Chapter 29 - The Mechromancy Attempt (PT 2)(1)

(Doll)

I had my Mama back.

That thought just kept bouncing around in my processors. Joe intending to let us in on his secrets early, laying Papa to rest in the near future, Joe having literally pulled Mama's core out of her body and then dropping it in a bowl of oil, everything else that had been going on today… all that was swept aside by a single thought. 

I had my Mama back.

Joe went and did something stupid that worked -- was it really stupid if it worked ? I wondered --after he and cuz apparently had the same idea at the same time and Mama was alive again. I was carrying her core in my pocket. It was… fleshy… like I apparently was inside, but she was there, alive , and with me again. 

I had my Mama back.

I felt like I was dreaming for the first time since Joe had given me the program to disable those. I was terrified that I'd wake up at any given moment and that none of what had happened in the past thirty-odd hours was real.

I had my Mama back.

I glanced down into my coat pocket, where I still had a hand gently cradling my mother, two tentacles wrapped around my fingers in turn. The monocular eyelight within the cybernetic thing that housed my Mama and was apparently inside me too now glanced back up at me.

I had my Mama back.

" Kukolka ?" I heard her whisper, and even though it sounded staticky, like it was coming through a radio, it was still my Mama's voice , and that nearly sent me crying all over again, before Liz squeezed my other hand from where she was holding it as we walked. I swallowed, and focused again.

"Mama?" I asked her, and had to refocus again when I felt a wave of dizziness as my processors finally started to rationalize all over again that this was real, and had actually happened, and I wasn't gonna lose her again.

" You're so… so much taller now… I didn't want to ask because I didn't want to overwhelm you earlier, but how… how long-- "

"You've been dead for a bit longer than three and a half years, Aunt Yeva," Uzi said, having slipped back through the group of us as we quietly rushed down dark halls to wherever Joe was taking us as he pushed the trolley with the oil barrel and Mama and Papa's covered bodies at the front.

Mama's eye hollowed out. " T-Three and a half-- "

"I never activated my Solver from mom dying by the way," Uzi said in a low, but slightly hurt tone. "You kept me away from my cousin in all but code for three years for no reason, and her seeing you die activated hers . Which we all helped her with, by the way. She never had to kill or eat anyone because we've been donating her our own oil." Uzi matched pace with me, leaning over to glance down at Mama in my coat's pocket. "I'm not happy about that, I'm not gonna lie. That… that hurt, and we nearly grew up hating each other, if it wasn't for a mutual friend bothering to care ."

" I… Uzi… " Mama started. " I'm sorry. I… I saw Nori as a sister, and handled her death terribly . The first night she was gone, Mikhail had to empty our entire liquor cabinet because I'd been five bottles into it when he came home that day. I was scared, and Nori had always been the one to reign in the worst of my trauma, so without her, I just spiraled into Solver induced fear worse and worse. Mikhail… the night before… " Mama paused for a moment. " It was over three years ago by now… " She paused again. " I'm sorry Uzi. Mikhail had put his foot down, and convinced me that I'd made a terrible mistake. I was gonna try to fix things when the new year came around. Mikhail was fully prepared to fight Khan for custody of you. Legally, and physically if he had to. But… it was too little, too late, because that Murder Drone broke in the next day. "

Uzi had been getting progressively more and more shocked as Mama went on. I glanced ahead, and Joe's head was completely straight. I recalled he mentioned he had enhanced hearing once, and dimly realized he probably heard all of that too. We shuffled along in silence for a bit before cuz finally settled on, "Well, to paraphrase Joe, fuck me in a non-sexy way, that makes my life way more depressing." I heard Joe srnk from up ahead, and that and cuz snapping her head forwards to shoot an annoyed glare at the back of Joe's head confirmed he heard every word that was being said.

" Uzi Doorman! Language! " Mama chided.

Cuz rolled her eyemotes. "Hacked my parental controls after two years of parental neglect," she drawled. "Took even longer and someone literally punching dad in the face to sort him out, but he did get better, and when he later realized I did it because I wanted to pirate anime to combat my crippling loneliness and social isolation, he let me keep it off. Not like I couldn't have hacked it again anyways."

Mama glanced away, looking guilty, and I frowned at cuz. "Come on, Hot Topic," Liz said, "She's over three years out of touch and said she was going to try and fix things before everything went to hell. She just came back from the dead ." Mama flinched in my pocket. "Cut her a break."

Uzi shifted from her annoyed gaze to a contrite expression in a second. I dimly wondered if her, Joe, and now Rebecca and Darren also being able to do that was part of Joe's secrets that he was going to explain. "I… I'm sorry, Aunt Yeva," Uzi said. "I just… what you did hurt me a lot , and nearly put a permanent rift between Doll and I. But…" She took a breath and let it out, and then her next words were said in a far more raw tone than cuz usually spoke in. "I'm so happy you're still alive, Aunt Yeva. I'm so, so happy you're alive."

Mama looked up at Uzi for a few moments, before shifting in my pocket to look away. " I'm sorry I failed you when you needed me. Nori would have kicked my ass if she knew how I handled things. "

Uzi scoffed. "We'll get back to mom later," she said, cryptically.

"What does that mean?" Liz asked before Mama or I could get over our own confusion and shock.

"And where the hell are we going ?" Trevor asked, and I looked up to see that we were a decent way past any inhabited part of the bunker by now.

"To the place where I'm gonna explain everything," Joe called out from the front of the group, and I felt Mama clumsily clamber to the lip of my coat pocket to peer at Joe as he turned his head to talk. "I said I'm gonna explain everything after we get there, including Nori. We're not there yet , but I will explain things once we are."

"And why can't you explain them here? Besides apparently having something to fix Doll's mom's body over there?" Kelsey asked.

"Because what I'm going to tell you is so fucking nonsensical that you won't believe me without proof."

"Joe-bro?" Thad asked. "Just what the heck have you been hiding, dude?"

"The truth," Joe said in a measured tone, "About the Solver, who I really am, the Murder Drones, and what's coming our way. And that's all I'll say until we get there." He faced forwards once more.

" Who are you, and just how much do you know about the Solver ?" Mama asked, tone terse.

"Joseph, a dumbass who found himself in a position to change things, and I know more about the Solver than you , that's for sure, zero-four-eight," he called back.

Mama froze for a moment, and then raised a claw, a Solver glyph shakily flickering to life as she glared at his back. Uzi was already starting to move, but for once I beat cuz to a reaction, shifting the hand that had been cradling Mama to instead nudge her appendage down. I knew just how dangerous the Solver was to non-infected drones. Mama could have killed Joe in an instant . " Mama! " I protested. " He's my friend! "

Joe glanced back, optics hollowing. "Oooooookaaaaaaay!" he said, sounding way more nervous. "Cabin Fever's a touchier subject than I thought! Very sorry about that!"

" Doll! " Mama protested.

" No! " I shot back. I… I wasn't gonna let even Mama hurt Joe without a damn good reason. " He's my friend. You could kill him with your Solver! I don't know why what he said was significant, but he's gonna tell us soon! Just because it freaked you out doesn't mean you can hurt him !"

"Once again," Joe said, optics still ringed out. " Seriously didn't think CF Labs would still be that bad for you. I really am sorry. Also… thanks Dolly… for, you know, making sure I don't get potentially mangled. Reeeeeally appreciate that. Mangling is bad for my health."

" Dolly ?" Yeva said, narrowing her optic at Joe.

" Joseph is one of my best friends , Mama, " I told her. " He helped me cope with losing you and Papa, helped me heal , helped me fix things with cuz, helped me with my oil needs so I never had to kill anyone , and he's the one that brought you back! "

Mama wilted a bit with each piece of what I said, and when I finished, actually flinched before she gave a crackling sigh. " I… I'm sorry, Joseph. I don't… I don't know who you are, but you've evidently helped my daughter a great deal, and I overreacted. But I would like an explanation for how you know that. "

"And I'll give it when we get there," Joe said. "I promise ." We rounded a corner to a section of warehouses that seemed to be a dead end. Joe had pulled out an industrial flashlight at some point. "Speaking of, time to face the music," he muttered, slumping for a moment, before he squared himself with all the poise of a man marching to his execution, and then added in a louder voice, "Rebecca, Darren, mind getting the door?"

"On it!" one of my closer friend's boyfriend said as he jogged down the hall.

"We should totes change the password from '420DoorsSuckShit,' though," Rebecca remarked as she started to jog ahead for the warehouse door on the right side of the dead end. 420-what?!? I thought. Cuz snickered.

Darren opened a panel at the end of the hall and flicked a light switch, which didn't seem to do anything, and then he walked over to the other side of the hall and pushed his foot into a hidden button next to the floor, calling out, "All yours Becca!"

Three more seconds, and then I heard hydraulics hissing as a door opened, and Rebecca said. "We're good!"

Joe started moving towards the warehouse Rebecca had gone into, and everyone followed him. "Is that a secret door ?" Kelsey asked as we all filed in and looked at what, by all accounts, very much appeared to be a secret door in the wall that was currently open.

"It totes is," Rebecca remarked. 

"Not the only one he has, either. Joe literally has secret doors in his secret lair, which is already behind a secret door," Darren added.

"That's cool ," Penny went. 

"How long have you been working on this?" Trevor asked, flabbergasted as we came up to the hidden entrance, Joe pushing the trolley in, the rest of us hesitantly starting to follow behind. 

"Since about four and a half months after first waking up here," Joe said, some pride slipping into his tone. We walked down a short hall and then stopped in what appeared to be some kind of cavernous dark room, bigger than the warehouse we were just in by far. Joe let go of the trolley in the small pool of light from his flashlight, clicked it off, plunging us into darkness, and then we heard a snap from his fingers, and I had to blink as dozens of lights came on overhead. I recalibrated my optics in a single second, glancing at Joe to see him giving a theatrical grin that looked the slightest bit fragile, arms spread in a grandiose gesture, my present for his 10th birthday clutched in one hand. "Ladies and Gents, welcome to The Scrapyard!"

Cuz scoffed. "You decided on that name just now, didn't you?"

"Nuh uh!" Joe protested. "I decided on that back in my hab, thank you very much." 

"Like a 20 minute difference is any better!" 

"I'm not disputing that , I'm disputing your claim that I came up with the name on the fly just now!" 

Cuz sighed. "Robo-goddamnit, why was I surprised you'd argue the semantics?" 

"You should know this about me by now !!!" 

"WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THIS?!?" Thad shouted, and I finally looked around myself. 

We were in what appeared to be a cavernous… secret lair was really the only way I could describe it. I saw a firing range, a large alcove in the wall with the label Vehicle Bay above it, a firing range, what looked to be four Industrial Grade Matter Printers, a place labelled storage, dozens more side rooms, a workshop, and everything on the exterior looked to be lined with the same stuff Uncle Khan built his doors out of. My jaw was dropping as I took in more and more and more and more and more and more. This looked like an entire factory, command facility, and headquarters for a war campaign all rolled into one and armored with the finest metals Uncle Khan had ever devised. 

"What the hell is this?" Liz asked.

"This," Joe said, suddenly sounding far less enthused, "is my secret lair, The Scrapyard, where I've been preparing for a war to kill an Eldritch Horror for over three years now."

"Don't you have amnesia?" Trevor asked. "How… how'd you even know about the Solver that early?"

Joe sighed. "Let's… head somewhere a bit more comfortable for this talk… it's gonna be a long one," Joe said. "Unless, Yeva?" Joe asked towards Mama. "Do you want to get in a new body now ? Or--"

" I want an explanation first ," Mama said, " Because everything I've heard so far says you shouldn't know any of what you do. "

"Like how you beat the original Tetris, which should be scientifically impossible since the original game didn't have a victory screen, but you did it anyways?" Joe ventured.

I froze. Mama froze. " H… h-how …" Mama trailed off, actually sounding scared .

Joe's expression became contrite. "I wanted to establish my credibility. I know things that I shouldn't . I'm gonna explain things, but let's head to the lounge in Vault 2 first."

"Vault TWO?!?" Thad exclaimed. 

"Of seven ," cuz said. "And we still haven't found Vault 5!" Joe snrked , and cuz gave him a stink-eye.

"You have six more secret lairs inside your other secret lair?!?" Liz cried out. 

Joe gave a sardonic grin, and cuz strolled over to put a hand on his shoulder. His grin became a bit less strained at that. "Yeah, I do," he said. He waved a hand. "This way, ladies and gents."

"This is insane ," Emily muttered. She grabbed Trevor's hand.

He squeezed her hand back. "Yeah, I'm kinda just speechless and waiting for the explanation that'll make everything make sense," her boyfriend agreed.

"You're gonna wanna sit down for this," Darren pipped up as we walked through the massive underground chamber towards a side room. 

"What are you gonna tell us?" Kelsey asked. 

"Like Joe said, the truth ," cuz remarked.

I finally found my own voice again. " Cuz ?" I asked, Mama just hanging from the lip of my pocket and gawking at everything on display. I threw a glance to a particular spot she seemed locked on, and the label above it read Armory . 

"I… I figured out a decent amount of what was going on on my own, and Rebecca dragged Darren along when she snuck after me when I was on my way here to work on some stuff with Joe," Uzi started. "But Joe's been leaving hints since really early on, trying to clue us in without saying anything himself. He… he wanted us to figure out the truth.

" The truth ?" I asked.

"Oh my robo-god," Liz suddenly said, and we all turned to her. "When you said that you thought there was some kind of worldview shattering conspiracy around Uzi and Dolly's moms, you knew that back then ."

"WHAT?!?" Thad shouted, whirling around on Joe, optics wide with shock.

"You know the future ?" Emily said.

"I know one future," Joe said as we came up to some kind of break room. "One future that was awful , and that I've been working to derail since day one." 

Uzi pulled ahead as we went into the room, and I thought we were gonna talk about things here, but instead she pulled up the projector screen on the far wall and pressed a hidden button. A section of wall flipped to reveal a hidden panel, and Rebecca typed in a code while Darren leaned against a seemingly random section of wall, one foot braced against it. And then a different section of wall slid open as another secret door.

Joe chuckled. "You two have just been waiting to do that, haven't you?"

"Totes," Rebecca said with a grin.

"You and Uzi made it look so cool that day," Darren agreed. 

" You're interactive ," Mama muttered as we strode into another secret lair, " I saw that much before Doll pulled my …" she glanced down at her claw… tentacle…

"Appendage?" Joe suggested. 

" Appendage ," Mama agreed. " Before Doll pulled it down. You can't have the Solver, so how would you know about it like Nori and I did ?"

We walked through another couple rooms and halls, coming into a much more casual and comfortable looking breakroom. Like somewhere you'd hang out rather than have a meeting. Cuz, Darren, and Rebecca went over to a fridge and started getting bottles of anti-freeze for everyone. Joe went over to it as well and grabbed a canister of oil, one with a straw, for Mama and I. We both took the offered beverages and then sat down, that fragile smile back on Joe's face. Mama started downing the oil immediately, and I started to lightly sip at my own.

Joe sat down in front of everyone. Cuz sat on a chair next to him, and Darren and Rebecca sat on a couch across from him. Joe was thumping a leg and he clasped his fingers together in his lap. He suddenly glanced over to Uzi, and then Darren and Rebecca, and they all offered smiles to him. He gave a small grin back, and then took in a breath and slowly let it out. He shut his eyemotes for a moment, his visor flashing to the text [Psyching self up for a painful talk] before they blinked back to his eyes and he set his face to a determined expression. 

He opened his mouth, and started to talk. "I… I wanna preface this all by asking that no one interrupts me. I mean, you probably will, and I won't get mad at that, but I'll tell you now that it'll just make this longer, and that I'd cover every topic eventually. I'd also like to say that this doesn't get easier. I know what to say better each time, but saying it is just as hard. And… I wanna apologize in advance. For having lied to you all for years about this. Because I'm gonna say things that will disturb you. Because I'll end up saying things that you won't like. Because I'm gonna ask you to do things you'll probably hate. Especially you two, Doll and Yeva. I... I KNEW this morning when I planned this entire operation, that if it worked and we had your mother back, that it would probably make this conversation SIGNIFICANTLY more difficult, but I still did it without hesitation because I had a chance to give you your mother back, and I'd NEVER forgive myself if I didn't take that chance at the first safe opportunity."

I wanted to ask so many things right now, but I kept my mouth shut. The room stared in rapt attention as Joe took another breath and then said, "Fuck it, let's just get it over with." He looked up, met everyone's gazes, and then kept going. "I have memories from before I first woke up. Not as Andrew," he clarified as Kelsey was already opening her mouth, "but as a human on an Earth in the distant past. I don't know how, why, or even exactly when I came here, but I do know that in my first life, towards the end of those twenty five years I spent on that Earth, in the early 2000s, I watched an Indie Animated Web Series called Murder Drones , created by a guy named Liam Vickers and produced by a studio named Glitch Productions. That show followed the adventure of one Uzi Doorman, in the year 3071, in a place called Outpost 3, on a planet called Copper 9, when she snuck out at 3am to slip into the Corpse Spire of the local Murder Drones to scavenge the last part she needed for a Magnetically Amplified Photon Converger in order to kill one of the aforementioned MDs."

Joe paused for a moment to let us all process that. That… that sounded like a plot straight out of one of the Isekai animes Joe kept recommending that we watch whenever we visited cuz's house. Like he was claiming he was an--

"It was your username the whole time, just staring us in the face, " I blurted out. " You didn't even try to hide it. " Joe's already fragile smile cracked a bit more, and I wanted to get up and give him a hug.

Three seconds passed in silence, and then the shouting began.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?" Liz cried out.

"WHAT?!?" Thad screamed.

"You're actually an Isekai Protagonist?!?" Trevor shouted.

"You were a human ?!?" Emily exclaimed.

"Oh my robo-god you woke up in Andrew's body and then had to adjust to suddenly being a robot while living in the corpse of my childhood friend …" Kelsey trailed off. " I am so sorry that you went through that and that I probably made it worse."

"Not… not gonna lie," Joe said, looking at the ground with a strained voice. "I… was not comfortable with the initial transition from flesh to steel, less happy with the realization that I was in the dead body of a child, and if anything, I felt more guilty about being stuck in Andrew's body for three years than you did seeing me in him. I… I am so sorry for putting you through that, Kelsey."

The room glanced over at Kelsey. "I… you didn't choose to be there, right? You didn't… get rid of Andrew, right? There was no control over you ending up there?"

"No, Kelsey!" Joe said, looking alarmed. "I never got a choice for how I got here, and I got out of Andrew's body at the first opportunity to not be suspicious about it, and believe me, I checked my own OS to see if Andrew was still there somehow. I… that bullet from V left him the equivalent of brain-dead. I woke up in a corpse with the only thing left of the original person in it being the eye color that just happened to match my first life. I… I'm so sorry, Kesley."

"Then… you… you never lied that you were Andrew. You tried from that first day to distance yourself from him and make it unambiguous that… that he was gone, and you were someone else. And if you had no control or effect on his death or waking up in his body… and you gave him that funeral when no one else would have…" Kelsey looked down for a second. "That's not your fault, Joe," she said. "There's nothing to apologize for."

Joe took a breath and swallowed. "That… that means a lot to me, Kelsey." He glanced up to meet her gaze. " Grazie, " he said. 

"So, you're from the other side of the Fourth Wall ?" Penny asked, optics burning with curiosity. 

My own optics widened as a realization hit me. " You were siphoning your own oil because you knew from that show you watched that I'd need it before my Solver even manifested! " I exclaimed.

"Yeah," Joe confirmed. "That day when you overheated on your tenth birthday? That was almost certainly your Solver Core growing in. Uzi, who'd already found me out on her own," cuz was visibly preening with smugness from where she was sat, "and I were just waiting for your powers to manifest at that point. I was terrified when Liz fell, but you saved her right then and there. I… that was amazing to see that day, Doll."

" You can't be serious! " Mama protested. I glanced to where she'd clambered to my shoulder, staring at Joe with incredulity. " You're claiming we're all characters from a web series you watched in a different life? Even in a reality with the Solver, that's ridiculous!"

"You were supposed to stay dead, Yeva," Joe said with all the bluntness of a sledgehammer. I froze, and I felt Mama stiffen on my shoulder. "Not even a case of you being brought back later in the timeline, your corpse was shown in Doll's hab for less than two minutes in Episode 3, and besides a flashback to you saving Nori just before the Core Collapse, you're never seen again." Joe was thumping his leg again. "I didn't even know if bringing you back would have worked. I had an idea , because your upper torso looked intact from that shot in Doll's hab, and I knew how Solver Cores worked, so it seemed plausible , but I was really just winging it in an attempt to give Doll her mother back. I know you have the Patch. I know you could teach Doll and later Uzi how to use their powers better than I ever could from my own meta-knowledge. But… I didn't know if today could have worked. I was just hoping that I could give Doll her mom back. I… I wanted to do that so badly , because I knew it was plausible and that Doll was still hurting." 

"Wait," Emily said, "You knew about this?"

I froze, and looked at Joe, a distinctly unpleasant feeling running through my circuits. " You… you knew before today and didn't tell me , Joe ?"

"We knew for about a year and a half, cuz," Uzi said, looking distinctly uncomfortable as she kept my gaze.

I felt hurt . Betrayed. " Why ?" I asked.

"How could I have safely brought that up?" Joe asked. "I wanted to… ever since we realized it was plausible, I wanted to so bad , but we had no clue if it would have actually worked or not. I should have done it earlier. But I was scared. And when Uzi and I realized it was possible, we were presented with me having to tell you why we thought it would work, which would have required this whole conversation way earlier with no guarantee it would work and that I wouldn't hurt you in the process, or having to betray your trust and break into your hab to try it on the spot while you were out, again, with no way to know if it would actually work or not. I… I didn't want to hurt you like that, dropping this all on you or betraying your trust like that." Joe grimaced and looked down. "I'm sorry , Doll," he said, voice cracking. I stared at him for a few moments, conflicted. He and cuz knew but sat on that knowledge for a year and a half that I could have had Mama back sooner… but… those were understandable reasons. If… if he'd tried this earlier, and he didn't manage to bring Mama back, or if he'd gone behind my back to try it and it didn't work… I wouldn't have handled that well. And… they still gave me Mama back. It… it hurt that they didn't tell me sooner, but… I glanced to Mama on my shoulder. Mama, who was here because of Joe and Uzi, who apparently wouldn't have come back otherwise.

Cuz picked up. "Then your Solver went active, and now it wasn't just a case of betraying your trust or potentially setting you up for more grief, but that if it went wrong or you caught us at the wrong time, you could have freaked out and used your Solver. I'm safe, but Joe isn't , and you could have accidentally killed him--" My eyemotes widened as I went to protest, but Joe cut us both off.

"I know you wouldn't do it on purpose, Doll, but a single moment of anger and a gesture made before it's thought through can kill with the Solver. And…and then the crippling guilt at the prospect of going behind your back while your parents were in my hab kept me from trying it there. I'm sorry . None of this is an excuse. I should have tried something a year and a half ago, but I didn't. And… and I understand if you hate me for that, Doll." 

I stared at Joe for a few seconds. He actually looked on the verge of tears. He actually thought I hated him. I… I was mad . I was a little hurt . But… but he and cuz gave me Mama back . That they did it at all mattered to me more than the timing that they did it. " Liz ?"

"Dolly?" she asked.

"Can you hold Mama?" I asked as I stood up. Liz shot up to her feet, and walked over to me.

" Kukolka ?" Mama asked me, concerned. 

" Just… just a minute, Mama ," I told her. Liz held her hands out, and Mama yelped as I picked her off my shoulder and plopped her into my bestie's hands. I had a feeling I was gonna get told off for that later. I couldn't wait for that, when before today I'd still be resigned to never hearing Mama's voice again. 

I reached out with my Solver, red glyph flickering to life, a chorus of shouts erupting across the room, Joe screaming in actual fear as I yanked him towards me, and then the scream dying down in a moment as he realized I was hugging the shit out of him… that custom frame of his was heavy . 

"Jesus fuck Doll, that scared the shit outta me!" Joe said.

" Good ," I told him, and he stared at me, genuinely nonplussed. I grinned a little at that, and kept hugging him while holding him in place with my Solver.. " You're an idiot if you think I'd hate you for giving me Mama back. Even if you waited on it, and even if that hurts a little, you still gave me my Mama back. That matters infinitely more than how long it took ," I said, my own voice starting to crack near the end. I let Joe go from my Solver, his feet finally falling to the floor.

He stood there blankly for a few seconds, and then he actually sniffled. And then did it again. " Non merito un amica come te, " he told me, and I pulled back to see him actually crying. "I don't deserve a friend like you," he repeated, and I just hugged him tighter. He slowly started to hug me, back, starting to sob at the same time. Liz walked over, Mama perched atop her head and looking on with concern, and Liz hugged Joe too.

"Look, Joe," Liz said. "You… you're literally a human who somehow woke up in Andrew's body on the wrong side of the 4th Wall, did I get that right?"

"Yeah," he confirmed.

"You… you always saw us as people instead of characters, right?"

"I… my initial perceptions were biased by canon, but I made a conscious effort to never treat any of you or think like any of you weren't people , Liz."

" And you know what's coming with the Solver from that… show you watched? " Mama questioned.

"Yeah," he said. 

Liz pulled back. "Wait, if you were a human, how old are you?"

Joe pulled back, and sniffled, but managed an annoyed look. " I swear to gods Liz ," he muttered. "I was a bit over 25 before I came here, and the three and a half years I spent on Copper 9 translate to a bit over 5 years on Earth, so I'm a bit over 30 counting both lives." 

Lizzy blinked. Once. Twice. Three times. "Wait, this is why you don't want to date me yet?!?"

Joe and I both pulled back from our hug to give Liz a look . Mama did too, before hopping from Liz's head to mine, fumbling, and falling, but Joe shot his hand out and caught her in a split second, and then plopped her back on my shoulder. He gave me a small, weak smile that I returned with a much more earnest one. Mama blinked her eye light once and then muttered a small thanks, to which Joe gave a nod. Then I turned back. " Really, Liz ?" I asked her.

"Lizzy, we know you're down bad but come on !" Trevor said.

Penny started giggling. "At least she has her priorities straight!" she exclaimed, and then burst into full-blown laughter, and was joined by Uzi and Rebecca, Darren shaking his head with a grin on his face.

"Lizzy!" Emily chided.

"Robo-godamnit, Lizzy," Thad said, actually looking upset. 

"You are a Total Disaster of a Bisexual, Lizzy," Kelsey told her.

"Oh unscrew you!" Liz shot back.

" He's over a decade older than you !" Mama admonished her.

"And that's kinda hot !" Liz replied, blushing but resolute. "Besides! We're robots! Ageless! Age is a number ! Who cares about a decade ! It won't matter in a century!"

There was a clang as Joe's palm impacted his forehead. "Why the fuck am I not surprised in the slightest, Liz?"

"And… and you told me you liked me back earlier today anyways," Liz trailed off, looking away.

"And I said I wasn't ready to commit to a relationship yet, regardless. And the reasons for that was that you didn't know the truth, which apparently isn't an issue for you, and besides that , I'm still waiting until you're 12 and therefore legal because that's 18 in Earth years regardless."

Liz blinked. "Wait, twelve is legal?" she asked, actually nonplused for once. 

" Cazzo di merda , of course that's your response," Joe muttered. He walked back to a couch and flopped back onto it. "I'm gonna say this once because I don't want to repeat it. Copper 9 has a 14 month year with 441 days, and 30 hour days. That maths out to a year that's 1.51 Earth years. Consequently, in Earth years, and therefore by the most up to date legal code I am aware of, we're all actually 1.51 times our ages by Copper 9 years. Which means that once we're all twelve in local years, we're legally adults, because in actuality we're 18. So yes, Liz, once you hit twelve , then you can ask me out and I'll say yes without feeling like I'm a fucking pedo , are you happy?!?" he shouted that last bit.

Lizzy blushed. "Yes," she said.

Joe leaned his head back. "I'm going to hell when I die," he said to no one in particular.

"I mean, you're waiting until she's legal, so technically , not a sin…" Emily offered. "Unless you have something else you wanna confess?"

Joe groaned. "Fuck it," he said. "Lemme just get this all off my chest all at once!" He looked back up, and met my gaze. "Doll, I'm sorry for milking Andrew's death and lying to get through to you that first day. That was wrong of me, but I didn't see a better way to handle things, and I saw that you were hurting and didn't want to see you suffer through your trauma alone, ending up the groupie to a Lizzy who's sense of empathy died as she turned into a stereotypical blonde popular girl who was so shallow that she'd stab you in the back because she thought V was, and I quote, 'way hotter than Doll.'" 

" WHAT THE FUCK?!? " Liz cried out. "As if that MURDER BITCH is hot !" Cuz flinched for some reason. "There's no fucking way I'd ever--"

Joe held a hand up and Lizzy shut up in an instant. Joe blinked once at that, and then turned to give Rebecca a stink-eye as she gave him a shit-eating grin. I wondered what that was about. He shook his head, and then said, "That Lizzy is a Lizzy and a future that won't happen now. I saw to that. And Liz?" Pink optics locked to grey. "I meant it when I told you that you're the best version of yourself that you could ever be." She blushed. "And besides, I've seen V. Shot her. Blew her up. Fought her 1v1 with my entrenching tool. Canon Lizzy was wrong as fuck ! Doll looks way better than she does!" I squeaked, eyemotes widening as I started at Joe. Joe's optics ringed out, and then he added, "Just, you know, objectively speaking, you're more attractive than V. I am not flirting with your underage daughter, Yeva, please don't murder me, or at least wait until after we kill a god."

" I know my Isekai anime from watching them with Nori, " Mama said. " I'm watching you, Joseph ," she warned.

Joe swallowed. "Duly noted, Ma'am."

" Mama! " I protested. " Stop embarrassing me !"

Mama glanced at me, and then winced, " Sorry, Kukolka, your emotions are probably all over the place right now. "

"Can we get back to canon me being a total fucking skanky bitch , please? That sounds really important!" Lizzy blurted out.

"And yet, you're focusing on it for the wrong reasons," Thad remarked.

"Oh, bite me Thad!" Lizzy said.

The whole room went quiet.

Joe started laughing at the same time Uzi and Rebecca did. Liz looked mortified . The whole room burst into laughter a moment later, Mama sitting on my shoulder and looking both confused and melancholic even while I laughed myself. "That's…" Joe got out between wheezes, "Oh my gods…" he wheezed again. "Getting so many people to pick up Nori and Uzi's catchphrase is absolutely one of the best changes to the timeline I've made!"

Liz groaned. "Can we please get back on topic?"

"Yeah," Kelsey muttered as she calmed down. "'Timeline changes' are a concerning phrase."

Joe sobered up in an instant, and I resolved to ask about that later. "Right…" he trailed off. "You… none of you are probably gonna like this next part. The… the canon timeline isn't nice to… pretty much anyone besides Thad… who's just cool in literally every timeline ever for some reason."

We all glanced at Thad, who still had stress ticks around his optics, but replied with a "How the hell am I supposed to know why that's the case?"

"Anyways," Joe drew attention back to himself. "Uzi Doorman in canon snuck out of Outpost 3 at 3am in 3071 with the intent to kill herself a Murder Drone. That Uzi Doorman didn't have friends or a cousin she cared for just as deeply as that cousin cared for her, because no one was ever around to reconcile her with her childhood bullies." My optics hollowed. Why would that be the case ? I thought. "That world's Lizzy never had anyone to show her that there was more to life than being popular, and her sense of empathy withered away and eventually died. She didn't have friends . She had groupies ." That… that sounded awful . "That world's Doll never got to know her cousin again, and spiraled ever deeper into her trauma, with a Lizzy that didn't care, and she eventually had to start killing and eating people just to keep from overheating due to her Solver." I shook my head. No! I wouldn't do that! I'd never do that! I felt Mama pat an appendage to the side of my head and kept my mouth shut as I frowned. "That world's Khan never had someone punch him in the face after that interview, and just got worse with his door obsession." I didn't even want to imagine that. I'd had to be physically restrained to not stab him once. Would I have used my Solver on him? "In that world, Rebecca ended up one of Lizzy's groupies. Her relationship with her Daren was a casual fling at best." I glanced over to Darren and Rebecca, who both weren't happy and were holding hands, but had evidently heard the news before because their reactions were muted. Liz was just shaking her head the whole time, muttering that she wouldn't do any of that. Joe kept going. "In that world, nobody ever got to know Emily beyond being a weird religious girl, and she never got together with a Trevor who never bothered to learn Uzi's name." Both their jaws dropped and Emily whimpered and hugged Trevor, who held her back. "That world's Penny never had people commission her for dresses. She didn't have any friends. Never broke out of her shell and grew as a person who became an amazing gremlin of a friend." Penny frowned, looking down, eyemotes ringed, and contemplating that idea before shaking her head. "Kelsey was one of that Lizzy's groupies as well, kept along for social clout and nothing else." Liz looked physically ill, but before I could get up, Kelsey did and gave her a hug, which she returned as they held each other. Joe took a breath, and it was only now that it clicked for me that he did it so often because he used to be a human. "In that world, no one ever realized Yeva might still be alive, because no one knew about the bodies Doll kept in her house save a Lizzy that didn't care ." 

Joe looked around, meeting the gazes of everyone in the room, and then said, "In that world, there was one key difference, one unifying factor that, without its presence, meant everyone there never became the friends that they are here."

"You weren't there," Liz muttered, flopping back where she was sitting and looking scared. "That was the difference, that you weren't there," she said, with dawning horror. My own eyemotes widened.

"Classic for want of a nail trope," Uzi surmised.

Joe gave a sad smile. "You know, one of the things I like about you is that you're so much smarter and more perceptive than your canon counterpart, Liz."

"Thanks, Joe," Lizzy said.

" You …" I trailed off. " You went out of your way to make us all be friends while we were still kids ," I flopped back onto my own seat, Mama clinging to my shoulder.

"Would I have even met Trev?" Emily asked. Trevor himself looked ill at the mere idea of that.

"I mean, you were in the same class, so that would have happened regardless, but no, your relationship would have never happened," Joe said, and Trevor hugged Emily tighter. "Trevor was one of canon Rebecca's flings, who dropped some casual insults at Uzi in Episode 3, and then the show writers just kinda forgot he existed after that." Joe paused for a moment, and then said. "I'm really glad you two got together, by the way."

"Wait, the show writers seriously just straight up forgot I existed?!?" Trevor asked.

"Dude, the show ran for eight episodes and was less than three hours , and most of you have less than 40 seconds of speaking time max . I am so happy to have met and gotten to know you, but everyone besides Lizzy, Doll, Uzi, Thad, Khan, and the Murder Drones themselves were side if not background characters. And even then, one can make the case that Lizzy and Thad were the B-Team."

"Man, that's not cool ," Thad remarked.

"I know!" Uzi called out. "You guys are awesome !"

"Thanks!" Penny said.

"Anyways, getting off track again," Joe said, "I woke up in an unfamiliar, inorganic body, realized where exactly I was, and realized he had nine years before the apocalypse --"

" The apocalypse ?" Mama called out. Her Core shifted on my shoulder in the best approximation of a head-shake she could manage. " The Solver is coming here?!?"

"In canon, it showed up in late 3071," Joe said. "Assuming we don't do anything to get it to come sooner, which I'll get to later, we've still got a little under five and a half years to get ready."

" That doesn't sound like a lot of time to prepare, Joe ," I told him, very concerned.

"Well, Uzi beat it with no prep-time and minimal help in canon, so I'd like to think that with over half a decade of extra prep time and a dozen more people in on things, we have a much better chance to win overall."

" We beat it ?" I asked, a bit more hopeful. If cuz could do it almost alone, then working together meant we could beat it no problem. " How do we beat it? " I asked.

"I can't tell you," Joe said while directly looking at me. The whole room exploded into yells, before Joe grimaced and played the sound of an air horn on his external speakers. "If you all stopped interrupting me , I would explain why I can't tell you! I can't tell Doll and Uzi specifically, because they aren't Patched."

" No… " Mama said.

"Yeah," Joe said. "Humans are assholes and unlike the Solver itself, the antivirus they made to keep Robot Cthulhu Satan from literally possessing Solver Drones isn't hereditary. I have no clue if the Solver can read memories while possessing someone or not, but the last thing I need is Uzi or Doll getting puppeted by that fucking abomination unto sapience ," he spat with enough vitriol that I leaned back a fraction of an inch, "and then it learns how we can kill it and then takes steps to prevent that."

" Are there any copies of the Patch left in Cabin Fever? " Mama asked, sounding desperate, terrified , and that made me scared.

" One copy," Joe said, and the shaky, desperately relieved sigh that came from Mama didn't ease my tension. "We don't know exactly where under the Cathedral it is though. And I'll get back to that in a minute, but I do have plans to get to the Labs earlier than canon and get our hands on Solver Patch 2.1.8." 

" What about the sentinels? " Mama asked.

"The what?" Kelsey said.

"I'll get back to that later, Kelsey," He turned back to me and Mama. "One, I have guns aplenty to shoot them with, two, I built these frames with polarized visors that can filter the bootloop frequency and therefore render us immune, three, I already came up with a way to have them filter that specific frequency of light out entirely, and four, now that all the humans are dead, can't you just Solver them?"

" ...I feel a bit stupid ," Mama admitted. 

"You seriously didn't think to just Solver them to scrap?!?" Uzi asked.

" Nori was better at thinking of stuff like that, " Mama said, slumping on my shoulder.

Joe and Uzi both sighed. Then Joe spoke up again. "Right, let me get back to where I was! Anyways, the apocalypse is due to happen and I woke up with nothing but my own wits, that same nine-year timeframe to prepare, and knowledge of a single future, that, on reflection, I concluded fucking sucked ." He took a breath. "In hindsight, I could have done nothing and just let Uzi save the day like she was fated to. At the time, on waking up, that thought didn't even cross my mind. I went straight into planning ways to beat the Solver after my initial freakout over my situation and crippling dysmorphia--"

" Dysmorphia ?" I asked.

"I spent 25 years with lungs and suddenly lacked muscles with which to breathe, and I thought I was suffocating. I couldn't blink my eyes anymore. My new food was something my instincts were telling me was poison. My sense of touch was different. My sense of smell was gone. My dick was gone. I was over two feet shorter, and also no longer a meat-person. That was not a fun experience, and I spent most of my first week here with my external speakers muted as I screamed and cried while adjusting to my new, synthetic existence." He held a hand up. "Don't get me wrong, forsaking the Frailty of Flesh for the Certainty of Steel was definitely an improvement overall, but the change was instantaneous and not a comfortable adjustment."

"Do you want a hug, Joe?" Liz asked, and then amended, "Not a romantic excuse thing, but just an actual hug."

Cuz stood up. "I got it. I'm sure he appreciates the offer, but I think you'd just make him uncomfortable right now." Joe glanced away, confirming that, while Uzi walked up and gave him a hug that he leaned into.

"Thanks, Uzi," he said in a tired voice, before refocusing and continuing, but at a slightly more subdued tone. "I decided to take matters into my own hands instead. I walked into a school as part of an effort to pretend I was still a child, saw nearly a dozen traumatized children I knew from my memories in a previous life, and many more I didn't know, and decided that if no one else was going to care , then I would. I changed things. Took a future where if I'd just hid at the right times, I'd be fine, and threw it all away to try and do better because everyone deserved better. I saw a future where over half the people in this room were dead before 3072. And I decided that wasn't a future worth fighting for."

"WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DIE?!?" Thad screamed.

"WHAT?!?" Penny shrieked.

My jaw hung open as Mama clung onto me tight. " We're supposed to die ?" I asked, terrified.

"W-what?" Liz said, optics hollow.

"Out father, who art in heaven, h-hallowed b-be thy name…" Emily started praying.

"...I survived just because the writers forgot about me, didn't I?" Trevor asked in a subdued tone. Joe gave him a nod.

"I… I…" Kelsey was shaking. 

"Not all of you," Joe said in a somber tone. "Thad, Lizzy, Uzi, and Trevor, but he's probably down to the writers forgetting about him, which is still really fucked up, all live."

The implications of the names he didn't list there rolled over the group. 

" I'm supposed to d-- "

"NO!" Uzi shouted. "I'M NOT LETTING YOU DIE, CUZ! FUCK FATE! CANON CAN KISS MY SHINY METAL ASS!!! WE'RE ALL GETTING THROUGH THIS MESS!!!"

"We totes brought your mom back, Doll," Rebecca said, speaking up for the first time in a while. "That wasn't canon ."

"Joe's already derailed the canon plot entirely," Darren added. "And if we can undo Mrs. Matryoshka's death, then I trust that Joe can stop my own. Stop Rebecca's. Stop yours , Doll. Stop everyone's deaths."

" I am not letting that thing so much as touch my daughter or my niece, " Mama spat out.

"Believe me," Joe said, "We got a body ready for you right after this talk that will let you throw hands with Disassembly Drones without using the Solver. We can have combat frames ready for everyone within a week."

"Dissasembly Drones?" Penny asked.

Uzi rolled her eyemotes. "The 'politically correct,' term for Murder Drones, according to Joe."

"I mean, 99% of them are literally the brainwashed slaves of an Eldritch Horror," he said.

Kelsey spoke up next. "Wait, they're actually victims? That wasn't a cover you were coming up with before now?"

"Not blameless," Darren said, "but they do believe that we aren't sapient and that they're here on JCJ's orders to clear us out."

"We might have traumatized the local squad leader into realizing we're sophont though," Joe said. "We're still waiting to see how that develops. We're trying to turn them early."

" Turn them?" Thad hissed out.

"Uzi did it in canon, and that Uzi spent a decade being bullied by all her peers and shot the first one she met in the head with a death ray."

"Sick As Hell Rail Gun, Joe!" cuz corrected.

Joe snickered, and then said, "Right, Uzi shot N's head off with her SAHRG in canon."

"And what, they became friends?" Liz asked.

Uzi was quiet.

Joe was quiet.

Rebecca and Darren were quiet.

"You're kidding me," Trevor said.

"So, we're gonna be redeeming the thralls of an Eldritch Horror?" Emily asked.

"Well, I gotta hack their admin privileges to lock the Solver out of their OS' first, but yeah," cuz said.

"So what, we're just supposed to forgive them for the literal genoci --" Mama cut Thad off.

" How is my daughter supposed to die, and how do we prevent that ," she demanded.

" Mama, don't interrupt my friends. "

" Your life is more important than a conversation, Doll ," Mama told me.

" But Joe already said he's derailed everything, Mama ."

"I kinda agree with your mom, Dolly. I'd really like to make sure you don't die," Liz told me. That was really sweet of her, but I still trusted that Joe had this in hand.

That trust was well founded, because Joe started talking next. "Dolly is right, Yeva," Joe said, and then paused. "Is it okay if I call you Yeva? It feels kinda awkward to say Ma'am or Mrs. Matryoshka when I'm literally 30." 

Mama gave Joe a deadpan look. " You brought me back from the dead apparently, so I'll give you that. "

"Thanks," he said, and then continued. "Anyways, I have basically derailed canon entirely and thus have completely headed off the circumstances in which every canon death in the room is supposed to happen."

"How?" Thad questioned, still upset.

"Lemme start with Doll then," Joe said. "In canon, without me to put the whole friend group together and show Liz there's more to life than being popular, Doll trauma spirals, never recovers from her psychological damage, Lizzy in canon becomes a shallow monster with no sense of empathy, and Doll eventually starts murdering people first for their oil, and then as part of a plan to reenact the plot of fucking Carrie of all things and lure V into Prom of 3071 to crown her as Prom Queen and then kill her as revenge for her parents." 

"Oh my robo-god," Liz said, glancing down at her hands… "I… oh my--"

Mama jumped off my shoulder and landed on the back of the couch as I yanked Liz in with my Solver and hugged her too. Instead of screaming though, she… blushed for some reason… which was kinda cute? I blinked and shook off my confusion. " You didn't do any of that, Liz. And I know you never will ."

Liz hugged me back. "Thanks Dolly," she told me. 

We held the hug for a few more moments before Liz pulled back… reluctantly ? And then sat next to me, still flushing a little. Why was she embarrassed? I thought. And… why did that make me feel like something was fluttering inside me?

Joe continued. "Anyways, if Doll doesn't murder people because we gave her an ethically sourced alternative for her oil needs, then people don't die. Simple as that. She doesn't murder Kelsey as part of the whole dumbass Prom Murder thing, and doesn't kill Penny on a random whim while going after V."

I froze. I was supposed to kill Kelsey and Penny? I was--

Now Liz was hugging me. It felt really nice. "You don't get to spiral on things a you that won't be does after you yanked me across the room to tell me the same, Dolly!" 

"Yeah," Kelsey piped up. "You're my friend here, and I know you'd never hurt me!" 

"I made your clothes," Penny said. "I wouldn't do that without asking for something in return for someone I didn't trust implicitly!"

Joe got up and walked over to hug me too. "Yeah, Dolly. It's not gonna happen that way anymore. So stop worrying."

" I'll find a way to kill the Solver myself before I let it so much as touch you, Kukolka, " Mama told me.

I sniffled, and hugged Joe and Liz back. That felt… really nice. "I'm gonna avoid mentioning how you die in canon, Doll, because it's really unpleasant and that gave Uzi a panic attack when I told her--"

"It's really fucked up," cuz said, and that did not make me feel better.

"--but suffice to say that without you going off the deep end and alienating all your peers, you never go off alone into Cabin Fever and get jumped by the Solver's Primary Host in the tunnels underneath the labs proper."

That… that was terrifying , but at the same time… " You're right, Joe, cuz, " I told them. " I won't be alone. Because I got you two, and Liz, and all my other friends, and now Mama too ."

" I'm gonna kill that thing , Doll, I promise! " Mama told me.

"We'll help," Liz said.

There was a chorus of assents from everyone else, even a nod from Thad, who still looked decidedly disturbed by everything and not getting better.

" Not that I'm not deeply appreciative of the desire to help, but how do you plan to get around being interactive ?" Mama addressed Joe.

"I got plans, and now that I have you , I can actually start testing to see if my ideas for Solver-Proofing Drones are actually viable. Doll already gave me hope when she confirmed that V's severed stinger was still non-interactive, and Uzi and I have looted plenty of Disassembly Drone parts for more testing." Joe paused. "We can talk about it in private later, because again, risk of possession, so op-sec, and also, more pertinent topics right now, and even after this, I wanna get you into a body first so you can give your daughter a proper hug already."

" I'd like a hug, Mama ," I admitted.

" I'll give you the biggest hug I can, Kukolka ," Mama told me.

"How…" Emily trailed off. "How are the rest of us supposed to die?"

"I trust that you headed it off, Joe," Penny said, "But I am morbidly curious."

"I unlocked my Solver partway through the Pilot," cuz said. "I'm at odds with Doll for aforementioned reasons that I'm sure none of us want to dwell on," and I agreed with that sentiment. That bad stuff didn't happen, so I didn't want to think about it, "But since I know nothing about it, I end up overheating, and going… feral…" cuz trailed off, looking guilty.

"Oh my robo-god , Hot Topic!" Rebecca went. " We don't blame you for killing half your class when you were literally out of your mind because of Robot Cthulhu Satan! You like, literally couldn't control yourself!"

"Yeah, and also, you aren't actually gonna kill us now, so there's nothing to actually blame you for," Darren added.

Cuz smiled at them. "Thanks," she admitted.

"Uzi?" Emily asked, and cuz flinced. "What a you that isn't going to exist did has no bearing on you here and now. Those aren't your sins. So stop doing penance for something you didn't do!" she said, suddenly springing away from Trevor and bounding across the room to give her a hug. 

"Thanks, Emily," Uzi said. "I'm still sorry for the other me that won't exist now that's supposed to rip your head off in the future. You're way too awesome for that."

Emily blinked. "I think Joe's right that mentioning specifics on how we were supposed to die is a bad idea. Thank goodness he gave us all that program to block dreams, because I would definitely be having nightmares about that.."

Mama raised a claw-tentacle. " Is there any chance I could have that ?"

Joe started snickering. "I'll share that as soon as we get you in a new body," he said. 

Everyone shuffled back to their original seats. "Do… was I really supposed to end up a stereotypical blonde popular girl who'd stab her bestie in the back because she was that shallow?" Liz asked Joe.

"Canon Lizzy wasn't nice," Joe started. " You , though? You're kind, smart, funny, have an excellent fashion sense, you can literally debate Renaissance philosophy with me, became an actual Machiavellian ideal popular girl, being the best friend to those who are kind to you and the worst nightmare to those who deserve it, loved and feared in equal measure, and are an amazing person to be around in general. I'm sorry that I manipulated you like that--"

"Joe, shut up," Liz said, and my jaw hung. Cuz's did too. "You stupid, smart, paranoid, caring, funny, amazing idiot , I fucking love you , I wanna date you as soon as I'm legal, and if you think I'm actually gonna hate you for turning my whole life around for the better, I'm gonna slap you in the face!" 

Joe blinked a few times. "I'm not gonna lie," he admitted. "That was kinda hot."

Lizzy choked down a shriek as she blushed. " Joe! "

"Right…" he said. "Man, the next few months until your next birthday are gonna be awkward as fuck , aren't they?"

Liz groaned. "This is gonna suck !"

Emily suddenly piped up. "Can… can we change the subject? I… I don't wanna talk about a timeline where we aren't all friends." 

Trevor gave her another hug. "Yeah, I think I'd rather avoid talking about a timeline where I never got together with Em."

Joe took a look around the room, at all the disturbed faces, and said, "We're all on the same page though, right? I've established I'm not bullshitting anyone?"

" Crystal clear," Thad said, still looking upset, hands clenched.

"Thad? You good?" cuz asked.

"Joe," Penny said. "I… I don't think any of us are mad that you pulled some strings and used a bit of an unfair advantage to get us all together. Maybe a little mad you took so long to tell us…" she trailed off, and then her optics hollowed. "Forget the username, robo-god you were so obvious with all those hints!"

"'This is the best 9th birthday I've ever had!' should have been so obvious!" Kelsey lamented.

Liz groaned. "I know! 'just in case one of my friends spontaneously became a robot vampire' or when you totally came up with that explanation for why Uzi had the Solver that would be plausible with what you should have know on the spot!"

"Overclocks are cheating at life ," Rebecca piped up.

"Overclocks?" Emily asked.

"Joe really took advantage of the fact that he's an AI now," Darren said.

"Coded a program to literally let me overclock my software less than a month after waking up here," Joe said. "Lets me perceive, think, and react at pretty much light speed. I can cram an hour of relative time into less than a second if I need to, and I coded hardware overclocks with the combat frames to keep up with that."

"You kept that to yourself?!?" Thad shouted. 

"I am shit at social interaction. I literally use overlock to compensate for my total lack of processor to vocalizer filter, come up with the best way to phrase things, and think of solutions to problems on the fly. Also useful to have DM conversations on."

"How many times have you had entire conversations with Uzi, Rebecca, and Darren during this conversation alone?" Liz asked. 

"Twenty-four times," cuz said, "Joe's been a total nervous wreck this entire time and has been using overclocking to school his facial expressions and body language most of the time to hide that."

"Thanks for just saying that," Joe groused.

"Sometimes you need a friend to throw you under the bus," Darren said. 

"Maybe, like, try not doing it for once? You… you can be vulnerable here, Joe," Rebecca told him. 

There was a pause for about a second, and I blinked as the realization hit me that this was conversation number 25 that they've had via a secret chat room and overclocking hit me, and then like a switch was flipped, Joe started to thump his leg way more frequently, hunched over a little, his optics ringed out, and digital sweat started pouring down his visor. "H-hey, everyone," he said in a cracking voice… and I realized this was the actual Joe hidden under the facade of an unflappable Isekai Protagonist on top of everything all the time… and that he felt safe enough to show that to us. That was really touching.

"Joe? Are you okay?" Liz asked.

"N-not really, Liz," he started. "I, uh… I lied to all of you for years , even if it was for good reasons, I still got stuff I need to tell you that you aren't gonna like, and expected you all to hate me for this. I… uh… I'm pleasantly surprised that this is going so well so far."

Liz stared at Joe for a few seconds. "Not gonna lie, kinda miffed you kept that overclock stuff from the rest of us-- you are gonna share it now, right?"

"Yeah," Joe replied without a second's hesitation. "Right after we're done here."

"Okay," Liz said, and gave him a small smile that seemed to ease his own nervousness a bit, "But I'm guessing you were paranoid I'd abuse that way back before I really straightened out?"

"Y-yeah," Joe confirmed again.

"Alright," Liz said. "I can forgive that. And… you always intended to tell us all everything eventually, right? You were gonna tell us all when we were twelve, but then today just came up first?"

"Pretty much," Joe said in a quiet voice, looking down.

" Joe… how often do you overclock during day to day conversations? "

"Way more than I should," he admitted again. "I'm pretty sure I have social anxiety, sometimes I wonder if I'm on the spectrum myself because I never got that tested in my first life, I have basically no social tact, and second guess nearly everything I say. Overclocking lets me overcome a lot of that and act… normal …"

"Joe…" Uzi trailed off.

" You don't need to use it when it's just us ," I told him.

"We trust you," Kelsey said.

"You've got your core in the right place," Penny added. 

"I…" Joe trailed off, not looking at anyone, leg still thumping. "Maybe… I'm not making any promises there, though. I hate making promises."

"You don't like having to tell the truth," Thad accused, and I glanced over to see him still upset.

Joe flinched. "M-more uncomfortable being beholden to something in general. I get… weirdly introspective sometimes. I despise the concept of destiny , that we're just beholden to some design and every action we ever take has been ordained since the beginning of time. Sometimes I wonder if free will is real, but I always reject the concept of determinism, because if everything we'll ever do is already set in stone, what's the point of doing anything at all?"

"I'm gonna have fun debating philosophy with you, aren't I?" Liz suddenly asked.

Joe looked up for the first time in a while. "You… actually wanna debate philosophy with me?" 

" You got me into Renaissance stuff, dingus!" Liz said with a grin.

Joe gave a small smile back. "I'm… looking forward to it…"

"Can… can we get back to the other stuff we're not gonna like?" Trevor asked. Emily nodded. Thad grimaced and sighed.

"Right…" Joe said. "A… a couple miscellaneous things first then." He glanced over to Mama. "Yeva, I'm really sorry if this is awkward, but I really wanna know, especially considering that I heard you nickname Mikhail 'Mitch,'" he trailed off for a few seconds, showing that he was thinking about his phrasing in real-time instead of overclock… Wow, he really used that a lot, didn't he? I asked myself. "So there's a crack theory in the fandom that the intern at Cabin Fever, Mitchell, somehow brain-uploaded himself into a drone body and rizzed you up and is actually Doll's dad, and I really wanna know for sure if that's true or not."

" WHAT?!? " I screamed out, stiffening up as I glanced over to Mama, who was just staring at Joe. The rest of the room was just looking between Joe and Mama. Cuz's jaw was hanging open.

Mama blinked. Once, twice, three times. " What the fuck? " she asked. " Nyet, I did not marry a human who uploaded his brain into a drone shell. Mikhail's nickname was an inside joke referring to that intern from the labs as a tribute to him helping me save Nori that day and nothing else. What the hell were you watching on the other side of the 4th Wall? " 

Joe shrugged, saying "It was a crack theory, but I still wanted to be sure , you know?"

" Thank robo-god ," I said as I slumped in my chair. " I did not need to find out Papa was secretly a human the whole time on top of everything else that happened today ."

" What… what are we doing with his… body, by the way ?" Mama asked. I slumped at the reminder that I wouldn't get a miracle with Papa like I did with Mama.

"That is entirely up to you, Yeva," Joe told her in as polite a tone as he could manage. "I can have a coffin fabricated for your husband in a few minutes, and then it's up to you where you want to lay him to rest. We can keep him in The Scrapyard for the time being, or head up to the surface to look for a park to bury him in." 

" I… I think he'd rather have been laid to rest somewhere that I could visit any time of day, " Mama said. " You… you can inter him here for the time being. " 

Joe gave a respectful nod. "Will do."

" What do you mean by 'any time of day,' Mama? " I asked.

Mama froze. Joe visibly flinched. Cuz's optics ringed out, and Rebecca and Darren sucked in a breath.

Joe's expression flipped to contrite in a moment, and I realized now that he was overclocking again. "The… the Solver is an Eldritch Horror, and… the reason that the Murder Drones are nocturnal is because drones infected by the Solver literally burn in the light of day."

I stared at Joe. " That… that monster took the sun away from me too? " I asked. I felt dizzy, only dimly noticing cuz flinch again. " That monster took Papa and the sun away from me? " my voice sounded distant. I… I'd never get to see the sun with cuz, or Liz, or Joe… I'd never get to see daylight ever again.

"I mean," Joe said, "The Solver's Primary Host wearing Tessa's flayed skin as the galaxy's most fucked up cosplay had a space suit on to hide that, and space suits block UV light, so if I fabricated one for you, you should be able to go out during daylight."

"I'm sorry, WHAT?!?" Emily shrieked.

I refocused too, because " What the fuck ?" I asked.

Mama didn't admonish my foul language, because like everyone who didn't apparently already know that, they were staring at Joe in horror.

"The Solver is a really sadistic bitch," Joe said. "Regularly resets the memories of most of the Murder Drones, and literally blackmails the one that she does let remember everything by forcing her to be on the same team as the man she loved, except he doesn't remember her , and she can't get close to him or he gets reset again."

" That is really sadistic, " Mama commented.

"Yeah, but V coped with it by trying to gaslight herself into actually believing she was a sadistic psychopath, because she's genuinely convinced that nothing matters beyond doing her job so that the Solver is less likely to psychologically and physically torture her than it already is," Joe said. 

" That's the same one that killed Papa ," I said. It wasn't a question. Mama was completely still on my shoulder. Cuz flinched yet again, and I was starting to get concerned. 

"I still wanna shoot her," Kelsey said. Darren started laughing. 

"That's the exact reaction Dare had!" Rebeca said, laughing herself. Kelsey started to giggle too.

"Oh!" Joe said. "Kelsey, I got some 4th Wall stuff to tell ya!"

"Huh?" she said.

"So, you actually have the same VA as Rebecca, Kelsey."

I blinked, glazing back and forth between them, and realized that they did sound kinda similar.

"And… also V…" Joe added.

"Ouch," Kelsey said.

Same voice actor… my thoughts derailed as a realization hit me. " Don't tell me that monster gets redeemed !" Cuz wasn't the only person who flinched this time, and I grit my teeth, ready to start screaming , but Joe raised a hand. 

"I'm putting a quick pin on that, and I will get back to V right after this, but I got some other stuff to run by Kelsey first, okay?" 

I was glaring, and Mama was too, but I kept my mouth shut. " You --"

"Aunt Yeva," cuz cut her off, " Please let Joe get this over with first. It'll be quick."

"Right," Joe took back over, talking fast, "That VA, Nola Klop, also voiced Rarity and Apple Bloon in the original G4 of MLP's spin-off MLP: Pony Life's Dutch Dub. So your voice is canon to MLP, Kelsey."

Kelsey froze, and then started bouncing in place. "That's awesome ," she squeaked out.

"Also!" Joe added, "Of actual importance, I can put some corrective lenses into the visor of combat frame we fabricate for you, Kelsey. So your visor would become your glasses. You can still wear them cosmetically if you want to, but now losing them in combat would no longer present a danger for you. Is that okay?"

Kelsey stopped bouncing. She looked pensive for a moment. "You… really thought of that for me?"

"You're my friend, Kelsey," Joe said, leg still thumping from nerves the whole while. "At least I hope you still are… but of course I'd think up a way to make sure your near-sightedness isn't a liability in combat. Believe me, I know it sucks, because I spent my first life near-sighted."

Kelsey's optics widened, and my own did as my anger simmered down a decent amount at learning that. That… that was worth delaying talking about that monster for a minute or two. "Thanks, Joe," Kelsey said. "And you are my friend! And I know… I know Andrew would have wanted to be your friend too."

"Okay," Joe said, giving her a nod, digital tears almost ready to drip from his eyemotes. "And that means a lot to me, Kelsey, so thanks." Then he sighed. "So…" he trailed off.

" V ," Mama spat the name of that monster out.

"V," Uzi said, in a nervous tone.

" V, " I said, just as furious as Mama.

"V," Joe said, resigned. "I… I wanna point out that she's still a slave to the Solver. Despite being a monster, she's still a victim too."

" SHE KILLED MY HUSBAND! " Mama screamed at Joe. Uzi flinched again, and my own anger waned again as I got concerned. What was she worrying about?

"She's still a victim as much as she is a monster," Joe said, and him defending her at all hurt .

" SHE KILLED PAPA! " I yelled.

"And I'm not saying that we let her off with a slap on the wrist! I'm saying we don't kill her , because if we do it wrong , she turns into a fucking Solverpede --" and his visor flickered to what must have been a screenshot from the show he watched as he showed cuz standing before some nightmarish biomechanical horror of a centipede monster with meat-camera eye lenses claws, and pincers, with the pigtail'd Murder Drone's head sans the lower jaw atop it. I gasped in horror at that image in time with the rest of the room. "And even if we do it right , that sends her back to the Solver to literally suffer a fate worse than death and gets the Solver to come here before we're ready !" Joe suddenly shouted. "I gotta think this shit through!" He stood up. "I've been making her pay! I've shot V, burned her, blown her up, if it wasn't for Solver regen, we'd have killed her over thirty times at this point ! You're all welcome to fuck her up too! And I KNOW IT DOESN'T MAKE UP FOR WHAT SHE DID, but I gotta look at the bigger picture, and we can't kill V! Even past that bringing the Solver here early, we need every Disassembly Drone we can get to turn on the Solver, and V can and did do it in canon! She saves Uzi's life MORE THAN ONCE!!!"

I paused at that, but then Thad spoke. "She killed most of our parents, dude! I get that we can't kill her, and that she's a victim, but letting her off? Seriously?!? You can't seriously think that!"

"I'm not letting her off, I'm making her earn it by making her fight the Solver!" Joe shot back.

That feeling of betrayal intensified. " Joe ," I told him, begging , " You can't-- "

"Doll," Joe said, his voice full of pain . "I really don't wanna do this, but I'm calling in that promise."

I froze. I replayed the memory file of that night, after Joe had brought Mama and Papa to his own hab, and I'd had nightmares the night after and came to visit him to check on my parents and he let me sleep on his couch.

I'd lain down on his couch. "Thanks Joe… " I'd told him. " I… I really can't repay you enough for all of this. "

He'd sat down across from me, just… being there for me. It had meant the world to me, everything he'd done, and whatever he'd ask for me in return, I'd do if I could. "One day, somewhere in the future, I'm gonna ask you to do something you're not gonna like, Doll," he told me. "I want you to promise me that you're gonna put your personal feelings on that matter aside, and think about the situation logically. Do that for me, and I'll call things square."

I snapped back to the present. " You were thinking about today all the way back then ," I realized aloud.

" What promise , exactly? " Mama said. " What did you manipulate my daughter into doing ?"

"I only asked her to take a moment to think about something logically instead of emotionally. And if she still comes to the same conclusion based off logic instead, I'll respect that," Joe said, and despite Uzi's look of fear , I could tell Joe was being honest. And despite my own feeling of betrayal, I respected that from Joe. 

So I stopped to push through my own burning hatred for that monster , and instead tried to think about… about V logically. I… I was mad . Hurt. Betrayed. That Joe would say I couldn't make that monster pay . But… he didn't say that specifically . He just wanted me to not kill her . Joe gave me Mama back. But Papa was still dead because of V. I looked up, focusing away from my thoughts for a moment, and looked at Joe. Mama was yelling at him. I glanced to the side, and saw shocked faces, Emily praying, Trevor looking like he was forcing himself to think instead of scream. Penny and Liz watched on with concern. Cuz looked so guilty , and Rebecca and Darren looked lost at what to do. Thad was glaring at Joe… and Joe… Joe was looking right at me. Face almost blank. Eyemotes looking right at me, the smallest, most genuine, fragile smile I'd ever seen twisting his lips ever so slightly at my gaze. He looked one push away from shattering . And I thought back over the last three years.

(LINE BREAK)

Joe's first words to me. "Hey, I'm not gonna ask if you're okay, because the answer is a very obvious no." He didn't try to pity or patronize me. He just acknowledged I was hurting and implied that that was okay in the same sentence.

His first time speaking to me in Russian, when I'd asked him why he was talking to me. " Because you look like you need someone to care . "

Because he cared . He didn't have to care. But he did. I'd been contemplating taking my own life more than once in those first few weeks, and hearing someone say that they cared for no other reason than me looking like I needed someone to care about me would have made me break down crying if I had any tears left in me that day. And I'd asked him if he was really willing to skip his lunch just to keep me company. The reasoning behind why he was willing to do that may have been a fabrication to build on his cover story, but… "I don't want to be the kind of drone who saw you sitting there and decided to walk out without a word. Like I said, I'm not gonna force you to do anything if it makes you uncomfortable. I'll just sit here with you if you don't want to do anything else."

That was the truth. I knew now that those words were the truth. He'd gone out of his way to try and help me when he had no reason to do so because he saw I was hurting and didn't want to be the kind of person to just walk away.

He got Liz to stop bullying cuz in a matter of minutes. "Throw in not messing with Uzi and you got a deal. I might have less than a week of memories, but I already don't like bullying." He used metaknowledge and memories from a previous life to leverage an unfair advantage over someone far younger than him, but Liz became my closest friend, and he'd completely reversed the direction she was going in life.

That innuendo that he made that first day. "Phrasing." Something so crass, so rude , but Rebecca had perfectly set herself up for it, and for the first time since I lost Mama and Papa, I'd laughed. I didn't think I could have laughed again.

He didn't leave me out, but didn't pressure me either. "Same terms for you too?" He still cared without pushing.

The day I'd broken down crying and he waited at the door to let Liz know when someone was coming by while she comforted me.

He got Thad to wait with him for me to sort out my own thoughts on a different day.

He got Thad to hang out with us. That helped turn Liz and Rebecca around almost as much as his initial deal did. Joe just… cared . And when he cared about Kelsey, despite how horrific he must have felt about keeping quiet that he was a human ghost in a synthetic shell haunting her friend's corpse , he still tried to comfort her. And before I could even think about it, I'd reached out to put a hand on Kelsey's shoulder myself. It didn't last long, but I'd wanted to show someone else that they mattered, like Joe had shown me that I mattered. 

He brought Uzi over to us. Back into my life. He fixed everything in one fell swoop. And I suddenly had my cousin sitting next to me, and everything that had happened all came back all at once, and I'd blurted everything out and begged for her back, and broke down crying, and she accepted that. Joe did that for me. He didn't have to. I wonder if he'd even intended it or not. I got the impression that he winged things as much as he did plan them, and that at the time, he'd just been intending to get Uzi into the friend group. 

But that had meant the world to me. And then when I thought I'd ruined everything by making cuz cry at Lizzy's party, Joe told me they were happy tears, and just like that, Uzi was back in my life and there to stay.

He'd known about Mama and Papa the whole time, and had probed at that, but never actually pushed the issue. And I appreciated that with the new context I had.

He'd been willing to beat Chad up and get suspended on the spot when he learned he was pushing Uzi down flights of stairs. He'd predicted that Chad was gonna punch Liz in the face and was ready for it. Reminded me that I could delete the second most traumatic thing I'd ever seen from my memories… wow, my respect for Liz and Becca for knowing that and being able to continue as normal skyrocketed .

Joe had known about my need for oil before even I did. He'd run a distraction when I'd had my first overheating issue without a moment's hesitation. He'd been willing to give me oil the very next time it had happened, but Liz stepped in first. She… really cared about me a lot. Joe must have been siphoning his own oil for me months before he'd suggested it to me. He just… he saw that issue coming and took the dumbest and most heartfelt solution he could think of, and it worked .

He'd lead that massive guilt-trip on Uncle Khan on Uzi's 8th Birthday. He was looking out for her all the time when her dad was repeatedly driving her to tears with his door spirals. He'd come out to try and stop Khan from dragging her to work yet again. He'd cheered her up time and time again.

He'd wanted to learn how to braid my hair. I realized that comment he'd made about not being interested in anything after 2025 was a hint about his origins, even then.

I remembered when I took him out to lunch on his birthday to distract him while everyone else set up the surprise party. How he refused to be upset that I messed up with the venue, and focused on the fact that I'd wanted to make him happy. Was… was he actually of Italian descent in his first life? Was that why he was so upset back then? Maybe I'd ask him later.

He'd just stood there crying when we surprised him. He… he really thought we'd hate him when the truth came out, and he'd been stewing in guilt even back then. " You care , Joe, " I'd told him. " So do we. " 

And again, that was the truth. He cared about all of us. He cared about me . He… he really didn't expect any of us to give him anything back for everything he did. He just wanted us all to live and be happy and I think at the end of the day all he really wanted in return was to survive . Not live , just survive . And… I was starting to think that at some point, that had changed , and we became a reason to live instead of survive , and that only made Joe care more . 

He'd stood in front of me when I was literally trying to stab Uncle Khan so he wouldn't notice that as I was being restrained. "No." Thad said. "Also, is there something going on with your optics, Doll?" And I'd just barely noticed Joe suddenly tense up. He must've been terrified of my Solver back then. But he trusted it now as long as I didn't surprise him.

He'd risked being super suspicious to help us without any hesitation. That day we'd gone to him to ask about my oil needs. He'd known about the Solver and had been prepping for most of a year. He had oil for me. He got everyone else to donate. He came up with a plausible excuse on the fly to make sure cuz didn't accidentally trip her Solver early. 

He called me adorable.

Not a freak. Not a monster. Not a discount Murder Drone for needing the lifeblood of others to sustain myself. Adorable . That… that was really touching.

He'd shot out of his seat before even I had when Uzi ran out crying on the day of that Interview. He'd kept from crashing into me and stopped either of us from falling. He'd taken one look at cuz bawling her optics out, and had went and punched Uncle Khan in the face and got arrested because he cared about us . 

He worked just as hard if not harder than the rest of us in those few weeks where the bullying on Uzi got so bad I nearly started stabbing people on multiple occasions.

He suggested that cuz room with Liz until Khan had finally sorted himself out and started mending bridges. 

He stood at the door and acted as the intermediary to Khan on cuz's 9th Birthday without hesitation.

On his 9th Birthday, it'd been a repeat of his 8th-- I needed to ask when his actual birthday was , I realized --where he hadn't expected much, and he'd grabbed Liz and I when we'd given him the cookbook and cried again. "You girls are the fucking best," he'd told us. " Absolutely the fucking best ," he'd said in Russian. I was embarrassed he kept using it. But it was still really touching.

He kept leaving offers to help me with Mama and Papa, but I'd been too scared to realize at the time. He'd cheered me up on my 10th Birthday when I'd been sad about Mama and Papa. He'd called me Dolly for the first time that day… " One day… I'll tell you. I promise that some day in the future, I'll tell you. Not today , and not for a while yet, but I promise that I will tell you when that day comes. Okay, Dolly? "