"Where am I?"
Ikuto whispered, seemingly in some dream. All that he could see were endless grasslands that touched the horizon, as well as a beautiful, yet unsoothing, bloody crimson sky. It was as if the world was ending right in front of his eyes. As the winds caressed the oddly uniform, neatly kept, tall grass, he decided to venture off.
Ikuto, who had no idea what was going on, was, understandably, scared. He couldn't help but feel a sense of terror. He didn't remember what he was doing, nor where he was. He resembled a lost child, no family, no friends, no one but himself.
"I-is anyone there?"
His voice was shaking.
He walked for what seemed like ten minutes until he stumbled into a daffodil. It was beautiful. It's breathtaking, with a golden tint that contrasts elegantly with the dark green colour of the grass and the deep red tone of the burning horizon.
Ikuto, amazed by the scene, tried to reach for the flower. When he touched it, he felt nothing. He then tried reaching out for the grass, but he met the same fate.
A chill ran down his spine; it was as if he wasn't connected to this world, out of touch. Yet, a soothing trace of relief crept in, realizing this was most likely a dream.
"Looks like I'll just have to wait."
He crouched down, still looking at the sky, lost in thought. What was he thinking about? When was he going to wake up!
"I'm bored!"
Out of boredom, he decided to get up and run, run faster than he had ever run before, run wherever his gut told him to steer.
Ikuto felt free, like a bird that was aimlessly flying. That feeling of freedom was pleasing. He even had a hint of nostalgia.
When he finished running, he fell on the ground and lay there. His adrenaline was through the roof, and he was also tired. Despite being in a dream, he felt incredibly alive.
Lost in thought, he started to reminisce about all the pleasant memories, as well as a myriad of crummy ones. Remembering things like playing, school drama, and achieving marvelous grades, however, most of them were unpleasant, especially his bonds.
"I wish I could be a kid again... I don't want to be a 25-year-old bum, now I have to pay taxes, wor-"
"##KE UP!"
Ikuto was startled by a faint yet loud voice, seemingly coming from the sky.
The voice seemed to belong to a female, although it wasn't very ladylike. It was rough, as if she were carrying something or maybe pushing an entity.
Ikuto wondered what the woman was trying to tell him, but he couldn't put his finger on it.
'What the hell is she trying to tell me?' Ikuto thought
"Wake up!"
Suddenly, Ikuto sprang up to what seemed like the real world. Covered in sweat and breathing frantically, he looked around the area. At first, he saw a table that contained a cluster of his favourite books, as well as a pen and paper. Looking over to his left was a small closet with many of the clothes unorganised. When he faced forward, he saw an angry-looking woman staring him down. It was his roommate.
"Get your lazy ass out of your mattress, or you'll be late for work!" She said, seemingly worried but not showing it, evidently.
"Alright, alright, now can you stop shouting, the neighbours can hear you, you know."
Ikuto had known her from middle school, in fact, she was probably his first friend. His only friend. They had decided not to go to college, and since they couldn't find high-paying jobs, they ended up sharing an apartment.
As Ikuto says his goodbyes, he thinks about how, ever since he was born, he has been destined for regret and failure; it was as if fate was antagonizing him.
"What a stupid thought, blaming it on fate as if fate even existed."
Suddenly, he found himself standing in front of the modest little restaurant where he worked. It wasn't much, just a narrow place tucked between two larger shops, its faded sign barely catching the eye, but it was the best job he'd been able to get. The pay was meager, hardly enough to scrape by, yet it kept him afloat. With a quiet sigh, he stepped inside, slipped into the cramped staff room, pulled on his slightly worn uniform, and straightened his nametag. Moments later, he was on the floor, weaving between tables with practiced steps as his shift began.
After a lengthy ten hours, Ikuto had finally wrapped up his shift. He changed his clothes, grabbed his belongings, took a deep breath, said his goodbyes to his coworkers, and finally left the venue.
After what felt like only five minutes of walking, Ikuto's eyes landed on a small restaurant on the side of the road. What truly stopped him in his tracks was the mouthwatering aroma seeping into the street, the unmistakable scent of his favourite childhood dish, curry with rice. He commemorated the memories he had as a child, when he, alongside his roommate, Nozomi, would get after school. Since he had just finished his late shift, it couldn't hurt to get one bowl of food.
Before stepping into the shop, Ikuto texted his roommate, saying he would be home late and asking if she wanted some food, before finally taking a picture of the restaurant.
'Alright, I am starving, I will have my dinner, then see if she replies.'
"Hello, can I get one bowl of rice and curry, and a uhmm-... one small beer?" Looking at the beer prices in shock.
'Sheesh, the beer prices are crazy, I need to save my money.'
After some time, he finally finished his dish. It was the best thing he had had in a while- it reminded him of his childhood. It wasn't just a simple curry he had, but the taste of simpler and straightforward days. Although he didn't have a good childhood, with friends or loving family members, he still didn't have to worry about whether there was food on the table or saving up money.
Lost in the thought of his childhood, he forgot to check if Nozomi texted back. Instead, he received a flower, which was a tradition at the restaurant for new customers. He got an idea to give it to his roommate, as he never really considered offering her a gift. He had to muster up the courage to talk to the lady, as he doesn't usually like to ask about stuff, in fact, he keeps the number of conversations with strangers to a minimum, as he has a light social anxiety when talking to strangers.
"So, uhm, what kind of flower is this?" Not making eye contact.
"I'm glad you asked, it's what's known as a red spider lily, it symbolizes death, as the owner of this shop sadly passed away, his wish was to give out these flowers once he dies.... blah blah blah." She said with a smile, an exaggerated smile.
'When does this lady shut up?!' Nodding his head, but not listening.
Finally, she finished explaining, and Ikuto headed home.
While walking on the street, he gazed at the vivid red tentacles of the flower with a blank face.
'Looks cool.'
After reaching the apartment, he thought that something was off. The door looked off, like someone had tried to forcefully open it. Ikuto was a bit shaken from the lack of noise, but he remained calm with a blank face. He reached for his keys and started unlocking the doors.
After a bit of pushing and pulling, since the apartment was a bit old, he slowly opened the door.
"I am home!" Yelling with an uneasy feeling.
But what he saw next was spine-chilling, it almost made him want to puke.
He dropped the flowers that were in his hands and started to breathe heavily. He started spazzing, touching his head and then his mouth. He started to back up, taking 2 steps back. Suddenly, he lost his balance and tripped to the floor. He then started to get dizzy. Finally screaming from the top of his lungs, these weren't any other screams, they were gut-wrenching, excruciating, tense screams, like something out of a horror movie.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE HEEEEELLLLLL! SOMEONE HEEEEEEEELLLLPPPP! THIS CAN'T BEEE REEEEEAAAALLLLLLLLLL!" His voice shook in terror and helplessness.
What he saw was a girl lying on the floor, her dehydrated, lifeless, black hair covering her face, drowning in her own red blood. It was his dearest friend... his only friend. Nozomi.
After a few screaming sessions, he finally calmed down a little, although he was still shaking and breathing excessively, but it was better than before.
Crawling on all fours, he reached her lifeless body. As he kept staring at her corpse, tears of sorrow welled in his eyes before spilling down his cheeks, tracing silent rivers of grief upon his face. He was in disbelief at first, but now, after seeing her pale skin, as well as her gaze, a gaze that was built from the emptiness of death, he knew, he knew that there was nothing he could do to save her.
Ikuto froze for a minute. No tears, no movement, no nothing, before going back and putting his back against the wall. Suddenly, many hypotheticals popped up in his mind.
'If I had gotten here earlier, would I have been able to save her? Maybe if I had gotten to spend time with her more, I wouldn't have any regrets. Or if I had just gotten into university, then I... I...' Doubting every past mistake, drenched in regret, eyes wide open.
Amidst his panic, he forgot about calling the police, in fact, he forgot about everything happening around him, even the text he had sent her.
Suddenly, a disturbing, cold voice appeared.
"Why are you still alive?" Whispering with genuine surprise.
The voice was deep yet hollow, as if echoing from the bottom of a cavern, stripped of warmth or life.
Ikuto's eyes widened, eyebrows drawn together, looking upwards in genuine shock and disbelief, then a million questions sprang into his mind.
'Who was that? What does he mean by that? Why am I still alive?! Is he the one who killed her? Where is he?...' Overwhelmed by his own thoughts.
Slowly but surely, he started to lose his sanity. Headaches, fatigue, dizziness, nausea, blurred vision, sweating profusely, all of those symptoms came attacking all at once, terrible thoughts came rushing in, 'Am I just going to be an empty shell from now on, I mean, who am I without anyone to define me?', and that same eerie sentence kept popping up in his head, that stone cold voice, as if from a whole other world, like those fantasy webnovels, "why are you still alive?".
After a few long, painful minutes, Ikuto, who still hasn't kept it together, ran out of the door, onto the stairs, stumbled a bit, and onto the roof.
Looking down at the quiet streets below, a flicker of humanity returned to him—fear gripped him at the thought of a six-story fall, as it would anyone. But once that initial terror faded, a heavier, colder realization settled in: how utterly hopeless and alone he truly was. Every step he had taken in life seemed only to deepen the emptiness, leaving him to wonder… why not just end it?
In the end, he asked himself the question that he had been wondering about his whole life.
"Why am I alive? Is there any purpose?" whispering to himself.
Ikuto took a step forward.
Ending it all.