDLY SEXY?!? I internally screamed.
"Aly?" he asked, sounding actually concerned as he sat up. "Are you okay?"
" Mmmm fine ," I mumbled through my hands. I pulled them off my face now that the blush was dying down, and just lay on my back as I flopped them to my sides. "Just play the song."
"Ooooookay?" he said, "As long as you're fine." I heard him stand up, swap the record out, and then, before he could start the next song, he asked me, "Hey, after this one, do you wanna go look for an album to listen to together? That guy on JCJ-tube who was posting all the metal songs also posts other genres, and he posted a song or two from the OneShot OST that were really nice to relax to. Wanna see if they have that in the retro gaming OST section?"
I glanced over to Frankie, seeing the hesitant smile on his own face… he'd been smiling at me more often ever since that night where we almost died. I gave a shy, but honest smile back. "Y-yeah, Frankie. I'd like that," I told him.
He walked over to me and offered a hand to help me up. My smile got a lot bigger as I took it.
___
(Joseph)
And then our time concludes
And far beyond the stars we flew
FOREVER
The beat and synths picked up as the Musiika Remix of Forever kicked off on my internal speakers as I left sleep mode that fine weekend morning. I stretched even though I didn't need to.
Tell myself I lost my soul for you
I took a few seconds to stare at the ceiling above me, contemplating the fact that I still haven't listened to the original version of the credits song for Murder Drones or the AI extended version FOREVERMORE by A milk of glass on Youtube. I wanted to save the both of those to be a personal celebration for after beating the Solver.
Go thereafter see you never
I slapped my face lightly to turn off the alarm clock. Something felt off… I thought through things for a moment in overclock. Everything was on schedule for what it needed to be. No pressing issues from friends for now. I could do with checking spy cameras later, but that could be done later. Kinda wanted to give JNV another week or three to decompress after the thrashing we gave them and the nervous breakdown our… admittedly overenthusiastic trolling of J gave the poor woman. I thought for another few moments. Maybe it was something to do with the 4th Wall? Been a while since I thought of anything in particular to torture react fic audiences with…
I snapped my fingers. "Right," I muttered. "Forget torturing react audiences , what if there's an alt-version of myself watching me right now ?!? I should help me! Do unto others as I would do unto myself, and I should help myself so others help me… that's how that works, right?" I shrugged. "Eh, ponder philosophy and theology after the apocalypse." I went into my settings and put a tiny, yet visible date and time widget in a corner of my HUD. "There we go! Now another Joe will have timestamps for all the unhinged bullshit I pull in pursuit of saving reality!"
As she waits at dawn,
Looking for a way,
To escape her lonely heart!
(Let them swallow you!)
Uzi's ringtone played as I blinked a few times before picking up. " Dimmi Tutto ?" I asked… and also internally hoped I wouldn't have to scramble to move Doll's parents again .
"Hey… Joseph…" I paused at the concern in Uzi's voice, especially that she was saying my full name instead of Joe. "Not an emergency!" she suddenly clarified, and I relaxed. "I… I wanted to wait a while since you got so messed up by the whole 'AU' thing," I got a bit concerned again, "But… I thought it might be a good idea that since you're in a better headspace now, you should do a more thorough deep dive into your memories of canon, and see if there are any other big differences we should be ready for. I'm sorry in advance if this messes you up. I… I think… I know … you're actually traumatized by that… I don't want to make you… make you scared by this… but I think it's important."
I sighed. "Yeah… you're right." I already wasn't looking forward to this. I grimaced as I got dressed.
"I'm sorry," Uzi said. "I… do you want a sister hug later?"
I froze for a moment. I knew Uzi was happy that I sorta unofficially adopted her as a sister, but she really didn't like to talk about it, even in private. I think she was embarrassed to show familial affection to me, like she was maybe afraid people would think we were dating again or something. That she was asking me for this but offering a sibling hug was a big gesture from her. So aloud I said, "Yeah, I think I would."
"I'll give you a really big hug later then, Joe," she said, sounding just a little bit embarrassed.
"I'm looking forward to it," I told her, and I was completely honest. Then I sighed again. "Right… gonna overclock and dive into canon now."
"You… want me to stay in the call?"
"Yeah… I think I'd appreciate that."
I took a deep (and completely useless) breath, and went full-in on my overclock, pulling up memories of nights spent watching Murder Drones on my laptop, and then deciding "fuck that" and going for the rewatch on my Xbox. I wanted a big screen so I could check each frame of important moments for anything important I missed. Episode 1 and 2 actually gave me some laughs, though J's first (and technically 2nd when her Solverpede got murdered) deaths made me sad, because I wanted to save Tessa's poor Jaybird from her canon fate. But… I wasn't hurt by her death, because despite all her attempts to murder me and all the fights, I still hadn't really gotten to know J personally . There was a detachment between me and her, so while I saw her death as a tragedy I wanted to avert, it wasn't something that actually hurt me… not like Episode 3. I knew going in that I was gonna watch Doll murder Kelsey and Penny. I knew going in that I'd prevented that. Doll would never do that. Not just in the literal sense, but also in the sense that I've changed her very morality over the years as I helped her heal that she'd be horrified by the mere thought of that.
But I had to make myself sit there, and watch every. Single. Frame. In detail . I saw a Doll that would never be have Kelsey running terrified from her. I saw her Solver crack Kelsey's glasses… I saw her on OS insulting her nearsightedness, and paused for a millionth of a second to go make a mental note to talk to Uzi about dealing with whatever asshole in JCJ programmed the ability for our own OS's to insult us over something like that. Once we got the Isekai Reveal done for everyone, I definitely wanted Uzi to fix that. I'd probably help her, for a bit of practical experience diving into another drone's OS myself. But I digress.
I saw Doll wrap her Solver around Kelsey's arm. Drag the grip down to her wrist. Rip her arm off , and then summon a trio of knives to fling at her to finish her off. I paused at the screen going black just moments after I saw Kelsey's terrified gaze reflected in the knives an instant before her canon death. I shivvered in real-time. I… I stopped that. I prevented it. It's not gonna happen. Kelsey's fine right here and now , she's going to be fine in the future , she's Doll's friend here , she's my friend , she's gonna be okay … I tried to distract myself by going back into the playthrough, and regretted that as I watched Doll cross Kelsey's name off an oil-stained list just after killing her --
I felt nauseous for the first time in years .
I was breathing heavily, even if I didn't need to. I just watched one of my friends die by the hand of one of my other friends, who I loved to bits, and this was not okay, it's fucking awful, and traumatic but I still have to relive it with perfect clarity and watch it frame by frame--
"Are you okay, Joe?" I heard Uzi's voice cut through the haze of my thoughts.
"Saw…" I said in a low voice… "Had to watch Kelsey's death… not fun when you actually know her… wasn't nice to see when she was just someone on a screen to me, but I know her now, I've gone to her birthday's, I gave her bestie a funeral , I've hugged her as she cried, and I just fucking watched her die-- I fucking watched DOLL murder her and cross her name off a LIST --" I took a shaky breath and tried to hold it. There wasn't a fucking point , practically speaking, but old instructions from a therapist I'd seen in my first life still helped even now. "One-- give me a moment…"
Breathe in for three seconds.
Hold for five seconds.
Breathe out for three seconds.
Breathe in for three seconds.
Hold for five seconds.
Breathe out for three seconds.
Breathe in for three seconds.
Hold for five seconds.
Breathe out for three seconds.
I started to get myself back under control. "I'm gonna need that hug later," I mumbled.
"Do… do you want me to come over?"
I swallowed. My throat felt dry. Which was weird , because that had never been an issue in this life before. "Yeah," I whispered. "Yeah, I do." I… I didn't want to admit weakness to this, but fuck , that was traumatic, and I wanted to have someone I trusted hold me and tell me that I wasn't gonna get everyone killed and that things were gonna turn out okay. I… I regretted Andrew's death enough, and there wasn't anything I could have even done about it. I don't think I could handle someone else dying.
"I'm on the way, let me just tell dad that I'm heading out to visit you, okay?"
"I… I think I might wait until you get here to watch any more deaths."
"I… think that's for the best, Joe."
I focused on breathing pointlessly, but the rote motion calmed my roiling emotions and synthetic stomach. I ran calculations for power armor in my head while I waited. Uzi came into my hab seven minutes and 23 seconds later, having jogged the whole way. I'd given her a spare key a week after I'd given her the Isekai Reveal. I waited as I heard her open a different door, and turned down my audials to give her privacy while she said something to her Aunt and Uncle's bodies. When my motion tracker picked her up moving towards me again, I turned them back up.
She walked into the room and saw me sitting on the bed, hands clasped in front of me and staring at her, thumping my leg. "Hey, Joe…" She grimaced for a moment, then her expression flipped to determined and contrite all in one in a second (she'd overclocked), and then she stalked over to me and wrapped me in a hug. "I'm sorry," she told me. "You can stop for today if you want to."
I untangled my fingers and hugged her back. "I… I should finish Episode 3, at least," I said in a low voice. "Can't… uh, show you , for obvious reasons, but can you sit with me while I do?"
"Sure…" she said, sitting down next to me while still holding an arm against me. The contact felt grounding. "I'm… I'm sorry again… bro …" she finished in a small voice.
"Thanks… sis …" I muttered.
We both sat there for a moment, and then said in perfect sync: "Fuck no, that's way too fucking weird." A beat passed, and then we both burst into shaky laughter.
I recovered first, still sobered by the burdens of a canon I was derailing. "Yeah, so unofficial sibling dynamic only, because that was really uncomfortable."
"Yeah, so not calling you 'bro,' again. That felt so weird."
I wheezed. "Thanks, Uzi," I told her.
"I'm still sorry," she reiterated.
"Not your fault. I'm the guy burdened with knowledge of a future I'm trying to prevent. I told you what's gonna happen, but none of you need to see it in 4k." I froze, a realization from earlier events hitting me. "Oh god, there's a timeline where a version of us are watching this in a react fic and did just see Doll murder Kelsey in 4k in my traumatic flashback sequence! FUCK! I'm sorry, other us'!"
Uzi gave me a look . "Dude, I'm sure they appreciate the concern, but I'm pretty sure the alt-us' would agree with me when I say we need to worry about this version of ourselves first."
"Probably right, but still…"
"There's such a thing as being too self-aware, Joe, and I think you might be getting there," Uzi said, using one arm to pull me closer.
I frowned, but she was probably right. "Fair enough… still sorry to other versions of us though. Sorry, alt-me."
"Is this one of those things where you focus on a different facet of existential dread to distract yourself from your current facet of existential dread?" she asked me.
I sighed. "Yeah," I admitted. "Lemme… get back to Episode 3."
I dived back into The Promening , only really coming out to show two scenes over my visor display: Doll saying, " As they say in Russian, 'Whoops, I should have predicted that someone could escape out of a ventilation shaft using discarded mirrors as stairs,' " which got a great laugh and then a suddenly very sober comment of "Thank frickin robo-god we made sure her hab never got that bad," that I wholeheartedly agreed with… And I also teased Uzi with her technically asking N to Prom, which got me a playful punch to the shoulder, as well as a blush and a quiet thank you for trying to wingman her with this, even if it's totally my fault for that comment I made back when she was seven.
Compared to Kelsey's death, Penny's death was a fucking jumpscare by comparison. She's running in fear for her life in one second, and Doll [ROTATE]s her neck with a crunch that made me feel ill, and then crushed her into an oily paste in the next instant . I gagged, having to pause the playback again to cope with the death of another friend. Why… just why ? She said she liked V's dress! That's all she did . She wanted to pursue fashion! No sympathy for V, she did nothing wrong to Doll, but she just killed her in an instant .
"Joe?" Uzi asked me.
"I… I swear to all that is holy, if you start pulling N's gag from Episode 2 of repeatedly asking if I'm good, I'm gonna… do something to embarrass you later!"
I got another hug in response. "I'm sorry," she told me.
"Not your fault," I told her. "I gotta… I gotta do this. Make sure I didn't miss anything else." A realization hit me as I mentally braced myself and reran Penny's canon death again. "She never changed her haircut in canon," I whispered. Something I'd known intellectually but never really connected in my head until just now.
"Who?" Uzi asked me.
"Penny," I told her. "I just… just watched Doll kill her in canon…" I closed my optics for a few moments and focused on breathing. "Penny never changed her haircut. None of us were ever her friends. She never got commissioned by people. She died alone and terrified, an orphan who survived impossible odds as an infant to get her potential mashed into a puddle just because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time and verbally expressed interest in a field she loved."
"That's…" Uzi trailed off. "It's not gonna happen."
I nodded quietly. I focused on my breathing, and then went and opened the locket I had to look at the photo. All my friends. They were all there . They were all alive . They were all safe . Kelsey was okay. Penny was okay. Doll would never even hurt them here, nevermind kill them. Dolly… she was gonna be fine too. I helped her heal. I helped her with Lizzy. I helped her with Uzi. She still has family with Uzi and Khan. I kept her code family safe. I have them in my hab . She was never gonna turn out like that. She was never gonna--
Tendrils on a core with dim red lights wriggling in the Solver's mouth as it bit down, swallowed, and then SLURPED UP the now LIMP limbs of Doll's core--
I stumbled to my feet, tearing from Uzi's one-armed grip on my shoulder, and staggered over to a garbage can that I kept by my bed, collapsing onto my knees as I bent over it and threw up for the first time in my second life, bringing back uncomfortable reminders of far too many times to count spent over a toilet bowl or garbage can in my first life due to either a stomach flu, my ever present acid reflux, or both. I heaved again, and threw up more. I stayed there for a few seconds and I felt Uzi come over and put a hand on my back, rubbing it in a circle gently. My vision was blurry. There were digital tears on my visor, and then my regret was suddenly replaced with white-hot rage .
"I'm not…" I panted… taking a moment. "I won't let you hurt her," I hissed out. "Fuck you, Solver, you aren't touching Doll on my watch… You aren't touching her, you aren't touching Uzi," I breathed heavily for a few more seconds. "None of them. Not even one of them. I won't let you…"
"Joe? I--"
I shakily held up a hand to cut Uzi off. I took another minute to collect myself, and then reached a hand out. I didn't need it, but I wanted Uzi to help me stand up, before I slowly trudged to the bathroom to rinse my mouth out with water a balmy 0.20 degrees above zero. Thank fuck I was a robot and that didn't cause me any harm.
I came back out and Uzi clapped a hand on my shoulder. "Okay, what was that ?" she demanded.
"Flashback to Doll dying," I bluntly laid on her.
Her optics hollowed. "Oh." There was a few seconds of silence, and then she said, "I can understand throwing up now… Fuck."
I gave her a tired look. "Lemme empty the garbage can. Just because we can't smell the puke doesn't mean it's not nasty," I told her.
"I'll do it," she asserted. "Is… is there anything else traumatic in Episode 3?"
"Flashback to Yeva and Mikhail dying, but the audience doesn't actually see it, and Doll getting shot through the back of the head by V, but she gets better." A beat, and then I added, "That's still gonna fucking suck to watch though… I don't… I don't wanna see Dolly get hurt." I grimaced.
"I think you should stop," Uzi told me.
"Let me… let me go through the flashback, and then I'll stop. That's probably important to check for details," I replied.
Uzi grimaced herself. "That's it , then. We'll… we can go back to this later."
I nodded, and dived back into overclock for one more relatively quick look, as much as I knew I'd probably regret it. And yeah, that was V about to murder Mihkail in the snow--
The snow.
There were trees in the background.
I hadn't noticed that in my first watch-throughs in my first life at all. I hadn't noticed that when going through canon while panicking when I found out we were in an AU. I'd obviously seen it, because I wouldn't have recalled it otherwise, but it has slipped my conscious notice until just this moment in time. Which was deeply fucking concerning. I came back to real time, and sat there, numb, while I waited for Uzi to come back. And when she did… "Doll's parents died outside in canon…" I muttered aloud.
Uzi snapped her gaze to me. "What?"
"They were outside when they died. We know they died inside here," I said.
"That's a big freaking change ."
"Did V even break into the Bunker in canon?" I questioned. "Did everyone else's parents not die? Or did they die in a different manner? Did Doll's parents die differently and then V still broke in and just killed everyone else's folks in the same way but at a separate point in time-- maybe in the canon timeline, they had a key to the Doors to get out, and that's how V got in?"
"Holy crap," Uzi muttered. "That's…"
Uzi never got to finish her thought, because TNCOO3(&T) pinged a moment later.
Кукла: Hey… can we all meet at my hab? Some Solver stuff came up last night and I want to talk to all of you about it.
I looked at Uzi. She looked back at me. "Table this for later?" she asked.
"Yeah," I agreed.
Isekai_Protagonist: OTW
Darkxwolf16: I was hanging out with Joe. We'll be getting there together.
Babeatron-Queenthousand: Headed over now, Dolly.
Thad_the_Chad: Was taking a morning shower. I might be about 20 minutes.
KayKay: Was practicing at the parkour range. I have Penny, Emily, and Trevor with me. Don't rush, Thad, we'll take about that long to get back up to Doll's hab anyways.
TotesBestGirl: Totes on the way.
DarrenToDream: I'll be there in 10.
Dress-to-Impress: Yeah, don't worry, Thad.
TheLastCrusade: Trev and I are on the way with Penny and Kelsey.
Horror_Movie_Survivor: Everything good, Doll?
Кукла: Yeah, there's no major problems. I just… I need to talk about this in person with everyone.
I was already munching down some wafers that were the equivalent to saltine crackers for drones, and downing it with some anti-freeze which wouldn't help my stomach at all , but I wanted a fucking pick-me-up for my general feeling of energy as well as my tastebuds, and I could probably hold my stomach down better now. Uzi was waiting for me at the door, and we left.
"What do you think she found out?" Uzi asked me.
"Hope she didn't accidentally delete half her hab with a [NULL]," I remarked.
Uzi sucked in a breath. "Yeah, that'd be scary and worth calling everyone over to discuss.
Cross my heart and hope to die
Welcome to my dark side
To my dar-dar-darkside
To my dar-dar-darkside
I gave a glance to Uzi as I heard Neoni's Darkside playing faintly from her internal speakers. She helped up a finger and took the call. "Cuz?" she asked. Four seconds passed while we walked, and then she said, "Yeah, Joe's with me. You want me to add him to the call?" She waited another beat, looked over at me, and I picked up the invite to the call before it could even start ringing.
"Dolly--"
" I fucked up ," Doll said.
"Cuz?" Uzi asked, concerned, and we shared a glance and then started walking faster.
" I messed with the nanite acid canister. "
I felt my circuits freeze. "Are you okay?!?" I asked.
"Cuz, I told you not to!"
" I know! I was an idiot ! I shouldn't have done that! I had to cut off a finger to save the rest of my hand-- "
Uzi and I both froze mid-step to glance at each-other.
We both overclocked and hopped onto the TNPAPT in sync.
Isekai_Protagonist: She just discovered she can regen, didn't she?
Darkxwolf16: HOLY CRAP!!!
Isekai_Protagonist: ARE WE GONNA GET TO DO MECHROMANCY FINALLY?!?
Darkxwolf16: I DON'T KNOW!!! BUT I'M ALSO *SUPER PISSED* SHE FOUND OUT LIKE THIS!!!
We snapped back to real-time.
" --but then my finger grew back and I don't know what to do about that, and before that my hair is apparently growing out of my head now and isn't a wig anymore, and I'm sorry , but I'm scared, and I wanted to tell you two first because you went out to get it for me in the first place and warned me not to mess with it, and I still need to tell Liz, and-- "
"Cuz," Uzi said. "You fucked up. Badly . That could have gone way worse , but at least you're okay , and I'm mad at you , but at least you're okay , but please don't scare me like that again, Doll!"
We started to race-walk to Doll's hab, and I messaged Uzi on the TNPAPT again, and this time, Rebecca and Darren were ready on the overclock to join in a conversation that took place between the tick of a second hand.
Isekai_Protagonist: SHOULD we ream her over this? Maybe just try to segue into the Mechromancy first? Reprimand her later? Hell, we could maybe even have her MOM join us on that?
Darkxwolf16: Joe.
Darkxwolf16: I WARNED HER.
Darkxwolf16: Cuz could have fucking DIED.
Darkxwolf16: I'm yelling at her for being an idiot FIRST.
TotesBestGirl: Yeah, Doll totes needs to be told not to fly off the handle like that again. BEFORE we bring up her mom, so we can make sure that it sinks in.
DarrenToDream: Gonna HARD agree with Becca on that one.
I turned up my overclock. I… I'd kinda wanted to get my mind off canon by going straight into this… but no… I'm jumping the gun. Dolly really could have gotten killed over this. They… they were right. I was pissed at her, but I needed to put my foot down too. Gods forbid she flew off the handle while we were fighting Murder Drones.
Isekai_Protagonist: You're right. I was trying to get my mind off of canon, but you're right. We should chew out Doll over this first. You're totally right, and this is REALLY important to you and I should have respected that. I'm sorry.
Darkxwolf16: Joe…
Darkxwolf16: I didn't realize that it was still messing you up.
Darkxwolf16: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you that bad.
Isekai_Protagonist: Still my fault, even if I have a semi-valid excuse.
DarrenToDream: What's going on?
Isekai_Protagonist: I dived back through canon to check for other discrepancies. Saw Kelsey and Penny die. Wasn't pleasant. Had a flashback to Doll's death. Threw up. Still not up to 100% yet.
TotesBestGirl: Are you good, Joe?
Isekai_Protagonist: No, but I'm at like 90% of normal already, and this is IMPORTANT. Dolly messed up, but she just figured out she has regen.
TotesBestGirl: OH DAMN!
DarrenToDream: Imminent Mechromancy?
Darkxwolf16: We're yelling at cuz for being an idiot because she found out by messing with V's stinger and spilling NANITE ACID on her finger and then CUTTING IT OFF to save her hand, but yeah, after that we're gonna try to swing this into Mechromancy.
TotesBestGirl: Aight. We got your backs.
DarrenToDream: What Becca said.
The second hand ticked as we all went back to real-time, and Doll replied over the call. " I know. I'm sorry! I… I've been torn up over it all night. I messed up, when I just wanted to see if I could use it on that monster , and then I could have gotten myself killed , and I just… I feel so awful about it, but I'm also scared because the Solver is changing my body and I can apparently regenerate like the Murder Drones can and-- "
"Dolly." I cut her off. "We're mad at you, but we don't hate you. We're gonna reprimand you for this, because we care about you and what you did was dangerous and fucking stupid and you did it alone and if something happened no one might have found out for hours … but we don't hate you for this. Yeah, we're mad, but that's coming from a place of care… you're on your own for dealing with Liz, though."
" Cazzo di merda ," she spat out in Italian, and I had to overclock to not miss a step.
"Did you just curse in Italian ?" Uzi asked.
" Joe does it all the time! " Doll defended.
"Yeah," I said, "But your whole thing is talking in Russian."
" Are you saying I can't curse in Italian ?"
"No!" I verbally backed up. "I'm just saying that surprised us."
Uzi shook her head. "Stop trying to change the subject! I'm really mad at you for this, cuz!"
I started thinking up things to say, both for raking Doll over the metaphorical coals for this, as well as things concerning Mechromancy and the afterma-- I blinked… that… that could work … I thought, and started making new plans on the fly as the steps to Doll's hab dwindled ever closer to zero.
___