Anupap stepped into the photography exhibition space, greeting an old classmate from school who had now become a skilled photographer. He walked slowly through each photograph, studying them with interest, enjoying visiting various exhibitions to broaden his perspectives.
Anupap had forgotten that when Wutipong, his old friend, held this important photography exhibition, other old friends might also come to view the work, including the man who was now standing in the corner of the room, watching him, before deciding to walk over.
"Nu..."
That familiar voice. Even after all these years, Anupap still remembered it well.
"Vis…"
"I'm so glad to see you again. Nu, please don't walk away from me," Chavis quickly pleaded when he saw Anupap turn to face him sideways. "I just want to talk to you for a moment. I want to apologize about the other night."
Fortunately, that afternoon there weren't many people viewing the exhibition yet.
"I'm sorry for being too forward... That night I was both shocked and overjoyed, I couldn't control myself. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. Please don't be angry with me." Chavis continued.
"Forget it, Vis…" Anupap's voice was soft as he gazed at the photograph of an empty rural street in front of him.
"I just wanted to tell you how happy I am to see you again, after I'd almost given up hope. I wanted to tell you that all this time, I haven't had anyone." Chavis swallowed the hard lump in his throat, not expecting that seeing Anupap again would affect him this deeply. "Even now, I still don't have anyone."
But he does... Anupap thought of Atikom, though he still wasn't entirely sure about his own feelings.
"So what do you want, Vis? Do you want us to go back to loving each other again?"
Chavis fell silent for a moment, let out a heavy sigh, then said, "I don't dare ask for us to love each other again, You might have stopped loving me already."
Chavis turned to look at Anupap. The young man's profile was calm and still, smooth in a way he had never seen before. The Anupap he used to know had a beautiful smile, bright and cheerful as if he could spark the entire world into brilliant light.
Now Anupap must have truly stopped loving him.
"But I never stopped loving you," that soft voice carried such longing, Chavis's sad eyes beginning to redden.
Anupap surprised himself—he could control himself much better than before. Even though his heart was beginning to feel confused and turbulent, everything he'd been through these past few days had made him think. Atikom's and Atid's confessions of love had made him reflect.
He had already been thinking that after that night, Chavis would have to try to find a way to meet and talk with him again. Anupap had prepared himself, unlike that night when everything happened so unexpectedly, like rowing a boat in the middle of the sea when suddenly waves came crashing down. This time he wore a life jacket, sitting on a large boat, waiting and watching the storm with full preparation.
"What will you gain by saying this... After all that's happened, nothing can go back to the way it was."
"I know. Even though deep in my heart I hope we could be together again... if we still love each other, if you haven't fallen in love with someone else." Chavis's voice was bitter. For a moment he thought of that large, imposing man who had stood protectively in front of Anupap.
Love, or have I fallen in love with someone else. Anupap asked himself whether he loved Atikom, or Atid, or Trin.
Trin—he had never thought about himself and Trin before, even though that afternoon when Trin had called him for a work meeting and began to hint at things more clearly than he'd ever spoken before. 'I just want you to know that I care... I want you to be happy.'
But among everything, Atikom's image stood out most clearly.
The overlapping images of Chavis were beginning to fade.
Chavis stepped forward, blocking the photograph that Anupap had been looking at for so long. His face was still and quiet, his eyes still sad. The young man forced a faint smile.
"Even if we can't be the same as before, will you give me a chance to be friends? At least let me see you sometimes, talk to you..." He didn't know what else to say. Disappointment flowed through his heart like floodwaters during the rainy season.
To be friends when he still loved this 'friend' with all his heart.
Which would be more torturous—being close but unable to love, not receiving love in return, or being completely separated, keeping everything only in thoughts and memories?
But he chose the first option. At least he could see that face, catch that scent, feel that presence, even if only through his eyes.
"But you must understand that we probably can't be close friends. I don't hate you, Vis. It's just that things have to change with time. I have my own life, and you're probably busy with work and have your own life too."
Chavis felt both sad and relieved. Anupap was rejecting him, his heart was firm, like the Anupap he used to know. But at least he didn't hate him. He knew Anupap would never hate him. The only question was whether he would love him as he once did.
The candle flame of hope that had been extinguished began to flicker dimly. As long as he was still alive, he thought he still had a chance.
"Then let this friend treat you to a meal."
Anupap smiled slightly. "Not yet... I'm not hungry."
"Then a cold drink. I see they're selling smoothies up ahead. I know what you like to drink."
"Are you sure?"
Chavis nodded quickly, his eyes beginning to brighten, sparkling like the young man from the past.
"Of course I'm sure. Why wouldn't I be? That strange smoothie you like—nobody else drinks those flavors."
Chavis nodded, signaling for Anupap to follow, then led the way to hide his pained expression.
Friends, or that strange-flavored smoothie that he and Anupap used to drink from the same glass, nose touching nose, bright smiles, then he would lean in to kiss, tasting the drink lingering on his beloved's lips.
How could he forget everything about Anupap?
How could he forget that one big mistake in the past he had ever made?
How could he forget he loved Anupap so much. It was just that back then he was foolish, not strong enough, and made the wrong decision.
How could he forget the emptiness of that cold night when he drove all night back to their apartment, the love nest they had shared for nearly six years. Anupap wasn't there waiting for him anymore. He stood in the middle of the dark room, looking out the window as snow fell softly.
Anupap's heart had grown so hard, disappearing from his life, vanishing without a trace.
If he could turn back time, he would go back and fix what was wrong.
If he could turn back time, on a Sunday afternoon like this, at this time, he would probably be lying on the large white sofa in the living room, holding Anupap, looking through the large panoramic glass windows surrounding the room at the pine trees and blue lake in Oregon. Our white lakeside house, the house he had designed, our dream, the dream he had destroyed.
He wanted so desperately to gather the small pieces of that shattered dream and put them back together.
***
Asanai walked slowly along the corridor, arms laden with rustling paper bags. Boredom and loneliness had driven him to shop until exhaustion. His throat was dry, wanting something cold to drink.
Suddenly his eyes fell upon two good-looking young men sitting in a small beverage shop. He couldn't help but be surprised to see two people he knew, one he knew well, the other was an important rival—Anupap.
What is Chavis doing with Anupap?
For a moment he wanted to walk over and greet both of them—Chavis, the son of Uncle Bowon, the real estate business owner and his father's old friend.
The two looked very close, not like people who had just met.
Did Atikom know that the person he was interested in was seeing someone else, though they probably weren't just friends.
Asanai walked closer, pretending to casually pass by the shop with its large glass front, intending only to let the two men see him, smile in greeting, then walk away.
When they saw him, Chavis smiled and waved in greeting, while Anupap smiled faintly and nodded like greeting an ordinary acquaintance.
Asanai was slightly disappointed. He had expected to see surprise in Anupap's eyes, but he thought the young man had a calm personality and wouldn't show much reaction.
But there was one thing he could observe. The way Chavis looked at Anupap wasn't the gaze of a friend or ordinary acquaintance. It was the gaze of someone deeply in love.
Asanai's eyes flashed with hope. Anupap might not love Atikom yet. If that were the case, he might have a chance to win Atikom's heart.
***
Sombat sat down across from the handsome young police officer in workout clothes. Atikom's clean white shirt was damp with sweat, clinging to his strong body. His scent was alluring. Sombat had to admit that this young detective had tremendous charm and sexual appeal, but he also knew well that this man belonged to Anupap. And his own type was young, handsome, cute teenage boys—you could say Sombat was practically the president of the young-boy-lovers club.
"What are you thinking, Detective, inviting me for drinks? Are you trying to court me as your mistress?"
Mistress. Anupap. Sombat understood the wordplay. Anupap would never approve him to have 'a mistrees.' Anupap may look gentle and claim, but Atikom knows there are hints that his 'boyfriend' can be fierce and engage when angered.
"If there is no Khun Nu in this world, I might court you," Atikom smiled broadly, his eyes playfully mischievous as was his nature.
"Don't sweet-talk me. If there wasn't something in it for you, Detective. You wouldn't be buying me beer." The useful one acted coyly, pretending to sulk.
"Oh, P'Bud, don't be hurt. When I have time, I'll take you out for delicious food again. All of us together. This time it'll be a real invitation, not using anyone as a tool."
Anyone—Atikom meant Anupap. The police officer still remembered when the 'procession' of advertisers had gotten out of Atid's car with sullen faces to eat that special dinner he had intended to share with just Anupap in the upscale restaurant that required reservations days in advance.
Sombat couldn't help but smile. Though he felt guilty, he didn't want to correct the misunderstanding. Better to let Anupap, his dear younger friend, take the full blame rather than let Atikom know he was the one playing tricks.
"What do you say? You have something for me to help with? But there has to be compensation. I don't help for free."
"Deal, P'Bud. Whatever you want, I'll give it to you. Except my body and heart."
"I know. Your body and heart already have an owner." Sombat smiled, unable to resist teasing. "Oh, or have you shared them with someone else? Are you coming to confess so I can talk to Nu for you?"
"No, no, no. Don't tease me like that. That's not good, not good at all." Atikom pretended to be shocked, knowing Sombat was joking. How could he share with anyone? Everything he had, he was pouring into Anupap completely.
"I want to ask you about that man. The one Khun Nu met at PanoView, and then completely lost his composure."
"Chavis, an ex-lover." Sombat spoke directly, taking a bite of cake as if discussing something ordinary.
Atikom's guess was correct. He had sensed it, but he had to admit he was quite shocked.
"They loved each other for a long time. Since high school, then went abroad to study together. After graduating, they worked together in Canada until something happened."
Atikom fell silent. What he had suspected was bigger than he thought. That long! Chavis, the ex-lover, Anupap's past—a past buried so deeply in the young man's heart that it had built walls to shut out others, walls that he was trying to tear down.
Nearly ten years. Those two had loved each other for nearly ten years. He had been there for less than half a year.
What used to be a brick wall now seemed to be turning into reinforced concrete. Atikom couldn't help but feel heavy-hearted. This mission was enormous.
"What's wrong, Detective? Stunned speechless?" Sombat saw the police officer sitting still, lost in thought.
"But they broke up several years ago," Atikom consoled himself.
"Even so, we still don't know whether Anupap has erased Chavis from his heart or not."
"P'Bud, you have to to help me. You've been cheering me on all along. Don't abandon me now."
"It depends on you, Detective. I can only be Robin—you're Batman. You have to do the fight. Only you can know whether can tear down his walls or not. No matter how close I am to Nu, I'm not his lover. You can't lie in bed holding each other, looking into each other's eyes. Only people who love each other can see through to each other's hearts."
He knew. Someone like Anupap—if he didn't love, he probably wouldn't let him into his bed. But he had already let him hold him and kiss his cheek. The chances should be quite good.
"This job isn't easy. I've been using a hammer to break down Khun Nu's walls. Many stones have cracked, but I don't know when they'll come tumbling down. I'm just afraid that one day someone will come in a helicopter and parachute straight into the heart of the person I love."
"Oh my, Detective. Thai police officers must develop some serious tactics big time, you know."
What did Sombat mean by that? Get to the point like Tongrob said: drag him into your bed and then finish him?
Atikom couldn't help but worry. The determination he once had was now seriously lacking in confidence. The police officer thought he needed to go get some 'encouragement.'
He wanted a kiss from Anupap to generate some energy.
***