Police Major Atikom slowed his car as he approached the entrance gate of Anupap's condominium. The young man consumed his thoughts—he couldn't help himself, needed to see that face to bolster his courage. Today, he was determined to find a way to steal a kiss from the one who always maintained that composed, stoic expression... He couldn't endure it any longer.
Lost in his brooding thoughts, the police officer suddenly had to swerve right to pass a black Mercedes parked by the roadside. His eyes automatically swept over the vehicle, catching sight of a handsome young man sitting inside... Chavis!
Atikom's memory was sharp. Even having met Chavis only once, he couldn't forget that face.
The man who had entangled himself with Anupap. The man who might be his heart's greatest enemy... How could he not remember that face?
Atikom wondered what Chavis was doing, lurking secretively, parked about ten meters before the entrance gate.
'How does he know Anupap is here, or did he follow him? If he followed him, where did he encounter Anupap?'
Atikom's mind swirled with suspicion and fear, afraid of everything, jealousy beginning to surge.
After turning through the gate, Atikom parked and waved to Singh, the security guard making his rounds. The police officer walked back to the fence gate to confirm it was indeed Chavis. If it was, he would go have a 'chat' to set things straight.
The large Mercedes had vanished. Turning left, he spotted its tail lights in the distance. He committed the license plate number to memory, his jaw clenching tight.
Chavis's behavior suggested he wouldn't let go of Anupap easily...
Though part of him understood that someone who had loved for over ten years would naturally harbor concern and affection for a former lover, the jealousy in his heart ran deeper. He couldn't bear to see Chavis interfering with Anupap again.
That night... he had seen the pain etched on Chavis's face. That man still harbored feelings for Anupap...
Atikom tried to imagine the depth of connection between two people who had loved for nearly a decade, then compared it to himself. Even though he and Anupap had loved for only a few months, he already felt this profound attachment.
'Does Anupap love me... or is it only me who loves him. Does Anupap love me at all?'... Atikom kept questioning himself...
He had confessed his love to Anupap, but the young man hadn't uttered a word. That night when he declared his love and pulled him into an embrace, nuzzling his neck and kissing his cheek, Anupap had only remained silent. He hadn't resisted, hadn't even returned the embrace.
Atikom reasoned with himself that if Anupap didn't love him at all, he wouldn't have allowed such intimacy. The young man was probably still guarded, or perhaps confused and uncertain.
'Khun Nu... when will you finally be sure that you love me. My heart is about to break...'
***
Atikom pressed the doorbell and waited. He wasn't certain Anupap was home. He had originally wanted to call first, but chose instead to appear at the door, wishing to see Anupap's expression the moment he saw him standing there.
Would he still maintain that calm, composed facade when he saw his boyfriend standing at his door?
Atikom smiled to himself, thinking of the 'encouragement' he would receive.
'Today, I must get that kiss on the lips. I've held hands. I've embraced. I've kissed his cheek. This time, things should progress. Soon enough, we should reach the next level...' The young officer fantasized about what came next. He couldn't help but wonder how blissful it would be if they could do more together.
He pressed the bell again. Anupap still hadn't opened the door. He regretted not asking Singh the guard first whether Anupap had returned home.
Atikom turned around, intending to go downstairs to question his new informant. If Anupap wasn't home, he would return with a note that read "Missing you" to stick on the door. But the sound of his name called from behind made his feet freeze.
Anupap cracked the door open, his hair still damp, face fresh, offering a faint smile.
"Do you have some business?"
Was Anupap teasing him? Why would he need to have business to come visit? Didn't he know that he came because he missed him?
"Khun Nu, do I need to have business to come see you?" Atikom feigned hurt feelings, his eyes fixated on the full, red lips of the young man standing before him in a bathrobe. He desperately wanted to silence that teasing mouth with his own.
"Oh, how would I know?"
"I came here for three reasons. One, I'm hungry. Two, I miss you terribly. And three... I want to..." He deliberately left it hanging.
"Don't you have food at home?" Anupap still played innocent.
Atikom stepped closer, right up to the door, staring intently into Anupap's eyes.
"I do, but it doesn't taste good. Let me in, won't you? Once I've had dinner, I'll leave right away, won't bother you long. Have mercy on a hungry man."
Anupap fell silent, not answering, but pulled the door open wider, allowing the famished police officer to enter the room.
Atikom looked down at the young man who had just finished bathing. The white bathrobe tied loosely around his waist revealed a clean, white chest with beautiful muscle definition, so smooth that he wanted to push Anupap against the wall, untie the robe, and admire him to his heart's content.
"Please sit first. You're in luck, Detective. I just finished cooking before taking a bath. Wait a moment, you'll be able to eat soon."
"Wow. I thought I'd get to help you cook, Khun Nu."
"Thank you for wanting to help." Anupap spoke quickly then hurried into the room.
Atikom went to sit on the stool by the kitchen counter. He felt somewhat uncomfortable having to court Anupap on furniture that Atid had bought for him. He couldn't help but imagine Atid's face superimposed on the stool.
Atikom decided that in a few days, when the opportunity arose, he would buy a replacement for this chair. He couldn't stand sitting on Atid's shadow any longer.
Anupap returned wearing casual home clothes—another loose-fitting, faded brown shirt and light gray cotton pants. His hair hung messily, as if he'd hurriedly dried it, ran his fingers through it, then rushed out of the room.
He looked adorable in a different way. From every angle, his Anupap was adorable. No wonder... Chavis was still trailing after him, and who knew how many others would come swarming to love this powerfully charming man.
Atikom wanted to mention seeing Chavis secretly parked outside the condo, but decided to keep it secret for now, uncertain whether that news would ruin this evening's atmosphere.
"It smells delicious," Atikom inhaled deeply. "But Khun Nu, did you really cook this much?"
"I made extra for tomorrow too. I'll keep it in the fridge, can eat it for several days. Too lazy to cook again."
"Then, I'm imposing on you, Khun Nu."
"It's fine. I pity the hungry officer. I can share."
"I'm worried you won't have anything to eat tomorrow."
"Major, if you're going to eat, just eat. Don't be so dramatic." Anupap feigned sternness.
"Hey, just teasing a little. Don't get upset so quickly."
Atikom ate voraciously. The food Anupap had prepared for the following days was nearly swept clean by the gluttonous officer. Anupap sat watching the large man with disbelief.
'Atikom must be truly hungry.'
"Detective, if I had to cook for you every day like this, I'd definitely go broke."
"Don't worry. I can support you, Khun Nu. You can keep every baht of my salary. Use it all to buy ingredients to cook for me every evening."
"Then I'd have to quit my job, wouldn't I? Who would have time to cook for you every evening?"
"I told you, I can support you. If you're willing." Atikom made soulful eyes.
Anupap suddenly realized what he was saying. He was talking to Atikom as if they were about to live together. He paused, not expecting to have spoken so carelessly...
"Khun Nu. I want us to have more time to live together. Do you know how happy I am that we can be together like this? Do you feel the same way I do, Khun Nu?" Atikom's voice grew serious.
Anupap didn't dare meet those sharp eyes. He lowered his gaze to the table, beginning to retreat into his usual silent mode.
"Khun Nu, don't go into automatic silence mode now. Say something. I know you'll clam up the moment I start talking about our relationship. Khun Nu, what do you think? Say something, don't leave me rambling alone."
The perceptive one quickly intercepted, but to no avail, Anupap remained silent.
"I love you. I want to live together. I want you to trust me, Khun Nu. I promise I'll be good to you forever." Atikom pulled Anupap closer, loosely embracing his waist.
"Would you like coffee? I bought some coffee."
"Khun Nu, you know how I feel about you. When will you finally trust me?"
"Or would you prefer orange juice like usual?"
"Stop right now. If you're going to deflect like this, better not to say anything at all."
"I was just concerned, afraid the rice would stick in your throat."
"It's love that's stuck in my throat, making me unable to breathe. I'm about to suffocate to death."
Anupap's gaze fixed on the broad, strong chest of the police officer.
Atikom breathed heavily, his powerful chest rising and falling with his increasingly rapid heartbeat. His patience was reaching its limit.
"Khun Nu, you don't have to say you love me right now, but let me get some encouragement from you. Let me feel something, even just a little, so I know you don't despise me..."
Atikom leaned his face closer.
"Khun Nu, look into my eyes. Then you'll see how sincere I am."
Anupap slowly raised his face, meeting Atikom's eyes that were revealing his heart's contents. At this moment, those eyes held no playfulness, mischief, or teasing as they usually did, but were filled with seriousness and complete confidence.
"Detective, can I ask that what you've said become actions too?"
"Of course."
"But I need a little more time... time to deliberate... I hope you understand."
"I understand, but don't forget, Khun Nu. I want to be your present and your future. And most importantly... I love you... love you like I've ever loved anyone before."
Anupap buried his face against Atikom's chest, feeling the strength and warmth, the sound of a rapidly beating heart. Strong arms embraced him tightly. The heat where their thighs pressed together began to spread and tingle. He knew Atikom was trying hard to control himself, but the burning core of this peace officer was beyond control. He could feel the restlessness of that part, moving as if it had a life of its own...
Atikom held him tighter, beginning to shift and lower himself. His face buried in the hollow of his neck, trying to move forward. His sharp nose pressed against his ear until it burned. Atikom's lips parted before pressing against his left cheek, then moving to the corner of his mouth.
Atikom's warm breath against his skin made him feel like wax melting under flame.
Anupap's heart pounded, he couldn't breathe, felt like he might suffocate. He tilted his head back, mouth opening to draw in air to sustain his failing breath. The heat in his abdomen like lava about to surge up to his chest. His throat, being pressed by Atikom's burning lips, felt like it was being branded with heated iron.
'My heart is about to stop. I can't resist it... If Atikom doesn't stop now, I'll melt into a puddle on the floor this very second...'
"Detective…"
"Khun Nu..."
Two voices moaned in unison, barely audible whispers, like the sound of waves in a calm sea slowly moving to kiss the clean white sand, then lingering close again and again, endlessly.
***
Chavis stared vacantly at the twinkling lights decorating the trees lining both sides of the road. He had driven himself so far he didn't know what part of Bangkok this street was in—the capital city he had never thought he'd live in. The city he had decided that day to return to, merely because of his father's offer to take an important position in the company, merely because he needed to build a stable foundation for himself, merely because he would have a chance to make his dreams come true... dreams that conflicted with Anupap, his first love since youth, his only love...
...the only love he had lost.
He still remembered that night: twinkling lights adorning Christmas trees throughout the city. He had run frantically searching for Anupap like a madman, snow falling softly, his body trembling—not from cold, but from the state of having to surrender to the realization that he had lost the person he loved most. He knocked on his friends' doors one by one asking for Anupap... everyone shook their heads...
Anupap had left him, leaving behind everything that held their shared memories in the dormitory room, taking only his favorite clothes.
For over two years after that night, he worked desperately while searching for Anupap. Though he tried asking friends, not a single person could give him an answer. Anupap's close friends probably hated him and conspired to hide the truth. He was drowning in sorrow until he could barely stand, and it took him nearly falling apart to get back on his feet.
Now he had found Anupap, unexpectedly. But it was useless. Anupap had barely any feelings left for him.
This lesson had cost him dearly, traded for his entire heart, traded for all his love...
***
Atikom stubbornly refused to go home. Anupap had to use his hands to push against the strong chest of the police officer to back him away from the door, threatening that he wouldn't let him visit again if he continued being difficult.
"I'll stand guard watching over you, Khun Nu. I'm afraid some shameless people might come pestering my boyfriend."
"Captain, don't talk like you're in a folk opera. I don't like it."
"Then you like it when I'm serious, right?" Atikom's expression shifted from playful to serious in half a second.
"You don't need to be too serious either. Just ordinary sincerity is enough."
"Why? Are you afraid that if I'm too serious, you'll get caught by me..."
"Stop talking. Now turn around and walk away."
"Yes, yes, boss." Atikom smiled brilliantly, blew a kiss to Anupap, then stepped back from the door to stand smiling at the room's owner who was slowly closing the door with his head down.
He stood watching with longing. Today he had received more encouragement than expected. He had planned to ask for just a tiny bit of 'encouragement' from Anupap, but what he received made his heart swell until it nearly burst from his chest.
If he hadn't been lifting weights almost daily until his chest was filled with strong muscle, his heart would have long since fallen out and been lying on the floor.
The crime-fighting officer walked whistling cheerfully along the corridor, alternately turning back to look at the door of the person he loved. The distance to the elevator was too short—he wanted to walk back and forth a hundred times to savor this feeling of contentment.
Now he had more encouragement than before to fight and grapple with all those hungry tigers eyeing his little deer. Whoever dared to approach would get beaten back.
Little Atid seemed like he wouldn't be difficult anymore since he had a meat hunter like Tongrob to help. Trid had the boss-subordinate relationship to keep him in check. The one to watch was Chavis. If he was following to this extent, it seemed like it wouldn't be ordinary anymore.
Oh... Awoot then... wait... Awoot probably wouldn't interfere with Anupap as long as he knew he was his friend's boyfriend. Awoot was gentleman enough.
Atikom could only hope Awoot wouldn't join the fray. He was already developing neurosis as it was.
The young police officer was so absorbed in thinking about "external battles" that he forgot "internal battles" still existed.
Atikom hadn't yet realized that all lessons came with a price—having been a playboy was extremely expensive...
***